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We were all standing around after playing almost two hours of basketball. This is the time when we talk. We bring up all different topics until eventually the topic of politics comes up. Then the ultimate question…who will you vote for?

I dread this question. Why? Cause it’s a no win situation. It’s definitely a no win situation when the people you are in discussion with are people who you actually care how they see you. If I answer one way will I disappoint Russ? If I answer another way will Trevor look down upon me like I should be cleaning seal poo at the zoo? Below I will list each option and the probable outcome of each.

1. I will vote for Hillary Clinton.

While I would never say this since I have morals, what if I were to? Clinton and Obama have been tearing each other new bung holes in the past recent weeks, which in turn has really took a bite out of their support. In this part of North Carolina, the Clinton name is not all that popular. It would be like someone saying that they’re gay and getting married to their long time college roommate. Voting for Hillary down here would be the equivalent of you saying that you are now Jewish. Frowned upon here in the Bible Belt.

If I say I will vote for her..

I will be flogged. There is a possibility that I will be hunted by a lynch mob and then hung, becoming the first Caucasian here in these parts to have that done upon them. I would also hate myself for I can’t stand her.

If I say I won’t vote for her..

Will I not vote for her simply because she’s a woman? No. It’s simply because she comes off as so fake and manufactured. When someone points out she doesn’t really show emotion, what does she do the very next time? She laughs creepily. She cries. She yells. She claims to have single handily dodged bullets. But that doesn’t change the fact that just because I’m a man and say I won’t vote for Hillary then I am automatically a sexist.  That makes perfect sense doesn’t it?  A very rational conclussion.

2. I will vote for Barack Obama.

At one point in time I had considered this possibility. There is no denying that he has the ability to speak. This may sound simple, but having that ability goes a long way when it comes to politics. You can fool many people if you just have that ability. Even if you dislike the man, you have to admit that. The media too has obviously chosen him already.

If I say I will vote for him…

Then I will be questioned. What am I doing? I live in this part of north carolina I can’t vote for him! Why is that? Cause he’s black? No no. much worse. He’s a democrat. In western north carolina, voting democrat is simply not allowed. If you do vote democrat, then you’re obviously some form of hippie or gay rights activist. Or you’re from Asheville. Whichever. If I vote for him then I am crazy. Did I not hear what all that one guy from his church said? How can I vote for him when that guy is in his camp? Does it matter that this crazy guy isn’t actually Obama? No of course not. It’s all about the company you keep.

If I say I won’t vote for him…

Then I am a racist. When did everything become so black and white? Why is it if I do something or don’t do something then it’s automatically assumed that I am things? I’m a white man living in the south so if I don’t vote for the partially black guy then I am racist. Well you know what? I think Obama is a racist since he didn’t vote for me. There I said it.

3. I will vote for McCain.

I will be honest here. I have liked McCain since he was on The Daily Show and showed that he has a sense of humor. I don’t know if you all know this, but having a sense of humor is incredibly important to me. Is that something I should base a decision on? Probably not. But to each their own I say! If someone is going to push this country even more down the hole then it had better be someone who can make a joke about it (exactly why I should be put in office).

If I say I will vote for him…

Then what am I thinking? He is pretty much a democrat under the republican name! he was in Vietnam you know. He was captured you know. Well if he picks Hucklebee as a running mate then that will be good. Maybe it’ll be ok to vote for him then. It still astounds me that you have to be either this or that. Why can’t you take some from both? Why can’t I agree on some things the republicans say and some things the democrats say? I’m sorry but if I say I’m a republican and then are forced to agree with everything the republicans say solely because I say I’m a republican then forget it. Same with saying I’m a democrat.

If I say I won’t vote for him…

What are you doing Johnny? He’s the only republican you MUST vote for him! Besides he could die in office he’s like in his mid 100s. You know if you don’t vote republican then you’re mom will hate you.

4. I won’t vote.

I have said this many times. The reason being if I don’t vote then I’m not to blame when someone in office screws up. Or because no one is worth putting my vote for. As an american, voting is a right we have. A RIGHT. People say it is a privilege. This is true. It is. We are very lucky that in this country we have a say in who runs it. But if I say I’m not going to vote? Oh wow talk about angering people. Here are some things I have heard from different people when I say this..

“You can’t say anything then with whoever is in office since you didn’t vote.”

“it is your right so you HAVE to vote.”

“you’re not voting? What are you a commie?”

When something is your right, that means that you have the right to either do it or not do it. If you choose not to do it, then that’s your right. When something is your right, that DOES NOT mean that you MUST do it. It is your RIGHT. I have the RIGHT to say I’m not going to vote. People died to give me that right. They gave me that freedom. How is it freedom if I have to do something? You know why I don’t have to do something? Cause I live in America.

So what does all this mean? Will I vote this year? If I do who will I vote for? I haven’t come up with answers to any of those questions. I am still thinking about those things myself. It’s just hard when it’s something that people are really passionate about. It’s hard to say your thoughts and opinions on those subjects when the people around you are people you care if they like you or not. So if you see me around and decide to engage me in a political discussion, be prepared for a plethora of jokes. Why? Cause if I consider you a friend then I’m not going to say one way or another.

And here is the moment of truth. The moment everyone has been waiting for. Just who will I be voting for? Look below to see!

johnny1.jpg

 thats right i’m voting for me.  Just like you should. 

until next time peeps….

Hello ladies and gentleman. I, Johnny, would like to take this moment to officially throw in my name for president. That’s right. I want to run for the President of the United States. Why should you vote for me? What can I do for you? I’m glad you asked. I’m going to tell you in these next blog installments!

I, Johnny, promise to you all that when I become president, there will be free drinks in every drink machine! That’s sodas for everyone!!!

I, Johnny, promise you that if you elect me president, then women will no longer feel pain in child birth! That’s right. I promise you that if you have a child ladies, you won’t feel a thing. And this is without drugs. WITHOUT any kind of drug.

If you elect me president, I promise you that I will make it so that everyone is able to get a gun AND that bullets will no longer kill people. You will be able to shoot all you want. Also, knives will tickle.

I also promise that if you elect me president I shall raise minimum wage to 27.55 an hour.

If you, the beautiful people of the United States of America choose to elect me president, I promise to you all that I will make everyone immortal. That’s right. I will make it so that no one dies.

Also, elect me president and I promise you that I will make sure that Wendys, Mcdonalds, Burger King and Taco Bell will all expand their value menus.

That’s all I am going to tell you for now. Before I leave you, take a look at this chart below. It will tell you how happy the country is now and how happy the country will be after I am president.

 bar-graph-for-president-happyness-level.jpg

This is yet another delicate topic. First question of course being why does it still exist? What is the point of hating someone just because they look different? I am about to lay out the facts right here and now.

1. White people are why African americans are here. Get over it white people.

2. Tons of white people died to give slaves freedom during the civil war. Remember that black people when you say you hate all the white man.

3. African americans were slaves for hundreds of years. That makes us about even I would say. So let’s get over this stupidity for crying out loud.

4. Christians, let’s please quit being the biggest bunch of jerks out there. We come off as the most hateful group of all. Someone is gay so we hate them? Someone isn’t christian so we hate them? Someone watches cartoons even though he’s 25 years old so we hate him? I mean them… oh yes, this is what Jesus taught indeed…

5. So someone is different from you. So what if they’re black? So what if they’re asian? Who cares? All that matters is if they’re a cool person or not. How can this world be full of so many incredibly stupid people? This is the year 2008. Why does racism still exist? Why does everyone want to revert back to Alabama? It is beyond my comprehension. So someone is “of color” so you don’t want your children near them? Get over yourself. If it weren’t for the Asians I sat next to in high school I wouldn’t of gotten half of those grades.

Why does racism exist? What is it’s point? Why are people still racist? They claim they’re not yet they won’t allow themselves or their children or grand children near people of other races? How completely stupid do you have to be? It’s like being in a country full of KKK members. Racism is nothing but cowardly people. You are cowards because you fear something you know nothing about. Just like how I’m a coward when it comes to crunk rap and country music. We are all a little racist. Everyone of us. But some of us take it to the extreme. Some of us take it to the point of hatred. Go pick your own friggin cotton you lazy bum.

Why do some people still believe it’s 1954? Get your heads out of your hind quarters people. You are denying yourself getting to know some pretty awesome people due to your own stupidity and blindness. I have even heard a few people say they won’t vote for Clinton because she is a woman. They won’t vote for Obama because he is black. How stupid? You shouldn’t vote for Clinton because she sustains herself on baby seals blood. You shouldn’t vote for Obama because you don’t agree with what he’s saying, not because of the color of his skin. Sometimes this racism crap makes me secretly hope that he becomes president so that everyone has to deal with it.

Guess what people. You can say that you have black friends. You can say that you have Mexican friends. But if sentence you say after that says that you wouldn’t let anyone of another color into your home, then guess what? You’re racist. How can you call someone a friend if you don’t want them in your home? You might as well get out your white ghost outfit and go burn a cross. And who in the world made you so friggin perfect? How on this God created earth can you say that you are better then someone else based PURELY on skin color? Oh look at you! You are perfect! You don’t get pimples and watch nothing but CNN and educational programming. Get over yourself.

Now that I have said all this, I have decided to help us all out. In order to get over being racist, you have to face what you do not understand. So here goes. And pay attention you Nazis.

 this is what a black person looks like

bill-clinton-picture.jpg

Oh wait, sorry. Got confused. Forget that one. Here is a picture of a real black person.

obamabarack.jpg

*EDITORS NOTE: this is funny because he’s not completely black.  his mom was white.  get it?  oh the hilarity.

Guess what people? Race doesn’t always imply truth. The best golfer in the world isn’t white. One of the best rappers in the world (if you call rap an art) is white. A person’s color does not define who they are and what they will do. Their character will.

How about we all get over that? How about we all accept the fact that it’s no longer the time of the cold war? Let’s all start to see a person for what they are and not for what color or race they happen to be. Or let’s just give them casinos. That’s how we kept the american Indians quiet. OHHHHHHH SNAPS! Yeah I went there. Stay tuned for the next blog!

Today’s topic is on bathroom manners. In today’s age, you would think this would not warrant having an entire blog dedicated to it. However I and other people know differently.

First off, wash your hands. How is this not just known? The bathroom, especially a public one, can be the source of so much disease and germs. You think that is nothing? A HAH! Show’s what you know. In figure 1.1, you will see the image of a disease at 200X zoom.

FIGURE 1.1

hillary-clinton-howard-u-400a062907.jpgDo you want that on your hands? I think not. Please wash your hands so that doesn’t happen to you.

Secondly, if you have that rumbling in your stomach and you just have to “make a deposit at the bank”, then please do everyone a favor and spray something that smells good into the air. Turn the fan on. Do something. A little over a year ago, a young man in Baltimore walked in right after someone had just left presents and instantly fell over dead. See figure 1.2 to see what could happen to you.

FIGURE 1.2

mummy.jpg

That could be you if you walk in right after someone has stunk the place up.  I’ve seen it a million times.

Thirdly, yeah I said thirdly, we do not need a play by play of what you’re doing in there. Too many times I have walked into a bathroom just to hear someone tell me exactly what they are doing. Now I understand that sometimes talking to yourself helps relax you for those really big jobs, but please be considerate of those around you.

In figure 1.3, this graph shows what people say they do in bathrooms.

FIGURE 1.3

bathroom-pie-chart.jpg

I hope this has opened eyes. For everyone’s safety, let us all practice having good bathroom manners.

Today on the blog, i decided it would be a good time for you all to get to know me.  so, without further ado, adu, adoo, here are some fascinating facts about me!

REAL NAME:  Johnny Lee Townsend

BORN: 1/28/1983 in North Carolina

Fave Food:  Russell’s chilli or Sonya’s pizza burgers (which i have not had any of for a while now ahem)

Fave Music:  too much good out there if you look for it.  sufjan stevens, murder by death, death cab for cutie, nuetral milk hotel, sea wolf, devotchka, M. Ward, Matt Costa, the list goes on and on.

Fave Movies: again, so many good ones!  saving private ryan, juno, star wars and lord of the rings, walk the line, war of the worlds, dumb and dumber, airplane!, road to perdition (criminally overlooked), Glory, the sixth sense, the truman show, one hour photo, little miss sunshine, etc.

Fave Shows:  Lost (if you do not watch, then you hate all that is right), The X Files, Supernatural, Heroes, Ghost Hunters, Quantum Leap, South Park, The Office, Ninja Turtles, Robot Chicken, The Simpsons, stuff on the history channel, etc.

and now, for the first time ever….something all you have been requesting ever since this blog began….something you will tell all your friends and family about.   i will now reveal a self portrait of myself.  please take a moment to bask in the glory of my face. 

shrek.jpg

do not worry.  the topics shall return.  i know they have been greatly enjoyed.  

What should be censored? Society has deemed it necessary to censor everything from racist warner brother cartoons to superbowl half time shows (I mean really, who actually cared to see hers anyways? Am I right? Huh? Am I?). I have decided that while I explain to you how sometimes we take censorship to far, I will do so with colorful language. I am aware that some people who read my blog could be offended by such colorful language, so I have decided that every time I am about to use such a word, it will be substituted with names for cute baby animals. How am I able to do this? That’s simple. Cause I am the PUPPY.If you don’t think that censorship has gone off the deep end, then you are one stupid mother KOALA BEAR. Pretty soon we will not have anything remotely resembling free speech. And what is worse, it is almost as if it’s selective censorship. If a woman says something, I can’t say anything cause then I’d be a sexist. If an African american says something, I can’t say anything cause I’d be a racist. If an arab comes running at me with a bomb strapped to his chest screaming “DIE YOU SONS OF KITTENS!” then I am a dirty american. When did america become this super sensitive country, a BEAR CUB if you will? Let us examine this question…It was a tough year. JFK had been shot years ago. Man had already pretended to of landed on the moon. Rap had unfortunately become a form of music. Garth Brooks still played concerts. Britney Spears hadn’t had kids or flashed her BUNNY RABBIT yet. Justin was still in Nsync (pre gay Lance Bass). Here is an artist drawing of Lance Bass.

lance-bass-before-gay.jpg

And just for TIGER CUBs and giggles, here is an artist drawing of what Lance Bass looked like after he came out and said he was gay.lance-bass-after-gay.jpgThe country itself became ultra sensitive after Johnny began doing his blogs. That’s right. It’s my fault. Due to my lack of caring what people think. Due to my WINNIE THE POOH off attitude. My rebelness has destroyed america! But have no fear, I am here to tell us all how to fix it.1. Have a sense of humor. The main reason so many people make it harder on everyone else is due to the serious lack of sense of humor that has grown. It is out of control. It is almost impossible not to offend someone. When santa says HO HO HO women rights groups are offended. When a white guy gets a job over a black guy Jesse Jackson is outraged. When Celine Dion sings a song anyone with a single thread of taste in music is offended. That son of a MUSKRAT. If we could all get back to having our sense of humors back, think of all the good it will do. Men, women, and children holding hands. Divorce rates will decline. Catholic Priests will stop inappropriately GERBILing young boys. All will be right in the world.2. Stop being selfish. Hey, if you don’t like whats on tv, then change the channel. Or better yet, turn the television off. Stop letting the tv set raise your kids anyways. Lets try our best to dwindle the nerd population huh? Together we can do that. All those nerds can just go to PANDA BEAR CUB.

3. Elect Johnny president. that’s right, president. You want to make this country great again, elect me. Worried about our economy? No problem. Worried about gas prices? Actually, those are getting really HUMAN BABY expensive. But together, we can help to make america amazing again!!!

So there you have it folks. Censorship is getting so out of hand that I doubt you’ll even be able to read this if this blog got into the wrong hands!!! Stay tuned for the next topic!

*special thanks to Amy for inspiring me to write this one.  send all complaints to her*

Topic #2 Women.Yeah, women. That’s the topic. Why women you ask? Cause it is now 2008 and women are still not easy to understand. Even before Jesus himself was born, women were how they are now. Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “Johnny, I doubt you have any trouble with women.” oh ha ha ha mom. I’m not quite the handsome man you believe me to be.Let us now examine why women are so hard to understand by looking at some myths…1. Women say they like a guy with a sense of humor. Oh ha ha ha ha and ha. That is why I’m surrounded by women all the time who enjoy spending time with me. Oh wait…. Let’s face it peeps, when it comes to bringing the funny, I do so day in and day out. I can easily shoot a hole in this myth. Here, I will now relay to you a conversation I have had with a woman.

Me: hey (name withheld to protect the made up)

HER: why aren’t you being funny?

Me: um…I didn’t feel like it?

HER: go away you are pointless along with everything you say and believe. Also, I hope you get a puppy and get really attached to it so I can kick it in the ribs.

See? That was an actual conversation. I was recently asked why it is that the funny guys are getting tired of being funny. The reason is simple. It gets you no where. But at least on the bright side you can laugh at the fact that you’re still in the same place forty years from now. There have been many polls done asking women what they look for in a guy. And the main number one answer? Anyone? That’s right. A sense of humor. Oh ha ha ha ha ( I am dangerously close to exceeding my fake laugh limit). Here is a poll I conducted. The results are shown in this professionally created bar graph.

bar-graph-for-women-blog.jpg

I believe the results speak for themselves.

Myth #2: women hate it when a man doesn’t talk. This myth also astounds me. I talk all the time and have yet to find someone of the female persuasion to actually enjoy that fact. And I will also add my ability to listen. When I ask a woman how her day is, I actually want to know how her day is. This brings me to the third myth…Myth #3: women want to be respected

I believe that Steve Carrell said it best in his award winning documentary “The 40 Year Old Virgin” when he said “I respect women so much that I stay away from them.” I do this and have yet to be applauded. I open doors for women. I refuse to say something insulting to them unless it’s really really funny. Heck, I even go out of the room to express myself (be it through yelling or flatulence). My point being that I actually respect women. And where has it gotten me with them? *cue the cricket sound*

See how it can be hard to understand the ladies? My ability to give compliments aids me in no way. In closing, I will submit to you another convo I had with the last girl I asked out. Again the name is changed to protect the innocent or completely made up.

ME: so you wanna go get some food sometime?

HER: uh……look johnny you’re a nice guy and all but you’re not my type.  You are the most sweetest and caring guy i have ever known.  I am sure that there is someone out there for you, even though every woman you have ever talked to has told you the same thing.

ME: oh….well what’s your type?

HER: the guys who don’t look like shrek and are funny, but not as hilarious as you. Like a smidge below your hilarious level. On a scale of hilariousness of 1 to 10, you rank a 10 and im looking for someone around a 6.5.

ME: oh…well how about you just give me a shot? You never know you could enjoy yourself.

HER: oh I know I’ll enjoy myself my dear johnny. But you see, that is because you are a monkey and only good for telling jokes when I need them. When I have problems with a guy I actually want to be with that’s when I’ll come to you. You’ll make me feel better. With your gift of comedy and all. Then when I feel better I’ll go back to him. You are so funny, thinking I would go out with you. Oh johnny. What am I to do with you.

ME: oh come onnnnn!

HER: leave me alone. You know what the police said last time you got this close. Now go away before I get my shovel (inside joke alert).

END TRANSMISSION

as you may have noticed, the blog that was posted here
before has been removed.  this is due to the fact we
thought it could actually be hurtful and that was not
our intention.  so instead of letting that affect my
hilarity, i decided to fight back against adversity!
so today on the blog, i will myself tackle these hard
hitting topics!

WARNING: i do not plan to pull any punches.  i hope
you realize that while you will be able to tell how i
feel about certain things, that i do so with my
“humor”.  if you’re easily offended then good you
ninny.

todays topic:  homeschooling

before i begin, let me point out that i know many
people who were homeschooled and who are being
homeschooled.  most of them are quite intelligent and
just overall awesome.  they are probably not the norm
though.

homeschooling seems to be a touchy subject.  i spent
my life in public school.  while in public school, i
always wished i could be homeschooled just so i could
sleep in.  so, to give homeschooling it’s fair due, i
shall compile a list of pros and cons of
homeschooling.

PROS:

make your own hours.  you are not contained to the
wills of “the man.”  you do not have to combat my
fierciest rival, the early morning.

you can have more control when it comes to showing you
children morals.  this could also be considered a con
if you believe in free will.  depends on which plate
you want to eat from.

safety.  it is much easier to protect your children if
they’re in your house.  we all know that all public
schools are full of nothing but drugs and rocket
launchers.  why, when i was in school, if i hadn’t of
ducked i would of been shot in the face with a
submarine torpedo. 

CONS:

your child may be limited to who teaches them.  one of
the positive things about public school is that you
will encounter many different teachers, therefor more
learning is possible. you can become so smart that you
can correct the english of your 10th grade english
teacher, which she will in turn get angry at you and
give you a B when you so deserved an A….grumble
grumble…

it is a well known fact that 75 percent of all home
schooled children grow up to be zombies.  they live a
care free life of acting more important than others
and eating the brains of those less fortunate(it was
pointed out before that i might not know when to use
then or than.  i will point out that i do not care and
never will.  if you’re going to get caught up in typos
and bad grammer, then you shouldn’t of come to this
site.  you knew what you were getting into).  i want
to do a study to see if all those people who talk on
their cell phones in public were also home schooled.

a lot of terrible people in history were homeschooled.
here’s a list i have compiled…ghangis khan, adolf
hitler
, and hilary clinton.  AUTHORS NOTE:  i can not
back this up with actual facts. 

it is also a well known fact that most homeschoolers
are wierd.  i know this since two of my best friends
were homeschooled and i went with them to many
homeschool events.  i felt awkward and unwelcomed,
kind of like i was at a neo-nazi meeting and was a
jew.  my pals will also back me up on this claim.
this may sound ignorant of me, but to be fair, when do
i not sound ignorant?  this blog site is nothing but
my ignorance and you still come and read.  so who’s
fault is it?  hmmmm?  HMMMMM? 

those were just some pros and cons of homeschooling.
so should you homeschool?  this depends on how you
want your child to grow up.  i wanted to add the fact
that a lot of homeschooled children will grow up to be
socially awkward, and this is true on a lot of
accounts.  now i do know quite a few homeschooled
peeps, and they are anything but socially challenged.
however, i do not believe them to be the norm. 

will i homeschool my children?  what children?  wait
you know something i dont?  If God is as just as i
believe him to be, i doubt there will be any little
Johnny’s running around, for which we should all be
thankful.  but, on the off chance i do have a child or
two, i doubt i would homeschool.  this is mainly due
to the fact that i will enjoy them being gone for 7
hours a day. 

do i believe homeschooling to be evil?  well not as
evil as country music.  while i say negative things
against homeschooling it is trully because i do not
understand it and therefor fear it.  just as i do
regarding homosexuals and certain breeds of puppies. 

stay tuned to johnnyism for the next topic…you know
you want to…