You are currently browsing the monthly archive for May 2008.

 

Last night Trevor and I decided that we would go see the new Indiana Jones movie on opening night. My week had been entirely CENSORED and I was ready for two hours of escape. We made sure to purchase our tickets early and were eagerly awaiting for 7 p.m. to come around. During this time I realized two things…

1. One of the few things that really makes me forget my troubles and my life in general is a movie

2. All of mine and Trevor’s friends seem to always have better things to do then to be seen in public with us. While this isn’t a rant about friends, this is just the latest in many, many instances where friends of ours all decided other things were more appealing then to spend time with us. Granted, I’m not at all blaming them. How do you think I feel? I have to spend time with me all the time. But, for the most part, if a close friend of mine asked me to do something or if I wanted to do something I would normally go for it (I am not perfect in this but I would like to think that overall this is truthful). This is why I’m my weekends usually end up as me staying at home cause everyone else is already doing something and would rather not invite me. And yes, this is my pity party.

 

Back to the story. Finally it was time to go into the theater. I had recently seen Iron Man and really liked it, so this movie had me hoping for good things as well. The second I walked into the theater, a blanket of heat smashed into my face. It had to be over 85 degrees in there. So this is my first point I want to rant on with movie theaters…

1. Temperature.

Why do movie theaters insist on making the room uncomfortable? There must be only two temperature settings on the movie theater thermostat. Polar Ice Caps Cold and Hell’s Sauna Hot. You never know if you should bring a blanket or a small travel size pool.

As I’m sitting there, watching annoying little movie trivia games on the big screen and sweating, I forced myself to just forget the heat. This however, is hard to do. It’s a well known fact that temperature can really alter your thoughts and make you only think about how hot or cold it is instead of focusing on something. But I soon let this go as the room goes dim. And now for my second rant on movie theaters…

2. Commercials

I paid for my movie ticket. I paid close to 10 bucks for my movie. This ticket price goes up all the time. If I pay for this movie, then I should NOT be subjected to commercials. If the movie was free, then by all means hit me with commercials. I PAID FOR THIS MOVIE, I DID NOT PAY FOR COMMERCIALS!!!!! If I have to see another stupid short film on Coca-Cola I’m going to destroy myself. Also, I know the movie theater is now digital, and the picture does look pretty great, but I really don’t have to watch a stupid short info thing on it. “It’s like the difference between Records and MP3’s.” WHAT? That’s an actual quote from that, proving how stupid it is. Also, I’m sorry token black guy who was grabbed for the short commercial spot, but we all know you don’t talk that way. Word playa.

So the commercials finally end. It’s still hot and my seat is damp from my sweat (I can paint a beautiful picture). After the trailers (if you don’t like movie trailers then you’re just stupid), that familiar and iconic movie score hits and the movie begins. All of a sudden, a phone rings. At first I thought maybe this was in the movie. Then it hit me, it was coming from the woman behind me. Who then proceeds to ANSWER HER PHONE! Does she whisper and quickly hang up? Of course not. That would at least be a little considerate. She talks to this person, has a friggin conversation with them. I should never know the person you’re talking to on a phone in a movie theater. So she ends the conversation. Alright we can get back to the movie, which has been pretty good so far.

You know, I can forgive you for your phone ringing one time in the movie theater. Maybe you just forgot to cut your phone off or at least put it on silent. It happens. But when it happens FIVE TOTAL TIMES????!!!!!!!!! How friggin inconsiderate of the people around you are you lady? Oh and the kicker? Not only did she never turn her phone down or off, she ANSWERED THE PHONE EVERY TIME!!! For instance, I know that her husband just didn’t feel like coming to the movie and elected to stay home, and that Margaret should try to get a hold of him there at that number. So my next rant on movie theaters…the people.

3. People

For the most part, the people in the movie theater are there for the same reason you are. So normally you do not have a problem. But when in our society did we decide that we should be inconsiderate of those around us? Talking on your phone during a movie? I haven’t felt like being that violent to a person in a long time. Should I have said something to her? I really doubt that would of done anything but have caused a ten minute ruckus, and I really wanted to see the movie. The other thing that happens is people talking to the people around them, OUT LOUD!!! Do you know what a whisper is? If you want to whisper, that’s cool with me. That doesn’t distract me (unless you’re pointing to me while doing so, then I become concerned). Look, I go to movies with my friends (again, the ones who decide they can bite a bullet and hang out with me for two hours), so I know there’s a temptation to comment on something during the movie to them. But I whisper. And if the movie is amazingly good, I rarely talk at all. I throw myself into the movie. I try to let myself get carried away into this alternate world of chase scenes and sword fights. So if you must talk, flippin whisper you bunch of jerks.

So those are my quick rants on movie theaters. Was the new Indiana Jones movie good? I thought so. It’s never going to live up to the original but it was good enough to make me want to watch the old ones again. If you like Indiana Jones then you’ll like this movie. If you don’t, then really why are you going to see it? For the commercials I assume. So, in conclusion, the movie was great. The movie experience, however, was not.

 

It’s almost summer time. Guess what that means? It’s time for love. When you are a single person, and have been for a while, you will at times feel in the dumps. Being single can be quite hard sometimes especially on those nights when no one wants to do anything with you and/or already busy (a.k.a. my every Saturday night). So what do those people who care about you do? Well they feel obliged to say certain things in an attempt to make you feel better. So now for your reading pleasure, I shall list these things and why they shouldn’t be said.

WARNING: THIS BLOG POST IS STOCKED FULL OF BITTERNESS. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. ALSO, THERE MAY BE TYPOS.

1. You’re such a great guy.

I’ve heard this so many times I could vomit. If I was so great then how come I’m alone? OHHH IN YOUR FACE! You know why I’m alone? Cause I’m a selfish cynical horrible looking person. Plus sometimes I don’t answer my phone because I don’t feel like talking to whoever you are. See? Jerk.

2. There is someone out there for everyone. Sometimes known as God has someone out there for you.

Ahh the classic cliché. Another one I have heard many times from my lady friends. There are so many things wrong with this one. First of all, how do you know there is someone out there for me? If you yourself couldn’t see yourself with me, then how could you see anyone else? As for bringing God into this, how do you know for sure He has someone planned for me? Have you ever thought that perhaps He wants me to die alone? Sounds harsh but entirely possible. Have I depressed you? Good, maybe you get the idea now.

3. If I wasn’t dating someone I’d be dating you.

This is one I’ve actually heard. How do I know it’s crap? Because now that person is engaged, and she’s not engaged to me.

4. I can’t believe you haven’t been snatched up yet.

Well really, who wants to be snatched up? Sounds like I’m in one of those machines where a claw goes around and tries to grab prizes. Except I wouldn’t be in the nice expensive claw machine with the stuffed Winnie the Pooh doll. Oh no I’d be in the quarter claw machine where it lets you play till you win.

 

There are just a few. Now let’s examine why these things are said.

1. They have to say them.

They are your friends. If they see you feeling down they feel obliged to feed you some cliché or compliment in an attempt to make you feel better. Well guess what? You’re attempts amuse me while at the same time do nothing for me. In fact, you just make me feel like even worse crap for making you worry about me.

2. It’s what everyone says.

You know why those things are clichés? They are said all the time in those situations. How about next time not saying anything? Or ignoring it and make jokes instead. It’s what I do and look where it got me…oh wait…bad example.

 

Perhaps being single for so long has made me become bitter. I’d also like to think that it has opened my eyes to these fake things that are said just to make yourself feel better. To comfort yourself because you at least tried.

So if you find yourself out on the summer night with your hands clasped tightly to your loved one, then be happy for yourself. You have accomplished something others may not.

But if you ever find yourself about to mention one of those clichés, then do your best to stop yourself. This has been a public service announcement. I’m Johnny Townsend, and now you know.

 

I will leave you with this graph showing you my before and after facial expressions when it comes to hearing one of those cliches. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Today is mother’s day. It was said today that perhaps every day should be mother’s day. I am glad that is not true. It’s very hard for a guy to get his mom a gift. I mean really, anything you get is not going to equal up to the fact that she pushed you forth from her body years ago. So, in a slight effort to have a mother’s day post and to show my sweet, caring, momma’s boy side, I will tell you how my mom is the coolest. Enjoy…

1. She cooks very well.

Anyone who knows me or has seen what I look like can probably guess this. Her cooking is legendary with me. In fact, she has mother’s day cards from back in elementary school where the main thing I would say was that she was a great cook. I did not inherit those skills, for if there is no microwave then I would surely starve to death or die from eating uncooked food.

2. She makes the best Kool-Aid and sweet tea

I know it sounds weird to say someone makes really good Kool-aid, but I used to drink that stuff all the time. I know it’s just adding that sugar to water, but she does it in such a way that it works well. I have tried to make kool-aid and the results have been horrendous. If someone had me a gun point, and told me that the only way they would not shoot me would be if I made kool aid that was drinkable, then the end of that story would be that the police found my body the next day with a pitcher of red colored water next to my lifeless face.

And her tea….wow. She makes sun tea, and while my tea is much better then my kool-aid, her tea is still the rocks. I have had some great tea, but hers will always be the best.

 

3. She hasn’t kicked me out

I’m 25 and at the moment still live with my parents. My mom loves this since she likes talking to me. Will I move out eventually? Yes. Even though I am assured that my chance of finding a woman is remotely small, I do know that if I have my own place that the percentage of that chance goes up by 00.1%. Also, I am committed to ending my life if I am still living at home when I’m 30 (hold me to that Trevor). Still, my mom has told me over and over again that there is no hurry. I believe she says this because she loves me. Also because she believes that I will be destroyed in the real world.

 

4. She sings all the time.

Actually not as much now a days. It’s kind of sad. Some of my fondest memories are hearing her sing her heart out to her Reba McEntire songs. And here’s the kicker, she’s actually quite good, although she doesn’t believe that. It is true though, it’s darn true. I’d like to say that’s where I get my singing talent from, but that would be an insult to her and to the word talent.

 

5. She’s fun to pick on

My mom is not great at making jokes. She does, however, have a sense of humor. This makes her great to pick on. Please note, that if I pick on someone, it’s a compliment for that means that you don’t annoy me. Actually, that depends on how hardcore I’m picking on you.

 

6. She’s insanely caring.

I know a lot of people who have an incredible heart. I am honored that most of my friends have one of those (which is good, since they make up for mine). My mom may indeed be the most kind hearted person I know. Rarely does she say an unkind word. Very rarely has she ever raised her voice. Even more rarely has she ever cursed. She’s one of those people that other people come to so they can talk to them.

 

7. She would do anything for me

If there was a way she thought she could help me, she would do it. The fact that she loves me so much is the main reason why I refuse to take money from her now and why I get angry when my sister comes over with grabby hands (another blog for another time).

 

8. She installed good morals

The reason why I have good morals (depending upon your definition of good morals) is because of how she and dad brought me up. Now, granted, it’s the reason why I’m so nice and hilarious that I’m always put into the position of best friend instead of boyfriend, but I digress. Also, my mom is not racist. Cool huh?

Those are just some of the reasons why my mom is awesome. I’m sure you all have great moms too, but they’re not my moms now are they? In closing, enjoy this picture of my mom.

 

Ok this is a pic of Reba McEntire. My mom doesn’t like to have her picture taken.

In the New York Post, it is reported that Lindsay Lohan’s mom will win an award for being a good mom. According to the New York Post, she is in line to win the top mom award by the Mingling Moms Association (http://www.nypost.com/seven/05062008/gossip/pagesix/who_knew__dina_a_top_mom_109664.htm).

I truly hope this is a joke. It might just be with a name like Mingling Mom’s Association. It was also in the gossip pages so there’s a chance. But if it’s not, I believe it is then a time for action. If it is true that Lindsay Lohan’s mom has won an award for being a good mother, then I might just believe that it is the time for the apocalypse. If you look in the book of Revelations I would almost bet it has something in there about this being one of the signs of the end of the world. How can you be voted a top mom when your daughter is pretty much a walking prostitute. Also, she can’t act. Her voice has decayed from the abuse of smoking and late night whore’ing. She goes to parties and is almost always the talk the next day for something she did. A fantastic role model for the girls growing up today. If you have a conversation with her, you can’t use any words that are bigger than five syllables. I recently got an exclusive interview with Lindsay’s mom, during which she talked about her daughter and how she feels about being honored for this reward.

ME: Hello Lindsay’s mom, thank you for taking the time to do this.

LM (Lindsay’s mom): oh you’re welcome cutie.

ME: so what kind of kid was Lindsay growing up?

LM: well as soon as she was born I knew she was special. I made a pledge that as soon as I could I would get her into some movies and ride her coat tails, making tons of money while ignoring every warning sign she may show that she’s slowly dying inside. And look at me now…paradise.

ME: what do you say to all those people who tell you about all the mistakes your daughter is making?

LM: (taking a long smoke) well darling, let’s not talk about her. Let’s talk about me. I’ve won an award you know.

ME: yes you did. How does this award make you feel?

LM: I am very honored that the mumbling mom award is being awarded to me. It makes me feel like all my hard work of being a pushy, overbearing and non caring mother have finally paid off. Now let’s stop with the talk, let’s get it on.

*she then jumped on me and attacked me. It took three men to get her off of me and there weren’t enough showers I could take that would get that feeling off of me..I still see her lunging at me in my nightmares…*

On a completely different note, I received a phone call from Bill Clinton himself. While I have never claimed to be a big fan of anyone with the last name Clinton, it was still cool that he would take the time out of his busy schedule to call me. He was so excited that he wouldn’t let me get a word in. He just kept going on and on about what his wife could do for me if I would just vote for her. While he did sound really tired and not really thrilled to have to call me, a white undecided voter, he still gave his best spill. I was touched. Not touched like an angel had come down from heaven and told me my life’s direction, not even touched like I was a 11 year old choir boy who the priest made swear to secrecy that they were just playing hide and go touch. But I was a little touched.

I also want to point out that I am being singled out for not being a minority. Because I am a white male aged 21-48 the politicians don’t feel the need to call me and beg for my vote. We are a deprived, ignored people. This is the worst thing that could ever possibly happen to one group of people ever. I don’t want to use the “R” word, but I do feel this is a bit…you know.. That word for not liking someone for their skin color or age…

That’s all for tonight. Tomorrow night an all new Lost is on, and I highly recommend you check it out. Looks to be a winner. Also a new episode of the Office. Check these shows out! Lost at 10 on ABC and The Office at 9 on NBC (eastern times). Over and out!

Here’s the problem I have with PETA.  By now I’m sure most of you have heard about the horse that died on the track at the Kentucky Derby.  My problem with PETA is how they act.  Let me first say that I know hardly anything about horse racing.  I’ve never watched a full race ever.  PETA is outraged about this incident.  Let me pick a part their argument.

They say that whipping the horse is inhumane.  You know what?  I agree.  Take it out.  But I heard on ESPN today that the only reason it’s still even done is that it’s tradition.  Everyone agreed it should go.  My problem with PETA is not that they pointed this out, it’s that they used this event to point this out, when this has been going on for a long time.  It was called a tradition.  Why wait till now to really jump into the fray?  I’ll tell you why.  Publicity. 

PETA went right after the jockey who was riding the horse.  It’s always the humans fault.  These are the same people who if a human being and a dog were both dying, they would push the human off to the side and give the dog CPR.   These are the people that if I were to hit a dog in my car because i couldn’t get over to the other side of the road due to cars, they would sue me for not hitting the car instead of the dog.  This jockey did nothing wrong.  Everyone interviewed has said this. 

On ESPN this morning, they played a piece of an interview with a spokeswoman from PETA, and she wouldn’t ever actually answer a question asked.  Instead she would take the question and answer it by saying how cruel and terrible the treatment of the horses was.  Listen, these are some lucky horses.  I guarantee that some of them live a much fuller and better life then i do.  I know a bunch of them are richer.  Also, the boy horses aren’t just turned to glue (and if they are it is probably the best glue, a thoroughbred glue), they live out their retirement making it with some hot lady horses.  

 PETA’s problem is that it just seems that they are using this situation as publicity.  Jumping on a sad situation to further their cause.  PETA is just one of many groups who come out and have aided this country into becoming one that is so overly politically correct. 

 

Switching gears, I have watched American Idol tonight.  Here are my thoughts…

DAVID COOK:  probably not his best work (tho i thought the Who song was good), but he is hands down the best one overall.  if you don’t think so then guess what?  You’re a nazi.  You jew killer.

DAVID ARCHIE SOMETHING:  annoying.  I think it’s due to how young he is and how he tries to come off as this person who is all about important things.  get over yourself man.  will he make it to the finals?  yes.  why?  because grandmas and 12 year olds have figured out how to text. 

THE GIRL:  am i the only one who thinks she just shrieks and screams everything?  the most annoying thing tonight?  the crying.  i have never seen someone use crying to their advantage.  she will go on because she cried.  i will be really surprised if she doesn’t.  bravo lady, bravo.  SIDE NOTE:  crying is the woman’s main weapon against tyranny.  It is how they get out of speeding tickets, how they get votes, and how they can end the war in Iraq.  Just send some crying women over there.

 
HIPPIE DUDE:  man, i want to like this guy.  I really liked his somewhere over the rainbow a few weeks back.  but wow, he dropped the ball tonight.  ive never seen someone who has these huge eyes that are fully open at all times still seem stoned.  impressive. 

 

finally, i will announce the results to the poll question.  Do you think I should try out for american idol?  Here are the results……

85 percent – no

10 percent – sure why not

15 percent – you are a terrible human being

 

there you have it.  before i leave, ill leave you with this email i got from a fan.  Sherlie James from Orlando, Florida writes..

Dear johnny,

I really enjoy your blogs.  The way you rant really gets my juices flowing.  You are so hilarious.  You deserve your own show or something.  You are so sweet and daring.  I love the way your words just flow from your fingers.  I bet you sound hot when you talk.  I have included a picture of me in a bikini for your own eyes.  i really enjoy looking at those pictures of yourself that you have put in a few blog posts.  I love you and wish to stalk you.  I have to go now, Roger Clemmons is calling me.

you’re biggest fan,

Sherlie James.

 

Keep the fan mail coming!  I enjoy reading how i have changed your lives for the better.  it would also be great if i didn’t have to make these letters up. 

 

P.S:  let me point this out before i end this.  I like animals.  I have two dogs.  One dog i like and one dog that i wish terrible things upon.  So i do like some animals.  some.  i really enjoy penguins.  there’s something about an animal that always looks like it’s wearing a tux….

P.P.S i saw the new brand new trailer for the next Batman movie…..i’m slobbering over this one.  Looks like how Joker should have been done.  RIP Heath. 

Ohhhhhhh Roger…

 

If you haven’t heard, the ladies claiming to have had an affair with famed baseball player Roger Clemmons is on the rise.  It’s becoming an epidemic.  Let’s see if it’s contagious.  So to recap, if you have a daughter who is under fifteen, do not let her near him.  If you’re married and would like to have an affair with Roger Clemmons, then please feel free to fill out this resume. 

 

Name:

 

Age:

 

Are you married?

 

If so then to whom?

 

Do you believe I should be in the hall of fame?

 

If so please explain why:

 

 

 

Have you ever had performance enhancing drugs?

 

Are you prepared to take the fall if I have ever had performance enhancing drugs?

 

 

 

 

Fill that out and send to Roger Clemmons.  He wouldn’t give me his address though so just hunt for it. 

 

 

On American Idol last night, it was Brooke who was sent home.  This is because the quota of someone who always looks like they’re about to explode emotionally was being filled by Paula Abdul.  And as for Paula, let’s all give her a break.  Do you know how hard it is to be on national television while also on four different kinds of drugs?  Me either but I’m sure it’s difficult.  As long as she has Randy there calling her his dawg though, I’m sure things will be ok.

 

Lastly, Ashlee Simpson’s new album is failing to meet expectations.  This raises many questions.  Number one, who in the world had expectations for Ashlee Simpson album?  Number two, I’ve never seen a nose job actually make someone hot.  Impressive.  People were questioning how this could happen.  How could Ashlee Simpson put out an album and it tank?  I can answer this easily.  Her music sucks.  I could make an album with nothing but the recorded sounds of kittens and cats being stepped on and it would sell better and sound better. 

 

*EDITOR’S NOTE:  the author wishes to inform PETA that he would never ever make such an album.  And if he were he would be sure to use the tofu kittens.  There, that should keep him from criticism. 

 

I will point out that I have not heard her album.  I will also point out that I still have the ability to choose what I listen to, which may or may not be the reason why I haven’t heard her album. 

 

To end Johnnyism today, I am having a poll.  You may give your answer by either replying and commenting to this, or by texting 0101 to…..

 

Here’s the question…

 

Do you think I should try out for American Idol, and if so, how far do you see me going?