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Why am I still single? Someone asked me when Smurfs volume 2 comes out on dvd and I knew the answer.
Why am I still single? The highlight of my week was Guitar Hero World Tour.
Why am I still single? My mom buys my cereal.
Why am I still single? The Simpsons season 11 came out and I didn’t get it, thus depressing me and proving my foolishness considering I have the first 10.
Why am I still single? I complain about the music played on the radio instead of just accepting it, which would give me something to talk to women about. You know, so I can use the opening line “hey have you heard that new Nickelback song?”
Why am I still single? Instead of moving into an apartment and away from home, I bought a new car instead.
Why am I still single? I thought having a new car would improve my odds.
Why am I still single? I’d rather sit around making jokes with Trevor than go to a club and have women there rub themselves on me. And let’s face it. Most women at clubs have decided that they’re down on their last chance and are desperate. At the risk of stereotyping, most women at clubs will sleep with you if you tell them your name and that you have a job.
Why am I still single? I was proud to be a momma’s boy. That is until it was pointed out to me that being a momma’s boy isn’t exactly appealing.
Why am I still single? Women have standards.
Why am I still single? I’m a guy who writes a blog.
Why am I still single? I got a new cell phone and told everyone, hoping that would prove to them that I’m heading in a positive direction in my life.
Why am I still single? I once blew off some women friends so I could get home in time to catch a new episode of Law and Order: Criminal Intent.
Why am I still single? I make people watch things I find funny, even though I know they don’t share the same sense of humor as me.
Why am I still single? My mom warms my car up in the mornings before I go to work.
Why am I still single? I can’t make drinkable Kool-Aid.
Why am I still single? I never finish things. Case in point: three months ago I decided to decorate my room with movie posters since I love movies. Total movie poster count as of right now: 2
Why am I still single? I can quote lines from Airplane!, Dumb and Dumber, Monty Python and the Search for the Holy Grail, and most shows that appear on Cartoon Networks’ Adult Swim.
Hopefully soon I’ll have some other type of media on this blog. If you like to dabble in pod casts, you should go ahead and pee yourself right now in anticipation.
Be on the lookout!
I visited a different church today. It was a church much larger than the one I normally attend. Did I learn anything this Sunday morning? Well here are the notes I took while I sat through the service.
* The upcoming election is about death.
* Some people vote for baby killing.
* Some democrats are actually pro-life.
* There was some standing to show support of babies.
* People also clapped in support of babies.
* There is a cereal called “Sugar Kern Pops” that had nike missiles.
* Rat traps won’t hurt you. Trust me.
* I felt like the pastor was talking to me when he said “I’m talking to you young person.”
* I covet those who have the ability to not covet.
* A good glove will not improve your baseball skills.
So there you have it. Hopefully this will give you the feeling of being in the room with me.
SPECIAL NOTE: I would do this all the time, but people from my church read this, and I already have to field enough questions about the stuff I write.
Some people are depressed. And it’s easy to see why. The economy isn’t coming off as very stable as of late. An election over the horizon has some people confused as to which direction this country is heading. Some people are losing their homes. The world is just brutal and uncompromising. But fear not my friends. I have the solution.
For merely $55 a month, you can become a member of the Johnny Townsend Positive People Club (JTPPC). A place were people of all creeds can come together and be positive all the time in the face of the negative world. I know you people need a get away. Where you can just be surrounded by a ring of joy. Join the JTPPC. It will be the best thing you ever did. Here are a few people who joined the JTPPC and what they had to say!
“I was thinking about joining the circus where I could be around those who look like me. But now thanks to JTPPC, I trick myself into thinking that society accepts me!” –Sam Jones
“Without the JTPPC I would still be watching old Brittney Spears videos in my underwear covered in my own filth.” –Jim Smith
“I would sit around on my butt playing Guitar Hero all day like a loser with no friends. Now, thanks to JTPPC, I sit around on my butt playing Guitar Hero with other people.”
“Women used to never give me a chance. They would suck my self confidence out of me with every rejection they unleashed upon me. Then I joined JTPPC. And now I only feel half the urge to put a shotgun up to my chin as I did before. A new level of positive thinking has allowed me to just keep breathing one last day.” –Jake Daniels
“There is this tree in my front yard. I used to look up into it, thinking how magical it would be to be a limp body hanging from one of it’s branches. I would just look up into that tree, thinking about that sweet release. Then, on a whim, I joined the JTPPC. Now I don’t think about ending my life at any time!” –Tim O’Toole
“This club is so amazing! I cannot get over how great it makes you feel! Without it, I dunno where I would be. Johnny has created a club that will help so many people. And all I had to do was to keep giving him money and not ask questions! Brilliant!” –A tool
“I don’t know where I am…” –a senile senior
You too could have this level of happiness. Just for a small percentage of your annual income, you will defeat those inner demons that the world has surrounded you with. Now what exactly does this club do? Oh to find that out you have to join. I am so positive that your life will be changed that if it’s not then I will personally guarantee that I will pretend to know what you’re going through and string you along even more.
So what are you waiting for? Join the JTPPC today!!!!!
Check out this story a local news station did on me and my bid for the presidency. Presidential Campaign.
Click on the link to see the story!
Vote for me in November, and you won’t be sorry. Well, you might be sorry, but I’ll be President so I won’t care what you think or what you’re going through.