Big ole’ Texas. The Lone star state. The largest state in the United States (if you don’t count Alaska, something Texas refuses to do). The state flag is red with a huge belt buckle in the center of it. The state where everyone loves BBQ, but no one can spell it.

 

  

WHERE DOES THE NAME COME FROM

 

The state of Texas was named after the country music singer Tex Ritter. I have no actual solid evidence to back this claim up, but you should still believe me since it saves you the trouble of actually trying to look something up. Have I steered you wrong yet?

AUTHOR NOTE: This is a rhetorical question.

 

 CLIMATETexas is hot. See how easy this is?

 

 

MAJOR DISASTERS

 

-Texas is subject to flooding. Texas says it doesn’t care though, since it’s so big it can handle it.

-Dallas Tornado outbreak. A deadly tornado outbreak that killed people and some cowboys.

-Dick Cheney shoots man in the side of the head. He claims it was an accident, saying he thought the guy was a deer. When pressed for more details, Dick Cheney shoots all the reporters in the room in the face.

 

 

  

TOURIST ATTRACTIONS

 

 -Texas has many interesting tourist attractions. If you don’t believe Texas, it says to tell that to it in person, you yellow bellied coward.

-The Alamo. Where a handful of men tried to go against a whole army of Mexicans. This great battle is reenacted today in the immigration courts. This is also the resting place of Davey Crockett, who’s only claim to fame was that he wore the best raccoon hat ever made.

-Seaworld. Yeah, I didn’t know Texas had one of these either. Most of the attractions here are no bigger than goldfish, due to the quickly evaporating waters.

 

 

HISTORY

 

  Early Years: Texas was a part of Mexico. Americans were kidnapped and you couldn’t drink the water. Most of the residents spent their time thinking of ways of getting to America, where they can get a decent job picking oranges.

1861: Texas was accepted as a state. The United States thought if it just accepted Texas for who it was, then maybe it would stop picking on them.

1800s to early 1900s: Texas goes through a rough period of violence. Most historians believe this is due to their jeans being to tight.

1950s: Texas attempts to improve it’s education. It now proudly boasts that it’s smarter then Arkansas.

 

 

PERCENTAGES:

 

White: 99%

Cowboys: 55%

Have never seen a tennis shoe: 25%

Believe John Wayne was a prophet: 63%

Have seen Tall In The Saddle: 85%

Believe that if you haven’t seen Tall In The Saddle then you’re queer: 65%

 

 

 

MAJOR CITIES

 

Dallas: Known for it’s huge airport. No one has cared about Dallas ever since it was revealed who shot J.R.

San Antonio: The capital city. San Antonio is brought to you by Levi jeans. If you are caught wearing another brand, you will be shot in the head. In a related fact, the roads of San Antonio are made out of corpses.

Houston: A good listener. Everyone will tell you how easy it is to tell Houston that you have a problem.

EDITORS NOTE: the author of this blog wishes for the loyal readers to know that he is not above making those jokes that make you groan because they are so terribly bad

 

 

 

EDUCATION

 

Are literate: 15%

Use books as target practice: 99%

 

 

STATE AND FUN FACTS

 

-Since everything is bigger in Texas, the other states believe Texas to be compensating for something.

– Most Texans are quick to point out that although Broke Back Mountain was superbly acted, that is not how they do things in Texas.

-Every 6.8 seconds, someone in Texas spits tobacco into a large spittoon.

-Texas regularly threatens to leave the United States and become it’s own country. It would totally do it too. It just needs a small loan from you and some furniture you’re not using.

-Texas is home to Dell and Compaq. This influenced the Texas state motto, “A connection to the server could not be established.”

 

 

FAMOUS TEXANS

 

-George Bush: His son became president. That’s all I really know about him.

-Gene Roddenberry: Not only did he create Star Trek, he created an instrument that thousands of 30 year old men will use to keep them in their parents’ basement. Widely considered a gateway drug to other nerdcotics such as Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, and online computer roleplaying games.

-Patrick Swayze: Killed in 1990, he was famous for coming back as a ghost and helping Demi More make a clay pot.

-insert country music singer’s name here: many country music artists were born in Texas.  Something I will never forgive Texas for.

 

 

 

This is the average size for a Texan.  Most Texans claim it to be a curse, however.  Stating that it’s really difficult to find jeans their size. 

 

The alamo.  That patch of grass in the front of it is the only grass located in the entire state of Texas.

 

You are required by law to wear these in Texas. 

 

The governor of Texas.  Known for  being a people person and for his slow motion roundhouse kicks.

 

These useful tools have brought peace and harmony to the state of Texas.

 

 

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