You are currently browsing the monthly archive for June 2008.
Oh California. A state full of movie stars and earthquakes. Where Lindsay Lohen can have people pay her to take pictures of her. If you look to the sky at night you can see the mysterious night sky ablaze in the monthly forest fires.
No one actually knows where the name California came from. Some say it came from a lonely Mexican named El Californus. Others say they don’t have time to care since they’re busy writing the new script for the Gilligan’s Island movie update.
California is known for it’s warm climate. Every day is 80 degrees with a chance of becoming a snob.
– World Series Quake: named due to the fact that it tried to make a baseball game interesting, this powerful 6.9 earthquake killed 67 people and injured countless talent agents and hairdressers.
– Angora Fire: a huge wildfire that caused a ton of damage and hurt many peoples feelings. No one knows what caused this massive fire, but some believe that it was due to Ben Affleck’s career going down in flames.
Disneyland: Where kids go to be scared by teenagers wearing big mouse heads. It is also the place that every quarterback visits after winning the Super Bowl.
Redwood National Park: Home to the beautiful Redwood Trees. These tall and majestic trees will soon be making way for a parking deck and a new convenience store/McDonald’s combo.
Hollywood: Where people go to live their dreams just to end up becoming alcoholics who drink their pain away every Friday night.
1848: The gold rush. Many people came to this new land after gold was discovered. Most ended up going back home and begging for their old dry-cleaning jobs back.
1869: the east is connected to California by railroad. Most trains are not allowed in, mainly because they weren’t good enough and didn’t follow the “in” crowd.
1908: the first movie starts production in California. The movie was met with luke warm reviews from the first movie critics. Most giving it one thumb up and one thumb down. Others maintain that these moving pictures will never take over as a new form of entertainment. Still others maintain that by making these “movies,” this will allow Dane Cook to somehow have a career.
1977: the personal computer is invented by who knows who. This event is frowned upon solely because it allowed pointless and stupid blogs to be invented, such as this one.
2008: Homosexuals are allowed to get married. When asked why they wanted to so badly, most homosexuals say they just want the chance to get a divorce like everyone else.
No one knows the exact population of California. Many are murdered everyday by robots who look like humans who come from the future. The governor has since passed a law making it illegal for robots to murder humans, known as the dreaded “Terminator Law.”
Movie Stars: 11%
People Who Want to be Movie Stars: 18%
Los Angeles: A city full of broken dreams and shattered ash treys. It boasts the highest washed out movie star to normal person ratio in the country.
San Francisco: This city is known for its bridge and for the fact that the entire city comes in all colors of the rainbow. A city where men can hold other men’s hands and the heterosexual are beaten and have objects hurled at them. Most are never hurt however, since the citizens of San Francisco throw like girls.
Sacramento: No one knows how exactly this city became the capital. Many believe it knows somebody who knows somebody.
25% liked the book better
75% liked the movie better because they didn’t have to read
Many Californians spend their off time reading movie scripts or writing movie scripts. Others become actors and spend their time trying to convince everyone that they aren’t gay. They do this by jumping on couches and forcing a younger woman from a sappy teenage drama show to marry them.
State flower: golden poppy
Motto: Eureka! This is also the exact same phrase that Nicholas Cage utters when someone else thinks he can carry a movie.
More turkeys are raised in California then any other state. This is the only thing keeping the rest of the United States from pushing California out to sea.
There is a law in Pacific Grove that fines someone $500 for molesting a butterfly. I have no joke here since sometimes the truth is much more funny.
It is known as the Golden State. This is because the entire state was gold plated in 1992.
Robert Frost: a poet. No one knows how he died. It is widely believed that he just got lost when he came to a fork in the road, choosing to take the path less traveled.
Leonardo DiCaprio: A passenger on the ill fated Titanic. Best known for drawing some chick naked and then drowning to let her live. Also known for taking a historical event and somehow ruining it by making it mainly about a love story. See also Pearl Harbor.
George Lucas: created an entire universe for which nerds can get lost in and pretend they have a purpose in life. Most believe Lucas to be some sort of god. Others spend their days on the internet, typing in their blogs about how much better the original Star War movies were than the newer ones.
Tiger Woods: an up and coming golfer. Mark my words, if he keeps practicing, he’ll be good someday.
Marilyn Monroe: An advocate for covers over huge vents. She was crucial in showing how dangerous they could be if you wore a dress.
Walt Disney: mostly known for having a funny name, he is now more famously known for creating a universe where parents could leave their kids to be raised by cartoons.
one of California’s many beautiful natural forests.
The town of Hollywood finally decided to put letters up so it’s residents would know how to spell it. This came after years and years of people mistakingly spelling it as Holywood.
This famous bridge connects California to Hawaii.
In a surprise twist ending, this man was dead the whole time.
North Carolina. What a beautiful state. It has three beautiful regions. Mountains, piedmont, and the ever eroding beaches. Come for the changing of the leaves, stay for the pig farms.
WHERE DID THE NAME COME FROM?
North Carolina was named after the feared dinosaur Northus Carolinius. It was known for it’s sharp teeth and it’s constant need for road construction.
The climate in the state of North Carolina is considered awesome. And it’s only considered awesome if you love terrible weather. Enjoy the hot humid summers and the cold but not cold enough for snow winters.
A. Super storm of 1993- a huge storm that affected most of the united states, doing much damage and causing havoc to a lot of americans. Almost as much so as Dr. Phil.
B. Hurricane (pick a name any name) – many hurricanes have hit the area, causing massive erosion. The Cape Hatteras Lighthouse was quoted as saying “Oh no, not again.”
1. Outer Banks. Known for it’s vast areas of sand.
2. Putt putt. Massive putt putts everywhere. Miniature golf is the only thing that fuels North Carolina’s economy. You will be able to find any putt putt course you wish and play on, since most of them are now out of business and closed.
– North Carolina was officially discovered in 1584. Sir Walter Raleigh was sailing, trying to find a new land so he’d have a place to stash his pot.
– North Carolina was the 12th state to ratify the Constitution. It was the 1st state to decide that Hootie and the Blowfish should have a career, something they have yet to be forgiven for.
– Civil War – North Carolina was heavily involved with the civil war. From oppressing slaves to shooting Stonewall Jackson, their own general, and killing him. On a side note, it is one of the states in the south that still practices racism.
– the first airplane was built at Kitty Hawk. It was a short flight, so there were no peanuts or drinks available.
Has a population of 8,856,505, though this is not counting the illegal immigrants who make up most of Western North Carolina.
Caucasians – 55%
African American – 42%
Latinos – 20 % (all 20% live in the same trailer)
Charlotte – home to many sports teams like the Charlotte Bobcats, the Carolina Panthers, and the lesser known Charlotte Bank Employees.
Raleigh – Home to tobacco. Raleigh has only a year to live thanks to the lung cancer it was just diagnosed with last week. It claims it can quit anytime it wants.
1% can read at an adult level
99% like books with pictures
Most north Carolinians enjoy playing basketball. Although most will never turn pro due to their Caucasian tendencies.
STATS AND FUN FACTS
– state bird: cardinal
-state motto: “Enjoy our beaches while they’re still there.”
– High Point is considered the furniture capital of the world. So while there is nothing to do in High Point, you will always have a place to sit down.
– The Graveyard of the Atlantic is where many ships have sunk to their doom. It is a vast graveyard of sunken ships and broken dreams. The east coasts version of Las Vegas.
– Babe Ruth hit his first home run in North Carolina. He also invented the candy bar at the same time.
– North Carolina is home to many lavish meth labs. Some even have running water.
– It is the leader in tobacco production, and the leading cause of those annoying Truth ads.
– the oldest town in the state is called Bath, named after the very thing it’s residents refuse to partake in.
– 9 out of 10 radio stations play country music, which in turn really depresses me
FAMOUS PEOPLE FROM NORTH CAROLINA
– Thomas Wolfe. A writer. Sadly, no one from his home state has ever read any of his books or heard of him at all.
– Clay Aiken. A singer of some sorts. It is unknown what sex Clay is, as well as why he/she is remotely popular.
– Andy Griffith. Actor. Whistler. He could arrest you for jay walking AND represent you in court.
– Dale Earnhardt. Race care driver. Known for driving in circles and turning left. Turning right is what killed him.
The map of North Carolina. I only know this because it was labeled.
The Cape Hatteras Lighthouse. Every day it inches closer and closer to it’s doom.
Nascar: the number two spectator sport in the world, behind competitive toastering.
the first flight of man. the wright brothers only had a two hour delay and it only took them four hours to get through security and to check their luggage.
The Blue Ridge Parkway. It is so beautiful that you barely notice the empty bear cans tossed to the side of the road.
this is the first of an ongoing series about the 50 states. We will start with the grand state of Kentucky*
Kentucky is one of four U.S. states officially known as a commonwealth. This means absolutely nothing. Nadda. No one has used the word commonwealth since 1954. Kentucky is known as a bluegrass state. This confuses everyone since the grass is not blue. The music is also not grass. Kentucky is also home to horse racing, a sport that most people do not believe still exists.
WHERE DID THE NAME COME FROM?
Named after the fast food chain Kentucky Fried Chicken. The whole state comes in original or extra crispy.
The temperature is normally hot. Unless it’s snowing. Then I guess it’s cold. What do I know? I’m no meteorologist.
a. Louisville tornado of 1890 claimed over 75 lives. It is also responsible for throwing a cow at Helen Hunt and Bill Paxton.
b. april 3rd 1974 tornado outbreak caused 72 deaths. Residents claim that this will not persuade them to move the trailers they live in.
c. 2008 Super Tuesday tornado outbreak claimed 7 lives. Sensing a pattern yet?
a. Kentucky Derby. Go to watch horses run around in a circle once a year. Be sure to bet all your savings on the horse with the coolest name. I bet everything I had last year on a horse named Old With Arthritis. I’m still paying on that one.
b. Louisville zoo. Come see all the amazing animals Kentucky has to offer. From cats to squirrels to the rare human with intelligence. Watch him as he figures out how to use sticks as primitive tools.
c. Mammoth Cave. It’s the world’s longest cave system. The other end comes up in China. Just like in the cartoons.
– Luckily for the early settlers of Kentucky, the native americans had done them a solid and either moved or died from the area. This saved the settlers from the terrible burden of killing and pillaging their teepees thus saving them years of therapy.
– It was a border state during the Civil War. This meant it had cold feet and commitment issues. Some say it will never settle down and get married.
Kentucky has a population of 17 people. None of them know each others names and all live in Louisville. There is not a single soul located anywhere else in the entire area.
Caucasian – 50%
African American – 0%
Hispanic – 0%, though Jose comes to clip the hedges every Tuesday
Bluegrass Musicians – 15%
Louisville. The only major city in the state. No other cities are real and are considered ghost towns.
5% can read.
2% finished high school.
Most Kentuckians enjoy going to Kentucky Wildcat games. They get a thrill out of getting their hopes up just to have them dashed by a mediocre team. See also Arizona.
STATS AND FUN FACTS
Official State Bird: cardinal
Official motto: “Please come here. I’m lonely.”
-state is home to 25630 Wal-Marts. Most do no business since they are located in the middle of nowhere. They will never close down their stores since then no one will be able to purchase a box of oreo cookies and the Die Hard trilogy on DVD at the same place.
– the state hopes to have high speed internet in the next 5 to 10 years.
– the state internet consists of two squirrels running back and forth along power lines.
– 3 out of the 7 total houses have running water.
– only country music exists here. If you are heard playing some other type of music, then you are lynched and then hung by the neck until dead as according to the law.
FAMOUS PEOPLE FROM KENTUCKY
– George Clooney. Yeah, that Clooney. The handsome dream boat from ER.
– Jim Bowie. Died in the Alamo. Also known for his invention of a knife of some sort, though I don’t recall the name.
– Tom Cruise. Kentucky officially only claims him from the time he was born until the movie Minority Report. Pre crazy years.
– Johnny Depp. A pirate who was best known as the captain of the Black Pearl. Witnesses describe him as a semi intelligent man who walked as if he was drunk all the time. They thought he was dead when he went down with the ship, but somehow he was brought back in a long and drawn out sequence that is completely incomprehensible. He was known for many daring events. Including saving the damsel in distress, Orlando Bloom.
– Ashley Judd. Seen at many basketball games and stores “borrowing” things.
– Billy Ray Cyrus. The father of a famous 15 year old. The only thing important he ever did was grow a mullet.
I will end all these posts with pictures from Kentucky along with a description of each.
The top border was originally suppose to be much more straight, but the person who drew the original picture drank 8 coffees after a hard night of partying.
The Kentucky Derby. Where horses have a moment of fame before they are turned into glue.
The official state food. also, voted most likely to succeed in high school.
with this picture of George Clooney included in my blog, I am now guarenteed an additional 15 visits to this site from women and some men.
the only instruments you are allowed to use in Kentucky. If you are caught using anything else, you will be treated as if you do not have the right to vote.
For some reason I feel the need to compare myself or the things I do to other people. It’s almost like this competitive streak I have inside me. Like Kobe Bryant (minus the rape charge and cocky attitude). I want something I do to be great. I want someone to read my writings on Johnnyism and just think that it’s the greatest and funniest thing they have ever read. Yet I will go and read someone else’s blog that writes humorous entries, and I will be set back by how funny it is, thus making my blog seem less so.
My best friend also has a blog. I knew that he was an incredibly talented writer. However, his last two posts were posts of poetry. Not only that, but they were amazing. So deep and meaningful. So many layers involved with them. This in turn made me go and read back over my other blog site where I too dabble in poetry. Sadly though, reading over my stuff after reading his was discouraging. I felt that it was just crap. It was like he was Star Wars Episodes IV, V, and VI while I was the episode of Star Wars with Jar Jar Binks in it. I am the Jar Jar Binks of poetry. I actually convinced myself that I could not hope to write anything resembling “good”. I told myself I wouldn’t really post anymore on that other site (author note: I haven’t actually) because it’s just going to blow.
I just can’t help but to compare myself to others. The problem is, I’m surrounded by insanely talented people. I am involved in a writer’s group that is about to start, and I am having serious second thoughts about it. Everyone in the group is immensely more talented than I. Joyce is an accomplished and professional writer. Heck, she’s even won awards for her historical novels. While she has been supportive of me and my aspirations of becoming a writer, I just can’t help but feel like I don’t have a chance to even come close to enjoying her type of success (a success that will only grow). She always makes sure to tell me that I do have something, but that it’s really hard to make it (she never actually told me what that something was, so I’m assuming it’s not talent). Another person in the group is Amy. I have read some of her stuff she writes and doesn’t post. I am still affected by how great she can be. I could never hope to write something that affects someone on that level. Then there is Sonya. Her blog is the stuff of blog legend. She was even contacted by Oprah. While I believe Oprah to be just as evil as Wal-Mart, it’s still saying a lot. I’d never be on Oprah because of my writing. I’d be more likely to be on Maury, trying to figure out if I’m the baby’s daddy or not. And of course Trevor will be there. My partner in crime. His talent is almost as big as his self doubt. And it’s only almost because he has a lot of self doubt.
See what I mean? I have nothing to bring to this meeting. Nothing in the form in poetry. Nothing in the form of something humorous. Nothing. I feel as defeated as the sport of hockey (just give it up NHL, you’ll never be popular). I constantly compare myself to other people. I have been told I could be a stand up comedian. While I don’t believe this because I have the memory of a senior citizen aged elephant with Alzheimer’s, I still feel the need to find out if I’m the funniest person someone knows. Sometimes I am. Sometimes I am not. I was really depressed when I found out in high school that I wasn’t going to be named class clown my senior year. The only thing that kept me from drinking a gallon of pepto bismol was that someone came up to me and told me I was huggable (thanks Josh).
I actually enjoy singing. Some say I can sing. Some say I should stick to making jokes about pregnant women and people of other races. Point is, of those people who think I can sing, I feel the need to constantly ask if they think I can. I know it gets annoying. Kind of like a kid that keeps asking you if they can open presents over and over again, so much so that you just want to punt them in the spine. When they do answer me and say “yes, you actually have a very nice singing voice.” I feel the urge to ask who I sound like. What singer from what band and so on and so forth. Which really is something we all do. When someone brings up a new band and asks if you have heard of them, one of the first questions you ask is what do they sound like. What other bands do they sound similar?
I know I am not the only one who constantly compares himself to those around him or to other people. This can be a great thing. It’s good to have things you like and to be influenced by them. Radiohead has influenced countless amazing bands. Steve Martin and Bill Cosby and Chris Rock have influenced countless stand up comedians. It’s only a bad thing when you let it kill your confidence. My confidence could have been at ground zero, pronounced dead at the scene if you will, if it weren’t for my small amount of over confidence in myself. So you know what? It’s ok to compare yourself to others. Hopefully it will inspire me, make me want to do something even more greater then I am. And hey, if that doesn’t work, I can always just stay here, entertaining you all with my poop jokes.
First off, let me say that I found something quite interesting the other day. WordPress allows you to see what people type into search engines when they find your site. Apparently someone typed in the words “funny sex quotes” and my blog site came up. If this doesn’t say that I have arrived, I don’t know what will.
In this post, I will answer the question that has been on everyone’s mind. If I were to train someone at a job, just how would I do that? Well fear not my faithful following. Today I shall answer that question.
SCENE: I am at a job. A new person is hired. I am told I must train that person. You will only read what I would say.
Hello. I’m Johnny. So I’m suppose to train you. Yeah, that’s ok. They don’t mind if you bring music and headphones. No, you can’t put them on right now….so where are you from? …. Oh really? I’ve been by there. Yeah just grab that chair and roll on over here….
I’m assuming you know how to use a computer right? I mean the only people who don’t know how to use a computer now a days are carnies and some forms of hobos…..ok good…..so just get on the computer here and show me what you know…….wait, wait. That’s ok that’s a rookie mistake….Look, I just told you that was wrong so I have no idea why you went and done the exact same thing again….We don’t get any breaks…..
You do know that you will never amount to anything right? ….. Yeah it’s ok to think you would at first, but after a while reality will sink in. …. Do you have a soul right now? …. Oh you do? Oh that won’t last very long. Hope you’ve enjoyed it…. You will stop believing in something too. It’s ok it’s normal. …. Your dad doesn’t love you. I know he says he does, but he doesn’t. He thinks your brother is a much better person. I mean, look at your brothers job. ….. Yeah click on that icon. ….
Did you bring your lunch? ….. Another rookie mistake. We don’t actually get to eat lunch here. We say we do, but really you have no time for eating….. You were adopted. ….. You’re actually from Canada. Just think, if you had stayed then you wouldn’t need this job just for the insurance. …. None of your friends like you either. They’re just your friends out of pity. It’s ok though, it’s the same reason why I have friends. Out of sheer pity.
Yeah you will have your own computer. Don’t worry. Sorry about the not showering thing. I just don’t have the time nor the will power. …. Just spray some of that air freshener spray…. Nah I’m not married…….. LONG PAUSE……. So……yeah you’re getting the hang of it. ….. No no NO NO NO! YOU STUPID PERSON YOU! I TOLD YOU TO NOT DO THAT! THAT THERE!!!! WHERE DID THEY FIND YOU??!!! A COMMUNITY COLLEGE????!!! YOUR MOM WOULD GIVE YOU AWAY TO SOME SMELLY HIPPIES IF SHE HAD A SECOND CHANCE!!!! THEY NEVER WOULD HAVE ADOPTED YOU!!!!…
Ok…I may have gone a little overboard there. I’m sorry. I apologize. Well, I hope you enjoyed your first day. It only goes up from here!!! Also, the toilets are broken so you’ll have to go outside. See ya around!!!
What a tragic tale huh? Well, that’s all for now.
SPECIAL MESSAGE: I am thinking about doing a special blog. A character study of myself. In doing so, I will need to research. So I will be asking people what they think when they think of me or what they tell someone who has never met me about me. So I may be asking you! If you wish to volunteer yourself, then please email me. I would like all kinds of people, including the people who have never actually met me but have talked to me through emails and such to people who see me everyday or at least once a week. Keep in mind that if you do help me with this, I will use your first name in the actual post. If you’re not cool with it, then let me know and I won’t use it. Also be aware that I will post what you actually say, but I will also be twisting it to suit my needs. Thank you.
In an effort to let my readers feel more connected to me, I told everyone at the start of this blog that I would be more personal. Recently, someone asked me a question that I had never been asked before. They asked me “why do funny guys want to stop being funny?”. I like to think of myself as “having a sense of humor” so I feel like an expert in this area. So let me count you the ways.
Yes, women. The opposite sex often dictates how we carry ourselves and/or the changes we make. We want to impress them or to make them notice us. So what do you do if you aren’t hot? Aren’t at least sort of ok looking? You grow your personality. One aspect of personality is having a sense of humor. I was in the sixth grade when I realized I had a gift. I was sitting in class when the teacher asked a question. Without thinking I raised my hand and said something sarcastic and slightly cynical. That’s when a star was born.
I didn’t have much luck with the ladies in school (I have even less luck now). I was relieved to find out I had a sense of humor. I was blessed with my shrekness (or my non jewish jonah hill look likeness) in middle school. It was because of this I knew I had to use what I thought was my best attribute: my humor. And it did work somewhat. I wouldn’t say I was overly popular (I am still bothered by not being elected class clown) but enough people found me humorous enough that I’d say I was middle ground popular.
But how does this relate to women? Well you see, women have always been this unobtainable thing for me. Kind of like my Noah’s ark or my Holy Grail. I have had the pleasure of some girls finding me somewhat ok enough to hang out with. They really enjoyed my humor. But guess what? That’s all I was wanted for. My humor was a blessing and a curse. The blessing was that I found something that I felt I was good at and made me feel somewhat ok about myself. The curse was that because of my humor and personality, I would forever be put into the friend only category. That dreaded zone full of nerdy glasses wearing men and butchish short haired women. My combination of hilarity and being actually nice works against me.
So why do funny guys sometimes stop being as funny? Reason number one is because it almost always automatically puts us into a category of which there is no escape.
2. The need to sometimes be taken seriously.
This is the other major reason why guys don’t want to always be known as the funny guy. Everyone wants to be taken seriously on some things. I use my humor a lot of the times to make points or observations (if you’re a loyal reader of this blog then you know this already). I had noticed that while people did enjoy my company, most did not even care to know what I thought about things. Most people just assumed I didn’t have an opinion on things that were on a deeper level. While I understand making jokes can give off that stigma, I like to think that if you have the ability you can make jokes that are deep and multi-layered.
My brand of humor can turn off some people. I get that. I accept that. Not everyone thinks the same way I do, and for that we should all be grateful. But just because I make jokes doesn’t mean that I do not have opinions. Actually, a select few people know that I can be quite deep in my thoughts. I do admit that I do purposely keep some aspects of that away from people, it is also the already made up minds of others who only see the surface of what I have to offer, and they don’t really feel like there is anything else there. I myself do the same thing with other people. But this blog post is to try to help you to understand why sometimes funny guys just don’t feel like being funny.
3. I’m going to end this third reason with a quote. Before I do, let me point out that I do enjoy making people laugh. Even though I have never done hard drugs (surprising I know), to me there is nothing that gives you a bigger high then when you are just rolling out jokes and people are responding with laughter. But, my humor is only a small aspect of me. Sometimes it overpowers everything else I am. I get that. I’m overly humorous. My wit is quick and sharp like a cheetah holding katana swords. If you ever wonder why a guy just stops being funny, there’s a good chance he hasn’t really stopped. He just feels like he’s being pigeon holed into a category. Besides, we know amazing humor gets you all the ladies…oh wait….
The award winning documentary Animal House said it best and I will end this post with this quote.
“fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life.”
I am asked occasionally if I am a bitter man. The short answer is yes. The long answer is yessssssssssssssssssssssss. What makes me bitter you ask? Well, let me count the ways.
1. Other people’s happiness. Yes, I know I should be happy for them. And I am to an extent. They’ve made it to where they are suppose to be at this point and time while I apparently have not. Is it jealousy? No. I’m just upset that they are happy and I am not.
2. People in relationships. Of course this one will make me bitter. I couldn’t find a date if I paid for one. Other people sneeze and find someone it seems. Yes, I am glad for them. Do I believe that God is somehow against me finding someone and wants me to be alone forever? Short answer…yes. Long answer…I don’t actually know but it does appear to be that way.
Do I feel the need to pass my bitterness on to other people. No. do I get a certain thrill from it? Perhaps. Perhaps indeed.
I am really glad that some people have everything going for them. That’s all fine and dandy. But I really don’t need to have that shoved into my face. Just let me build my little bitter house for my little bitter self filled with little bitter furniture. Then I’ll have a little bitter tea party and invite all my little bitter friends to show up, which of course they won’t cause they have better things to do, thus forcing me to become even more bitter.