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The great state of Illinois.  Home of something….

 

Where the Name Comes From

Illinois got it’s name from the tribe of Native Americans called the Illini. They were known for their corn growing skills and their ability to hit jump shots. When the white man came, they taught them all they knew, thus keeping the white man useful in basketball.

 

 

Climate:

Since Illinois is a very long state, the weather varies depending upon where you are. Illinois once got into a fight with Ohio when Ohio famously asked the top of Illinois “how the weather was up there.”

 

 

Major Terrible Events:

The Great Chicago Fire (1871). This fire destroyed four square miles of Chicago. It was caused when Catherine O’Leary decided she would milk her cow without warming her hands. These cold hands caused the cow to kick in surprise, knocking over a lantern. This story is true in every aspect except for the part that involved anything with a cow or cold hands. Actually, in 1893 a reporter admitted that he made it up to make a more colorful story. He also admitted to making up the American Civil War, The Alamo, the 1985 Chicago Bears winning the championship, and man landing on the moon.

Winds: Chicago is known as the “windy city” causing many of it’s inhabitants to complain about having their hair ruined.

 

 

Tourist Attractions:

Everything to do in Illinois is in Chicago. If you go to anywhere else in the state, you risk internal boredom or even death by corn.

 

 

History:

1818: Illinois became the 21st state. The state decided it wouldn’t allow slavery, electing instead to become farmers themselves and make all their kids do all the work.

1908: Springfield race riot. A famous riot that began when someone made fun of Homer Simpson for having yellow skin. It lasted through three “doh’s,” two “eat my shorts” and four “don’t have a cow, man’s.”

1919: Chicago race riots. Thirty-eight people die, more than 500 are injured and nearly a thousand residents are left homeless proving that Chicago could do a race riot better than Springfield. This became the last thing that Chicago ever was better than someone else in.

1991: The Chicago Bulls start to win one of many NBA championships. It started Michael Jordan’s great career till he tarnished it with trying to play baseball and star in Space Jam with Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck.

 

 

PERCENTAGES:

65% Caucasian

42% African American

15% have never been to Chicago but heard it was really nice

27% really don’t like math.

 

 

Major Cities:

Springfield-yet another city that somehow becomes the capital even though it’s way less important than another city.

Chicago- some claim that Chicago is the only reason to keep Illinois around. Others claim even that reason isn’t good enough.

 

 

Education:

77% can read

55% think that reading is for suckers and would rather shoot a tommy gun.

 

 

Fun Facts:

-If Chicago were to become it’s own state, then the rest of Illinois would become useless.

-Chicago sports teams are known for their defense, their tenacity, and their ability to always come up short and let those who support them down.

-The first skyscraper was built in Chicago in 1885. Followed soon by the first crazy person to try to climb a skyscraper.

-In 1865 Illinois became the first state to ratify the 13th Amendment abolishing slavery. Many African American farm workers in Illinois celebrated by singing old hymns as they worked in the fields.

-The Illinois state dance is the square dance. Anyone caught doing it is also a square (This joke brought to you circa 1967).

-Nabisco has the world‘s largest cookie and cracker factory in Chicago. You can be arrested for calling someone a “cracker” as well as eating your Oreo Cookie in the wrong manner. One must twist and then pull to make sure there is cream on both sides of the cookie.

 

 

Famous Illinoisans:

Charlton Heston. An actor who was best known for wanting to shoot a gun more so than his own acting.

Bill Murray. Famous actor best known for the historical document Ghostbusters which was based on the true story of four heroes who saved New York from a giant walking marshmallow.

Walt Disney. This man created Mickey Mouse and Disney. He did this while also hating children and Jews, leaving him with precious little “me” time.

 

The home of many a fan’s shattered dreams.

 

If you look closely you can find Waldo.

 

You have just seen what the rest of the state of Illinois looks like.

 

After reaching a new population milestone, Chicago had to set up a new parking system.

 

After building the world’s largest bottle of ketchup, Illinois residents cursed themselves for not building the world’s largest french fry.

 

Mickey would go on to become just one of many Disney characters who would refuse to wear both a shirt and a pair of pants at the same time. 

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In an effort to make your news gathering easier, I have put this weeks most important stories in this post along with a short description of what it’s about, followed by a photo of said event. You’re welcome.

 

1. Georgia vs Russia

Russia decided this week that it was going to be a real party pooper on the Olympics. Russia invaded the country of Georgia this week (when pressed for comment, Paris Hilton stated “we must save Atlanta”). Russia claims to be doing this just for the fun of it. Georgia signed a cease fire agreement, which a Russian sniper promptly shot. When Georgia claims that Russia was going against it’s word when it said it would stop hostilities, Russia rebukes that it had it’s fingers crossed.

 

These Russian soldiers politely invite the Georgian motorists to play a game of chicken.

 

After being blown out of her house, this Georgian woman reaches for a pair of pants.

 

This Georgian woman grabs her child and sobs uncontrollably as the only Wal-Mart in Georgia crumbles down behind her.

 

2. Poland Allows the USA to Put Up Missile Shield

Poland and the United States are now bff’s. Poland will allow the United States to build part of their global missile Shield there. Russia seemed to not agree with this for some reason. Which prompted many, many jokes about how many Polacks does it take to build a Missile Shield.

 

After reaching the agreement, these two men quickly went to the back for more “intense” discussions. 

 

3. The Olympics In China

While Russia is enjoying itself by destroying peace, the Chinese were doing everything in their power to prove that they at least had the self control to not kill thousands of people while the world was watching. Currently the United States was leading in medals, while the Chinese under the age of 12 were winning all the golds. Michael Phelps has quickly become the stuff of legend, bringing many to ask if he’s the only person actually involved in the Olympics.

 

After losing to the United States Men’s basketball team, all the Chinese basketball players were executed (except for Yao Ming). 

 

A member of the Chinese Olympic Gymnastic Team.

 

All these medals were made with pride by the 5 year old chinese children who were forced to make them.

 

 

4. Bigfoot Found!

Two people claim to have the body of a dead Bigfoot in their freezer. The results of DNA testing revealed that it could either be a Bigfoot or just a really big opossum. Many people have claimed to have witnessed these big hairy mythical creatures. While most of these sightings just prove to be really tall Mexicans, others are unexplainable.

 

Charlton Heston resting in peace.

 

 

5. Chupacabra Caught On Tape!!

A Texas sheriff deputy filmed an odd looking creature that was running in front of his car. While mostly looking like a dog through most of the video, at one point the creature turns it’s head revealing an odd face with a longer than usual snout. Experts claim the video could either be of a fox/wolf combo animal or Barbara Streisand.

 

 

6. Jackson Browne Sues John McCain

Jackson Browne files a suit against McCain for using his song “Running on Empty” in his campaign. Browne states that by using his song it implies that he endorses John McCain. Jackson Browne has been well known as a lifelong liberal and being a supporter of social and economic justice. He is lesser known for his music.

 

That’s not a misprint.  That really does say the very best of Jackson Browne

I am now attempting to go 21 days without complaining. To do this, I have employed the services of a rubber band. Whenever I catch myself complaining, I will take the rubber band off one arm and put it on the other. However the rubber band pulls on the hairs on my arms and cuts off circulation. Also, the whole concept of not complaining is really icky and stupid.

How many days can I go? What? You don’t think I can go anytime without complaining? Why I tell you, you can’t count on anyone to have your back now a days. No one to believe in you. I’ll tell you what’s wrong with people today, today people (the editor: he complains like this for another paragraph so I will cut that out, though I’m sure I’ll hear about that).

We will see if I have what it takes not to complain. You also can’t gossip. This means I can no longer tell you how much it angers me that I won’t be able to talk about how much who Jessica Simpson is dating now upsets me. Stupid no complaining thing not letting me complain….

 

 

CHINA FACT #3

In China, they consider it an insult if you open your eyes up all the way. So if you’re over there, you must walk around and act like your eyes haven’t had any sleep for days.

Today I am going to make a huge announcement. I feel it is my duty to announce to you all that I, Johnny Townsend, have become a Scientologist.

I’ll let that shock hit you for a bit.

Now I suppose the question you are asking is “why?” I will tell you. Just for signing up to be a Scientologist, you get all this!!!

-They don’t judge you if you go insane.

-You get a free autographed picture of Tom Cruise.

-25% off at any Wal-Mart or Sam’s Club.

-30 free music downloads from Napster.

 

As you can tell, it’s easy to see why I would join up. All I had to do was to believe that a science fiction writer came up with a legitimate religion and set of beliefs. That was easy!

I will start this new religion after my duties are done this month at my current church. I don’t want to be put in an awkward situation with Christianity.

But why else did I decide to become a Scientologist? That’s easy. I really, really dig those Star Wars flicks.

Besides, if Scientology doesn’t work out for me I can always join the church of the Jedi.

 

Okay. I have a confession. I didn’t join the church of Scientology. I was going to go undercover and join their ranks just to better understand them and their foreign ways. That is until they told me how much it cost to join. Besides, that Hubbard dude was a weirdo. And not the good kind of weirdo like Dwight from The Office or Gonzo from the Muppet Babies. No, just a weirdo.

 

QUICK CHINESE FACT #2:  The chinese government have long had a reputation of being strict.  They have sense become more loose, especially on women’s rights.  The government officials now only point their guns at 44% of the women population.  I had a quick conversation with a chinese woman recently when I visited China.  Here is a small portion of that conversation.

ME: How much more free do you feel now that the Chinese government is allowing you to do more things?

WOMAN (she asked to not be identified, which is just fine since I couldn’t spell her name anyways): Yes I feel more free.  Now excuse me, I must go.  They have my family.

This is just a quick little note.  Everything in the media is apparently pro-Obama.  Now, while before I hadn’t completely made up my mind as to who i was going to waste my vote on, I have since done so.  I will be voting for you McCain.  Is it because I think he has a sense of humor and I identify with that?  Sort of.  But mainly it’s because I am so friggin sick and tired of reading nothing but amazing things that Obama did. 

The guy did not go to Iraq UNTIL it was brought up he hadn’t been.  Do you think he would of went if no one had thought to push that issue to the front?  No.  And do you think he did it to better understand the war issue or because he knew the press would eat it up like a starving Cuban who had been out in the ocean for months seeing his first real American buffet restaurant?  You decide.

It’s like when they overplay a song on the radio.  You like it at first but dang if it doesn’t get old till you just can’t stand the sound of it anymore.  That’s the reason why the band Creed died.  Barack Obama is the political version of Creed.  There, I said it. 

Guess what?  I don’t even hate Obama.  If he gets elected I’m not going to move out of the country or anything (mainly due to me being lazy, which really just makes me more American).  The media believes that Obama craps out stools of 15 karat gold.  If you even try to criticize anything Obama says then apparently you’re a terrible person.  They look at you like you have just kicked a small orphaned child. 

 

No Mr. Obama, I do not hate you.  Actually I think you’d be cool to shoot some hoops with.  But the media has turned me against you.  Why can’t a news channel actually just report the news without any sort of opinion or political slant to it?  Is it impossible to give unbiased reports?  I wouldn’t mind it if they were upfront about it.  I fully admit that this site is my ramblings of stupidity.  So why not admit that you’re politically slanted media?  Hmmmm….

 

NOTE:  This could change if the media suddenly decides to back John Mccain.

The contest is now over. Trevor and I couldn’t make it a single week with being positive. We were going so strong too. For a minute there I believed we had a chance. But what brought our downfall? It was a combination of things.

1. My associate and other best friend decided she was going to test me. Which set up her saying some of these quotes..

 

“He has a bunch of small facial hairs”

(referring to my inability to grow a full awesome chin beard)

“You’re dumb.”

(while she never actually said this, it was implied on a number of occasions)

 

2. The night at the movie theater……

So we were at the movies. After the movie, we were in the parking lot at our cars talking before we left. That’s when someone spotted something on the ground. This is how that conversation went…

MANDY: What’s that?

ME: A leaf.

TREVOR: Yea what is that?

CASEY: (while bending down to get a closer look) I’m not sure.

ME: Looks like a small dead rodent.

TREVOR: I can smell it.

ME: I think it’s like a rat or something? (looking down at it)

MANDY: Don’t touch it!

ME: I’m not going to. (I proceed to kick it around a little to see if I can figure it out)

 

It happened to be a tampon.  In my and Trevor’s defense, it was quite furry looking so how were we suppose to know?

 

3. Work.

Work played a key role in destroying my positive outlook for the week. It seems that if you have an old woman curse you out and you look into it and find out she’s actually right and that it’s actually your fault it really destroys the positive. I had never wanted to karate chop an old woman in the throat so badly before.

 

4. Last night.

A few friends came over. The plan was to play Rock Band. While we did eventually do that, we also decided to try some game where you answer questions on a card and people try to guess which answer is yours. This was a sign that things were going downhill. While I wish I was able to quote all the things Trevor and I wrote down, I won’t be able to since this is a PG-13 blog I run. But here are a few examples.

Q: What’s one word that would describe how you eat?

My Answer: D*mn!

Q: What’s the worst feeling in the world?

My Answer: When the rope burns against your neck.

Q: What allows you to sleep at night?

My Answer: The thought that I could die the next day.

Q: Name an activity that brings you joy.

My Answer: CENSORED.

*Trevor’s answers were also as negative and cynical.*

This was heavily edited for your protection and mine. It was also how our contest was ended. As you can see, the attempt to stay positive had died. Cynicism ruled the air. So I am sorry for letting you all down. Or am I? probably not.

IN OTHER NEWS…..

I don’t actually have any news here. I just wanted to take this moment to proclaim how annoying the presidential race has gotten. It has gotten more annoying than your girlfriend not calling you, ignoring you, not admitting that you’re her boyfriend, closing her blinds when she sees you in the bushes, and not getting rid of that obnoxious restraining order.

When the least annoying person in the presidential race is Paris Hilton, then something is wrong. Something is really wrong.

The contest has begun!!! Today, Trevor and I decided that we would begin the contest of the ages! We shall see who can last a week without making one negative remark toward ourselves or each other. I was on the verge of beating myself with the handle of a shotgun but I reframed since I had decided to have a contest that involved being positive.

Today was easy since it was day 1. The real test will be Wednesday and the weekend when we are around each other. Who do you think will win? Place your bets!

Stay tuned to Johnnyism for updates!

Also on a side note, Paris Hilton’s mom was outraged at the McCain group for using her daughter’s likeness in a political ad. I will now point out that she did not say a thing when her daughter’s likeness was used in a best selling sex video. Or when her daughter was just being a complete stuck up ignorant bag of hoe-ness.

The Olympics are also coming soon.  This year they are in the great country of China (the Chinese government politely asked me to say that at gunpoint).  To get you prepared for this fantastic event, I will tell you a little something about China in the upcoming posts, starting with this one. 

Below you will see a pie chart that shows the leading exports of China.

The uproar this week was over this political ad. In the ad it appeared as if John McCain had compared Barack Obama to Britney Spears and Paris Hilton. And since humor is not something the democrats (and most republicans) can claim to understand, I shall explain to them what this ad means.

You see, by comparing Barack Obama to these two ladies, it is implied that he is in fact a young white woman. If you’ve seen Barack Obama then you know this to be in fact possibly maybe not that true.

I can neither confirm nor deny that Barack Obama Is indeed a young white woman.

John McCain’s camp claim that this ad was in response to a comment that Barack Obama had made at a recent rally. He said, and I’m paraphrasing here, that he didn’t look like all the other presidents. Was this bringing race into play? No. I’ll tell you what he meant. By saying that he didn’t look like all the other presidents, Barack Obama was implying that he was not an old white man who may or may not wear a wig.

I can neither confirm nor deny if Barack Obama is actually an old white man who may or may not wear a wig.

 

*vote for this random act of stupidity at humor-blogs.com*