My fellow americans, I am here today to accept the independent/non important party’s ticket to run for president of the United States.

(wait for applause to die down)

I come from a family that worked hard. A family that showed love and compassion. My father was a cow pie detector, who worked day and night to provide for his family! He also cooked the food without washing his hands! We grew stronger during these hard times.

I vow to you all that I will do everything in my power to improve the conditions of this great nation! I will pave roads that are dirt. I will dirt roads that are paved!

The economy is in real danger. I promise to fix that right away. I will make it so that all loans will be approved! No credit? BAM! No problem. Bad credit? BAM! That’s ok come right on in sir you got yourself a loan! This will single handedly fix our broken economy. By approving every loan, there will be more houses. Everyone will have a house during my presidency. No loan will go unapproved! The economy has never been hurt by doing this act. And please don’t fact check what I say.

I will do in Iraq what the united states people want to be done! I will have every citizen vote for what they wish to do. And if that result is much too close, I shall have every citizen place their name in a hat and I will draw from that hat. The person who’s name I draw will then have the pleasure of telling me what to do with the Iraq war situation! This way I will be listening to the people and protecting myself from any sort of criticism when the results start to show!

I will help those who need help! The poor need help! I will lower taxes on not only the poor, but those who are so poor the other poor feel sorry for them and spit in their mouths to give them something to drink!

And what about the Eskimos? These people are criminally overlooked! They live in houses made out of giant ice cubes for crying out loud! We here don’t realize the dangers the sun can cause! We go out and get a tan while their shelter melts! My opponents ignore this growing issue. I shall not do the same!

What about Stan Johnston? A man who worked at a local automotive plant that was shut down. Who now has no way to provide for his family. Who now must work on the streets at night, selling his body just so his 5 year old son can have a McDonald’s happy meal.

What about Shannon Smith? A 18 year old single mom who wants to go to school but can’t because it cost so much and she has a child. Someone who can’t get anyone to watch her kid for her cause it cries to much and only lets people watch Blues Clues.

What about Lebron James? Who is forced to play professional basketball so his family will not starve to death. Who must throw down vicious dunks of fury to provide his family with a swimming pool. Who must sign endorsement deals with Sprite just so he can give his son his own pinball table. A man who has to sign multi million dollar deals just so he can buy his mom a house.

And what about Johnny Townsend? A man who sits at home, every night, alone…who’s only contribution to the world is a blog that’s worth about two pennies and that has no social worth what so ever…a man who women haven‘t found attractive in decades…a man who…hey wait a minute…

(pause to realize he was talking about himself)

I worry about the state of all these people. And many more. I have met many different people from many different walks of life. They each have their own stories to tell.

I am honored to have been selected for this. My opponents are taking everything for granted. John Mccain is old and growing more senile with every piece of hard candy he puts into his senior citizen lips. Barack Obama is too young and too inexperienced, I heard he isn’t even completely potty trained.

 

My fellow citizens, now is a time to come together. A time to heal and a time to feel. And with me driving this ship WE…WILL….GET….THERE!!!

Thank you. Good bye and God bless.

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