In this edition of translating a rap video, I will focus on the popular song by Gucci Mane called “Wasted.”  It’s currently number 6 in the Billboard Rap charts.  I will translate exactly what this artist is saying with his rapping so that you, the average person, can understand the message he is trying to present. 

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha
(Wasted)
Ha, ha, ha, ha

(in this part, he’s actually just laughing because he has realized that people listen to him make this kind of music)
 

Ha, rock star lifestyle might don’t make it
Living life high everyday click wasted
Sipping on purple stuff rolling up stanky
Wake up in the morning 10 clock dranking

(He’s a rock star you see.  He lives his life high every single day.  He enjoys drinking purple liquids and not showering.  He wakes up promptly every morning at 10 AM and decides that since he isn’t contributing to society in any shape or form, he can start drinking)
 

Party, party, party, let’s all get wasted
Shake it for me baby girl, do it butt naked
I’m so wasted, she so wasted shout the bartender
Send 20 more cases

(He enjoys saying the word party while drinking alcoholic beverages.  He asks a young woman if she wouldn’t mind causing a motion in your buttocks region, and if she could possibly do that while nude.  He and her are both drunk and ask the bartender if he could bring them even more beverages, since the thought of alcoholic poisoning obviously hasn’t entered his mind)
 

Geeking like Whitney, geeking like Britney
Gucci no hippie but it’s on like Jimy X
Pill poppers geeked up krazy whole click rolling
Everyone wasted purple codine sprite

(He geeks like Whitney Houston and Britney Spears, meaning he likes to have a man who’s a loser around and beats him while snorting cocaine.  He isn’t a hippie but believes that hippie is in fact on a man named Jimy X.  He goes with his friends and some of them partake in taking pills.  They then drink Sprite that they have turned purple, because it brings out his eyes and matches his outfit)
 

Pink don’t wasted, mix up, grandma drunk it
Then taste it, now grandma sipping syrup
Leaning wasted walking ’round f**k up
Twisting her finga home gurl

(They had a pink pill, but they didn’t want it to go to waste so they put it in a drink so his grand mother could drink it.  Now she’s an alcoholic too and even resorts to drinking children’s cough medicine.  He has had so much to drink now he can’t walk correctly. The woman he is with is double jointed and is doing magic tricks with her finger)
 

Slipped up drunk got wasted now
She back stage an she tryna get famous
Hit me up the drinky, drinky Gucci Mane
Shake it, club night, d*mn right, Gucci Mane wasted

(The woman is slipping because she’s drunk.  She is so drunk she thinks that the backstage is where everyone will see her.  She asks him to hit her while screaming “drinky drinky.”  He attends a dance club where people enjoy moving their bodies to music while cursing)
 

I don’t wear tight jeans like the white boys
But I do get wasted like the white boys
Now I’m looking for a b***h to suck dis almond joy
Said she gotta stop sucking ’cause her jaw’s sore

(He’s racist and hates white male children who wear tight jeans.  He does, however, like to get drunk with them.   He found himself a candy bar, an Almond Joy to be exact.  He found a woman who he thought would enjoy the Almond Joy, but apparently she’s a Mounds person, since the Almond Joy’s hurt her jaws.  She may have lock jaw)
 

Gotta b***h on the couch, b***h on the floor
Party just popping up but now he rolling more
Rolled on, 3 pills now, he on 4 idk, why?
But that remy turned into a whore

(He has two female dogs, possibly pitbulls, one that stays on the couch and the other on the floor.  The party he attended has pop up books.  He enjoys those, but can’t get enough of them.  He went to another party, took three pills and doesn’t know why.  He then calls the band Remy Zero a whore, possibly because he thinks they’re sell outs for doing the theme to Smallville)
 

Walked in the club, pocket full of big faces
Got the 40 on my waist and it’s off safety
‘Bout 40 goons wit me and we all wasted
Only remy straight tonight dawg no chasing

(He went into a dance club.  In his pocket he has a bunch of masks.  On his waist, he has a gun that he didn’t put on the safety, since this is obviously a genius idea.  He has forty people with him, they’re all drunk and dancing and shooting their guns.  Only the band Remy Zero has had anything to drink tonight, possibly because they are driving or because Superman told them they couldn’t)
 

Only click faded we geeked up crazy
Big boy bracelet we white boy wasted
No shirt, f**k it unless your arms tatted
We slapping trunk disgusted the liquor

(Some of his friends put clothes in the wash and the colors faded, but they all geeked up and got crazy thinking about Star Wars.  He can’t wait to grow up to be an adult man so that he can wear bracelets while he is drunk like a white male child.  He likes to be like his idol, Matthew McConaughey, so he doesn’t wear a shirt and makes bad movies.  In the last line of this part, it’s not actual English and cannot possibly be translated)
 

Keep wasting 285 east side me and Plies wasted
Racing seven big booty broads chasing spring break
50 thousand white girls shake it some dancing naked
But everyone wasted magic city Monday

(He has wasted 285 east side Plies, which, like the rest of the song, makes no possible sense.  He then goes out for spring break and races seven women with bigger than average buttocks.  He then finds 50,000 white women who are dancing in the nude and disappointing their parents at the same time.  It’s Monday and everyone is drunk, possibly to get this song out of their heads)

Ball players wasted this one for yo’ uncle
Drinking Thunderbird wasted 12 pack wasted
I need more cases and Gucci not a racist
All my diamonds Caucasians

(A basketball player was someone’s uncle and was killed.  Somehow he has drunk a Ford motor vehicle and didn’t drink a 12 pack of beer that went to waste.  He needs more drinks and he isn’t a racist, as proven by his white friends who are covered in diamonds)
I have now translated this song for you.  So if you happen to hear it again, you will now fully understand it.  You are welcome.

1. Miley Cyrus quits Twitter

Miley Cyrus has decided to quit her mega popular Twitter.  She said that she quit because she wants to keep her private life private.  She has ensured her privacy AND proved that she doesn’t want all that attention by releasing a rap song on Youtube that has over 2 million views already.  With that being said, I regret to inform you all that I shall be quitting my popular Facebook and Twitter updates.  I’m hoping to tell everyone that I just want my privacy by releasing a huge budget commercial that will air during the Superbowl.

Please look at her so she can tell you that she doesn’t want attention.
 

2.  President Obama wins Nobel Peace Prize

President Obama was selected to win the Nobel Peace Prize this past week.  He won for all his hard work of making promises he hasn’t yet accomplished.  He has won by having goals, but not achievements.  Also announced, Tom Hanks will win an Oscar for whatever movie he’s filming next.  And my blog has won blog of the year for 2011.

No one has cared about this award since the 1940s.
 

3.  NASA Bombs the Moon

On Friday, NASA bombed the moon stating that there could be weapons of mass destruction located there.  In other jokes circa 2004, George Bush says stupid things.

If we don’t bomb the moon, then the terrorists win.
 

4.  AH-NOLD SIGNS BILL TO HONOR HAR-VEY MILK

California governor Arnold Schwarenegger signed a bill that honors the first openly gay politician elected to office Harvey Milk.  When asked why, Governor Schwarenegger said “I honor Harvey Milk because milk did Ahrnold’s body good.  Ahrnold drunk milk everyday and got muscles on top of muscles. Go see my movie, Jingle All The Way with Sinbad, yahh fun for the whole family.”  Harvey Milk is heralded in the gay community.  He’s Harvey Milk, and while he may not have recruited you, he certainly wanted to grab your genitals if you were a man.

He has come from the future to warn you that he will become governor of California

That’s what’s in the news.  In leaving, please know that I enjoy statistics.  So I recently asked a bunch of people If they were glad that they found my blog site.  This pie chart illustrates their responses.

OBAMA HELPS RAPPERS RAP MORE MATURE LIKE

Rappers around the states claim that President Obama has ushered in a brand new era of more mature lyrics and rhymes in their music.  The African American President has inspired them to rap about things that matter in life.  This of course is proven by the songs that these rap artists are bringing out.  Such as Twista’s “Wetter (Calling You Daddy)” and Pitbull’s “Hotel Room Service”.  These songs really show the growth and maturity that the President has inspired these artists to show.  With such beautiful lyrics that really bring out this maturity. 

This man has become more mature since Obama is President.  His song, “Wetter (Calling You Daddy)” proudly shows how he’s grown.

TLC DROPS JON BUT KEEPS KATE AROUND

Jon has been dropped from the somehow a hit show Jon and Kate Plus 8.  The main surprise here is that this show was a hit show.  TLC is toying with some new names, such as “Kate Plus Eight Plus Sometimes a Guy Who Isn’t a Man Anymore Since He Used to be Married to Kate” or “Eight Kids Who Don’t Stand a Chance Because Their Parents Care More About Their Celebrity Than Their Own Children” or “Kate Plus Eight Children She Doesn’t Take Care Of.”

The kids pictured above sadly will have no chance.  

IRAN WILL LET SWISS OFFICIALS VISIT THREE U.S. HIKERS

The three U.S. hikers who are being held by Iran will now be allowed to have Swiss officials visit them.  These Swiss officials aren’t allowed to pass along any messages from the United States, but will be allowed to toss the prisoners small assorted chocolates.

This is where 3 U.S. hikers are hidden, a few missles are hidden, and where you can find all your missing socks.

That’s all for now Johnnyism peeps.  I’m going to attempt to update this blog more and more.

Hello Johnnyism fans.  Today you’re going to find out how to accomplish a few things.   I will present these in easy quick to learn and remember steps.  With these, you’ll be able to do anything. 

How to Live Dangerously

STEP 1: untie shoe

STEP 2: walk

STEP 3: SUCCESS!!!

 
How to Get a Woman

STEP 1: be an a-hole

STEP 2: SUCCESS!!!

 
How to Realize You’re a Pro Video Gamer

STEP 1: really get into video games

STEP 2: realize how alone you really are.

STEP 3:  SUCCESS!!!!!

 
How to write almost any Hollywood movie

STEP 1:  vomit onto paper

STEP 2:  SUCCESS!!!!

 
How to Get Famous Without Having Any Talent

STEP 1: get a show on MTV

STEP 2:  SUCCESS!!!!!

 
How to be Better Than Hitler

STEP 1:  don’t kill a bunch of Jews.

STEP 2:  SUCCESS!!!!

Now I know I haven’t wrote in while.  And I know you’re crying and rioting in the streets because of it.  So to make up for that, I am posting two quick blogs.  You’re getting two blogs in one!  Though technically they’re both real small and don’t even really equal up to one blog.  Beggars can’t be choosers my friends.  But they can be Americans.  And I’m American.  What I’m trying to say is happy birthday America.

 
One Thing Led To Another

I heard a comedian once bring up that the fact that the phrase “one thing led to another” was a cop out.  It leaves out so many details.  And this is true.  I will prove this by the following examples.

*I went over to Suzy’s house, and one thing led to another, and by the end of the night I was in jail without any pants on.

*Jim was racing, and one thing led to another, and now he’s lost.

*So this guy Adolf becomes the leader of Germany, and well, one thing led to another, and at the end a bunch of Jews died.

See what I mean? 

 
How to Avoid Fights

I have been in about two fights in my entire life, so it’s obvious I know how to avoid them.  So here are a few tips in how to avoid a fight.

1. Play with his hair.  This will comfort him and lull him to sleep. 

2. Poop yourself.  No one wants to fight someone who has just soiled themselves.

3. Drop your pants.  When he asks you what you’re doing, explain to him that’s how you have always fought. 

4. Start to sing Cher songs.  You’ll either scare them away, or find out that the Cher trick doesn’t work on homosexuals.

5.  Tell them you’re a famous writer of blogs.  By the time they realize how stupid and pointless and useless a blog really is, you are long gone. 

There you have it.  Two quick blog posts in one post!  It’s perfect to help out the economy!  Maybe next time I’ll actually give you something substantial to read, but don’t count on it.  My next blog will probably be just like dating me, short lived and not very gratifying.

I’m a pretty tough guy.  How tough am I?  I’ve been alone for the past 14 years and have yet to kill myself.  But that’s not the only thing that proves my toughness.  I will now commence to list to you the things I know I could beat up. 

1.  A small kitten. 

He’s small and all he does is meow.  Plus let’s just go ahead and say he’s been abandoned, I don’t want to have to deal with his kitten family.  He’d meow at me, and I’d kick him in his furry face.  A small kitten doesn’t stand a chance.

 
2.  Fourteen seven-year-olds

I believe that I could take on fourteen kids who are of the age of seven and below.  My guess is that they will at one point try to surround me and jump on me at once.  This is when I commence to hold one in a head lock and tell another that their parents never loved them and that they’re the reason they don’t have a dad and their mom drinks every night till she can’t feel feelings.  Eventually, of course, the numbers game would come into play. 

 
3.  A 94 year-old paraplegic in a wheel chair.

What are they going to do?  Look at me?  I wouldn’t even have to lay a hand on them, just push their wheel chair outside so they have to hear the kids these days drive by playing their bump bump music.  Or I could punch them in the face.

 
4.  Charlie Brown and 6 other Peanuts characters.

Charlie Brown wouldn’t stand a chance.  For one, he can’t even kick a football, AND he goes to therapy.  Plus he kind of deserves a swift smack of justice to the face for that horrendous Christmas tree he found. 

 
5.  Chuck Norris.

Of course, I meant Chuck Norris fifteen years from now, banking on my theory that he will be dead and I won’t be.  Of course this could be thwarted if Chuck Norris defies logic and lives to be 275 years old, and I’m ended by my decision for just one more cheeseburger. 
So there you have it.  Those are the just some of the reasons why I’m a tough guy.  What’s that?  You want to challenge me?  WELL BRING IT!!! Wait, you say you took karate classes and have a black belt?   Oh…um…give me a sec would ya?  I just remembered I left something on somewhere that needs to be attended to at sometime..

1. SWINE FLU

The swine flu has swept across the world and almost tens of people in the United States have died from it.  Regardless of the fact that it’s pretty much the same as regular flu (which regularly ends lives every year, especially in older folk and small folk), the news has decided it worth while to spread fear and panic among people.  They’re doing this because it is their duty to save the public, especially saving themselves financially.  A little known fact about swine flu:  It first started in 1972, when a young curious man named Benjamin Beanbottom found himself with a beautiful bird and an attractive pig.  One thing led to another and they all ended up in a three way tirade of beer and love.  Two days later Mr. Beanbottom found out that all three of them had the flu before the event (this story is very similar to how AIDS began, except with a different guy and a monkey).  This is why it’s very important for everyone to realize that before you enter any kind of relationship with both a bird and a pig, you should all three get checked out for influenza. 

The swine flu may seem terrible, but it’s bringing together people of all creeds.  In the picture above, an african american woman administers a swine flu shot to a white man.  Afterwards, they went out for drinks at the bar, although two different ones since she wasn’t allowed in the same one he was.

They wear face masks in Mexico to avoid the swine flu, and to avoid other Mexicans.

2.  PRESIDENT TELLS CITIZENS THAT THEY NEED TO WASH THEIR HANDS

During his television time this past week, President Obama was asked about how to avoid the swine flu.  He promptly stood up, got a stern look in his face, pointed at the camera and told America it needed to wash it’s hands.  He then told America to brush their teeth and to be in bed by 10 since they had school tomorrow. 

not only should you wash your hands to help you fight against swine flu, you should also be sure that bird and pig you’re having relationships with are also doing the same.

3.  PRESIDENT OBAMA’S PRESIDENCY HIT’S THE 100 DAYS MARK

It’s now been 100 days since Obama got into office.  Now, I’m not one to complain and I know it’s only been 100 days, but Mr. President, I have yet to get a new house and to be able to quit my job.  I was under the impression that when you got into office things would be different and I wouldn’t have to work for anything.  So…get on that.

This graphic only cost the American people 3 billion dollars.

4.  CHRYSLER GOES BANKRUPT

Chrysler went bankrupt this week.  The bad economy is what was blamed.  Now that is partially true.  The biggest reason though is that the people who bought their cars are now in their 60s. 

Another reason Chrysler went bankrupted?  They believed that wood pannels were a good idea.

5.  AIR FORCE ONE FLIES LOW FOR A PHOTO OP IN NEW YORK, PANIC INSUES

For the sake of getting a good picture, someone decided that it would be a grand idea to fly a huge plane lower than usual in New York.  Now, I’m not the brightest guy, but even I would think twice about that.  Luckily there was outrage over the incident, which prompted them to cancel their next photo op in which they were going to hand a bunch of jews some swastikas and tell them they won a free camping trip. 

This is also the exact same plane on which President Harrison Ford asked a terrorist to get off his plane before politely kicking him off.

Colorado. What a square. Oh ha ha ha. Sorry to start off with a joke that was lame in 1972, but I do what I want cause I can.

WHERE THE NAME CAME FROM

Colorado actually means “racist against people with red skin color” in Swahili, which was the Native American tribe that originally inhabited the area. This of course is completely true, so please don’t waste time actually checking into the fact I just made up. You will not get anywhere in life, and everyone will hate you a little bit more than they already did.

CLIMATE

The higher up in elevation you go, the lower the temperature. This is the same belief I use when I do drugs, believing that the higher I am, then the lower my blood pressure is, therefore making cocaine a healthy habit.

MAJOR TERRIBLE EVENTS

The state has had it’s share of tornados, blizzards, and fires. It also has had terrible mining disasters. Many have perished working in the caves, including the entire cast of Fraggle Rock.

TOURIST ATTRACTIONS

Colorado is full of places to go rafting, swimming, hiking, or whatever hits your fancy. However, if you hate the outdoors, then don’t go there. Just stay home if you’re a computer geek. If you do move there, then you’d be surrounded by people who are outside constantly and by women who would never procreate with you.

HISTORY

1803: The United States purchased the land that became Colorado. The US was iffy on buying it at first, but France threw in Utah, Wyoming, and the first three seasons of Smallville on DVD.

1878: Silver was discovered, thus began the Great Silver Rush of Colorado. While not as big or important as it’s California Gold Rush cousin, The Great Silver Rush of Colorado was just as important, allowing many poor families to make their own sporks.

1893: Colorado women were allowed to vote, becoming the first state to allow such a thing. This eventually led to Colorado women getting jobs, which led to Colorado men having millions upon millions of sandwiches go unmade.

PERCENTAGES:

64% like the mountains.

33% enjoy going to the beach.

77% go to the mountains, but secretly wish they were at the beach.

8% think the Rocky Mountains just get in the way.

MAJOR CITIES

Denver: named after the late singer/songwriter Jon Denver, this city is known for being so far above sea level that no one else cares about it.

Colorado Springs: Located just north of Colorado Autumns, this is where you come to sit in the city’s numerous natural hot springs and realize that you’ve done nothing with your pathetic life. You’ve just wasted your life. Sitting around waiting on things to come your way. You’re just becoming more and more pathetic everyday (EDITORS NOTE: This goes on like this for an hour followed by another full hour of weeping).

EDUCATION: most in the state of Colorado can read, although due to the altitude of the state, most believe that they are surrounded by ants.

FUN FACTS:

It is illegal in Colorado to not appear to be a combination of hippie and stuck up tightwad. It is required that you get a coffee at Starbucks everyday before heading off to tie yourself to a tree to save a forest.

No one knows how the Rocky Mountains got their name. Most assume it was named after a movie about a fictional boxer played by Sylvester Stallone.

FAMOUS COLORADIANS

Tim Allen: actor and comedian. Known for his grunts and his jail time.

Roseanne Barr: Somehow became popular for comedy even though she wasn’t remotely humorous.

Bill Murray: A world famous ghostbuster who helped to save New York on two separate occasions.

With this rock just barely hanging on to it’s foundation, it has become a symbol for Paris Hilton’s career.

Colorado in 2007

This is Colorado

This is not Colorado

Here you go.  The third instalment of my ongoing series on how to get a lady to notice you.

I’m starting a new segment here on Johnnyism. We all know my intense hatred of what I call “stupid music”. I’m looking at you, Nickelback. So I will begin to go through the top 40 songs getting air time on America’s radio and I will dissect them, lyric by lyric. I will be using Billboard’s list for this. I will post the lyrics, and then I will tell you what the artist is trying to say. This will be whatever genre too. Whatever I can pick out of the top 40. It’s all game.

Today’s song is…..

Soulja Boy – Kiss Me Thru The Phone

Baby, u know that I miss u
I wanna get with u
Tonight but I can’t now baby girl
And that’s the issue

He obviously has a girlfriend/baby’s mama that he’s unable to get to. Maybe he could be in jail? He could just be out on the road living that thug life. But the point he’s trying to make is that tonight he won’t be able to be with her.

Girl u know I miss u
I just wanna kiss u
But I can’t right now so baby
Kiss me through the phone

He still misses his girlfriend/baby’s mama. He would really enjoy attempting to kiss her. He just can’t right now you see? He’s not there. He can’t kiss her. So he would like for her to make out with the phone and pretend that phone is him. He’s going to pretend that the phone is her too, and then proceed to smash the phone repeatedly onto a table (wait, this is Soulja Boy, not Chris Brown).

Kiss me through the phone
(I’ll see u later on)

Kiss me through the phone

Kiss me through the phone
(See ya when I get home)

I think this is the chorus. In this incredible bit of poetry, the author just wants his lady to kiss him through the phone. Or kiss the phone. He doesn’t take into account that she could get germs. How inconsiderate. He also adds that he will see her later on, when he gets home, and when he does, I guess then she can still kiss him on the phone.

Baby, I know that u like me
U my future wifey
Soulja boy tell’em yea
U can be my bonnie
I can be yo’ clyde

Here he is obviously professing his love to her by referring to her as a “wifey” which is street slang for that crack hoe he banged and got pregnant. He also puts his own name in these parts just so she knows who’s future wifey she is. In the next two lines, he compares them to Bonnie and Clyde. He could of also went with Fred and Wilma, Turner and Hooch, Mickie and Minnie, or Scarecrow and Mrs. King.

U can be my wife
Text me, call me
I need u in my life
Yea all day
Everyday I need ya
And everytime I see ya
My feelings get deeper
I miss ya, I miss ya
I really wanna kiss ya
But I can’t(but I can’t)
678 triple 9 8212

Again he wants her to know they could be married and live the perfect life of scrapping on the streets and going from drug deal to drug deal. And although he may seem like a thug, he embraces new technology. He urges her to text him or call him since that will make her seem that she’s in even more of his life. She can text him while he’s banging some other shawty while he’s making his next record. With every text and every time he sees her, he apparently loves her more. He misses her so much that he wants to kiss her, but for some reason he just can’t. But he can apparently give out her phone number to the public.

Baby I’ve been thinkin lately
So much about u
Everything about u
I like it, I love it
Kissing u in public
Thinking nothing of it

He’s been reflecting. He’s been thinking about her. He deeply enjoys everything about her. From her drugged up blood shot eyes to her cocaine rotted out teeth. He really likes her, and really loves her, so much in fact, that he would hold her hand in public. He might even claim that baby as his. He doesn’t even think twice about hugging her. In front of people even!

She call my phone like da(20x)
We on da phone like da(20x)
We takin pics like da(20x)
She dial my numba like da(10x)
678 triple 9 8212

So she apparently calls his phone a lot. The word “da” apparently means more than once. So that means they’re on the phone a lot, they take pictures of each other a lot, she even dials his number a lot (which makes sense considering in the first part of this he stated that she calls his phone a lot, which would mean that she dials it a lot).

So, in conclusion, this song is fantastic. It really made me want to ram my head into a concrete mall like da.

I’m going to end all these with a song I like. Please enjoy this weeks Johnnyism pick.

This week’s pick:  The Airborne Toxic Event – Gasoline