Everyone knows that the NBA was amazing in the 90s.  I was lucky enough to grow up in the era in which not only had Michael Jordan, but also featured the Dream Team, Shawn Kemp, and the Charlotte Hornets.  Today we’re gonna dive deep into the real reasons as to why the 90s NBA was the greatest.  Starting with….Grandmama.

AAA

Larry Johnson was a powerful undersized forward for the Charlotte Hornets.  When he wasn’t playing basketball with someone roughly the size of your youngest child (Muggsy Bogues), he would spend his free time dressed up as an elderly woman.  It’s not my place to ask why nor is it my place to judge.  All I know is that when Grandmama stepped on the black top in an episode of Family Matters and played ball with a now somehow coordinated Steve Urkel my childhood was complete.  Not even Eddie Winslow could stop Grandmama!

AAAA

Space Jam

The year was 1996.  The world would never be the same after the great documentary “Space Jam” was released.  In this gritty little indie film, Michael Jordan is just minding his own business playing golf with Larry Bird and Peter Venkman when he’s pulled into a new world in which a rabbit and his friends are going to be forced into slavery.  Jordan not only saves their world, but he also saves the talents of Charles Barkley, Grandmama, Muggsy Bogues, Patrick Ewing, and some tall white Mormon guy.  This film is vital to our history.

aaaaa

Lil’ Penny

Penny Hardaway was another one of the players I loved as a child.  This guy could ball.  But what was even better than he was Lil Penny.  Lil Penny would be everywhere.  Some say he was just a doll.  But I like to think that he was a part of Penny Hardaway.  A very small part that loved to do commercials.

That’s all for today.  I’ve said this before, I know, but I hope to start to keep this blog up and going again.  It has been a few years since I had.  So stay tuned!

This is the beginning of a new chapter to the Johnnyism blog.  This means, of course, that I’ll actually try to write an entry more often.  Today I begin a new series.  Will this new series involve me posting and responding to all the negative comments I get?  No.  Everyone already knows I’m a terrible writer and that I’m insanely ignorant.  This one is about things or people that have changed the world.  In today’s episode, we talk about the Facebook.

FACEBOOK: Where An Adult Can Pretend He Has a Life

WHY IS IT IMPORTANT??:  Facebook allows us to keep in contact with people we may have lost contact with, no matter how much we may or may not want to.  It allows us to feel powerful as we hold the balance of someone’s social life in our hands. Stanleywants to be friends?  Not now  Stanley, not now.

Facebook changed the way we socialize.  Before, we wasted so many hours actually getting out of the house, meeting people and hanging out physically with people.  But now no more of that hassle.  Now I can just sit in my computer chair, eating my ice cream cake by myself and no one has to hear my sobbing. 

BRIEF HISTORY:  The movie The Social Network famously portrayed the history of Facebook.  Tho it did get a few things wrong.  Yes, Jesse Eisenberg did in fact invent Facebook.  But what you may not know is that he got the idea from someone hash tagging him on his Twitter account.  Facebook founder Jesse Eisenberg envisioned his creation to not only be a place where people could come together and express themselves, but also as a place where religious girls could post their two piece bikini pics.  And on both accounts he can count himself as a success.

Facebook is now worth approximately the same as the state ofTexas.  Eisenberg has told Texas that he would consider a trade. Texas is considering his offer. 

INTERESTING FACTS:

Facebook has more members than any club. 

Facebook tastes better with the tears of a cyber bullied teenager. 

On Facebook, you may become a fan of an actual wind blowing fan.  Not only does this blow my mind, it also makes me question my religious beliefs.

Without Facebook, I may have never been able to find out just how great my ex girl friend is doing….(the author leaves the room for approximately 45 minutes to compose himself).    

Jesse Eisenberg, the creator of Facebook.  Do not question me on this undeniable fact. 

Thanks to Facebook I was able to become a fan of this.

A recent survey from Duke University showed that most Americans are more likely to purchase a product when it’s priced cheaper.  Many retail chains were suprised by this result.  Jefferey Tanner, lead manager at a local Best Buy, said “I am completely suprised by this!  This may change the way retail stores do business.”   The lead scientist from Duke University, Sam Cisco, stated that while he was also completely caught off guard with the outcome of the results, he would still get paid thousands of dollars that could of went to research diseases.  “I am surprised by the results of our survey.  But I’ll still get my benjamins.”  said the scientist.

The results of the survey showed that 99% of the people polled said they were more likely to buy something when it was priced cheaper.  The other 1% surveyed were dead.

This store was one of many stores to be completely caught off guard by people wanting to buy things at cheaper prices.

Aries:  You will be chosen as the new voice for the AFLAC duck.  You will then become king of all the ducks with your power of speech.  You will reign supreme over all the ducks, and you will also enjoy the luxury of no longer having to wear pants.

Leo:  You will finally have 2000 friends on Facebook.  You will celebrate this achievement by yourself in your cheap one room apartment.

Sagittarius:  Your wish of becoming a movie star comes true.  You will be second billed in the fifth Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants film.  This, of course, will end your career as a movie star just as it began.

Taurus:  Your love of Kool-Aid will be your downfall during the great Kool-Aid shortage of 2011.   Luckily this will lead you to find out the awesomeness of Hawaiian Punch.  However, your second downfall will come during the great Hawaiian Punch shortage of 2012.

Virgo:  Love is in the air.  Not only will you find the love of your life, but you will also be able to spend the rest of your life with them once they pass the law saying it’s ok to marry a goat.

Capricorn:  You will eat an oatmeal cookie.  And it will be mediocre.

Gemini:  You will become the only one who thinks Avatar was slightly overrated.  James Cameron will be slightly annoyed that he didn’t get more than 20 bucks out of you.

Libra:  You will become outraged that George Lucas has released the Star Wars movies once again, and this time in 3D.  You will curse this and cry out in outrage.  Then you will get in line each time to see them all once again.

Aquarius:  You will realize how embarrassing it is to not know how to swim and to be afraid of dying in some water.  You will then drown while taking swimming classes while Alanis Morissette’s “Isn’t It Ironic” plays over the loud speaker.

Cancer:  You will realize that no matter what anyone says, you will be a superhero.  You will then be turned into a mental hospital after running around public with your underwear on the outside of your clothes.

Scorpio:  Darkwing Duck will come to you and ask you to help him.  It seems he has forgotten how to be the hero he is.  You will teach him, and he will…get….dangerous.  You will also come to know how lazy the author of this horoscope is when you realize this is the second sign with some sort of famous duck in it.

Pisces:  Donald Duck will be cured of his speech impediment.  He will claim it was you who helped him.  Told you the author of this horoscope is lazy.

In today’s installment of what I know, everything I know about dolphins.

1.  Not only can dolphins swim, they can also do a mean Bill Cosby impression.

2.  Dolphins like to put “Slippery When Wet” stickers on other dolphins backs when they’re not looking.

3.  In 1992, a gang of dolphins robbed and beat an old woman nearly to death.  The case was thrown out, however, when for the crime the judge could not find a porpoise.

4.  Just like most humans, dolphins do not find Kathy Griffin funny.

5.  While being one of the most famous dolphins, Flipper was also an alcoholic.

6.  A sit com starring two dolphins and a baby titled “Two and a Half Fins” was cancelled when the producers discovered there was another sit com with a similar title.

7.  Most dolphins can get into any college of their choosing.

8.  Dolphins still kick themselves for not being there to save Leonardo DiCaprio when the Titanic sank.

These dolphins are actually planning the eventual invasion of the humans.  They got this from a Simpsons episode and thought it seemed like a pretty good idea.

In today’s installment of what I know, it’s everything I know about Justin Bieber.  Please do not fact check these.  For if you do, then you’ll discover how ignorant I am (editor’s note: the author is pretty ignorant).

1.  Justin Bieber was raised by a pack of badgers.  This is why his hair is so nice.

2.  Justin Bieber is actually 84 years old.

3.  Justin Bieber does not know who Abraham Lincoln was, but does believe that Usher should be on the face of the penny.

4.  Usher discovered Justin Bieber by accident when he typed in “pretty teenage singing girls” on Youtube.com. 

5.  Justin Bieber liked to wear a dress until he entered high school.

6.  Justin Bieber is wanted in Canada for tax evasion.

7.  Justin Bieber wears a wig and is actually completely bald.

8.  Justin Bieber once stepped on a weasel.

9.  Justin Bieber hangs out with black people.

10.  Justin Bieber really enjoys the Canadian Healthcare system.  This is why he has had all his numerous cosmetic surgeries in Quebec.

11.  Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber fell in love when they discovered they both really liked that Hannah Montana show.

12.  Justin Bieber lost a finger in a freak toaster oven accident. 

This ten-year old girl is actually Justin Bieber

More What I Know About Bears

>Bears refuse to believe that the first three episodes of Star Wars ever happened.

>Bears enjoy a mild climate.  This is purely due to the fact that with a milder climate, there are more humans to maul.

>A bear once came in 3rd in the Boston Marathon.

>Macaulay Culkin’s stunt double during the Home Alone movies was a bear.

>Bears can not only stand on their back feet, they can also shadow box.

>95% of bears are Scientologists.

This is the deadly Bi-Polar Bear.  One minute you think it’s all cute, then the next minute it’s biting your head off because you happened to think that American Idol has run it’s course.

These bears pretend to be all caring, but actually they’re federally wanted drug dealers.

This bear won the 1984 National Spelling Bee and also became The World Sewing Champion in 1992.

This famous bear was known for his stand up comedy which not only led him to have a long running sit-com in which he was married to an out of his league attractive woman, but also to many stints in rehab.

In a stunning showing of survival, this Polar Bear lived on top of a giant frozen mushroom for 44 days before realizing it could probably swim.

These bears were caught in the middle of a slow motion run and hug.  Or a bear hug if you will (for those keeping count, that is approximately the 4569th bear pun I have ever come up with).

This bear is considered one of the creepiest bears around, simply for the fact that it always wears pants but never wears a shirt.

This bear is wanted in fourteen states for vicious pic-nic basket robberies.

In a new series here on my blog, I will begin to tell you about things I know about.  By doing so I am sure to not only impress you with my vast knowledge, but prove to all those doubters that I am as smart as I pretend to be.

These are the things I know about bears.  Stephen Colbert has been right all along, these beasts are natures butchering machines.

1.  People in the middle ages at one time thought bears could fly.  These people were idiots.  Everyone knows that bears do not fly, they glide from tree to tree.

2.  Everyone assumes that Dr. James Naismith invented the game of basketball.  Actually it was invented by a polar bear named Jim.

3.  A bear not only is responsible for the Great Chicago Fire, it also successfully wrote a newspaper story that influenced the nation to blame a cow.

4.  Bears are very good typists.

5.  Bears are able to dunk at the age of 4.

6.  Bears are known to steal human infants and make them knit their socks for pennies a day.

7.  Can bears drive?  Oh yeah.  But they’re picky drivers.  You will never see a bear behind the wheel of a Kia.

8.  You know what’s so great about bears?  Nothing.  Nothing at all.

9.  Never agree to watch a movie with a bear.  They will only watch The Notebook.

10.  Bears are afraid of butter, but not afraid of margarine.

11.  BONUS BEAR FACT: Bears are big fans of Joshua Jackson.

12  DOUBLE BONUS BEAR FACT:  Bears like to listen to Barry Manilow while working out.

Are you a guy who’s out of luck when it comes to the ladies? Well please fear not! For I have teamed up with one of the best lady getters in Trevor. Together we have compiled a list of Dating Tips. Follow these to the letter. Trust us. We know what women want.

My tips will be in bold
Trevor’s will be in italics

1. Get a woman. This may be accomplished one of two ways. Way number 1:Being attractive. Way number 2: With a heavy club and a couple of pills slipped into her drink.

2. Don’t even talk about that one really awesome movie you like. She doesn’t care. Trust me.

3. Become interested in whatever she is interested in. Yes, you may have to like that ridiculous vampire movie. All of them.

4. NEVER look her in the eyes. The female species can smell fear. They can also smell nervousness, cheapness, and the occasional silent fart.

5. How do you smell fear or cheapness? Those are states of being, not odors…

6. Tell her you love her every day, unless she doesn’t like that. In that case, you’ve just blown your chances of ever being more than a friend. Way to go, genius…

7. Never tell a woman she looks good. She may ask if she does, but deep down in your bottomless, dark and lonely soul you know she doesn’t care what you think she looks like. In fact, if you touch her she’d probably be disgusted. She looks so disgusted…(author begins to sob uncontrollably)

8. Jeez man…she really hurt you didn’t she? I have a tissue…ok, yeah that’s fine you can cry on my shoulder. A good cry only proves you’re a real man. Any girl would be lucky to have you.

9. When you are out in public and she starts checking her phone every 5 seconds, that means she is way into you. To return the affection, start making phone calls to all your loud friends and be sure to make vulgar jokes about minorities.

10. It’s ok to be vulgar. Women love a bad boy.

11. If, on the first date, you receive a phone call, then for the love of God answer it. It could be an emergency for crying out loud!! Oh? What’s that? It’s just Trevor? Heyyyyyy Trevorrrrr!!! What’s up? Oh I’m just on a date. Yeah I know, she must be desperate. Halo Reach? Sure I can play some of that later…

12. Don’t dive out-of-the-way of a baseball to let your date get hit in the face. Unless you have a really pretty face and she doesn’t.

13. If you’re attacked by a monster, then throw her in it’s terrible, violent path. She will understand. And later you will both have something to laugh about.

14. Don’t ever tell your date how you let your last date get hit in the face with a baseball and mauled to death by a wild animal. That makes you sound like a cupcake.

15. Did someone say cupcakes?

16. Dang, I could really go for a cupcake right now…

17. Go on a date with a woman who will make you cupcakes.

18. If the date falls apart, can I come over for cupcakes?

19. If a girl doesn’t offer you cupcakes then you can certainly do better. Unless you’re horribly unnattractive, which in that case you probably made up the fact that there’s a girl willing to go out with you in the first place (author sobs uncontrollably for the second time)

20. A sense of humor is an aphrodisiac to women…or so I’ve been told….by my lonely, lonely self…(author asks for a minute and goes outside to sob)

21. Talking about being lonely and unattractive is a sure way to get a date. Women will assume your humility is enormous. Women love a man with a huge…humility.

22. What a woman really loves is a self-deprecating man. That’s why so many comedians are really happy in their lives…

23. The Women Species love small wooden squirrels. Make sure you give her one of those.

24. Lists. Everyone loves lists. That includes women.

25. You can tell a lot about a woman by the color of her clothes. Is she wearing red? Then she obviously loves fire trucks. Is she wearing black? Then Spiderman 3 was her favorite Spiderman movie out of the Spiderman trilogy.

26. Women love a man who is good at Boy Meets World trivia.

27. And finally, never forget to give a one arm hug at the end of a date. It shows you care, but not too much.

With these dating tips at your disposal, you are sure to have the ladies foaming at the mouth to be with you. There is no need to thank us, just give us money. We need money so we can get some women.

Recently I decided to write a few letters to some major companies.  Below are the actual letters that I actually did send via their websites. 

Dear Nestle,

I, for one, do enjoy you’re water that comes in a bottled form.  I like to sit on my front porch on a hot summer evening, just drinking Nestle Bottled Water and eating buckets of drumsticks.  However, lately I have noticed that the neck of your bottles have become increasingly smaller.  I now find it difficult to drink the water, and every time i try to my clothes become soaked with h2o.  I know it is due to the water bottle no longer having a neck.  Well, either that or because I don’t have any hands or fingers.  I still like your water Nestle, and will continue to drink your water, but I will hope for a longer neck in the future. 

Thank you for your time.  Please give my regards to your coffee.

P.s. I was kidding about the hands and fingers thing.  I mean, how else am i typing this email?  Come on!  THINK NESTLE!

Dear Hershey,
I really enjoy your products.  Your chocality goodness has really helped me with my soul crushing fights with depression.  I once ate one of your candy bars and for that forty-five minutes it took me to eat it (i eat slowly to avoid injury) I was happy.  Thank you for all that you have done for me in my life.  I wish I could cry tears of chocolate and send that to you, but alas, I can only cry tears of whatever liquid is in my body.  I could still send that to you, but that wouldn’t taste as good as chocolate tears and would also be creepy.  So thank you, Hershey.  Thank you.

Dear Healthy Choice,

I really enjoy your products.  Your sweet and sour chicken is especially delicious.  However, I have a problem with the color of your boxes that contain the food.  When I am walking to my car in the morning heading to work and holding my Healthy Choice meal that I’m going to enjoy that day for lunch, I trip and fall in the grass, dropping my Healthy Choice meal.  Now keep in mind that this does not happen every day, but I then spend hours hunting in the green grass for a green box.  To date, I have currently lost over 145 Healthy Choice meals, as well as had two swollen ankle injuries and now have 75% less pride.  I will continue to enjoy your products, but I hope to one day see a different box so that I may find them when I drop them in the grass. 

I really enjoy your product.  Thank you for making it. 

P.S. none of this has actually every happened to me, but I’m sure it could possibly.  I’m an idea man.

Dear Dole,
I really enjoy your bananas.  I eat them constantly.  I like to spend my mornings eating a bowl of Dole banana cereal.  However, it has become a growing concern with me how your bananas are shaped.  They could cause injuries.  What if a child tied two of your bananas together and used them as a nunchuk?  This is a growing problem in my town.  My town has become over run by gangs of children with Dole banana nunchucks.  I cannot go out at night until after 10, which is their bedtime.  I have been beaten a few times, and in fact have become more bruised than the nunchuk banana that was used to beat me.  I hope that you take this into account when making your bananas.  Perhaps you could make them in a circle shape and Nerf like?

Dear Panda Express,
I find your Panda Express Bear very scary and your food very good, which confuses me greatly.  I have went through months of counseling to help me with my problem, but alas, I am still confused.  I mean, how can i be scared of the Panda Express Bear yet love the food he provides?  I just thought you should know how dedicated I am to your food that I would try to conquer my fear.

Thank you Panda Express for your food, and perhaps you could make your panda bear have a smile?  or wear a funny hat?

Dear Hanes,
Your products have been providing me with comfort for years and I think you for that.  However, I am beyond saddened and hurt that Hanes has yet to make an edible boxer brief.  I cannot count you the times I have been stranded in my car in the middle of no where and starving with nothing to eat, thinking to myself if only i could eat my Hanes Boxer Briefs that I am currently wearing.  I know earlier when I said i couldn’t count you the times, I lied.  Since it has happened 52 times.  So please consider making this product in the future, you may just save a life.

Dear General Mills,
I enjoy your products greatly.  I must tell you how your product has helped me.  You see General Mills, your Cheerios have saved my life.  There I was, just minding my own business, when I tripped and fell while walking on a field.  They rushed me to the hospital, as i was unconscious and my blood pressure was up to 345 over 7.  They declared me clinically dead.  Then, one of the doctors quickly leaped into action, stuffing Cheerios down my face and making me crunch them.  My eyes opened just then, and I would have smiled and hugged my loved ones if I didn’t live alone with my 56 cats.  But thanks to your product I am now breathing this day.

P.S.  I can’t back this story up with any sort of “facts.” 

I will let you all know if I get any sort of response.