You are currently browsing the monthly archive for February 2008.

this past week if you noticed, i did not do any daily doings of my day.  this is because i was in texas on a business trip and the hotel was going to charge me 4 bucks and hour to use the internet.  if you know me, then you know i’m cheap.  so, this is a supersized version that i trimmed down to just tell you a little of what went on and some of my amazingly amazing observations.


-this was my first airplane ride.  i was a bit uneasy about it, since i have a fear of heights (not the heights really, falling from them and smashing into the pavement below part).  and besides being overly crowded it wasn’t to terrible.  went on without a problem it seemed.

-my first time in texas.  when i left north carolina, i had on a hoodie due to the friggin artic blasts, but as soon as we got to texas i start to sweat so much i could bathe in the moisture (i paint amazingly beautiful pictures i know). 

-so we get a taxi.  now, i dunno how long some of you have been driving,  but it seems to me that when you want to get out of your car you should probably first put the car in park.  call me crazy.  our driver, however, did not share that same thought process.

-the room was pretty nice.  a bed that i could actually lay on.  most beds in hotels are so stiff you might as well be sleeping on a basketball court.  i’m looking at you myrtle beach!  russ doesnt have cable, so he was fascinated by espn.  this made me feel slightly better about him having to tie my tie (more on this later). 

-we are one of the first ones there to set up.  all goes well.  our setup looks mighty beautiful, as if an artist was painting the scene before us.  it was as if we had just won world war II.  the feeling had to be the same.

-we were bored the rest of the day with nothing to do.  little did i know i’d be working so much soon to make up for that.


-hello 6:15 am, how are you?  me?  well, i’m tired and i hate you.

-as some of you know, i was forced to put on a suit.  how did i look?  well, i’m very modest so ill just say i looked breath takingly goofy.  which, as you might have guessed, is the best i have looked in quite some time. 

-i can never get a tie right.  i had thought i had learned it, but no.  this proves to me that i am half polish (EDITORS NOTE: the views and comments on this page are solely those of one Johnny Townsend.  he does not actually know any polish people that he knows of and so makes fun of things unfamiliar to him.  this goes for his comments on jews, arabs, chinese, african americans, and spinach).

-the convention.  we are next to some cool people from UPS who, in a bit of irony, were waiting on their packages to get there so they could finish setting up. in the next stanza, i shall give a brief overview of the people there.


most of the people we met were incredibly nice.  they were from all over.  from the UPS peeps next to us to the other guys we met and hung out with, such as Dr. G.  I am allowed to call Dr. Gary  Doctor G since he now knows me and gave me that privelidge.  unless you ask him.  then he will probably forget who i am and what i’m talking about. 


so many to list.  one guy i saw looked sort of like one of the guys from Friends.  another guy i thought closely resembled stephen king.  one time i thought i saw tim duncan, but it was just a tree.  it can be understood why i thought that since a tree, like tim duncan, is tall and wooden. 


-another day, another 6 am wake up.  another time of cursing earlyness.

-we seem to be doing well with promoting our business.  i believe this is due to the teamwork of me and russell.  he answers all their questions, tells them all the details, sounds insanely smart and educated, and comes off as an expert in the field.  i make lame jokes and look completely stupid.  i am, however, able to give them free pens, so i am not completely useless.

-we actually got a few people who already use us tell us how pleased they are with us.  this actually brought more people over to us.  so thanks bob! 

DAY FOUR (note: i cant remember what happened when, so im finishing it all up here)

-segue ways are awesome.  if you have a chance to take a tour on one, do so.  this is how i saw the alamo.  oddly tho, while enjoying myself, i was still “working” by talking to the other peeps on the ride.  how majestic we all looked upon our segueways, following each other in a straight line wearing helmets.  if this doesn’t make me look attractive, then all hope is lost. 

-the alamo.  this was the one thing i wanted to make sure i saw while in san antonio.  while its pretty much just a couple walls and the main church left, it was still something incredible to behold.  that is where 200 or less men held off an entire mexican army.  it is were davey crockett breathed his last breath.  highly amazing.

-stayed till about 1030 pm joking around with the other guys there.  wierdly enough, i finally became handy and russ realized why he had brought me.  it was for my ability to talk about stupid things that would seem to have no use.  i did not dream that my knowledge of monty python and dumb and dumber and the office would be a saving grace.  God works in mysterious ways.


-time to leave.  russ wanted to get something for his wife before leaving, and this took us aproximately 47 days. 

-the airplane ride back was decent again.  tho when touching down in charlotte, the guy seemed to slam on the breaks.  it was great fun.  also, on the plane ride from san antonio to dallas, i asked for a sprite.  instead of the can, they pretty much gave me what was the equivelant of one shot of sprite. 

-in charlotte at last.  what a long week.  perhaps if it happens again i will be more useful.  we shall see.  thats all for now peeps.  hope everyone had a great week and survived without any daily johnnyism doses.

today on the blog….

–church went like the usual.  it has now been a week of doing these daily things i believe, and i have already grown tired of them.  just as im sure you have.

–carolina won.  that is important.

–i spent an hour trying to figure out how to tie a tie.  i almost got it.  i hope russell enjoys teaching a 25 year old how to do something that he should of known 10 years ago.

–i will be gone till friday.  i dont know if ill be able to update everyday from there, but i will try.  we’ll see if san antonio can handle this.  i dont think they can. 

–i am going to texas without a hat, but i am hoping to fit in none the less.

–the oscars are on…..if it weren’t for jon stewart and the five seconds of steve carrel, they’d be pointless. 

so that’s what happened today in a nutshell.  it’s getting late and i have to be up super early or i’d add more.  hardy har har.  keep checking for updates from texas! 

’tis saturday, which means no work.  so what did i do today?  lets take a look…

–was able to sleep soundly till i woke up, which happened to be at 830 am.  this would normally be good, but considering i didnt fall asleep till 3 am… 

–got to play some hoops today.  i played a ton better then last time.  how bad was last time?  i played at the same exact level that a paraplegic monkey with no use of its arms would of played at. 

–then it was time to get the ole hair trimmed for next weeks big trip.  people think i’m getting a sort of vacation, but the truth is ill be working the whole time.  maybe even more so then if i wasnt going.  i will see more of the hotel then i will of texas.  joy to the world. 

–i realized how much nerd was still in me when anthony talked to me literally two hours about x-men.  and i wonder why girls dont find me appealing. 

–in five years, we will all be controlled my microchips.  in related news, im rich and chased by women. 

      –sorry sonya, had to. 

–i actually dont have to sing for worship team tomorrow, and im thrilled.  its a pain to have to get up early on another day of the week when i already have to for monday through friday.  perhaps im lazy.  perhaps…

–im thirsty.  do not worry for i will remedy this problem. its now been almost two months caffeine free.  will i be able to take the next step and let go of pop?  is it sad that ive been around sonya and russ’s family that i now call pepsi pop?  yes, yes it is. 

thats all for tonight.   good night cleveland. 

p.s. amy has hit me in the head with a shovel before, and is threatening to do the same again.  so if anything happens to me, we know who did it.

what a day today was.  lets get this show on the road!

–when i woke up, i saw nothing but a winter wonder land.  oh wait, i saw nothing. 

–i had to go pick up the suit today.  i had to try it on again today while a 70 year old woman and two seemingly gay foreign men waited for me.  as in, i could see them as i was changing over the door.  talk about awkward.  russell suggested i flirt with them.  i thought about it but decided against it. 

–there is a place on the bottom of my foot that itches like crazy.  that has been your health report.

–playing basketball is one of the few times when i feel trully happy. 

–in someone elses blog, it was said that the male species take advantage of women and their emotions.  i, however, said that women are just as guilty of that as the men.  perhaps this is because thats all i have ever had happen to me, or perhaps i just dont ever end up with the good women.  or perhaps the good women have standards of which i can only hope to meet. 

–i have been told that it seems i do not wish to move out of my current environment.  this however is untrue.  mark my words blog fans, if i am still here when im 30, then i will force myself out onto the streets, eating out of used chef boyarde cans until i die.  it will be a lonely life, but i should have an awesome beard. 

thats all for tonight peeps.  over and out!!

another day, another dollar.  at least that’s what the saying says.  lets hit up what i did today!

morning:  i woke up at a decent time, after actually getting the sleep i felt i needed.  i really need to sleep as much as i can so ill be ready for next week. 

i got to work exactly on time.  when i arrived angels greeted me with their glorious horn blowing.  and as i walked past the trash bin, i felt the light shine upon me in approvement. 

for some reason i feel decent today.  mandy however did not.  she’s doing detox, which she believes is what caused her to get sick today.  she then said that i should try it.  draw your own conclusions.

Lunch : i felt i needed something different.  fast food gets old..well…fast.  A HAH! taco bell.  and yes, it was delicious.  the funny part of this story is the three mexicans who walked into taco bell, and only one of them could order since he spoke english.  and this is at a place full of spanish names.  i would of laughed at them, but since they were mexican, i am 100 percent sure they would of stabbed me. 

Afternoon:  the calls today weren’t bad actually.  everyone i talked to was pleasant, which really helps my day when i have to talk to patients.  my conscience yells at me enough so i do not need senior citizens joining the fray.

will the weather get nasty?  i don’t think it will.  while it has gotten cold, i just dunno about bad weather. 

that was my day.  here are a few bonus things:

-everyone wants to see me in a suit.  why?  just because you pretty up the wrapping, it doesnt make the present any better.  wait, did that make sense? 

-baseball is boring.  it’s true.  get over it.

-the bottom of my foot itches.  it’s ok, i took care of it. 

-i can’t believe it’s not butter.

– im going to a basketball game tonight.  Anthony has shown improvement in every game i’ve seen.  i’d like to think it’s because of all the help i gave him, but i know that’s not true since he actually plays defense.

-i must find a way to record next weeks episode of Lost.  if i do not see it, it is quite possible that my life as it stands will end.  i do not wish to be dramatic, but i could cut myself if i miss it. 

thats all for today.   i really do spoil you guys.  over and out!

even though my day wasn’t that great, i shall still provide yall with a few highlights. 

 all this happened today

–the quietest walk ever.  sometimes i let my stupidity get the best of me.

–the nicest person i talked to today was a lawyer.  the world is trully topsy turvey.  i have found more reasons why i detest the phone.

–i fell asleep last night and slept nicely.  that is until somewhere around 330ish.  that is when my body said “hey johnny, i know what we should do.   instead of gettin the sleep you so desperately need, how about we wake up and lay in bed for at least an hour?” 

–tyler hansbrough is incredible.  some people think he won’t play well in the pros.  i say he’ll make a NBA team that’s already good even better.  with that being said, i would like to offer my services to the Miami Heat.  hey, if you can go 9-42 without me, then you can’t really do any worse with me.  plus i have quite a nice ability to hit shots.  i will now wait by my phone for a phone call mr. wade, or is it pookie now?

–next week is dawning on me now.  so many questions…will i do well?  will i mess up?  will i let down those who employ me (who i also count as close personal friends so that makes the situation fill with even more pressure) ?  will i forget to put pants on thus show up at the exquisite conference show with a really nice shirt and some really nice boxers?  will i be able to survive missing an episode of lost (the magic 8 ball says “outlook not good”)?

–my forehead still looks almost cave man like.  it’s true.  look at my forehead closely next time you see me.  ask me if you can feel my forehead so you can feel that protruding bone. 

well thats all for now.  im now going to kick back and watch Shaq and Nash take on Kobe and Pau.  my day may have been crappy, but basketball wise it’s been just dandy.  over and out!

what a long day this turned out to be.  but lets hit it!

6:00 am –another morning time to wake up.  i believe that waking up this early is a way for me to be punished for my sins. 

8:00 am– work.  today at work i was told about all the phone calls im going to have to make.  this in turn completely destroyed my spirit and or soul.  i am quite certain that every time i speak to an old person, a little piece of me inside shrivel up and die. 

11:00 am ish– the journey begins.  since i am going with Russell to San Antonio next week for a conference, we have to dress pretty snazzy.  since me and dressing snazzy have never happened except on two occasions (prom and senior project) this meant looking for clothes. 

finding Russell clothes was not the problem.  me, however, with my much larger, um..everything, would be a problem.  thus began our fun times in shopping.  here is a rundown..

shirts: not that difficult to find.

suit: moderately difficult to find

shoes: got really lucky

socks: above moderately difficult

belt : it was easier to take the one ring back to mordor. 

6:00 pm — arrive back at the office.  i noticed i have a lot of work tomorrow.  i could possibly have cried, except i’m a man and don’t do that sort of thing.  in public anyways. 

7:00 pm — finally get home.  second long day in a row.  these are coming more and more often.  here are the questions to ponder for tomorrow..

will i survive?

will i actually behave somewhat mature like thus allowing other people to have a decent day?

will i completely give up soft drinks?

tune in tomorrow to find out!!!

SPECIAL NOTE:  UNC is ranked above Duke.  all is as it should be. 

welcome to another day.  

DATE : 2/18/08

MOOD: ehhhhh

SONG: Sufjan Stevens – Seven Swans

8:00 pm (2/17/08) – the nba all star game.  what are my thoughts on it?  hmm..

–lebron james is quite good

–chris paul is also good

–there were no white people playing in the all star games.  unless you count dirk nowitski, tho he’s technically german.  and steve nash, but he’s canandian and do they really count? 

there was my expert analysis.  give me a job espn. 

12:00 midnight –  i am now in bed forcing myself to sleep.  curse you night owlness!

6:00 AM — this is when i start to wake up.  if i ever have kids this will be how i punish them.  am i saying my boss, who’s name i will not say, tho it does rhyme with brussell, is a slave driver?  hmmm… perhaps.  while i don’t pick cotton, i am forced to key in things into the computer all day while drussell stands behind me, hitting me on my back with a wooden spoon while laughing evil like. 

8:00 am — i get to work.  i will not tell you of some of the more interesting things that happened today.

..i found out that i remember less about mandy then she remembers about me.  at least i think thats what was said i really wasn’t paying that close of attention. 

…lawyers sound really mean.

..old people hate paying money they owe. 

 ..Kansas is a state.  not to be confused with Arkansas.

….if the south had won the civil war, then the united states would all be like alabama, and is that what we want? 

5:00 –i get off work.  i now have an hour and a half to kill before heading to church for an amazingly fun meeting.  i spend this time checking out stores.  i also bought two great dvd’s that really show my maturity.  those would include Homeward Bound an Incredible Journey and Disney’s the Hunchback of Notre Dame.  yes, i am 25 years old.

6:30 –meeting at church.  very hush hush.  some things i cannot say.  you are just not allowed to know this insider information.  such as the pants i was wearing were really red.  crap i probably shouldn’t of said that out loud.

8:00–finally make it home.  what a long day.  i don’t even really have time to watch one of the movies i had just purchased.  here are some of my observations of the day…

-i like star trek more then i would like to admit.  perhaps im coming to terms to my inner nerdness.

-women dislike themselves due to how society says that they should be.  i blame public education, the root of all evil.

-im not saying roger clemons is a liar, but i will say that he has a hard time trying to convince us what he wants us to believe is true.  when you talk and you make president bush sound like he paid attention in college, then perhaps you should use a script. 

-the deer will end up causing almost 2000 dollars worth of damage to my moms car.  and before you ask, yes the deer is dead.  and i for one am glad!  run at me will you….

thats all for today folks.  you’re gettin this for free, so if you complain, then i will send deer after you.  they are attracted to me after all.  over and out. 

in an effort to pay more attention to this blog as compared to my other one, i have decided to start posting what i will call a “daily update”.  this will consist of being awfully journal like, so my apologies before hand.  and i did say journal.  i didn’t say diary.  that would be girly.  and i havent had a diary since last year.  these updates will be posted almost every day, unless i feel like not writing them.  so, if you have ever wondered how johnny townsend spends his days, this is the moment you have been waiting for….


7:30 AM – i had to get up early today.  on a sunday.  this should be outlawed.  the reason for getting up early was so that i could make it to church and practice with the worship team.  what should be noted is that while i have seen 730 AM before, it still feels like it doesn’t exist, and shouldn’t. 

 8:30 AM – i arrived at church on time, which for those who know me, is proof that miracles still in fact exist.  one of the songs picked out for worship team was “as the deer panteth for the water”.  this is ironic since i had just last night hit a deer with my mom’s new car.  i have now found a new sense of hatred toward deer, and for the first time ever feel no sympathy for Bambi. 

practice went as usual.  why they ask me to sing is beyond me.  perhaps they don’t actually listen.  i believe it’s called “pitty”, which is actually what has gotten me through my entire life. 

 9:45 – church starts.  usual service.  since i sat next to trevor, the dumb jokes last the entire service.  mainly about how at the upcoming church work day they will probably have us literally digging our own graves. 

11:00 – sunday school class.  since this is the third sunday of the month, i did not have to teach the youth class.  instead i went into the men’s class, which is about the struggles of men.  the next question you should ask is “have you ever felt as awkward before?” the answer would be “yes, at the men’s retreat where these same questions were raised.”  want a preview?


“She was blessed.”

“how old were you when you saw your first pair?”

see the fun?  endless awkward conversations.  mainly involved the older guys telling the single young guys (which consisted of two of us) about life.  its a great feeling to be singled out.  its good to have something that really tells you how much you don’t fit in.  cue depression…

1:00 pm – lunch at a mexican place.  el passo i believe.  actually quite good if you like mexican food.  it was good to have lunch with friends.  need to do that more often.  i also discovered that i make racial jokes without trying, and that some of my jokes might possibly go too far.  maybe.  i did also too discover that amy goes there so much, the mexicans that work there make small talk with her.  she also knows how to speak fluent mexican off of the menu.

3:30 – i have to call the insurance for my mom to report the “accident.”  here is a part of the transcript….

ME: is this who i talk to if i hit a deer?

WOMAN:  Yes.

ME:  well i hit a deer.

see how intelligent that starts out?  it gets even more so.

WOMAN:  so tell me what happened.

ME:  the deer hit me, i believe it was suicidal.  Is there a way i can sue the deer?

that was perhaps the best phone call ive had with an insurance. 

5:00 – watched the end of the daytona 500.  i thought that maybe they would try to go right for a change, but alas, they did not. 

6:00 – played the next game in my season on NBA 2K8.  finished the entire game.  my guy had a double double.  i say this to tell you that the game decided to die just before i could save it.  my life is now over. 

7:00 – i get on this thing and start to type this.  this typing is live.  real time even.  i am getting ready to watch the NBA all star game, and you should be too. 

that is all i can give you, since it is now up to the time i put last.  i hope you enjoyed getting to know what johnny does on days.  if you didn’t, then why did you read you big stupif? 

Since on my other blog site I posted some great sometimes lesser known facts about Abraham Lincoln, I figured on this one I would post some great lesser known facts about…well…me. I know, exciting huh?

–when I was born I was 9 foot tall and weighed 4 metric tons. My mom cried im sure.

–I think the new knight rider will be sweet. that’s right, I said it! The mustang rocks.

–I believe hillary Clinton has no soul. One time I tried to look into her eyes, and my left heart ventricle froze right then and there.

–Obama rhymes with Llama. Wild huh!??

–this blog actually is just a bunch of random facts I made up. And half of them don’t even involve me.

–if you hold a kitten upside down and drop it from a 17 story building, it splats on the pavement. I do not recommend you trying this, just take my word for it.

–John McCain is actually 3 million years old.

–Al Gore has invented everything. Not only did he invent the internet, he also invented water and Dial Soap.

–Korean children have an extra heightened sense of smell.

–Nicholas Cage has exactly 3 facial expressions.

–nickel back made a deal with satan, which is the only thing that could explain their rise in popularity since I refuse to believe that people would voluntarily listen to it.

–if I had a superhero power, it would be the ability to keep cell phone batteries fully charged just by touching them.

–this part here is a quick test:

If you were on a road trip and had to fart but there was a lady present, how many states could you force yourself to hold it back for?

1 state : you are a jerk. How could you do such a thing.

2 states: you have the potential to be a gentleman.

3 states: you are a gentleman and a scholar.

4 states: you are dead.

–I once rolled my ankle by tripping over my dog.

–I am currently wearing Spiderman pajama’s. this is due to my Pink Floyd pajama’s being in the wash. I feel like an adult.

There you go, just some incredible facts to go by. Until next time peeps, keep it real and remember, holding your gas in for more then four states can kill you. Peace out!