You are currently browsing the monthly archive for July 2008.
How can one be happy when things are looking dim financially? Here are some simple things that will do just that.
1. Make a lot of money somehow.
2. Make more money after doing that.
3. Once money is made, then make even more money.
4. Find something you are good at. Then use that to make money.
Six People who deserve to be kicked in the face
1. Mariah Carey: if only to shut her up.
2. Nicholas Cage: His lack of facial expressions alone deserve this.
3. Paris Hilton: even though she has fallen off the radar a bit, she still deserves it for pretending she had talent.
4. Toby Keith: Do I even need to explain this one?
5. Rolling Stone Magazine political writers: I don’t really know their names even though I get the magazine. The reason being I don’t care. Please give me you’re review of the next Bright Eyes album, but forgive me if I wish to not read about how much you’d enjoy licking the ground that Barack Obama walked on and on how old and terrible John McCain is. And why do I not care? Because it’s only a matter of time before the Rolling Stone magazine thinks it’s bigger then what it is and can think it’s something more than an entertainment magazine. Oh wait…
6. PETA members: Do they not realize how great chickens taste?
Things that show the author of the blog was running out of ideas
1. You can sense the boredom in his words.
2. He makes a blog post with stupid lists.
3. He mentions that he makes a blog with stupid lists twice in a list.
While I do recognize that this blog post was completely stupid, I also will point out that without your vote I will become nothing more than a guy who cradles himself and wishes he just had someone to spoon with. Okay so I’m already that, but still the point is vote for this post over at http://humor-blogs.com/.
Not only will be you saying that you love me, but you’ll also be saying that even when I post a blog that is complete crap that you will support it. And that, my friends, is true loyalty.
Tennessee, the volunteer state. From the majestic mountains to the place where the white guy who made black music ok for teenagers to listen to died on the toilet.
Tennessee’s name comes from the Cherokee Indians. It got it’s start when the chief of the Cherokee saw a beautiful white woman. He couldn’t think of what to say, so asked her if she was from Tennessee. When she denied the allegations, he replied that she was the only ten he saw. Thus not only did Tennessee get it’s name, the first pick up line was born.
Like many of the other states near Tennessee, it has weather like a woman, it can never decide what to do. Am I right guys? Guys???
There was once this huge storm, but it sort of covered the whole area. Tennessee felt a little left out so it decided to join in and declare that it had really low temperatures during that time. Tennessee residents were forced to put on an extra blanket.
-The Great Smokey Mountains. Come and see the beautiful mountains, stay to see the residents in the rural mountains see a book for the very first time.
-Dollywood. It took everything within me to not supply you with a Dolly Parton boob joke. I am trying to run a mature website here………but wow, how are those comfortable? It’s like she was stung and they became swollen…
-Graceland. This is where Elvis lived, ate, slept, ate some more, did a comeback schedule, then ate some more, then died. Many 45 to 55 year olds flock to this site to remember their good ole’ days of rebellion, when they went against their parents and wore skirts that went up to their knee caps and listened to that blasted devil music, otherwise known as Elvis and Buddy Holly.
-1780: West North Carolina and East North Carolina have an argument. West North Carolina got mad and went to it’s room, drawing a line in permanent marker that North Carolina cannot cross. Thus Tennessee was born. Tennessee and North Carolina still hang out sometimes, though their conversations are mainly filled with many awkward silences and some slight swearing.
-1838: The Cherokee Indians are uprooted. They are promised that if they go, they’ll get a new sharpened stick. Many Cherokee to this day have not received their sharpened stick, but many do not care since they are getting their jollies by watching the white man come to their casinos and push themselves ever closer to a divorce and suicide.
-1920: Tennessee became the 36th state to ratify the Amendment that gave women the right to vote. Causing many Tennessee residents to declare “Tennessee has women?”
Off Whites: 20%
Guys hoping to be the next Brooks and Dunn: 43%
People who claim that “the volunteer state” is a good nickname: 33%
Memphis: The home of something….something has to be there…come on think…I really should of actually done research for this.
Nashville: Where country music lives and where your dog dies, your tractor breaks down, and you push all your friends away with your alcoholism.
85% are able to read
19% think Garth Brooks should be President
-Tennessee doesn’t actually even exist. It’s a figment of your imagination.
-Tennessee is the only state in which you can never find a signal for your cell phone.
-Tennessee claims that even though it’s nickname is “The Volunteer State” that does not mean you can take advantage of it.
-Tennessee is actually a really big fan of the Johnnyism blog, and you aren’t going to let Tennessee be better than you now are you? ARE YOU???
-in a sworn statement at a Tennessee police department, Johnny signed a sworn affidavit claiming that he did indeed not actually know anything about the state of Tennessee and that he’s never even read a book before.
Al Gore: tried to be president once, now spends his free time pretending to save the universe from a more tropical climate.
Morgan Freeman: Hi. My name is Morgan Freeman. I got a cool voice that reminds everyone of documentaries. I’m a better actor than Samuel L. Jackson. Without me, there would be no March of the Penguins.
Miley Cyrus: the fifteen year old with questionable judgment that your 11 year old daughter likes to imitate.
Elvis: The one man who single handedly went against the “man” by shaking his hips. Not only did he invent music, but he is credited with improving race relations. He actually freed the slaves. See Also: Eminem
If you turn this statue on it’s head, you can almost hear the ocean.
This man is soley responsible for how great race relations are right now.
3 out of 4 residents of Tennessee are involved in a country music band. If you are not, you are considered scum and not allowed to vote.
Some think that this is a photo of a football game. Actually, it’s a photo of a riot at a Shania Twain concert. It’s just a coincidence that there are people wearing orange football jerseys.
This is what most people from Tennessee swear by. Most residents swear that if this did not exist, then they would move. Or probably just eat a different brand of ice cream.
If you somewhat enjoyed this blog, then please feel free to vote for it over at http://humor-blogs.com/
By doing so, you admit freely that you are a good person.
In this post, we will examine sound bites from the media when they were covering both Presidential candidates over the past few days.
“OH MY GOD!!! HE JUST WALKED ON WATER!!!!!
“Did you see that? No way. The camera just caught a… yep. I just checked it. There’s this slight halo around his head.”
“HOLY COW IN A U2 VIDEO!!! DID YOU JUST SEE WHAT I SAW?? OBAMA JUST TOOK DOWN ALL COMMUNISM WITH A 5 MINUTE SPEECH!!!”
“I just got lost in his eyes…”
“I want to have his children.”
“MAN ALIVE!! HOLY SPOON RUNNING AWAY WITH A SHOVEL!!! HE JUST FOUGHT OFF 156 NINJAS BY HIMSELF USING JUST A SOFT SHELLED TACO WITH SOUR CREAM!!! HE IS THE REASON I’M LIVING!!!”
*The quotes in all caps have more meaning if you yell them while reading*
“So Senator McCain, we’ve heard your statement on…Senator McCain? Great.. he fell asleep again.”
If you enjoyed this post, then please do the entire free world a favor and go and vote for it on http://humor-blogs.com/, or by clicking on the link for the humor-blog site which is listed in my blogroll. By doing so, not only do you save a nation, but you save me from another night of crying myself to sleep while sobbing about how alone I am.
Has the upcoming election confused you? Don’t really know who to vote for? Do you feel yourself wondering what each candidate stands for? Have no fear my faithful reader, for I will tell you a little something about each candidate. This is where to come if you are an undecided voter.
NAME: Barack Obama
NICKNAME: Barackie Boy, Mr. Suit and Tie, Sweet Cheeks
POLITICAL PARTY: Democrat
MARITAL STATUS: Married. To a woman even.
long walks on the beach, romantic candle lit dinners, scooters, the word “subliminal”, all three Shrek movies, Bruce Springsteen, the part in The Wizard of Oz that is in color, freeze tag, a cold refreshing Sprite, slowly letting America know he’s inexperienced.
old people, books, Quantum Leap, blondes, women, blonde women, anyone with the last name Clinton, blonde women with the last name Clinton.
IF ELECTED PRESIDENT, HE WILL:
-Bring American troops back home. We’ll need them for when we invade the next country on the list (I’m looking at you, Iran)
-make health care affordable for those who could afford it.
-increase the minimum wage, thus raising the amount of money it takes to be considered poor.
-invade anywhere with global warming, since it is the real terrorist threat.
-make it so that every television station will run at least one commercial per half hour that shows how great Barack Obama is.
NUMBER OF FLIP FLOPS PER MONTH: 42
heat vision, super speed, flight, the ability to adapt and to say whatever pleases the group he just happens to be standing in front of, a really sweet looking cape.
NAME: John McCain
NICKNAME: Cranky, Slow Poke, That One Guy From The Movie “Grumpy Old Men”
AGE: 72 (Mr. McCain wishes to inform the public that age is just a number)
POLITICAL PARTY: Republican
MARITAL STATUS: Has been married twice, once to his wife now, and once more back when he was involved in a love triangle with Queen Elizabeth and Sir Walter Raleigh.
Matlock, Werther’s Originals, hard candy, social security, Medicare, pain medication, music before guitars were invented, driving 25 mph below the speed limit, Roy Rogers, Hardee’s breakfast, senior citizen discounts, waking up at 5:30 A.M.
Young people on his lawn, change, noise, music with drums, Vietnam, anyone with their original teeth, chewy food, 9:00 P.M, people not remembering the good ole’ days.
IF ELECTED PRESIDENT, HE WILL:
-Defeat Terrorism. With his bare hands that he can’t raise above his head.
-Get rid of Rated R movies.
-Declare that everyone must own an “I Love My Grandpa” shirt.
-lower health costs on prostate exams.
-make 72 years old the new 40.
NUMBER OF FLIP FLOPS PER MONTH: 63
yelling at young people, super strength, hip with the ability to break, supporting our troops while pointing out how no one else is, can take his teeth in and out of his own mouth.
NAME: Johnny Townsend
NICKNAME: Shrekness, Bud, That Weird Guy Who Keeps Staring at Me
POLITICAL PARTY: He represents all of America
MARITAL STATUS: Single, oh so very single…
America, chicken, girls who say they like him but only as a friend, basketball, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Jesse Jackson and his witty sayings, saving kittens stuck in trees, saving babies stuck in trees, being a people person, pretending to be President and learning how to handle being blamed for everything, Ford Mustangs, fast cars, fast women, slow women, smart women, dumb women, women with little or no standards, desperate women…(EDITORS NOTE: this goes on like this for another five or six lines, so I will fast forward it)….and blue women like on Star Trek
anyone who hates America, guns (unless you like guns then he does too), criminals, Nicholas Cage movies, Nickelback songs, Jesse Jackson and his witty sayings, Chinese checkers, he hates everything that you hate, unless you like that thing he hates, which in that case he likes it too…or hates it….wait did you say you liked it or hated it cause he totally agrees with you.
IF HE IS ELECTED PRESIDENT, HE WILL:
-end world hunger
-make bad movies the new source of fuel, thus ending our gasoline crises by replacing it with a never ending source.
-he will end the pain women feel during child birth
-he will follow you to school and beat up those bullies who have been bothering you
-he swears to stop hurricanes in their tracks
-promises to rid the world of any movie that includes the words “Traveling Pants.”
-will replace the wheel with the triangle
-promises to acknowledge that he has no experience, but more than makes up for that with intelligence.
-promises to admit that he’s no intelligent.
NUMBER OF FLIP FLOPS PER MONTH: he claims to only wear tennis shoes that are made by 8 year old Korean children just like every other American.
is a lot like Batman, minus the cool gadgets and skills and athletic ability, can leap tall pebbles in a single bound, his superb jumping ability allows him to complete many lay ups, thus allowing him to dominate any WNBA game.
There you have it. You’re three presidential candidates. Hopefully this little cheat sheet will help you in your decision.
On another note, I have been allowed to join the website http://humor-blogs.com/. This website lets you see a wide collection of humorous blogs. It also allows you to rank them. I am not above asking you to vote for me, since I could really use anything that could be construed as a small victory. So please go to that site (the link is on the side in my Blogroll). With your help, I can go from being ranked 796th overall to 782nd.
I thought I would end this helpful blog with a picture of the third candidate, Johnny Townsend, in action at a recent rally in Hickory, North Carolina.
A few days ago, Jesse Jackson did something that brought me to a realization. While talking about Barack Obama, Jesse Jackson said that he would “cut his n_ts out.” While most jumped on it as an attack on a presidential candidate, I got something else out of it. Jesse Jackson, a reverend, said a word that some consider crude. What this means is that the bag is open. I can now say words that refer to the cr_tch region. What are some other sayings that are now considered ok to say? I have listed them below.
“I will kick you in the n_ts.”
“France doesn‘t have any b_lls.”
“I think something is wrong with my t_sticles.”
So thank you Rev. Jackson. You have opened up a new chapter of what is now acceptable language. Thanks to you, I can now use different words that refer to my man n_ggets. It’s good to know that I’ll never go wrong if I use people like Jesse Jackson as my role model.
Today on yahoo, I saw a report on Eddie Murphy movies. The main point of the story was that even though his last ten or so movies have been critical duds, they have still done very well at the box office. That is until this past weekend. His last movie, “Meet Dave,” bombed. Not only did it bomb, but it bombed like it was London during World War II. So, in what I feel is a public service I am about to perform, I am going to share with you this open letter I wrote to Eddie Murphy himself.
Dear. Mr. Eddie Murphy,
Hello Mr. Murphy. My name is Johnny. I run a semi-below average in popularity blog known as Johnnyism. I’m sure you’ve maybe heard of it. I want to start off with saying how much I enjoy your work Mr. Murphy. You have glimpses of comedic genius. I could not picture anyone else doing the voice of donkey in the Shrek movies. But Mr. Murphy, it’s time to pull yourself together. Your last handful of movies have been..well…they’ve been worse than being forced to watch a full season of The OC. So for your benefit, I am going to list you a few reasons why your star has fallen so very far.
1. You insist on doing movies in which you play numerous characters.
At first this was sort of cool. It was rare. Heck, it was sort of comical. But then you did it again. And again. And again. I half expect that if I am ever invited to meet your family Mr. Murphy, then I would only meet you and you in eight different costumes. You have the ability to be funny without dressing up like a woman. Leave that for the British.
2. All your movies are “family” movies.
Most of your movies lately could be considered either family movies or movies geared toward teenagers. Anyone that tells me they enjoyed Norbit I automatically loose a touch of respect for. And it’s not you Mr. Murphy. I like you. I just don’t like the stuff you’re making this decade. You have so much talent and you waste it. If you’re going to do a family movie, do one that’s actually funny and smart. While I will admit to sort of liking Dr. Doolittle and Daddy Day Care, I don’t own those movies on DVD and I feel quite all right with that.
3. You seem to choose money over movie
I dunno if this is true, but to me it seems that you, Mr. Murphy, choose movies that will probably make you some money. But what happened to taking a chance? You have enough money now that you could afford to. You could be an amazing actor for all I know. But how would anyone know with the movie choices you are making. Look at Robin Williams. Sure he has done some over the top comedies. But he’s also done some stuff that shows he can act (see the movie “One Hour Photo”). Same with Jim Carrey. I know you have that in you Mr. Murphy. You can do good comedy. It doesn’t even have to be rated R comedy. You are powerful enough that you can make your own choices as to what movies you get involved with. So why Norbit and why Meet Dave?
So you see Mr. Murphy, I just worry about you. You have so much talent yet don’t use it. Please do not waste what was given to you.
So that was my letter to Eddie Murphy. I have faith in him. I know he can make a great movie. He has that ability.
Also today, President Bush lifted the executive ban on offshore oil drilling. This is a response to the rising gas prices. Don’t you love how presidents always seem to actually accomplish things in the last year of their presidency? Maybe we should change it to one year terms so things would get done. Now am I saying that by lifting this ban that it would solve everything? Oh no. But it’s a step. He has put the pressure on the democrats, who have yet to give a concrete answer on why congress won’t lift their own ban. Now, I rarely come out and write on here my own views on politics. That’s not my area of expertise. I’d just be giving you my opinion on things that you’d either agree or disagree with. With that being said, what would opening up drilling there hurt? I know the environmentalists are up in arms over it. Claiming that it will hurt the environment and coastal areas. There has never been a major disaster involving oil over water. Ever.
EDITORS NOTE: The author wishes you to overlook the Exxon Valdez incident.
So the real question is apparent. Are we willing to risk the lives of thousands of innocent penguins and fish to drill for oil so we can drive to Wendy’s to get a jr. bacon cheeseburger? The answers is yes. Now, don’t get me wrong. I love penguins. But if they come between me and my vanilla frosty, then I say put all those cute little butlers in peril. We must drill. For if we do not take every precaution necessary to ensure that we will always have gasoline, then there will come a day when there will be no more gas, and we will no longer be able to enjoy Wendy’s delicious new milkshakes.
So today you had it all. You had my plea to Eddie Murphy to start making better movies. And you had my very small report on the President opening the ban on drilling. Now for those of you who are fans of my ongoing series Getting To Know The States, do not fret. They will continue from time to time. Is there a state you wish for me to tackle next that I haven’t already? Let me know.
THIS BLOG WAS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WENDY’S. It’s waaaaay better than fast food.
Big ole’ Texas. The Lone star state. The largest state in the United States (if you don’t count Alaska, something Texas refuses to do). The state flag is red with a huge belt buckle in the center of it. The state where everyone loves BBQ, but no one can spell it.
The state of Texas was named after the country music singer Tex Ritter. I have no actual solid evidence to back this claim up, but you should still believe me since it saves you the trouble of actually trying to look something up. Have I steered you wrong yet?
AUTHOR NOTE: This is a rhetorical question.
CLIMATETexas is hot. See how easy this is?
-Texas is subject to flooding. Texas says it doesn’t care though, since it’s so big it can handle it.
-Dallas Tornado outbreak. A deadly tornado outbreak that killed people and some cowboys.
-Dick Cheney shoots man in the side of the head. He claims it was an accident, saying he thought the guy was a deer. When pressed for more details, Dick Cheney shoots all the reporters in the room in the face.
-Texas has many interesting tourist attractions. If you don’t believe Texas, it says to tell that to it in person, you yellow bellied coward.
-The Alamo. Where a handful of men tried to go against a whole army of Mexicans. This great battle is reenacted today in the immigration courts. This is also the resting place of Davey Crockett, who’s only claim to fame was that he wore the best raccoon hat ever made.
-Seaworld. Yeah, I didn’t know Texas had one of these either. Most of the attractions here are no bigger than goldfish, due to the quickly evaporating waters.
Early Years: Texas was a part of Mexico. Americans were kidnapped and you couldn’t drink the water. Most of the residents spent their time thinking of ways of getting to America, where they can get a decent job picking oranges.
1861: Texas was accepted as a state. The United States thought if it just accepted Texas for who it was, then maybe it would stop picking on them.
1800s to early 1900s: Texas goes through a rough period of violence. Most historians believe this is due to their jeans being to tight.
1950s: Texas attempts to improve it’s education. It now proudly boasts that it’s smarter then Arkansas.
Have never seen a tennis shoe: 25%
Believe John Wayne was a prophet: 63%
Have seen Tall In The Saddle: 85%
Believe that if you haven’t seen Tall In The Saddle then you’re queer: 65%
Dallas: Known for it’s huge airport. No one has cared about Dallas ever since it was revealed who shot J.R.
San Antonio: The capital city. San Antonio is brought to you by Levi jeans. If you are caught wearing another brand, you will be shot in the head. In a related fact, the roads of San Antonio are made out of corpses.
Houston: A good listener. Everyone will tell you how easy it is to tell Houston that you have a problem.
EDITORS NOTE: the author of this blog wishes for the loyal readers to know that he is not above making those jokes that make you groan because they are so terribly bad
Are literate: 15%
Use books as target practice: 99%
-Since everything is bigger in Texas, the other states believe Texas to be compensating for something.
– Most Texans are quick to point out that although Broke Back Mountain was superbly acted, that is not how they do things in Texas.
-Every 6.8 seconds, someone in Texas spits tobacco into a large spittoon.
-Texas regularly threatens to leave the United States and become it’s own country. It would totally do it too. It just needs a small loan from you and some furniture you’re not using.
-Texas is home to Dell and Compaq. This influenced the Texas state motto, “A connection to the server could not be established.”
-George Bush: His son became president. That’s all I really know about him.
-Gene Roddenberry: Not only did he create Star Trek, he created an instrument that thousands of 30 year old men will use to keep them in their parents’ basement. Widely considered a gateway drug to other nerdcotics such as Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, and online computer roleplaying games.
-Patrick Swayze: Killed in 1990, he was famous for coming back as a ghost and helping Demi More make a clay pot.
-insert country music singer’s name here: many country music artists were born in Texas. Something I will never forgive Texas for.
This is the average size for a Texan. Most Texans claim it to be a curse, however. Stating that it’s really difficult to find jeans their size.
The alamo. That patch of grass in the front of it is the only grass located in the entire state of Texas.
You are required by law to wear these in Texas.
The governor of Texas. Known for being a people person and for his slow motion roundhouse kicks.
These useful tools have brought peace and harmony to the state of Texas.
Rhode Island is the United States smallest state. This is actually the only thing you ever need to know about it. You should actually go back and read about a different state. Go on, I wouldn’t blame you. The one on Kentucky is pretty good.
Ok really? You actually want to know where the name for Rhode Island came from? You’re doing this for a school project aren’t you? Alright fine. I’ll tell you. The name came from some guy who wanted to call it “red island.” They ended up changing the name after deciding the color red was just to violent.
No one actually knows since the state is not large enough to be inhabited.
Nothing major has ever happened to Rhode Island. Most storms just don’t have the heart to destroy something so small. Rhode Island just looks so cute standing there, pretending to be a grown up.
Rhode Island doesn’t have many. No one ever has time to stop due to the fact that the entire state is one car length long.
1776: Rhode Island was the first colony to declare for independence from Great Britain. Rhode Island is still upset by the fact that no one really cared until Massachusetts declared independence themselves. Rhode Island is also angered by the fact that Massachusetts still gives it noogies after all these years.
1790: Rhode Island ushered in the industrial revolution. This ended hundreds of years of suffering by African Americans by starting a new era of suffering inside factories making items they themselves could not afford.
1812: Rhode Island refused to participate in the War of 1812. What Rhode Island didn’t realize was that it was never asked to.
1910: The population of Rhode Island reaches 540,000. No one knows how they all fit in there.
Rhode Island is made up of thousands of people from all creeds who wish their state was someone else.
African American: They’re just there to crash on the couch for a few days.
People Who Like Numbers: 15%
People Who Believe The Simpsons stopped being funny ten seasons ago: 54%
You’re kidding right?
100% read about their states own importance
100% become depressed afterwards
Rhode Islanders enjoy traveling. This is easier for them since they can get from one side of the state to the other in just under five minutes.
-the first open golf tournament was held in Rhode Island. The first golfer hit his ball into another state. This is not as impressive as it sounds, since he only hit it a little under 100 yards.
– if you ask someone from Rhode Island about their state, they will tell you that Rhode Island is pretty much a living historical museum. When pressed for details, Rhode Islanders will then tell you they said that just so they’d feel important.
– Portsmouth was the first town established by a woman. This angered most men since that meant that she had not cooked dinner yet.
James Woods: apparently he is some sort of actor. I had to really reach to find famous people from Rhode Island.
Seth MacFarlene: known for making the animated comedy show Family Guy. Family Guy takes place in Rhode Island, making it the only thing to ever make the state remotely entertaining.
Unknown Person: I’m sure there will be more famous people from Rhode Island. So this is a place holder for that next person.
You have now seen the entire state of Rhode Island.
Oh this is James Woods. I think I’ve seen this guy in some things, though I can’t quite place it.
This cell phone is only slightly larger then the state of Rhode Island.