Big ole’ Texas. The Lone star state. The largest state in the United States (if you don’t count Alaska, something Texas refuses to do). The state flag is red with a huge belt buckle in the center of it. The state where everyone loves BBQ, but no one can spell it.
The state of Texas was named after the country music singer Tex Ritter. I have no actual solid evidence to back this claim up, but you should still believe me since it saves you the trouble of actually trying to look something up. Have I steered you wrong yet?
AUTHOR NOTE: This is a rhetorical question.
CLIMATETexas is hot. See how easy this is?
-Texas is subject to flooding. Texas says it doesn’t care though, since it’s so big it can handle it.
-Dallas Tornado outbreak. A deadly tornado outbreak that killed people and some cowboys.
-Dick Cheney shoots man in the side of the head. He claims it was an accident, saying he thought the guy was a deer. When pressed for more details, Dick Cheney shoots all the reporters in the room in the face.
-Texas has many interesting tourist attractions. If you don’t believe Texas, it says to tell that to it in person, you yellow bellied coward.
-The Alamo. Where a handful of men tried to go against a whole army of Mexicans. This great battle is reenacted today in the immigration courts. This is also the resting place of Davey Crockett, who’s only claim to fame was that he wore the best raccoon hat ever made.
-Seaworld. Yeah, I didn’t know Texas had one of these either. Most of the attractions here are no bigger than goldfish, due to the quickly evaporating waters.
Early Years: Texas was a part of Mexico. Americans were kidnapped and you couldn’t drink the water. Most of the residents spent their time thinking of ways of getting to America, where they can get a decent job picking oranges.
1861: Texas was accepted as a state. The United States thought if it just accepted Texas for who it was, then maybe it would stop picking on them.
1800s to early 1900s: Texas goes through a rough period of violence. Most historians believe this is due to their jeans being to tight.
1950s: Texas attempts to improve it’s education. It now proudly boasts that it’s smarter then Arkansas.
White: 99%
Cowboys: 55%
Have never seen a tennis shoe: 25%
Believe John Wayne was a prophet: 63%
Have seen Tall In The Saddle: 85%
Believe that if you haven’t seen Tall In The Saddle then you’re queer: 65%
Dallas: Known for it’s huge airport. No one has cared about Dallas ever since it was revealed who shot J.R.
San Antonio: The capital city. San Antonio is brought to you by Levi jeans. If you are caught wearing another brand, you will be shot in the head. In a related fact, the roads of San Antonio are made out of corpses.
Houston: A good listener. Everyone will tell you how easy it is to tell Houston that you have a problem.
EDITORS NOTE: the author of this blog wishes for the loyal readers to know that he is not above making those jokes that make you groan because they are so terribly bad
Are literate: 15%
Use books as target practice: 99%
-Since everything is bigger in Texas, the other states believe Texas to be compensating for something.
- Most Texans are quick to point out that although Broke Back Mountain was superbly acted, that is not how they do things in Texas.
-Every 6.8 seconds, someone in Texas spits tobacco into a large spittoon.
-Texas regularly threatens to leave the United States and become it’s own country. It would totally do it too. It just needs a small loan from you and some furniture you’re not using.
-Texas is home to Dell and Compaq. This influenced the Texas state motto, “A connection to the server could not be established.”
-George Bush: His son became president. That’s all I really know about him.
-Gene Roddenberry: Not only did he create Star Trek, he created an instrument that thousands of 30 year old men will use to keep them in their parents’ basement. Widely considered a gateway drug to other nerdcotics such as Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, and online computer roleplaying games.
-Patrick Swayze: Killed in 1990, he was famous for coming back as a ghost and helping Demi More make a clay pot.
-insert country music singer’s name here: many country music artists were born in Texas. Something I will never forgive Texas for.
This is the average size for a Texan. Most Texans claim it to be a curse, however. Stating that it’s really difficult to find jeans their size.
The alamo. That patch of grass in the front of it is the only grass located in the entire state of Texas.
You are required by law to wear these in Texas.
The governor of Texas. Known for being a people person and for his slow motion roundhouse kicks.
These useful tools have brought peace and harmony to the state of Texas.
11 comments
Comments feed for this article
July 11, 2008 at 10:32 am
Amy
Hey now, take it easy on the good ole’ Texas boys. ;0)
RE: -Texas is home to Dell and Compaq. This influenced the Texas state motto, “A connection to the server could not be established.”
Its true, Texas is home to Dell (I could even tell you the address if you really wanted to know). I have good news concerning the motto – it will soon be changing! A world leader in fiber optics is supplying Dell with materials for their data centers. The new motto will be “A connection to the server is established on-time, every time, without error”. Woo-hooo!!!!
July 12, 2008 at 1:20 am
johnnyism
I like how you used my blog to somehow plug your job. Kudos.
July 14, 2008 at 4:54 am
Amy
Its called dedication, a committed employee.
July 14, 2008 at 6:55 am
Tammy & Mark
I had to go found out how Texas really got it’s name. I didn’t have to look to hard. I found http://www.forttumbleweed.net. It has pictures and music. You need to check it out.
Aunt Tammy
July 14, 2008 at 11:20 pm
JSword
Actually, I think Austin is still the capital of Texas. This is quite a controversy still in Texas, since Sam Houston tried to move it south, and they had quite a little spat over the whole issue.
Austin is a beautiful city, built almost entirely of pink granite. If you like pink granite, I would heartily recommend renewing your passport and visiting Texas. I see no other sane reason for wanting to go.
July 15, 2008 at 12:23 am
Rebecca
Yes – Austin is the state capital
No – we don’t ride horses to school or work
No – not everybody wears boots (most don’t)
The Alamo is probably the most boring place in Texas
And Houston has the CRAZIEST drivers on the planet!!!
July 15, 2008 at 3:46 am
johnnyism
I’ve actually been to the Alamo, and I enjoyed it. But that being said, I really like history so it was cool to me.
Those who do not wear boots in Texas are jailed and most of the time killed by lethel injection.
Many Texans believe that you can lead a horse to the water, but it’s way harder to drown them once you’re there.
I actually knew that Austin was the capital, and contrary to popular belief, I actually know how Texas got its name.
I would really get a kick out of this if people started to see me as some sort of expert on such things as the states.
July 15, 2008 at 11:22 pm
Rebecca
I know you were being sarcastic in your Texas editorial – but being from Texas – and actually having been asked if I ride my horse to work – I wanted to make that clear!!
No, you won’t be jailed for no boots – but you will get the injection for NOT loving country music.
“Poor Johnny,
He was a good man. All he wanted to do was come to Texas to meet the fans of his blog. Sadly, it was discovered that he blasphemed against country music, and that was the end.
He leaves behind tens of dozens of readers, and those waiting to hear where the rest of the states got their names. I guess we’ll never know.
Good bye dear Johnny”
hehehehe – just kidding
(writer is hoping you catch the dripping sarcasim and laughs along with her – if not – then she backs out sheepishly, promising to never return again.)
July 15, 2008 at 11:41 pm
johnnyism
i have you know i have a loyal fan base of around 12 people. and i don’t actually know if they’re loyal. or if they are even fans. they could be telling me that just to spare my feelings. but bless you for thinking i had tens of dozens.
(the writer knows sarcasim and appreciates it. The writer wishes to ask you to keep coming back, for it will make his fan base go up to 13.)
July 18, 2008 at 3:50 am
Rebecca
Writer will keep coming back – and is glad reader knows sarcasim – it was sketchy there for a little while.
October 23, 2008 at 4:21 am
texas girl
So, who is this Johnny and where did he get his info. Looks like he is the one that is ignorant. lol There are alot of things you can say about
Texans, but, until you have lived and delt with the over population of crap that keeps floating down or over here because we have the best and some of the most paying jobs, you should not even be able to comment. But, I guess you can, hunh? Texans will probably read this and sit back and laugh because we know the real truth. If you dont like it in Texas go back to where you came from. We wont mind. Really just ask. Oh, and it is spelled Barbecue. Dumb*ss