Some Valentine’s Dating Tips To Get The Woman of Your Dreams

What’s up blog peeps?  I know what you all have been begging for.  Another mess of dating advice from me, Johnny Townsend.  A guru on what ladies love.  In this post, I will tell you exactly what to ask for and what each of her answers to your questions mean on the first date. 

So you finally work up the courage to talk to that fly honey you’ve had your eye on.  But what exactly do you say once you’ve conquered your fear and walked up to her and she’s staring at you with her beautiful eyes?  Have no fear, that’s what I’m here for. 

Here is what you should say on first approach.

“Hey, would you do me the honor of allowing me to buy you a drink?”

Here’s an example of what you probably shouldn’t say.

“Hey, would you do me the honor of allowing me to stalk you?”

So you just asked her if you can buy her a drink, now you await her answer.  But what exactly does each answer mean?  FEAR NOT FOR I AM HERE!!!

If she says…

“Sure.”    (this means you’re in, but she’s not completely sure about you.  Probably because of how your face looks)

“No thanks.”  (this means she’s not thirsty or she doesn’t find your X-Men tee shirt that appealing)

“Yes.”  (you will never hear this answer.  Disregard it.  If you do hear it, it’s more than likely some sick game she is playing)

So you’ve just bought her a drink.  But your job is not over my friends.  You must ask her yet another question….

“Would you do me the honor of letting me buy you dinner?”

Of course, as like before, she could answer in different ways…

“Nah I already ate.”  (she only used you to buy her that drink)

“You look like you’ve already ate enough.”  (she is a mean person and has just hurt my…err I mean your feelings)

“You smell.”  (you probably should have showered)

“You know what?  Sure.” (she’s depressed and is just glad to have attention from someone, also, could have daddy issues)

Then dinner arrives.  And it all goes extremely well.  You make her laugh.  You listen to everything she tells you.  It’s turning out to be a beautiful evening.  But everyone knows what that means.  It’s time to see if this is going to lead to anything else.  But what exactly do you ask for at her door?  Read on!!

“May I have a kiss?”

“May I come in?”

“I think American Idol is on.  May I watch it with you inside?”

All those questions rarely work.  So what do you say?  How do you get the girl of your dreams to realize you’re the prince charming she’s been waiting for?  Below is the line you MUST memorize.  It is a never fail line and soon you will be hand in hand with your dream girl. 

“I’m a bad boy with issues who you will want to change but won’t be able too.  Also I’m in a band.  And I need to borrow money.”

This never fails.  You follow my guide here, and you are guarenteed not to be alone on Valentine’s Day playing Call of Duty 5.  Or the new Wii Mario Brothers game.  Dang I love that game….

What Does That Song Mean? This Time Ke$ha – Tik Tok

The number one song in America right now is “Tik Tok” by Ke$ha (that’s right with a dollar sign).  This of course is what we deserve for all those years we enslaved people.  But if you listen to the song you may not understand it.  So that’s where I come in.  Today, I’m going to give you the lyrics to the song and then tell you what exactly they mean.  So strap in.

Tik Tok by Ke$ha

Wake up in the morning
Feeling like P Diddy
Grab my glasses
I’m out the door

So she wakes up before lunch time.  She happens to feel like P. Diddy.  I assume this means she feels black, talentless, and like making some cash off of a dead more talented friend.  She doesn’t have her contacts with her, so she grabs her glasses.  I mean, you got to see where you’re walking to right?  Then she goes out the door.  Not cause you want her to, but because she wants to.  Very empowering to all the young ladies out there.

I’m gonna hit the city
Before I leave
Brush my teeth with a
Bottle of Jack
Cause when I leave for
The night I aint coming back

The city has done her wrong so she’s going to hit it.  She fails to realize that “the city” is a physical place and not something you can “hit.”  She remembers before she goes out the door that she forgot to brush her teeth.  Apparently she was out of Crest so she grabs the next best thing: an alcoholic beverage.  That’s why some people brush their teeth with Pepsi products.  She’s going to leave for the entire night and she’ll be damned if she’s coming back.  No way.  Not her.  Not now.  Not ever.  Well, at least not tonight.

I’m talking pedicure on our toes (toes)
Tryin on all our clothes (clothes)
Boys blowin up our phones (phones)
Drop topping, playing our favorite CD’s
Pulling up to the partys
Tryin a get a little bit TIPSY

She wants to get her toes looking very nice to make up for how the rest of her looks like she just walked out of a trailer park from the deep south.  She tries on all her clothes. She’s showing responsibility and wants to make sure they fit.  But she knows they will since she does cocaine and only weighs 14 pounds.  Then some guys get their phones and explode them.  Perhaps as a prank of some sort or just because they like the pretty colors.  She has a favorite cd (I’m assuming New Kids on the Block) and she can only play it with her shirt off.  The she goes to parties so she can get drunk and pass out and forget that she has no ambitions.

Don’t Stop
Make it Pop
DJ blown my speakers up
Tonight I’ma fight

She enjoys the music so much that she doesn’t want it to stop (this could also be a sexual reference).  She wants the speakers so loud that they pop and destroy themselves, but it’s ok since she didn’t pay for them anyway.  The DJ has blown up her speakers (she apparently lets guys get a hold of her things and explode them).  She wants to fight since she realizes that she’s famous for this song and that gives her little credibility in anything in the entire world.

Till we see the sunlight
Tick tock on the clock
But the party don’t stop
No oh, oh oo whoa oo whoa oh
Oh oo whoa oo whoa oh
Oh oo whoa oo whoa oh

She is going to stay out until the sun wakes up.  This is the very same thing she would do constantly to ensure she could always disappoint her parents.  The clock makes the sound “tick tock”.  Apparently she only has an old time like clock with her since she doesn’t have a digital watch and some boys had exploded her cell phone earlier in the evening.  Even though the next day is arriving, the party is not ending.  No it’s not. oh oo whoa oo whoa oh it’s not.  oh oo whoa oo whoa oh.

Aint got a care in the world
But got plenty of BEER
Aint got no money in my pocket
But I’m already here

She doesn’t have a care in the world, just like most young blonde white girls.  She does have plenty of beer.  She’s completely broke, but it doesn’t matter, since she’s a young blond white girl and will never pay for anything.

And now the dudes are lining up
Cause they hear we got swagger
But we kick em to the curb
Unless they look like Mick Jagger

The word has gotten around to everyone.  So the guys start showing up because they heard there are some drunk blond girls dancing .  But they don’t have a chance with them unless they look like an 82 year old skinny drug abuser who’s face is melting off.

I’m talkin bout
Everybody getting crunk (crunk)
Boys try to touch my junk (junk)
Gonna smack em if there gettin too drunk (drunk)
Night night we going to kick this out (out)
The police shut us down (down)
Police shut us down (down)
Po po shut us (DOWN)

She’s talking about everyone there getting crunk.  Crunk, of course, is the combination of “crap” and “junk”.  Some boys there are trying to touch her junk.  Junk means her personal area and apparently some male children are trying to touch it, but to be fair they’re just now discovering their own bodies.  She will not hesitate to smack an adolescent male child if they do touch her.  She’s getting tired now and told everyone good night. The police came to shut down the festivities, probably because of the possibility of riots and looting.

You build me up
You break me down
My heart it poundin
Yeah you got me
With my hands up
You got me now
You got that sound
Yea you got me

This whole part is about her getting arrested.  I would say more to explain this, but I just don’t care enough.

So there you have it folks.  Now when you hear this amazing piece of art on the radio you will know exactly what it means.

New Years Resolutions and Your 2010 Horroscopes

It’s 2010 and that means it’s time for you, my loyal readers, to find out what my New Years Resolutions are as well as my Horoscopes.  I will not let you down.  Unless I do let you down.  Which in that case it probably means your expectations were much too high. 

NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS

I don’t make typical resolutions.  Most people who make them do not keep them for more than three months.  Resolutions such as exercise more, eat better, be more on time, etc.  I make real resolutions.  Ones that I vow to keep.

1.  I will not murder any small rabbits unless they run in front of my car.  If they do that, then they’re on their own.  I can’t help that rabbits are suicidal.

2.  I will continue to hate deer.  Ever since one RAN INTO ME while driving I have vowed to hate them.  I will continue to do so.  I promise that if I ever see more deer, I will pull over, I will find the most blunt object I can find and beat them senseless in front of their deer children. 

3.  I will tell myself that I’m going to eat better, but instead I will eat so much that after eating, I will think about how much I hate myself and how this is what I deserve.

4.  I promise to promote myself more.  I will put myself in everyone’s face.  I’m aware of how that sounded, and I’m ok with that.  Enjoy my blogs.  Enjoy my art.  Enjoy my creativity! 

5.  I will not slip on any banana peels.  This is actually pretty easy.  The only time I’ve ever done this is when I experimented to see if banana peels were actually slippery.  UPDATE:  They are.
 

 

YOUR 2010 HOROSCOPES

ARIES:  Love is in the air.  You will find someone and fall in love with them.  This will last for a good and happy 2 weeks before you realize that you’re actually dating a flying squirrel and that it had been cheating on you with the chipmunk down the street.

LEO:  It’s time for a career change.  You will realize that you deserve better than what you are currently doing and will finally apply for that fast food restaurant drive thru manager job.  Not only will you get that job, but you’ll also be able to get that used Mini Van you had been having your eyes on.  After this you will realize how horrendous your life is and become a hermit who goes around the country molesting 25 year old men.

SAGITTARIUS:  The stars will align for you.  Not only will you win the lottery, but that one person you really hate will become homeless.  You know who I’m talking about.  Yeah, that guy. 

TAURUS:  I want to tell you this will be a good year for you, but truth is, nothing good will happen to you this year and nothing good ever will. 

VIRGO:  You will begin a long term relationship that will end once your significant other realizes that you were always lip syncing while playing as the lead singer on Rock Band 2.

CAPRICORN:  Your mind will run rampant with thoughts that you are destined for greater things.  I’ll save you some time, you aren’t.

GEMINI:  The highlight of your year will be when you purchase Gremlins 2 on blu-ray.  This will prompt you to reevaluate your life and for your friends to put you in a psych ward for your own safety.

LIBRA:  This year will be full of events that are both good and bad.  You will find love, but that person will be hideously fat.  You will get a good job, but you will hate it.  You will make new friends, but they will despise you.  You will see a movie trailer that makes you really want to see a movie, but then you’ll discover that Nicholas Cage is in it.

AQUARIUS:  You will tell yourself that you will finally get things on track only to discover that you will spend the whole year doing nothing to make yourself go forward.  You will be told how great you are only to realize that no one knows who you are nor what you do.  Also, you will release a bunch of Youtube videos that 3 people will like.

CANCER:  You will realize that your hair will never end up the way you want it to.  I’m sorry, but it’s best you just realize that so you can move on.

SCORPIO:  You will strive to accomplish all the goals you have set with your life.  You will actually accomplish 3% of them.  But keep your chin up.  If Obama can win a Nobel Prize for doing nothing, then you can win a prize for sleeping in bed all day.

PISCES:  The stars say that 2010 will be your year.  And by your year I mean you will finally be able to get a patent for your time machine, even though two monkeys had died during your experiments. 
I hope everyone has a great 2010.

2009 YEAR END REVIEW PLUS SOME OTHER THINGS ALSO THIS IS A RUN ON SENTENCE

Are you aware that it’s the end of the year?  Well, never fear, dear readers, it’s time for your Johnnyism year end review!!!  First, we’ll look back at the big stories of 2009, and then we’ll take a quick glance at the awards I won, as well as the gracious comments I received.  So, without further ado, here are your 2009 top stories!!!

1.  The Economy. 

The economy decided it would test our will this year, being the lowest it had been since the 1930’s, which I believe was called The Great Lines For Bread.  Many people were without jobs and many companies went under.  Even electronic store giant Circuit City closed it’s doors for good.  This prompted many to look mildly shocked as they continued their shopping at Best Buy.

2.  Obama Presidency.

President Obama has accomplished so much this year, including winning the Nobel Peace Prize for stuff he might possibly accomplish.  He also got the country unified behind an idea for universal healthcare, and by unified I mean completely split apart. But he did get a dog.  That’s something, right? 

3.  Jon and Kate split.

Jon and Kate split up this year, prompting many people to shake their heads in disgust and secretly wish Jon end up with the Octo-Mom.  TLC then decided to drop the show while they sort out this mess.  Most were surprised to learn that TLC stood for “The Learning Channel” since the only thing you could have learned from that channel in the past year was that a white woman and an asian looking man couldn’t get along. 

4. Kanye West interrupts Taylor Swift while she accepts award.

Kanye West shocked the world as he interrupted Taylor Swift as she accepted her award for best music video.  Here’s what shocked me.  1. That they still did music videos (I could of sworn MTV had murdered those) 2. Kanye West felt he needed even more attention. 3. That while I didn’t know who Taylor Swift was, I admit to downloading and listening to her song “Love Story” at least fifteen times. 

5.  Chris Brown Beats Rihanna.

Chris Brown severely beats Rihanna while in a car.  While I do not condone his actions, I understand why he did it.  I mean, come on Rihanna! Can’t you just make your hair look like a normal woman’s hair?  Chris Brown was also ashamed to find out that he might just have the most common name known to language. 

6.  David Letterman admits affair on air.

David Letterman went on his own show and admitted that he had been having an affair due to the fact that he was being black mailed by a man who had evidence to support just that.  Letterman probably did the smartest thing he could do and admit it while using a few jokes.  I feel this is the perfect time to let all you ladies know that I’m single. 

7.  Tiger Woods affair

Tiger Woods is reported to have had an affair with at least 4586228 white women.  The African Americans didn’t really care based on the fact that they had disowned Tiger Woods years ago. 

8.  Susan Boyle becomes a star.

Susan Boyle became a sensation when a video appeared of her singing on a show.  She then dropped an album that became an astonishing hit.  Most who bought her cd could be heard saying “how does a voice like that come out of something that ugly?”  This prompted many other ugly people to try to prove to all the beautiful people that they had talent too.  This is why I’m trying to learn how to juggle.

9.  Celebrity deaths.

Many celebrities died in 2009, including Michael Jackson.  Now I could just fill this paragraph with Michael Jackson jokes, but I am better than that.   I’m serious.  I will not do it.  Why are you still reading this sentence?  Hoping for a Michael Jackson joke?  Well forget it.  My Michael Jackson jokes are as dead as he is.  Wait does that count as a Michael Jackson joke?  D*mn it!!

10.  Swine Flu

The Swine flu spread like wildfire.  While there is a vaccine for the swine flu, most are unaware that the best protection against the swine flu is to quit making out with pigs.  But if you still insist on making out with pigs, please use protection. 

11.  The miracle on the Hudson

Pilot Chelsey Sullenberger successfully lands a plane in the Hudson waters after some birds destroy one of the engines.  Sullenberger was then pushed to hero status.  What most don’t point out, though, was his failure to have a less comical last name. 

************************************************************************
And now you the awards Johnnyism has won, along with the fantastic comments!!
AWARDS

*Nobel Peace Prize for the potential to be entertaining
*At Least You Tried ribbon
*First runner up in a humor writing contest (this is actually true)

Amazing comments (those who said the comments have not been revealed in order to protect their identity, also, I didn’t feel like looking them up, also, I made most of these up)

“I read this blog and I sort of chuckled.”

“You’re not funny.”

“You ***** you are **** and are worth **** you complete waste of ****ing space!”

“I hope you don’t get paid for this.”

“Who are you?  I’ve never heard of you.”

“Johnny, this is your mom.  It’s time for dinner.”

And those are just some of the great comments I received this year!!  2009 was either a great year or a terrible year.  What’s in store for 2010?  Who knows… But stay tuned to my upcoming 2010 predictions!!!

Translating A Rap Song, Volume 2

In this edition of translating a rap video, I will focus on the popular song by Gucci Mane called “Wasted.”  It’s currently number 6 in the Billboard Rap charts.  I will translate exactly what this artist is saying with his rapping so that you, the average person, can understand the message he is trying to present. 

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha
(Wasted)
Ha, ha, ha, ha

(in this part, he’s actually just laughing because he has realized that people listen to him make this kind of music)
 

 

Ha, rock star lifestyle might don’t make it
Living life high everyday click wasted
Sipping on purple stuff rolling up stanky
Wake up in the morning 10 clock dranking

(He’s a rock star you see.  He lives his life high every single day.  He enjoys drinking purple liquids and not showering.  He wakes up promptly every morning at 10 AM and decides that since he isn’t contributing to society in any shape or form, he can start drinking)
 

 

Party, party, party, let’s all get wasted
Shake it for me baby girl, do it butt naked
I’m so wasted, she so wasted shout the bartender
Send 20 more cases

(He enjoys saying the word party while drinking alcoholic beverages.  He asks a young woman if she wouldn’t mind causing a motion in your buttocks region, and if she could possibly do that while nude.  He and her are both drunk and ask the bartender if he could bring them even more beverages, since the thought of alcoholic poisoning obviously hasn’t entered his mind)
 

 

Geeking like Whitney, geeking like Britney
Gucci no hippie but it’s on like Jimy X
Pill poppers geeked up krazy whole click rolling
Everyone wasted purple codine sprite

(He geeks like Whitney Houston and Britney Spears, meaning he likes to have a man who’s a loser around and beats him while snorting cocaine.  He isn’t a hippie but believes that hippie is in fact on a man named Jimy X.  He goes with his friends and some of them partake in taking pills.  They then drink Sprite that they have turned purple, because it brings out his eyes and matches his outfit)
 

 

Pink don’t wasted, mix up, grandma drunk it
Then taste it, now grandma sipping syrup
Leaning wasted walking ’round f**k up
Twisting her finga home gurl

(They had a pink pill, but they didn’t want it to go to waste so they put it in a drink so his grand mother could drink it.  Now she’s an alcoholic too and even resorts to drinking children’s cough medicine.  He has had so much to drink now he can’t walk correctly. The woman he is with is double jointed and is doing magic tricks with her finger)
 

 

Slipped up drunk got wasted now
She back stage an she tryna get famous
Hit me up the drinky, drinky Gucci Mane
Shake it, club night, d*mn right, Gucci Mane wasted

(The woman is slipping because she’s drunk.  She is so drunk she thinks that the backstage is where everyone will see her.  She asks him to hit her while screaming “drinky drinky.”  He attends a dance club where people enjoy moving their bodies to music while cursing)
 

 

I don’t wear tight jeans like the white boys
But I do get wasted like the white boys
Now I’m looking for a b***h to suck dis almond joy
Said she gotta stop sucking ’cause her jaw’s sore

(He’s racist and hates white male children who wear tight jeans.  He does, however, like to get drunk with them.   He found himself a candy bar, an Almond Joy to be exact.  He found a woman who he thought would enjoy the Almond Joy, but apparently she’s a Mounds person, since the Almond Joy’s hurt her jaws.  She may have lock jaw)
 

 

 

 

Gotta b***h on the couch, b***h on the floor
Party just popping up but now he rolling more
Rolled on, 3 pills now, he on 4 idk, why?
But that remy turned into a whore

(He has two female dogs, possibly pitbulls, one that stays on the couch and the other on the floor.  The party he attended has pop up books.  He enjoys those, but can’t get enough of them.  He went to another party, took three pills and doesn’t know why.  He then calls the band Remy Zero a whore, possibly because he thinks they’re sell outs for doing the theme to Smallville)
 

 

 

 

Walked in the club, pocket full of big faces
Got the 40 on my waist and it’s off safety
‘Bout 40 goons wit me and we all wasted
Only remy straight tonight dawg no chasing

(He went into a dance club.  In his pocket he has a bunch of masks.  On his waist, he has a gun that he didn’t put on the safety, since this is obviously a genius idea.  He has forty people with him, they’re all drunk and dancing and shooting their guns.  Only the band Remy Zero has had anything to drink tonight, possibly because they are driving or because Superman told them they couldn’t)
 

 

 

 

Only click faded we geeked up crazy
Big boy bracelet we white boy wasted
No shirt, f**k it unless your arms tatted
We slapping trunk disgusted the liquor

(Some of his friends put clothes in the wash and the colors faded, but they all geeked up and got crazy thinking about Star Wars.  He can’t wait to grow up to be an adult man so that he can wear bracelets while he is drunk like a white male child.  He likes to be like his idol, Matthew McConaughey, so he doesn’t wear a shirt and makes bad movies.  In the last line of this part, it’s not actual English and cannot possibly be translated)
 

 

 

 

 

 

Keep wasting 285 east side me and Plies wasted
Racing seven big booty broads chasing spring break
50 thousand white girls shake it some dancing naked
But everyone wasted magic city Monday

(He has wasted 285 east side Plies, which, like the rest of the song, makes no possible sense.  He then goes out for spring break and races seven women with bigger than average buttocks.  He then finds 50,000 white women who are dancing in the nude and disappointing their parents at the same time.  It’s Monday and everyone is drunk, possibly to get this song out of their heads)

 

 

Ball players wasted this one for yo’ uncle
Drinking Thunderbird wasted 12 pack wasted
I need more cases and Gucci not a racist
All my diamonds Caucasians

(A basketball player was someone’s uncle and was killed.  Somehow he has drunk a Ford motor vehicle and didn’t drink a 12 pack of beer that went to waste.  He needs more drinks and he isn’t a racist, as proven by his white friends who are covered in diamonds)
I have now translated this song for you.  So if you happen to hear it again, you will now fully understand it.  You are welcome.

In the News, OCTOBER 12, 2009

1. Miley Cyrus quits Twitter

Miley Cyrus has decided to quit her mega popular Twitter.  She said that she quit because she wants to keep her private life private.  She has ensured her privacy AND proved that she doesn’t want all that attention by releasing a rap song on Youtube that has over 2 million views already.  With that being said, I regret to inform you all that I shall be quitting my popular Facebook and Twitter updates.  I’m hoping to tell everyone that I just want my privacy by releasing a huge budget commercial that will air during the Superbowl.

Please look at her so she can tell you that she doesn’t want attention.
 

 

2.  President Obama wins Nobel Peace Prize

President Obama was selected to win the Nobel Peace Prize this past week.  He won for all his hard work of making promises he hasn’t yet accomplished.  He has won by having goals, but not achievements.  Also announced, Tom Hanks will win an Oscar for whatever movie he’s filming next.  And my blog has won blog of the year for 2011.

No one has cared about this award since the 1940s.
 

 

3.  NASA Bombs the Moon

On Friday, NASA bombed the moon stating that there could be weapons of mass destruction located there.  In other jokes circa 2004, George Bush says stupid things.

If we don’t bomb the moon, then the terrorists win.
 

4.  AH-NOLD SIGNS BILL TO HONOR HAR-VEY MILK

California governor Arnold Schwarenegger signed a bill that honors the first openly gay politician elected to office Harvey Milk.  When asked why, Governor Schwarenegger said “I honor Harvey Milk because milk did Ahrnold’s body good.  Ahrnold drunk milk everyday and got muscles on top of muscles. Go see my movie, Jingle All The Way with Sinbad, yahh fun for the whole family.”  Harvey Milk is heralded in the gay community.  He’s Harvey Milk, and while he may not have recruited you, he certainly wanted to grab your genitals if you were a man.

He has come from the future to warn you that he will become governor of California

 

That’s what’s in the news.  In leaving, please know that I enjoy statistics.  So I recently asked a bunch of people If they were glad that they found my blog site.  This pie chart illustrates their responses.

In The News Sept. 29, 2009

OBAMA HELPS RAPPERS RAP MORE MATURE LIKE

Rappers around the states claim that President Obama has ushered in a brand new era of more mature lyrics and rhymes in their music.  The African American President has inspired them to rap about things that matter in life.  This of course is proven by the songs that these rap artists are bringing out.  Such as Twista’s “Wetter (Calling You Daddy)” and Pitbull’s “Hotel Room Service”.  These songs really show the growth and maturity that the President has inspired these artists to show.  With such beautiful lyrics that really bring out this maturity. 

 

This man has become more mature since Obama is President.  His song, “Wetter (Calling You Daddy)” proudly shows how he’s grown.

 

TLC DROPS JON BUT KEEPS KATE AROUND

Jon has been dropped from the somehow a hit show Jon and Kate Plus 8.  The main surprise here is that this show was a hit show.  TLC is toying with some new names, such as “Kate Plus Eight Plus Sometimes a Guy Who Isn’t a Man Anymore Since He Used to be Married to Kate” or “Eight Kids Who Don’t Stand a Chance Because Their Parents Care More About Their Celebrity Than Their Own Children” or “Kate Plus Eight Children She Doesn’t Take Care Of.”

The kids pictured above sadly will have no chance.  

 

 

IRAN WILL LET SWISS OFFICIALS VISIT THREE U.S. HIKERS

The three U.S. hikers who are being held by Iran will now be allowed to have Swiss officials visit them.  These Swiss officials aren’t allowed to pass along any messages from the United States, but will be allowed to toss the prisoners small assorted chocolates.

This is where 3 U.S. hikers are hidden, a few missles are hidden, and where you can find all your missing socks.

 

That’s all for now Johnnyism peeps.  I’m going to attempt to update this blog more and more.

How To Accomplish…

Hello Johnnyism fans.  Today you’re going to find out how to accomplish a few things.   I will present these in easy quick to learn and remember steps.  With these, you’ll be able to do anything. 

 

 

How to Live Dangerously

STEP 1: untie shoe

STEP 2: walk

STEP 3: SUCCESS!!!

 

 
How to Get a Woman

STEP 1: be an a-hole

STEP 2: SUCCESS!!!

 

 
How to Realize You’re a Pro Video Gamer

STEP 1: really get into video games

STEP 2: realize how alone you really are.

STEP 3:  SUCCESS!!!!!

 

 
How to write almost any Hollywood movie

STEP 1:  vomit onto paper

STEP 2:  SUCCESS!!!!

 

 
How to Get Famous Without Having Any Talent

STEP 1: get a show on MTV

STEP 2:  SUCCESS!!!!!

 

 
How to be Better Than Hitler

STEP 1:  don’t kill a bunch of Jews.

STEP 2:  SUCCESS!!!!

A Quick Post To Wet Your Appetites

Now I know I haven’t wrote in while.  And I know you’re crying and rioting in the streets because of it.  So to make up for that, I am posting two quick blogs.  You’re getting two blogs in one!  Though technically they’re both real small and don’t even really equal up to one blog.  Beggars can’t be choosers my friends.  But they can be Americans.  And I’m American.  What I’m trying to say is happy birthday America.

 
One Thing Led To Another

I heard a comedian once bring up that the fact that the phrase “one thing led to another” was a cop out.  It leaves out so many details.  And this is true.  I will prove this by the following examples.

*I went over to Suzy’s house, and one thing led to another, and by the end of the night I was in jail without any pants on.

*Jim was racing, and one thing led to another, and now he’s lost.

*So this guy Adolf becomes the leader of Germany, and well, one thing led to another, and at the end a bunch of Jews died.

See what I mean? 

 
How to Avoid Fights

I have been in about two fights in my entire life, so it’s obvious I know how to avoid them.  So here are a few tips in how to avoid a fight.

1. Play with his hair.  This will comfort him and lull him to sleep. 

2. Poop yourself.  No one wants to fight someone who has just soiled themselves.

3. Drop your pants.  When he asks you what you’re doing, explain to him that’s how you have always fought. 

4. Start to sing Cher songs.  You’ll either scare them away, or find out that the Cher trick doesn’t work on homosexuals.

5.  Tell them you’re a famous writer of blogs.  By the time they realize how stupid and pointless and useless a blog really is, you are long gone. 

 

There you have it.  Two quick blog posts in one post!  It’s perfect to help out the economy!  Maybe next time I’ll actually give you something substantial to read, but don’t count on it.  My next blog will probably be just like dating me, short lived and not very gratifying.

What I Can Beat Up

I’m a pretty tough guy.  How tough am I?  I’ve been alone for the past 14 years and have yet to kill myself.  But that’s not the only thing that proves my toughness.  I will now commence to list to you the things I know I could beat up. 

1.  A small kitten. 

He’s small and all he does is meow.  Plus let’s just go ahead and say he’s been abandoned, I don’t want to have to deal with his kitten family.  He’d meow at me, and I’d kick him in his furry face.  A small kitten doesn’t stand a chance.

 
2.  Fourteen seven-year-olds

I believe that I could take on fourteen kids who are of the age of seven and below.  My guess is that they will at one point try to surround me and jump on me at once.  This is when I commence to hold one in a head lock and tell another that their parents never loved them and that they’re the reason they don’t have a dad and their mom drinks every night till she can’t feel feelings.  Eventually, of course, the numbers game would come into play. 

 
3.  A 94 year-old paraplegic in a wheel chair.

What are they going to do?  Look at me?  I wouldn’t even have to lay a hand on them, just push their wheel chair outside so they have to hear the kids these days drive by playing their bump bump music.  Or I could punch them in the face.

 
4.  Charlie Brown and 6 other Peanuts characters.

Charlie Brown wouldn’t stand a chance.  For one, he can’t even kick a football, AND he goes to therapy.  Plus he kind of deserves a swift smack of justice to the face for that horrendous Christmas tree he found. 

 
5.  Chuck Norris.

Of course, I meant Chuck Norris fifteen years from now, banking on my theory that he will be dead and I won’t be.  Of course this could be thwarted if Chuck Norris defies logic and lives to be 275 years old, and I’m ended by my decision for just one more cheeseburger. 
So there you have it.  Those are the just some of the reasons why I’m a tough guy.  What’s that?  You want to challenge me?  WELL BRING IT!!! Wait, you say you took karate classes and have a black belt?   Oh…um…give me a sec would ya?  I just remembered I left something on somewhere that needs to be attended to at sometime..