Now I know I haven’t wrote in while. And I know you’re crying and rioting in the streets because of it. So to make up for that, I am posting two quick blogs. You’re getting two blogs in one! Though technically they’re both real small and don’t even really equal up to one blog. Beggars can’t be choosers my friends. But they can be Americans. And I’m American. What I’m trying to say is happy birthday America.
One Thing Led To Another
I heard a comedian once bring up that the fact that the phrase “one thing led to another” was a cop out. It leaves out so many details. And this is true. I will prove this by the following examples.
*I went over to Suzy’s house, and one thing led to another, and by the end of the night I was in jail without any pants on.
*Jim was racing, and one thing led to another, and now he’s lost.
*So this guy Adolf becomes the leader of Germany, and well, one thing led to another, and at the end a bunch of Jews died.
See what I mean?
How to Avoid Fights
I have been in about two fights in my entire life, so it’s obvious I know how to avoid them. So here are a few tips in how to avoid a fight.
1. Play with his hair. This will comfort him and lull him to sleep.
2. Poop yourself. No one wants to fight someone who has just soiled themselves.
3. Drop your pants. When he asks you what you’re doing, explain to him that’s how you have always fought.
4. Start to sing Cher songs. You’ll either scare them away, or find out that the Cher trick doesn’t work on homosexuals.
5. Tell them you’re a famous writer of blogs. By the time they realize how stupid and pointless and useless a blog really is, you are long gone.
There you have it. Two quick blog posts in one post! It’s perfect to help out the economy! Maybe next time I’ll actually give you something substantial to read, but don’t count on it. My next blog will probably be just like dating me, short lived and not very gratifying.
I’m a pretty tough guy. How tough am I? I’ve been alone for the past 14 years and have yet to kill myself. But that’s not the only thing that proves my toughness. I will now commence to list to you the things I know I could beat up.
1. A small kitten.
He’s small and all he does is meow. Plus let’s just go ahead and say he’s been abandoned, I don’t want to have to deal with his kitten family. He’d meow at me, and I’d kick him in his furry face. A small kitten doesn’t stand a chance.
2. Fourteen seven-year-olds
I believe that I could take on fourteen kids who are of the age of seven and below. My guess is that they will at one point try to surround me and jump on me at once. This is when I commence to hold one in a head lock and tell another that their parents never loved them and that they’re the reason they don’t have a dad and their mom drinks every night till she can’t feel feelings. Eventually, of course, the numbers game would come into play.
3. A 94 year-old paraplegic in a wheel chair.
What are they going to do? Look at me? I wouldn’t even have to lay a hand on them, just push their wheel chair outside so they have to hear the kids these days drive by playing their bump bump music. Or I could punch them in the face.
4. Charlie Brown and 6 other Peanuts characters.
Charlie Brown wouldn’t stand a chance. For one, he can’t even kick a football, AND he goes to therapy. Plus he kind of deserves a swift smack of justice to the face for that horrendous Christmas tree he found.
5. Chuck Norris.
Of course, I meant Chuck Norris fifteen years from now, banking on my theory that he will be dead and I won’t be. Of course this could be thwarted if Chuck Norris defies logic and lives to be 275 years old, and I’m ended by my decision for just one more cheeseburger.
So there you have it. Those are the just some of the reasons why I’m a tough guy. What’s that? You want to challenge me? WELL BRING IT!!! Wait, you say you took karate classes and have a black belt? Oh…um…give me a sec would ya? I just remembered I left something on somewhere that needs to be attended to at sometime..
The swine flu has swept across the world and almost tens of people in the United States have died from it. Regardless of the fact that it’s pretty much the same as regular flu (which regularly ends lives every year, especially in older folk and small folk), the news has decided it worth while to spread fear and panic among people. They’re doing this because it is their duty to save the public, especially saving themselves financially. A little known fact about swine flu: It first started in 1972, when a young curious man named Benjamin Beanbottom found himself with a beautiful bird and an attractive pig. One thing led to another and they all ended up in a three way tirade of beer and love. Two days later Mr. Beanbottom found out that all three of them had the flu before the event (this story is very similar to how AIDS began, except with a different guy and a monkey). This is why it’s very important for everyone to realize that before you enter any kind of relationship with both a bird and a pig, you should all three get checked out for influenza.
The swine flu may seem terrible, but it’s bringing together people of all creeds. In the picture above, an african american woman administers a swine flu shot to a white man. Afterwards, they went out for drinks at the bar, although two different ones since she wasn’t allowed in the same one he was.
They wear face masks in Mexico to avoid the swine flu, and to avoid other Mexicans.
2. PRESIDENT TELLS CITIZENS THAT THEY NEED TO WASH THEIR HANDS
During his television time this past week, President Obama was asked about how to avoid the swine flu. He promptly stood up, got a stern look in his face, pointed at the camera and told America it needed to wash it’s hands. He then told America to brush their teeth and to be in bed by 10 since they had school tomorrow.
not only should you wash your hands to help you fight against swine flu, you should also be sure that bird and pig you’re having relationships with are also doing the same.
3. PRESIDENT OBAMA’S PRESIDENCY HIT’S THE 100 DAYS MARK
It’s now been 100 days since Obama got into office. Now, I’m not one to complain and I know it’s only been 100 days, but Mr. President, I have yet to get a new house and to be able to quit my job. I was under the impression that when you got into office things would be different and I wouldn’t have to work for anything. So…get on that.
This graphic only cost the American people 3 billion dollars.
4. CHRYSLER GOES BANKRUPT
Chrysler went bankrupt this week. The bad economy is what was blamed. Now that is partially true. The biggest reason though is that the people who bought their cars are now in their 60s.
Another reason Chrysler went bankrupted? They believed that wood pannels were a good idea.
5. AIR FORCE ONE FLIES LOW FOR A PHOTO OP IN NEW YORK, PANIC INSUES
For the sake of getting a good picture, someone decided that it would be a grand idea to fly a huge plane lower than usual in New York. Now, I’m not the brightest guy, but even I would think twice about that. Luckily there was outrage over the incident, which prompted them to cancel their next photo op in which they were going to hand a bunch of jews some swastikas and tell them they won a free camping trip.
This is also the exact same plane on which President Harrison Ford asked a terrorist to get off his plane before politely kicking him off.
Colorado. What a square. Oh ha ha ha. Sorry to start off with a joke that was lame in 1972, but I do what I want cause I can.
WHERE THE NAME CAME FROM
Colorado actually means “racist against people with red skin color” in Swahili, which was the Native American tribe that originally inhabited the area. This of course is completely true, so please don’t waste time actually checking into the fact I just made up. You will not get anywhere in life, and everyone will hate you a little bit more than they already did.
CLIMATE
The higher up in elevation you go, the lower the temperature. This is the same belief I use when I do drugs, believing that the higher I am, then the lower my blood pressure is, therefore making cocaine a healthy habit.
MAJOR TERRIBLE EVENTS
The state has had it’s share of tornados, blizzards, and fires. It also has had terrible mining disasters. Many have perished working in the caves, including the entire cast of Fraggle Rock.
TOURIST ATTRACTIONS
Colorado is full of places to go rafting, swimming, hiking, or whatever hits your fancy. However, if you hate the outdoors, then don’t go there. Just stay home if you’re a computer geek. If you do move there, then you’d be surrounded by people who are outside constantly and by women who would never procreate with you.
HISTORY
1803: The United States purchased the land that became Colorado. The US was iffy on buying it at first, but France threw in Utah, Wyoming, and the first three seasons of Smallville on DVD.
1878: Silver was discovered, thus began the Great Silver Rush of Colorado. While not as big or important as it’s California Gold Rush cousin, The Great Silver Rush of Colorado was just as important, allowing many poor families to make their own sporks.
1893: Colorado women were allowed to vote, becoming the first state to allow such a thing. This eventually led to Colorado women getting jobs, which led to Colorado men having millions upon millions of sandwiches go unmade.
PERCENTAGES:
64% like the mountains.
33% enjoy going to the beach.
77% go to the mountains, but secretly wish they were at the beach.
8% think the Rocky Mountains just get in the way.
MAJOR CITIES
Denver: named after the late singer/songwriter Jon Denver, this city is known for being so far above sea level that no one else cares about it.
Colorado Springs: Located just north of Colorado Autumns, this is where you come to sit in the city’s numerous natural hot springs and realize that you’ve done nothing with your pathetic life. You’ve just wasted your life. Sitting around waiting on things to come your way. You’re just becoming more and more pathetic everyday (EDITORS NOTE: This goes on like this for an hour followed by another full hour of weeping).
EDUCATION: most in the state of Colorado can read, although due to the altitude of the state, most believe that they are surrounded by ants.
FUN FACTS:
It is illegal in Colorado to not appear to be a combination of hippie and stuck up tightwad. It is required that you get a coffee at Starbucks everyday before heading off to tie yourself to a tree to save a forest.
No one knows how the Rocky Mountains got their name. Most assume it was named after a movie about a fictional boxer played by Sylvester Stallone.
FAMOUS COLORADIANS
Tim Allen: actor and comedian. Known for his grunts and his jail time.
Roseanne Barr: Somehow became popular for comedy even though she wasn’t remotely humorous.
Bill Murray: A world famous ghostbuster who helped to save New York on two separate occasions.
With this rock just barely hanging on to it’s foundation, it has become a symbol for Paris Hilton’s career.
I’m starting a new segment here on Johnnyism. We all know my intense hatred of what I call “stupid music”. I’m looking at you, Nickelback. So I will begin to go through the top 40 songs getting air time on America’s radio and I will dissect them, lyric by lyric. I will be using Billboard’s list for this. I will post the lyrics, and then I will tell you what the artist is trying to say. This will be whatever genre too. Whatever I can pick out of the top 40. It’s all game.
Today’s song is…..
Soulja Boy – Kiss Me Thru The Phone
Baby, u know that I miss u
I wanna get with u
Tonight but I can’t now baby girl
And that’s the issue
He obviously has a girlfriend/baby’s mama that he’s unable to get to. Maybe he could be in jail? He could just be out on the road living that thug life. But the point he’s trying to make is that tonight he won’t be able to be with her.
Girl u know I miss u
I just wanna kiss u
But I can’t right now so baby
Kiss me through the phone
He still misses his girlfriend/baby’s mama. He would really enjoy attempting to kiss her. He just can’t right now you see? He’s not there. He can’t kiss her. So he would like for her to make out with the phone and pretend that phone is him. He’s going to pretend that the phone is her too, and then proceed to smash the phone repeatedly onto a table (wait, this is Soulja Boy, not Chris Brown).
Kiss me through the phone
(I’ll see u later on)
Kiss me through the phone
Kiss me through the phone
(See ya when I get home)
I think this is the chorus. In this incredible bit of poetry, the author just wants his lady to kiss him through the phone. Or kiss the phone. He doesn’t take into account that she could get germs. How inconsiderate. He also adds that he will see her later on, when he gets home, and when he does, I guess then she can still kiss him on the phone.
Baby, I know that u like me
U my future wifey
Soulja boy tell’em yea
U can be my bonnie
I can be yo’ clyde
Here he is obviously professing his love to her by referring to her as a “wifey” which is street slang for that crack hoe he banged and got pregnant. He also puts his own name in these parts just so she knows who’s future wifey she is. In the next two lines, he compares them to Bonnie and Clyde. He could of also went with Fred and Wilma, Turner and Hooch, Mickie and Minnie, or Scarecrow and Mrs. King.
U can be my wife
Text me, call me
I need u in my life
Yea all day
Everyday I need ya
And everytime I see ya
My feelings get deeper
I miss ya, I miss ya
I really wanna kiss ya
But I can’t(but I can’t)
678 triple 9 8212
Again he wants her to know they could be married and live the perfect life of scrapping on the streets and going from drug deal to drug deal. And although he may seem like a thug, he embraces new technology. He urges her to text him or call him since that will make her seem that she’s in even more of his life. She can text him while he’s banging some other shawty while he’s making his next record. With every text and every time he sees her, he apparently loves her more. He misses her so much that he wants to kiss her, but for some reason he just can’t. But he can apparently give out her phone number to the public.
Baby I’ve been thinkin lately
So much about u
Everything about u
I like it, I love it
Kissing u in public
Thinking nothing of it
He’s been reflecting. He’s been thinking about her. He deeply enjoys everything about her. From her drugged up blood shot eyes to her cocaine rotted out teeth. He really likes her, and really loves her, so much in fact, that he would hold her hand in public. He might even claim that baby as his. He doesn’t even think twice about hugging her. In front of people even!
She call my phone like da(20x)
We on da phone like da(20x)
We takin pics like da(20x)
She dial my numba like da(10x)
678 triple 9 8212
So she apparently calls his phone a lot. The word “da” apparently means more than once. So that means they’re on the phone a lot, they take pictures of each other a lot, she even dials his number a lot (which makes sense considering in the first part of this he stated that she calls his phone a lot, which would mean that she dials it a lot).
So, in conclusion, this song is fantastic. It really made me want to ram my head into a concrete mall like da.
I’m going to end all these with a song I like. Please enjoy this weeks Johnnyism pick.
This week’s pick: The Airborne Toxic Event – Gasoline
Currently my allergies are smacking me around. I cannot breathe out of my nostrils. So here is a list of things I would do if it would get me my ability to breathe out of my nose.
*I would kill a family of tiger cubs in front of their tiger cub cousins.
*I would murder a goat in front of it’s own mother.
*I would strangle kittens with my bare hands in front of a group of orphaned children.
*I would beat a small hamster until it’s lifeless body withered in agony.
*I would let Ric Flair chop me and then let his sweat drop onto my face.
*I would smother a gopher and then throw it’s stiff dead body at it’s father.
My point is I would really like to breathe out of my nose. Is that so much to ask? I think not.
So he beats her until she is almost unrecognizable. He kept beating her. It was as if he was beating her, got tired of beating her, took a five minute break, then beat her some more. His career should be over. The funny part of this story is the fact that Rihanna went back to him and they are dating again… Why do women do this? He showed her he loved her with his fists. And she went back to him. Cause she loves him I guess? I’ll never understand women. He beat me so much I had to go to the hospital, but gosh darn it I love him. He hit me with a Louisville Slugger, but I know deep down he really loves me. See how crazy that sounds? Maybe that’s what I’m doing wrong, I’m not beating the women I’m around.
I show her I care with flowers and a fist to the mouth.
2. Chimp Attacks Woman
So you get a call from your friend. And she asks you to come over and help her calm her pet monkey down. A monkey she is way to close to. So you go over there out of the goodness of your heart. The end result is that the monkey ate your face off.
Hmmm…I think I’ll eat some old woman’s face today…
3. Charles Barkley Jail Time
Charles Barkley, known as a legend in basketball who never won a championship, was sentenced to jail time for a DUI incident. Perhaps that would explain his golf swing.
4. Johnnyism videos
I have started videos that I will be putting up on my facebook and on youtube. First up is my series on how to get ladies to notice you. And since I’m not above whore’ing myself out, even on my own blog, I will show you one of those videos.
I’ve had some lady friends ask me a question. No, it’s not are you single. Sadly they never ask me that. They do ask me what men are thinking. So I’m going to answer that for you. Men are always thinking about three basic things. Those things are eat, sleep and sex. That’s exactly why I’m fat, tired all the time, and always having to get a new pillow. I will now attempt to tell you about the main types of guys.
1. Overconfident good looking guy. Yeah he’s attractive. He knows he is. What’s more all the women know he’s hot so they don’t care how much of a jerk he is.
2. The shirtless guy. This is the guy who ALWAYS finds an excuse to take off his shirt. It is beyond annoying. It’s like when they put sex in a movie when it doesn’t really add anything to the movie.
3. Sports guy. Sports are beyond important to him. He might pay you attention, just not on game day.
Ok here is the deal. I didn’t actually plan on writing a blog about types of guys. I thought of the pillow line at work today and it made me laugh out loud at my own joke so hardcore that I had to work it in. That’s how proud I am of it.
So what I will write about is my day. You see, it snowed last night. I had told many people that I was tired of these “tease” snows. You know, snows that barely snow and don’t even cover the roads. I wanted snow that would get me out of work the next day.
I wake up this morning to about 5 to 6 inches of snow. A minute of joy feels my empty heart. Then I’m told I have to go to work. So anger ensues. So then I get in my mustang and drive to work. On roads that are so bad that no soul should be driving on them. I was so angry that I had to go in. I was thinking about how it was like I was in Nazi controlled Germany. Being told what to do. Being told to risk my car (notice how I value my car more so than I value me). I felt like a jew just before being asked to take a final shower.
So I was angry at work all day. Just wanted a day off and apparently God did not see fit to let me have that one small favor. Just one small favor so I’ll know that life is more than sadness and being crapped on. So after renouncing my religion, I made it through the day. I was sort of happy when I was walking out the door and walking to my car to leave. Then it happened. In slow motion, my right foot slipped up from underneath me on some ice in the parking lot and down I went. Slowly my butt and knee smashed the ground. The dvd’s I had in my hands went flying up into the air and littered on top of me and the ground surrounding me. I sat there for a minute and pondered what had just happened…
I climbed up off the ground. I dusted the snow off my pants. Physically I was not harmed. My knee was smarting for a minute, but overall I was physically ok. My dignity, however, may never recover. So I tell you this to teach you a lesson. That lesson is that while your day may be bad, it will probably get worse.
Do I have a low self-esteem? I don’t think I do. I think I have the most amazing self-esteem you could possibly have. Which is amazing considering I look like Chris Farley after he’s been beaten by a street gang of black guys. In this post, I shall try to give everyone an update on my dentist appointment. But my goal is that for every positive comment I make toward myself, I will also put a negative comment. I know this sounds backwards, but you’re rubber and I’m glue….I don’t remember how that ends but you’re stupid.
I finally got Dental insurance. This is amazing since it proves I am still employed, which I’m sure destroys many ongoing office pools. The amazing part about this is the fact that I haven’t been to a dentist since middle school. I thought I had amazing teeth considering, always brushing them and chewing gum. I was slightly nervous but managed to seem calm and collected on the outside. I can safely say this since I only peed myself a little bit.
Finally, I heard it. “Mr. Townsend?” My name came from the lips of a heavenly angel. A girl so beautiful my uglyness was highlighted being next to her. It was like Evangeline Lilly from ABC’s LOST leading around the hunchback of Notre Dame. As she laid me down on the chair, and looked over me with her hauntingly beautiful eyes I was in a trance. I was in love with this beautiful goddess. Then she jabbed my gums with sharp objects and the honeymoon was over. I was on the verge of wishing for gum disease. After she was done murdering my mouth, she told me what my x-rays said. She did so with the voice of a siren. If I was at sea I would of jumped overboard to get closer to the voice, only to smash into the rocks below.
I thanked her for being so brave to venture into my mouth, a place never ventured into before (please refrain from the homosexual jokes). Then she told me I had decent teeth considering I hadn’t been to the dentist since Clinton was in office leaving stains on dresses. She was insanely nice to me. The first woman to be nice to me. I was once told I should go put my head underneath a tractor tire, and that was by my mom (har har har, just kidding, my mom loves me). Here is a list of what some women have told me through the years.
“I really need you to go stick yourself into the mouth of a crocodile.”
“Look. I’m going to need you to stop talking to me.”
“I’m not even going to let you buy me free dinner.”
“Every time I see you, I wish you were someone more attractive.”
“I know you’re 26, but I think with technology now, you could still be aborted. And you should be.”
“You look like John Candy.” (my grandma actually said this one)
Now that I’ve told you those, I’ll tell you the positive things said to me, and all of them being from my mom.
“You’re handsome.”
“You’re going to have women coming after you in droves.”
“You could have any woman you want with your personality.”
See. Told you I would do both positive and negative comments. So did my John Candy looking tush ask anything of this hot dentist assistant lady? Heck no. I chickened out. That and her face gave all the signs of begging me not to start stalking her (I’ve seen that face enough to become an expert at recognizing it). So I said my goodbyes and walked out the door.
So what did we learn? Hmmmm…… I look like John Candy? No no that can’t be it. I’m one of those people who just looks like a creepy stalker that women think would slip a rufie to her? No no no. It’s that you can meet the most beautiful woman on the earth, and in the end, she’ll just make your gums hurt.
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