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As some of you may know, i get asked to act in a lot of plays or skits. while i do indeed enjoy acting, i have noticed a growing trend. it seems that i am forever to play the worst character in every play. is it a testament to how great of an actor i am? perhaps it’s due to the fact that people just think id make a great jerk. who knows.

first, ill go over the parts i have already played. this will show you what has led me to this conclusion.

Judas. yes, that judas. you know, the guy who kinda sort of betrayed Jesus, the son of God and our Savior. tho, i have to say, i do like playing the parts of those people who are internally conflicted, still. i was judas.

A guy who beats his kid. i dont remember his name, i just remember he was a king. and that he beat his kid. did the kid deserve it? most definately. does that make it right? no. but, for the record, i’d wouldn’t smack that kid. now if it was a kitten….(EDITORS NOTE: smacking kittens is not condoned by this website and is soley the opinion of one Johnny Townsend. if you wish to complain to him about his smacking of kittens, then you have no life and waste it by getting upset over small stupid jokes and should really look into getting a hobby).

A guy who takes away a young girls….um…innocence. this one has yet to be done and i still may try my best to get out of it. if something makes me uncomfortable, then you must know that its bad. lets just say that i meet this girl at a party and take her to the side and take away her barbie doll. and by barbie doll i mean virginity. yeah…..see. awkwarddddd. lets hope i can get out of this one. the story and the point of the skit is really good. i just think they should get someone closer to the girls age then me, who, by age number wise, is considered in some circles an adult (i said age wise not maturity wise).

so, with those roles and others i have left out, let me tell you the upcoming roles i have been offered. keep in mind this is just my idea of the direction the roles i get are heading, and not where they have gone.

1. hitler. let’s face it. apparently i’d make a good hitler. is it because of my ability to wear a fake mustache? or how i can bark and it almost sound german? or perhaps its my undying bitterness toward jews (i sure hope you know a joke when you see one). would i make a good hitler? yes, im a friggin talented actor. but should i be hitler? hmmm……this is something i must concentrate on. if only there was a camp where i could go that would help me learn to concentrate more…..

2. serial killer. why not. tho i would like to play one who only kills those whose death would make society a better place. people such as the members of nickelback (for ruining rock and destroying their potential), celine dion (obviously), paris hilton and the entire state of utah (only because some men there have many wives and i can’t even get one date; aka pure jealousy).

3. a guy who steps on puppies. this could be my most challenging role. i happen to like puppies. would i step on one? have i already? whats that under my shoe? …..

4. a guy who surfers from narcolepsy. it could be the most chal

5. the state of california. i can play a whole state full of whiny rich people who complain when they don’t get their way. think of the possibilities. and people will listen cause im in movies! they’ll eat out of the palm of my hands!!! ill even try my best to make the star of Total Recall the next president of the united states!!!

there you have it. those are just some of the roles that are probably in my future. maybe i can be the most best badguy role person ever! keep your fingers crossed and maybe ill get to be in the sequel to pearl harbor, as the guy who shot ben affleck! no wait, that would make me a hero…

the smiley face symbols. yes you know what im referring to. if you’ve ever received a text message or chatted on some sort of instant messenger, then you’ve came across them. but when is it ok to use them and what exactly do they mean? well, have no fear, Johnny is here to tell you just exactly that!!!!

Symbols and their meanings

🙂 –smiley face….means a)they are happy b)they are so high they don’t know where they are or what they just peed on

😦 — sad face….a)they’re, um, sad b)they just ate something that didn’t agree with them.

;)–winking face…a)you know what a wink is dont you? b)they have something in their eye c)they were in the middle of putting on make up when you interrupted, so they only have eye shadow on one eye

:D–big smile face (teeth showing)….a)creepy smile b)what odd 45 year old men use when talking to 14 year old girls before they are arrested

;;)–flirty eye blink face….a)what you use when you’re flirting b)a face ive never ever seen

>:D<–hug face….a)when you want to give someone a hug b)a safe way to give someone a hug who often smells (on a strange side not coincidence, i get tons of these)

=(( — broken heart face…..a)used when you have just broken up with someone b)used if you are emo

now that we’ve gone over some basic ones, im going to now tell you when its appropriate to use these. and to make it easier to tell, i have divided it into two groups, when its ok for girls to use them and when its ok for guys to use them.

ladies : they can use these any time they want. its completely acceptable. so girls, bring on those flapping flirty eyes!!!

guys: you can never ever use these under any circumstances. why? because its gay. its what girls do. so please don’t do it ok?

there you have it. these are rules to follow and to live by. they are to never be broken. they will always be correct. the day someone tells me that these rules are wrong is the day that a major professional athlete pleads guilty to dog fighting. oh wait……. :((

The following posts were written for a very small crowd, namely Johnny and Trevor, who know too much about certain kinds of music . This collaborative effort would not have been possible without the rapid downfall of a once noble style of music. This music, originating from talented (if raw) bands like Thursday has since taken a nose dive as teens filled with angst try their best to write “emotional” lyrics. This music has since been branded “emo” (for emotional) by record labels. Like most good things, it has also become a cesspool of quickly written and packaged music which somehow becomes very popular. The hallmark traits of modern “emo” are self-hatred, morbid topics, and (generally) every song mentions dying in some way for some reason that is definitely not worth dying over. Failed romance usually plays a role as well (in many cliched ways).

These mock songs we have written are not mocking serious issues such as teenage suicide or pain. There are many truly emotional songs out there which deal with real hurt. I’m not above shedding a tear when a song touches a genuine emotion in me. Unfortunately, songs like those you are about to read are made for one goal: get money out of teens and preteens who only shop at Hot Topic and wear skin-tight black clothing 24/7. If anything, this music gives teens an excuse to not work through life’s problems. Hating yourself and the world is becoming the new “cool.” If these lyrics seem ridiculous, I guarantee that they are actually less corny than many real “emo” songs. If nothing else, you’ve had a quick lesson in popular music!

the following songs were written by Johnny. At the end you will find a link to Trevor’s blog, where he too takes a dagger throw at emo. On a sad side note, i actually wrote five emo songs and had to pick the three “best” ones. enjoy.

These songs are all fake and were written in 10 minutes or less. after reading them, you will know that this is no lie.

The following lyrics are all from the sophomore album from the up and coming band “The UnLoved”. their sophomore release “Why Does The World Hate Who I Choose To Be” is the follow up to their first smash hit record “Your Love Is Like Hot Lave Poured On To My Open Eyes”.

My Ruptured Spine of Love

The spine of my spirit
Has been ripped from me
I turn around to look for you
But you arent there

Where are youuuuu
I need you
Without you I am naked
Where are you
I need you
Hold me

The blood drips from the dagger
Just as it drips from me
It forms a red puddle
Around a picture of you and me

You Are My Fungus

You used to be my date
Now you are my hate
You are the reason why I fail
You are my ingrown toe nail
And I will take that ingrown toe nail
And let it dig into my skin
Cause whats the point of living
Without your light within

You ripped a hole in me
I miss you kissing me

You’re like my little hang nail
Or like my bread that’s gone stale
You caused this fungus inside me
Not even my black make up can hide me
And as the ingrown toe nail falls out
Your memories become my gout
Ill have to rip my black hair out
Use my eyeliner to scrape my pupils out

How To Evade Sharp Objects

A pitchfork of love
Was pushed forth into my loins
It caught me of guard
As the hole sprung forth black coins

Ill never be whole again
I slide my long hair to the other side of my face
When I close my eyes I cant see
Your love like a high speed car chase

I cut my wrists with my eyeliner
Watching my veins disappear
Im a single cow in an open empty field
Accompanied by a lonely tear


Woe Is Me

Just try to penetrate the dark depths of my soul
Sunshine gave up a long time ago
The sun blocked by the dam built up
Built up inside my lungs
Choking me I can no longer breathe!
And its all because of her….

Her love brought me agony
Now im only filled with pain
I just wish I was dead
So I tried to die

The dyslexia I suffer
Makes me want to YRC YRC YRC!
My feelings like the mime
All pale, white and quiet
Im trapped inside this invisible box
With no chance to escape!!!!

The Hidden Message Of A Lonely Broken Heart

Baby I feel like
I feel like you downloaded me illegally
Baby I want to know if
If you would ever copywrite infringe me
Baby your love smells
Smells like you have stolen me
Baby your bright pink punk hair
Like the color of someone guilty

OHHH BABY love me please
OHHH baby caress my pale cheeks

Baby sometimes I
I wonder if you’d just buy me
Baby why cant you
Cant you just plop down 15 bucks
Baby you know
You know that im worth that much
Baby ill make you
In my top 8 on my myspace account

look for their new album in stores on a monday, since thats the dreariest day of the week.

to see what trevor has come up with in the world of emo, check out


Hello everyone. Starting today i have decided to not only post my blogs on myspace like before, but to also post them here. A warning before hand. Even though i do not curse, i do make really stupid jokes that may at times push the limit. so i must rate my own blogs pg-15. i hope you enjoy these if you are new. from time to time i will even publish an old classic blog from my earlier myspace ones. blogs that have gone down in history. so without further wait, join the tens of people who already know what the johnny blog sensation is all about…..

Guess what? I’m back! As soon as I stop writing blogs, everyone else and their dog fighting cousins started a blog. While these other blogs that i have seen surely have much better writers (i’ll even link you to one tonight), and they surely have much more talent then i, and they surely take daily showers, and wash themselves, and smell nice, and have the ability to pay attention……what was i talking about? oh yeah. the point. my point is that im back baby.

i know what you’re all asking. johnny, how will this be different from last time? well, it won’t. so in your face. if you don’t like it, then you can just leave. don’t let the door hit you and split the back of your skull open. i might actually try to share personal things as i go along in these new improved blogs. what kind of personal things you ask? well what about my toe “surgeries”? what about the time when i thought i had a girlfriend only to find out it was some homeless guy who just needed a place to crash? or how about how i sometimes feel like im a burden to all those i love and care about around me? wait, wait, that’s to real. sorry, sorry, that won’t ever happen again. cue depression…..wait a minute this will only take a second….ok over it. now on to the blog!

it occured to me from one of my best friends trevor that a movie based on the bratz dolls had been made. now, while it was sad that he knew this, it was also interesting that such a movie was even made. i have happened to see these dolls before. i had to buy one for my cousin one christmas…and what a bunch of whores those dolls are. according to experts, these dolls are suppose to represent diversity. which is true. there are white dolls (with baby stroller and wife beater accessories), asian dolls (with school girl outfit and working calculator), african american dolls (come with a free ticket to the maury povich show to find out who the baby’s daddy is) and latino dolls (comes with ricky martin poster and snapping fingers action). these dolls, however, all resemble big giant hoe bags.

while i have no children (that i know of), i think it’s safe to assume that i would want my daughter to grow up to be a great person who happens to dress like they’re worth more then 2 bucks and a pack of marlboro lights. we all sit back and we wonder why these girls are wanting to grow up so fast. just look at what they look up to. all of their “role models” are just immature tarts, from paris “i have no talent” hilton to lindsay “i heart drugs” lohen. and who’s fault is it? it’s ours. we let them watch those girls. we let them buy those bratz dolls. we allow a movie about bratz dolls to be made. we might as well make movies about the titanic disaster and the pearl harbor disaster and ruin them with a poorly put together love story that becomes the focus of the movies instead of the actual events. oh wait………..CURSE YOU HOLLYWOOD!!!!!

i blame those mostly on parents. there are some good parents out there. but while some care about what their children are doing, others allow their kids to be raised by television and bratz dolls. these parents blame everything else but whats to really blame. and whats to really blame is these bratz dolls. i actually took the liberty of recording an actual conversation between two teenage girls, known consumers of bratz dolls, and i shall let you read it. be warned, it will shock you….

girl 1: like, hello
girl 2: hiiiiiiii
1: like, i saw brandon at the mall and i was all LOL
2. For real? OMG!!!!
1. I KNOW OMG!!!
:::unintelligable screaming:::
2: OMG! OMG! he is so like hot. i would totally make him mine if you weren’t my BFF.
1: ROFL!!!!!!

see? i did not understand one word of that. i was SOL in that case. if we allow this terrible bratz doll trend to continue, then it will only breed a mass amount of teenage whores who’s life goals will be to marry a guy that doesn’t beat her. let’s stop this now, while we still can. plus those dolls are more creepy then hot. that is not the real world. ive been to high school. their not full of only hot girls and guys who all are in the same popular circle. and i especially restate the fact that it was not full of only hot girls. it’s really sad when half the girls there were in my league. some i was actually out of. and some didn’t even exist! wait, what’s this blog about again?

well, join me next time blog fans. what will i rant about next? gas prices? the war in iraq? why i think the the lucky charms leprechaun is really a crack dealer who sells “lucky charms”? you’ll just have to tune in to see…….

special note: one of my best friends started a blog, and, unlike myself, he’s insanely talented, i shall link you. don’t expect it to be full of stupidty. tho im sure it might sometimes since he’s been around me his whole life.

also, another friend of mine is also an insanely talented writer and as soon as i have permission, ill share her link too. they both write sort of personal stuff so dont go expecting my stupid stupidness, but go expecting actual writing ability and/ or talent. they both write in a way that will make you actually sit back and think and maybe even feel connected with them. you know, everything i don’t do. with that i leave you blog fans. good night, and good luck!

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