Topic #2 Women.Yeah, women. That’s the topic. Why women you ask? Cause it is now 2008 and women are still not easy to understand. Even before Jesus himself was born, women were how they are now. Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “Johnny, I doubt you have any trouble with women.” oh ha ha ha mom. I’m not quite the handsome man you believe me to be.Let us now examine why women are so hard to understand by looking at some myths…1. Women say they like a guy with a sense of humor. Oh ha ha ha ha and ha. That is why I’m surrounded by women all the time who enjoy spending time with me. Oh wait…. Let’s face it peeps, when it comes to bringing the funny, I do so day in and day out. I can easily shoot a hole in this myth. Here, I will now relay to you a conversation I have had with a woman.

Me: hey (name withheld to protect the made up)

HER: why aren’t you being funny?

Me: um…I didn’t feel like it?

HER: go away you are pointless along with everything you say and believe. Also, I hope you get a puppy and get really attached to it so I can kick it in the ribs.

See? That was an actual conversation. I was recently asked why it is that the funny guys are getting tired of being funny. The reason is simple. It gets you no where. But at least on the bright side you can laugh at the fact that you’re still in the same place forty years from now. There have been many polls done asking women what they look for in a guy. And the main number one answer? Anyone? That’s right. A sense of humor. Oh ha ha ha ha ( I am dangerously close to exceeding my fake laugh limit). Here is a poll I conducted. The results are shown in this professionally created bar graph.


I believe the results speak for themselves.

Myth #2: women hate it when a man doesn’t talk. This myth also astounds me. I talk all the time and have yet to find someone of the female persuasion to actually enjoy that fact. And I will also add my ability to listen. When I ask a woman how her day is, I actually want to know how her day is. This brings me to the third myth…Myth #3: women want to be respected

I believe that Steve Carrell said it best in his award winning documentary “The 40 Year Old Virgin” when he said “I respect women so much that I stay away from them.” I do this and have yet to be applauded. I open doors for women. I refuse to say something insulting to them unless it’s really really funny. Heck, I even go out of the room to express myself (be it through yelling or flatulence). My point being that I actually respect women. And where has it gotten me with them? *cue the cricket sound*

See how it can be hard to understand the ladies? My ability to give compliments aids me in no way. In closing, I will submit to you another convo I had with the last girl I asked out. Again the name is changed to protect the innocent or completely made up.

ME: so you wanna go get some food sometime?

HER: uh……look johnny you’re a nice guy and all but you’re not my type.  You are the most sweetest and caring guy i have ever known.  I am sure that there is someone out there for you, even though every woman you have ever talked to has told you the same thing.

ME: oh….well what’s your type?

HER: the guys who don’t look like shrek and are funny, but not as hilarious as you. Like a smidge below your hilarious level. On a scale of hilariousness of 1 to 10, you rank a 10 and im looking for someone around a 6.5.

ME: oh…well how about you just give me a shot? You never know you could enjoy yourself.

HER: oh I know I’ll enjoy myself my dear johnny. But you see, that is because you are a monkey and only good for telling jokes when I need them. When I have problems with a guy I actually want to be with that’s when I’ll come to you. You’ll make me feel better. With your gift of comedy and all. Then when I feel better I’ll go back to him. You are so funny, thinking I would go out with you. Oh johnny. What am I to do with you.

ME: oh come onnnnn!

HER: leave me alone. You know what the police said last time you got this close. Now go away before I get my shovel (inside joke alert).