Are you a guy who’s out of luck when it comes to the ladies? Well please fear not! For I have teamed up with one of the best lady getters in Trevor. Together we have compiled a list of Dating Tips. Follow these to the letter. Trust us. We know what women want.
My tips will be in bold
Trevor’s will be in italics
1. Get a woman. This may be accomplished one of two ways. Way number 1:Being attractive. Way number 2: With a heavy club and a couple of pills slipped into her drink.
2. Don’t even talk about that one really awesome movie you like. She doesn’t care. Trust me.
3. Become interested in whatever she is interested in. Yes, you may have to like that ridiculous vampire movie. All of them.
4. NEVER look her in the eyes. The female species can smell fear. They can also smell nervousness, cheapness, and the occasional silent fart.
5. How do you smell fear or cheapness? Those are states of being, not odors…
6. Tell her you love her every day, unless she doesn’t like that. In that case, you’ve just blown your chances of ever being more than a friend. Way to go, genius…
7. Never tell a woman she looks good. She may ask if she does, but deep down in your bottomless, dark and lonely soul you know she doesn’t care what you think she looks like. In fact, if you touch her she’d probably be disgusted. She looks so disgusted…(author begins to sob uncontrollably)
8. Jeez man…she really hurt you didn’t she? I have a tissue…ok, yeah that’s fine you can cry on my shoulder. A good cry only proves you’re a real man. Any girl would be lucky to have you.
9. When you are out in public and she starts checking her phone every 5 seconds, that means she is way into you. To return the affection, start making phone calls to all your loud friends and be sure to make vulgar jokes about minorities.
10. It’s ok to be vulgar. Women love a bad boy.
11. If, on the first date, you receive a phone call, then for the love of God answer it. It could be an emergency for crying out loud!! Oh? What’s that? It’s just Trevor? Heyyyyyy Trevorrrrr!!! What’s up? Oh I’m just on a date. Yeah I know, she must be desperate. Halo Reach? Sure I can play some of that later…
12. Don’t dive out-of-the-way of a baseball to let your date get hit in the face. Unless you have a really pretty face and she doesn’t.
13. If you’re attacked by a monster, then throw her in it’s terrible, violent path. She will understand. And later you will both have something to laugh about.
14. Don’t ever tell your date how you let your last date get hit in the face with a baseball and mauled to death by a wild animal. That makes you sound like a cupcake.
15. Did someone say cupcakes?
16. Dang, I could really go for a cupcake right now…
17. Go on a date with a woman who will make you cupcakes.
18. If the date falls apart, can I come over for cupcakes?
19. If a girl doesn’t offer you cupcakes then you can certainly do better. Unless you’re horribly unnattractive, which in that case you probably made up the fact that there’s a girl willing to go out with you in the first place (author sobs uncontrollably for the second time)
20. A sense of humor is an aphrodisiac to women…or so I’ve been told….by my lonely, lonely self…(author asks for a minute and goes outside to sob)
21. Talking about being lonely and unattractive is a sure way to get a date. Women will assume your humility is enormous. Women love a man with a huge…humility.
22. What a woman really loves is a self-deprecating man. That’s why so many comedians are really happy in their lives…
23. The Women Species love small wooden squirrels. Make sure you give her one of those.
24. Lists. Everyone loves lists. That includes women.
25. You can tell a lot about a woman by the color of her clothes. Is she wearing red? Then she obviously loves fire trucks. Is she wearing black? Then Spiderman 3 was her favorite Spiderman movie out of the Spiderman trilogy.
26. Women love a man who is good at Boy Meets World trivia.
27. And finally, never forget to give a one arm hug at the end of a date. It shows you care, but not too much.
With these dating tips at your disposal, you are sure to have the ladies foaming at the mouth to be with you. There is no need to thank us, just give us money. We need money so we can get some women.