This is the first in a series of how to blogs. Collect the whole set.

So you went through your whole life but have nothing to show for it. All your hopes and dreams have been dashed away by father time. What to do….the answer is simple my friends. You have a child. With this child you will be able to live your dreams through them, which is exactly what they are for. By following my handy guide, you will be able to do this very thing!

Step 1: Start Early.

As soon as your son (let’s face it, if you have a daughter you might as well start over) is born, you have to instill in him your dominance over his life. You grab him from the womb and shake his face. Tell him you are his father and he will do as you say. Now, this may cause whining and crying. If it does, you call your son weak and shout at him till his crying stops. If not, a good ole slapping may just do the trick.

Step 2: Peewee Sports

As soon as they’re able to start real school, they can play in a sport. The acceptable sports they are allowed to play include football, basketball and baseball. Anything else and you might as well put a pink tutu on your son and try again. Now, when a child is playing a sport for the first time, you will encounter boring games. For example, I once witnessed a kid game at the Y where the final score was 3 to 2. That is all fine and dandy if it was baseball or hockey, but alas, it was basketball.

So what do you do during these? Simple, you work on your parenting skills. Here are a few acceptable things to yell out at your son’s peewee game.

“Either you score or you sleep outside again tonight!”

“you are the stupidest son I could have possibly conceived!”

“when I get you home, im going to show you everything you did wrong with my belt!”

“I can talk to my son anyway I want!”

“You can’t kick me out im in the PTA!!”

“Son, meet me after the game at the truck and bring a switch.”

Now that you have that down, it is also important to know that there is a chance you will be kicked out of games. But remember, nothing says I love you more then the number of games you get kicked out of.

IMPORTANT NOTE: if you start to go soft on your child, they will sense it. They can smell it. If you feel yourself starting to sway that way, just find a dark place and remember how much of a failure you are. Remember how all those people who told you that you weren’t going to amount to anything were right. Once the anger has found it’s rightful place inside you, then you are ready to continue.

Step 3: High School

You must make sure that your child knows how important it is to be popular. Without popularity, you are nothing. And if your child becomes popular, then through them you are too popular. It’s simple math.

Popular child + Parent of popular child = Popular Parent

Now, im no mathamatician (my SAT scores prove as much), but that seems like a simple open and shut case. Your child must become popular. If they do not, then you have failed yet again. You stupid loser. There are some simple steps you must force your child to take so they will become popular.

1. They must find the most popular person in school and punch them in the face. Just as it is in the animal kingdom, the top lion must be taken down in order for someone else to assume that position. If your child ends up losing that fight, then you can just tell them they’re adopted and send them off to find their real parents.

2. Make fun of those different and less fortunate then you. This step is key. All the popular kids do it. Some popular names to call those kids include…

Stupid doo doo head!

Sorry excuse for a person!

HA HA you’re black!

(that last one can be used for any minority)

3. Never let them join a club. Especially chess, science or math club. This will instantly destroy all your hard work.

4. They must play a sport. This is crucial. If they are not a jock, then what are they really? Even superman joined the football team (I got this from the historical documents entitled “smallville”)

Step 4: College

Ahh the college years. This is where your child goes off on his own. This is also where you make sure you remembers where he came from and that without you he is and has nothing. In college he will make new friends. Your job now is to make sure those friends are popular. You do not want your son to end up dropping out of college so he can pursue his dungeons and dragons career in your basement.

Step 5: The Real World

This is what decides if your work has paid off. I will now list occupations that are ones you are allowed to be proud of. If your child has become one of these, then congradulations, you are now living your dream through his.

1. Football player
2. Basketball player
3. Baseball player
4. Rich
5. Famous

Now is a list of things that he must not become. If he does, then you are a failure yet again.

1. Teacher
2. School counselor
3. Gay

There you have it. Easy steps on how to live your dream through your child. Remember to start them early. If you want them to be the basketball player you never were, then you make them dribble by age 5 months. If you want them to be the rock star you weren’t, then by golly they better be listening to some rock music as soon as their ears develop.

Lastly, I know one of the criticisms that will come my way is the fact that I have no children. And that women literally cringe in disgust if I attempt to hold their hand. This, however, does not mean I don’t know what I’m talking about. The fact is, I never know what im talking about. This is america, where my ignorance is allowed to run free!

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