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In a new segment on Johnnyism, I will take your questions and offer my advice. It’s called Dear Johnny.

 

Dear Johnny,

I’ve been married to the love of my life for two months now. He recently told me that he thinks he may be gay, and that if he is then I am the cause. However, I feel like I can’t be angry with him since I have been having an affair with a balding older man who works at Office Depot. The man I’m having an affair with also just told me that he’s actually a really unattractive woman.

My husband constantly asks me if I still love him, since he believes the reason he hates himself is because he’s stuck with me. The man at the Office Depot treats me better and can better support me since he makes 8.50 an hour. My husband is currently unemployed but promises me that his band is going to make it.

I love my possibly gay husband, but I just don’t know what to do. Should I stay with him? Should I leave him and be with the Office Depot baldie? Please help.

In Love With a Bald or Gay Guy in Seattle.

 

Dear In Love With a Bald or Gay Guy in Seattle,

You have to do what is best for you. If your husband is gay then I suggest you not be with him, mainly because he’s attracted to the same sex as he.

 

 

Dear Johnny,

I’ve been in a committed relationship with my boyfriend “Dan” for about two years now. I am 40 years old and he is a llama. I love Dan but I’m not sure if he’s wanting to be in a more deeper relationship and promise ourselves to each other for the rest of our lives. Every time I try to ask him he just spits in my face. To make matters worse, he recently confided in me that he’s been seeing a camel across town. I feel heartbroken and betrayed but I really love him. Should I leave him? I feel I’m too old to start over. Please help.

Llama Lover in Kansas.

 

Dear Llama Lover in Kansas,

For your sake you should get out of that relationship. So many women are emotionally destroyed when the llama they love stops loving them back. He obviously doesn’t respect you if he’s spitting in your face. Do yourself a favor and move on. There are plenty of llamas grazing in the field.

 

 

If you have any questions or advice you would like from me then please feel free to write.

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I have invented a new game. It’s really easy to learn and you can have as many players as you want. Great for a party or church get together. It’s called “Make Up A Racial Stereotype.” All you have to do is completely make up a stereotype. Nothing that has been heard before. Here, I will show you some examples of ones I have come up with just now.

 

A Mexican’s eyesight is based on movement.

Koreans eat their own young.

Women from the Bahamas only use the red Solo plastic cups to drink out of.

White people are expert diggers.

Jews have an extra set of eyelids which allow them to see underwater.

Goths really enjoy tomatoes.

Older women who love cats die alone in an apartment, and aren’t found until five days later when the meowing of the 32 cats finally gets under the guy in 32B’s skin.

 

See? It’s fun for all ages! Mark my words, it will be the fastest growing new party game.

Today at church I witnessed what I guess was suppose to be a conversation. I use the term “conversation” very loosely. It was more of a one person talking at someone else instead of a convo. This is not the first time I’ve noticed this. So, as a public service, I will teach everyone how you actually have a conversation.

1: Keep your voice at a decent level.

If you raise your voice at all it will never come off well. This is why Germans are never trusted.

2: Listen to what the other person is saying.

This may be the hardest part. You have to actually listen to the other person and what they’re saying. By listening, I do not mean while they are talking, think of what you want to say to prove your point more. I mean actually hear them, analyze it in your head, and then form a thought about what they just said.

3: Talk TO someone, not AT someone.

People are different. People have different opinions. You and I can read the same sentence and get two entirely different things out of it. So if someone does something that offends you or upsets you and you go up to them to bring this up, talk TO them, not AT them. If you’re just attacking them just to make yourself feel better about yourself then you’re coming off as a jerk. I promise you it will NOT solve anything.

4: Just realize people are different.

Sometimes you just really want someone to see what you’re trying to say. But sometimes that’s just not going to happen. Let’s not let that destroy each other.

5: Remember that everyone has pride.

Pride will be man’s downfall. I know I have a problem with it. If we feel our pride has been attacked, our instinct is to attack back. To go on the offensive. If you do this in a conversation, then you will destroy relationships.

6. Listen to yourself when you talk.

This is a major one. Sometimes I hear people talk and I swear to you they have no idea how they sound. At least I hope that’s what it is.

7. If you know you’re going to get upset when talking to someone, then control yourself.

If you know you won’t be able to say it, then write it down so you can read over it. Heck, send them the letter. It’s when we are upset that we say things we will regret. We burn bridges this way. It’s when we look the worst. Write it down if you have to. Text them if you have to. Call them if you have to. Make sure you do what you can to not become emotional.

 

I have witnessed this with many different people at the church. Now I don’t normally write things that are overly religious on my blog site here, but this has bothered me for a while now. Humanity is destroying religion. Religion is taking God out of the church. We are forgetting why we are there. We are forgetting that we are there for God, not for ourselves. It is God’s house, not ours, even if you helped build it. I want God back. The fire I once had for God has been diminishing little by little, and when I see people I respect act this way it gives me another reason to think about moving on. Now I realize there is not a perfect church. People make up the church and people are not perfect. But sometimes maybe Got puts things in your head or helps you to see something to show you it’s time to move on. Maybe. Dunno, just thought I’d hit yall with a moment of honesty. Don’t get used to it.

This is one of the reasons the church has become so easy to attack. We are suppose to be a loving people. We are not suppose to be verbally attacking people, and it looks even worse if we’re attacking each other. If we can’t even have actual conversations at church then where can we?

I know there weren’t that many jokes in this one. Although there was a decent joke against the Germans. Sometimes you just got to tell people they’re being stupid.

This is an uncertain time. America has just elected a new president. Some people are worried about what the future will hold. Fear not, for I have just discovered that I have the ability to tell what exactly will happen 5-10 years from now. I must share this gift.

*Barack Obama will win a second term, only to have everyone get angry at him and scream for change. This will lead to a republican president, only to have the cycle repeat itself.

*Britney Spears will make yet another comeback, this time doing a duet album with Michael Jackson where she will dress sexy, but he will ignore her whenever her young son is around.

*McDonalds will bring back the McRib fourteen more times.

*Lindsay Lohan will turn straight, only to turn gay again once people start to not pay her any attention.

*Jessica Simpson will attempt rap music, thus making her officially failing at every genre of music.

*The NFL will eventually quit playing real live football games, and will instead have a representative of each team play each other in a game of Madden.

*George Lucas will re-re-release yet another special edition of Star Wars, this one including the infamous lost footage of Jabba the Hutt making out with Jar Jar Binks.

*Atheists will lose when the announcer’s next command is “those who believe in something please step forward.”

*High School Musical 7 will be released, ushering forth three more years kids breaking into song in public schools all across the nation.

*Saw XIX will also be released, proving that you can run out of ways to kill people.

 

 

And now I shall reveal to you the horoscopes for the next 10 years.

ARIES: You will go through your life believing there is still some good in humanity, only to have that belief come crashing down upon you after all your friends give you Nickelback cd’s for Christmas.

TAURUS: You will go to the movies expecting to see the next Batman movie. Soon you realize that you went into the wrong theater and must sit through the sequel to Mama Mia. You will have a piece of good luck, however, remembering to bring your shot gun when you left your house. You then end your own suffering as well as the suffering of all those poor souls around you.

GEMINI: You will full fill your destiny of disappointing your parents when you bring a Muslim home with you.

CANCER: You will finally be able to give up drugs when you discover that sniffing Kool-Aid powder gives you much more of a high.

LEO: You will shoot Santa Claus late one Christmas Eve after you mistake him for a burglar. You then become the most hated person in the entire world. Your shins will never recover from all the kicking the kids of the world will give you.

VIRGO: You will win 100 dollars. This is significant because it will be the last time you have any money.

LIBRA: All those hours of doing nothing but playing video games will come in handy when you save the world when a combination of aliens, Nazis, and four floating different colored ghosts attack. You will also grab the bouncing banana, giving you 10,000 bonus points.

SCORPIO: Your journey as a vegetarian will end after you discover that animals taste really, really good.

SAGITTARIUS: You will become the most unimportant person in the world. I’d tell you why, but you really don‘t matter.

CAPRICORN: Your life will come to an abrupt end after you and some friends decide to check out the old abandoned house at the end of the road. You will become the first to die, surprising the whole group considering you aren’t African American nor the comedic relief.

AQUARIUS: You will become famous and well liked for the things you write. Your humor and wit and charisma will be known in all points of the earth. Then you will wake up from that dream and be welcomed back to your reality of Chef Boyardee and empty pizza boxes.

PISCES: You will find the cure to what makes Michael Jackson the way he is. Your life will then be set as you are asked to do the same with the Catholic Church.

 

There you have it. All these things are in our future. I have foreseen it!