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This week in the news…
1. GAS SHORTAGE!!
There was a gas shortage here in my home state of North Carolina. How do we, the smart and intelligent people of North Carolina handle such a crises? Why we panic and fill up our tanks at every chance we get! Seriously people… You do realize that when you have ¾ a tank you don’t need to top it off. That’s why the shortage became a crises. People are stupid. The news says there is a shortage. We better go get some even though we don’t really need it. That way we keep those who actually probably do need it from getting some. The same way Mormons get a bunch of wives even though some of us really need a girl friend, or at least a girl to pretend she’s interested in him. Selfish Mormons.
2. There was a story on abortion, but I stopped listening before the story was finished.
3. McCain suspends debate due to economy crises!
In theory this is a good move. The economy is in a crises. A crises caused by people who were really greedy and had power. So McCain decides he will suspend his campaign to work on it. Well that was then. Now he’s going to debate Obama tonight. Why? Cause the media will blast you for whatever decision you make. Just like I’ll blast the media no matter what they do. It’s fun. And I wasn’t even invited to this debate!!! Outrage!!!
SPECIAL IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT!!!
Good evening. I’m Johnny Townsend. A candidate for the office of President of the United States. I am officially suspending my campaign while the country is in a terrible economic crisis until there is a resolution. Also because I only have a quarter of a tank of gas in my car. Thank you.
4. An Atheist Soldier claims he was discriminated against.
The soldier claims he was forced to attend events in which prayers were said. I got an exclusive interview with the soldier. Here is an excerpt from that interview.
ME: Thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule of hating all that is good to talk to me.
SOLDIER: um…you’re welcome…
ME: Now, your identity is being withheld to protect you. But may I remind you that God knows who you are.
SOLDIER: (blankly stares)
That was just a small glimpse of the interview. To see the full interview, click HERE. Notice how nothing happened when you did? That’s because I didn’t actually interview him and made that part up. Thanks for playing along you’ve been great.
*Stephen Colbert recently interviewed a woman who was involved with some sort of atheist movement. I couldn’t get the video to load up right in this post, so I’ll post the link. WARNING: it’s definately PG-13 at least rated. It has some slightly crude language and sexual references.
5. Storm attacks North Carolina
A storm from the Atlantic ocean attacked the state, causing many residents to rush out and grab all the milk and bread that they possibly could. The winds gusted up to 40 miles per hour, causing many hats to become lost.
SIDE NOTE: why do we go for bread and milk when a weather event threatens to happen? A hurricane is coming. Let’s grab milk and bread. A snow storm is coming. Let’s grab milk and bread. I guess I can kind of see the bread. I mean you can always make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. But the milk? If the power goes out then the milk isn’t going to do you much good.
6. America gold card commercial
I just saw a commercial in which a guy who is trying to catch a flight hands a woman a credit card. He was discriminated against only because his card had a picture of kittens on it. That is not the America I’m proud of. If I have a credit card and it had kittens on it you better treat me like you treat everyone else!
Just because I have this picture on my credit card doesn’t mean I’m any less of a person.
In another effort to impress you, I will now list for you the celebrities who support all three of us candidates.
Oprah Winfrey- the talk show host who somehow became popular even though she’s completely full of herself. Do not adjust your television set, her head is indeed that large.
Robert DeNiro- he’s supporting Obama AND make the 195th movie in which he plays a cop.
Usher- yea THE Usher. I’d tell you a good song that he’s done but I can’t think of any.
Chris Rock- yes, I too remember him back from when he was relevant.
Brandon Routh- let’s see….he was in that last Superman movie…what else..what else…..
David Zucker: After he made spoof movies, he decided to let the genre die, something I will never forgive him for.
Dean Cain- He played superman in that one show. You know the one where they made the story of Superman into a soap opera.
Lou Ferrigno- he played the Hulk in some television show from long ago. And no, I don’t know why he matters either.
Victoria Jackson- while reading about her in the Saturday night live books has made me dislike her less, the sound of her voice still destroys my insides.
Kevin Sorbo- I will sadly admit to watching Hercules and Xena. Please keep in mind I was much younger and hadn’t developed the ability to know what was good and what wasn’t.
Jerry Bruckheimer- if McCain wins he’s planning to blow up something like it’s never been blown up before which will hopefully cover up the terrible dialogue.
Katrina Townsend- she is the number one rated export on Mr. Townsend, thus knows what she’s talking about. Also, she cooks well.
Sonya Schweighardt-her and her family fully endorse this candidate.
Joyce Moyer Hostetter- an award winning author. Not only does she endorse Johnny Townsend, she doesn’t realize she’s doing so.
Amy Lizzy – she completely agrees with Johnny and all his views and is one of his most trusted advisors.
Tom Hanks- he once told Johnny that he absolutely loves his stuff. Best dream ever.
Steven Spielburg- he endorses everything I will ever say now or in the past or in the future. He does this even though he has never met me or knows me. I have seen many of his movies so that counts for something right? Right???
So there you have it. It’s obvious from this list that Johnny Townsend is the best candidate to vote for.
This message was approved by the Vote for Johnny Townsend ‘08 campaign.
My fellow americans, I am here today to accept the independent/non important party’s ticket to run for president of the United States.
(wait for applause to die down)
I come from a family that worked hard. A family that showed love and compassion. My father was a cow pie detector, who worked day and night to provide for his family! He also cooked the food without washing his hands! We grew stronger during these hard times.
I vow to you all that I will do everything in my power to improve the conditions of this great nation! I will pave roads that are dirt. I will dirt roads that are paved!
The economy is in real danger. I promise to fix that right away. I will make it so that all loans will be approved! No credit? BAM! No problem. Bad credit? BAM! That’s ok come right on in sir you got yourself a loan! This will single handedly fix our broken economy. By approving every loan, there will be more houses. Everyone will have a house during my presidency. No loan will go unapproved! The economy has never been hurt by doing this act. And please don’t fact check what I say.
I will do in Iraq what the united states people want to be done! I will have every citizen vote for what they wish to do. And if that result is much too close, I shall have every citizen place their name in a hat and I will draw from that hat. The person who’s name I draw will then have the pleasure of telling me what to do with the Iraq war situation! This way I will be listening to the people and protecting myself from any sort of criticism when the results start to show!
I will help those who need help! The poor need help! I will lower taxes on not only the poor, but those who are so poor the other poor feel sorry for them and spit in their mouths to give them something to drink!
And what about the Eskimos? These people are criminally overlooked! They live in houses made out of giant ice cubes for crying out loud! We here don’t realize the dangers the sun can cause! We go out and get a tan while their shelter melts! My opponents ignore this growing issue. I shall not do the same!
What about Stan Johnston? A man who worked at a local automotive plant that was shut down. Who now has no way to provide for his family. Who now must work on the streets at night, selling his body just so his 5 year old son can have a McDonald’s happy meal.
What about Shannon Smith? A 18 year old single mom who wants to go to school but can’t because it cost so much and she has a child. Someone who can’t get anyone to watch her kid for her cause it cries to much and only lets people watch Blues Clues.
What about Lebron James? Who is forced to play professional basketball so his family will not starve to death. Who must throw down vicious dunks of fury to provide his family with a swimming pool. Who must sign endorsement deals with Sprite just so he can give his son his own pinball table. A man who has to sign multi million dollar deals just so he can buy his mom a house.
And what about Johnny Townsend? A man who sits at home, every night, alone…who’s only contribution to the world is a blog that’s worth about two pennies and that has no social worth what so ever…a man who women haven‘t found attractive in decades…a man who…hey wait a minute…
(pause to realize he was talking about himself)
I worry about the state of all these people. And many more. I have met many different people from many different walks of life. They each have their own stories to tell.
I am honored to have been selected for this. My opponents are taking everything for granted. John Mccain is old and growing more senile with every piece of hard candy he puts into his senior citizen lips. Barack Obama is too young and too inexperienced, I heard he isn’t even completely potty trained.
My fellow citizens, now is a time to come together. A time to heal and a time to feel. And with me driving this ship WE…WILL….GET….THERE!!!
Thank you. Good bye and God bless.