You are currently browsing the monthly archive for January 2009.

It was brought to my attention that my post last night on Aretha Franklin was borderline cruel.  I have decided to do a second version of that post.  This one being the politically correct version.  It is much nicer and more kid friendly.  Read this one if you don’t like cruel jokes.  Read the previous one if you have a sense of humor.  Read them both if you’re a true fan of my work

 

We now have a new President. And by putting in office this new President, we made history. I watched the inauguration. What stood out the most to me? Was it Dick Cheney being wheeled around in a wheel chair like a nice old man who’s about to play Parcheesi? Was it the fact that the Mrs. Obama looked like she let a very capable fashion designer dress her? Was it looking out over how big the crowd there was, wondering why in the heck would you go to it if you were going to be four miles back (just watch it on television or the computer)? No. What really struck me was Aretha Franklin.

I completely understand why you have Aretha Franklin sing at a ceremony that is putting into office the first African American president. But did anyone ever think to see if she could sing anymore? She is up in the age now. Her voice is close to gone. Here were a few of my thoughts I was thinking while she was attempting to sing a song.

* I wish I was there so I could hand her a dozen roses.

*I would pay someone to walk up to her and whisper sweet nothings into her ear.

*If someone was to just drop a pamphlet about world peace on the ceremony, while it would be a beautiful, beautiful thing, the sad part would be that her singing would be over.

*The best thing about her performance is her hat, and it’s an amazing looking hat.

*I wonder if she is actually made up of a lollipops, unicorns, and other sweets.

*She still puts soul into it, she is lovable and incredible. Music owes a lot to her. She has earned nothing but R.E.S.P.E.C.T. When she sings, it’s as if angels have dropped down from Heaven and are singing soothing choruses into my ear.

*If I don’t find a girlfriend soon, I could easily consider dating Aretha Franklin.

*I wonder if Aretha is available….

We now have a new President. And by putting in office this new President, we made history. I watched the inauguration. What stood out the most to me? Was it Dick Cheney being wheeled around in a wheel chair like a cranky rich white guy who’s about to croak? Was it the fact that the Mrs. Obama looked like she let a blind Disney character dress her? Was it looking out over how big the crowd there was, wondering why in the heck would you go to it if you were going to be four miles back (just watch it on television or the computer)? No. What really struck me was Aretha Franklin.

I completely understand why you have Aretha Franklin sing at a ceremony that is putting into office the first African American president. But did anyone ever think to see if she could sing anymore? She is up in the age now. Her voice is close to gone. Here were a few of my thoughts I was thinking while she was attempting to murder a song.

* I wish I was there so I could chop her in the vocal chords.

*I would pay someone to walk up to her and punch her in the throat.

*If someone was to just drop a bomb on the ceremony, while it would be a terrible, terrible thing, the bright side would be that her singing would be over.

*The best thing about her performance is her hat, and it’s a terrible looking hat.

*I wonder if she is actually made up of a group of four midgets.

*She still tries to put soul into it, but the cold crisp of the air and the cold grip of a ever closer death have robbed her of that ability.

*If I don’t find a girlfriend soon, I may consider dating Aretha Franklin.

*I wonder if Aretha only dates black guys….

This is a story that all should read.  I must point out that I did not write this, but since the person who wrote this used me as one of the characters, I feel attached to it.  My partner in crime Trevor wrote this amazing piece of historical fiction.  Please enjoy it as much as I did.   Keep in mind that I have never before posted anything that I myself did not write.  So this must mean that I believe this to be amazing.  And since I am the authority in all things amazing, then you have no choice but to believe me.  FACE!

This is the plotline for the hugely successful yet very crappy RPG:

 Deathly Doom: Trouble in the Land of Snaggly-toothed Marsupials

 

Trevor and Johnny are simple minded (aka, retarded) villagers from the land of Yardo.  They have lived a simple life together along with their friend Christopholis.  Their days went on with no purpose or direction, and they were all dangerously close to hitting age 40.  One day, however, a horrible monster attacked the always peaceful land of Yardo.  It was said to be an omen for more dangerous days to come.

 

All of a sudden, out of the dark forest stepped the mighty sorceress Ashleya.  She was so pissed off at the destructive monster that her hair caught fire and her eyes turned into the eyes of a viper.  She fought bravely, but soon realized that she needed help if she were to return this foul beast to the pits of Hell.  With a feeling of dread and disgust, she knocked on the door of a small hut in the village.  Much to her dismay, there stood the three reluctant, and somewhat disgusting, heroes of our story.  Would the mighty sorceress Ashelya decide to ask these bumbling fools for help, or is the world doomed to die a nasty death?

 

Each of the three had their strong points.  Trevor, with his staff of No Self Confidence, Johnny, with his sword of a Dying Soul, and Christopholis, with his rod of Hatred For His Own Kind.  They were an odd trio, and Ashleya wondered aloud how she was supposed to use them.  But she knew she must, for although the gods had stopped talking to anyone from the trio, they still apparently communicated with Ashleya, telling her that these three will determine the fate of the world.  What she didn’t realize, however, is that Alpadangelo, the god of destiny, was playing a prank on her and the three actually had no value what so ever.

 

 

Despite the depressing news that she had to take this group with her, Ashleya trotted on, and the unlikely group decided to head for the blue sea of Sargoficus.  Ashleya warned everyone that this would be a grueling journey, so Christopholis purchased many healing gels and various cooking ingredients.  Johnny and Trevor continued cracking very unfunny jokes about Christopholis being gay.  Meanwhile, a bandit snuck off with all of Trevor’s gear, leaving him with only the clothes on his back, and a flimsy spork as a weapon.  Johnny did not have even a spork to defend himself, so he slapped Trevor and took his.  With a very audible sigh, Ashleya instructed the group to march on…

 

 

While the party slept, Ashleya was sleepless and feeling sorry for herself.  Just as a tear began to form under her eye for the first time in her cold life, she came to a dark realization.  Everyone had completely forgotten about the monster attacking the land of Yardo! Ashleya realized that everyone in Yardo must be dead by now, and it seemed that the “terrific trio” had already forgotten about their friends, families, and homes.  Oh well, the gods had spoken and the party had to risk life and limb to travel to the blue sea of Sargoficus.  When the morning sun arose and revealed the disgusting faces of her party members, Ashleya gathered the group and headed towards their ultimate destiny….although she was hoping the gods might soon reveal exactly what that destiny is.

 

As the party of brave (brave?!) heroes proceeded towards their goal, they were shocked to find a natural hot spring, full of warm bubbling mountain water.  Ashleya, who was indeed a very well-endowed sorceress, invited the guys into her hot spring, hoping to attempt to bond and work on the plan for their adventure.  However, Johnny and Trevor felt too awkward to be put in that situation, and decided that the guys should use the “other” hot spring.  Ashleya was confused, as she could only see one hot spring, but she left the guys to do as they wanted. 

 

As Ashleya enjoyed the healing relaxation of the hot spring, she could not help but overhear the conversation from the men:

“Hey, don’t touch that.”  “Sorry man, it just sort of happened…”   “Never mind that, do you guys think this hot spring is a little…odd?”

 

Ashleya, now fully rested, grabbed her gear and went to the men’s hot spring.  What she found was three morons sitting in a giant puddle of horse piss.  Ashleya, disappointed yet not surprised, was now forced with a decision to make…

 

Would she kill these blubbering fools for being such idiots, or would she appease the gods by continuing on this wretched quest? Why had the gods forsaken her? Why do they torture her so?

She made her decision, although she was somewhat reluctant.  She would let the fools live…until the quest to the blue sea was complete.  Then she would kill them.  Very slowly.

 

The group marched on through rain, lightning storms, and snow, moving ever closer to the blue sea of whatever the name is.  Well, Johnny, Trevor and Christopholis didn’t so much march as crawl and beg for mercy.  Ashleya remained merciless, despite their pathetic pleas.  The group sometimes traveled as much as one mile per day, taking the three guys to their absolute limit.  The group had not encountered anything dangerous after days of traveling, giving them a false sense of security.  Still, they followed well behind the sorceress, just in case.

 

Suddenly, on the path ahead of the brave group, appeared a killer attack snail.  It stood nearly 3 inches tall, and moved at the speed of …..a snail.  Trevor, always the one to try too hard to prove his courage, stood between the snail and his companions.  Reaching for his spork, a feeling of dread and regret flooded every corner of his body.  Johnny had taken his spork earlier after a violent slapping! Trevor collapsed to the ground and had a panic attack, while Christopholis ran to his side to comfort him, and to keep him from biting his own tongue off…again.

 

Johnny knew that he had no choice.  He would be the hero to save his friends.  Lunging the spork straight towards the killer snail, Johnny was prepared to die for his loved ones.  He sprinted at full speed, with rage, tears, and the fear of a child shining in his eyes.  Johnny had never appeared so formidable before.  Could this be the birth of a true warrior? 

 

 To the shock of the rest of the group, the snail actually managed to outmaneuver Johnny.  Johnny simply stood there, dumbstruck.  Ashleya walked over to the snail and stepped on it, wiping her shoe off on Trevor’s still shaking body as she continued on her path.  Johnny was so disgraced with his failure, that he knew there was only one option… 

 

Ashleya heard an ungodly, girlish scream, causing her to stop in her tracks.  Trevor still lay shaking on the ground, with Christopolis sobbing by his side.  Johnny now lay beside his friends, with a spork lodged in his head.  Had Ashleya’s troubles all just taken care of themselves?

 

 

Unfortunately, just as Ashleya was about to finish off her fallen comrades, they all crawled to her feet and begged her to spare their lives.  There were so many things they had not yet experienced, such as having physical contact with a woman.  Except for Chirstopolis, who had made love to many women, but had decided that it was overrated.  After making them promise to hold hands and stay within her sight for the rest of the journey, Ashleya decided to spare the lives of the three merry gentlemen.  So they continued on, no less determined (yet much more pathetic) than before.

 

Could it be? The blue sea of watcha-ma-call-it was in plain view! They had arrived in one piece.  Perhaps the gods were not crazy after all? Ashleya went to the temple by the sea so that she could ask for guidance from the gods.  The ritual she would perform was going to be strenuous, even deadly.  The guys stayed behind and played with dried up earth worms.

 

 

Ashleya had only two questions for the gods.  “Why have you sent me to the Blue Sea of Sargoficus?” But more importantly: “Why oh why have you chosen these miserable excuses for human existence to be the heroes to save this land?” 

 

 All that the sorceress heard was what sounded like sneering and chuckling.  Then the gods spoke: “You silly sorceress, do you really think that even we could add some value or purpose to those sad sacks of crap? Those three ‘men’ are an abomination to all that is decent! You were sent on this quest to prove your worthiness.  Your true task has yet to be revealed.”

 

Now visibly upset, Ashleya murmured four words under her breath: “What is my task!?”

The gods spoke with a certainty and authority as never before: “Kill the idiots.”

 

The choppy blue waters crashed against the tall rock cliffs.  Ashleya, Trevor, Johnny, and Christopolis walked along the edge nearly 1,000 feet above the icy waters.  Ashleya, for the first time on this forsaken journey, had a smile across her face.  How would she kill them? She could throw a quarter over the cliff and watch them dive.  She could yell: “the building’s on fire!”  But that was too easy.  There had to be a better way to destroy these three deformities in the evolutionary chain…

 

As Ashley considered all of her deliciously devious options, she heard a shrill scream from behind.  “Help! Johnny just saw a mermaid and he jumped off the cliff!” Soon after, Christopolis jumped in a valiant effort to save his friend.   

 

Trevor, not knowing what to do, started throwing healing gels off the cliff.  However, he accidentally threw his half-eaten potato in as well, causing him to dive off the cliff after it. 

 

As Ashleya stood at the edge, waiting patiently for the glorious splash, she was knocked to her feet by a thunderous sound.  The clouds parted and a brilliant white light flooded the sky.  As Ashleya came to, she saw four figures rising above the edge of the cliff.  It was Trevor, Johnny, and Christoplois, completely dry and unharmed.  Jesus held tightly onto each of the men and proclaimed:

“A person is a person no matter how stupid.”

 

 

Fin

ILLINOIS AVENUE—56 year old Tom Stine was arrested Saturday after a violent outburst.  He claimed that he had grown tired of always being called “the monopoly guy.”  Many friends and neighbors claim that he looked “exactly like the old guy with the white mustache from the Monopoly board game.”  Tom Stine took a chance with this outburst considering that he is a major figure in the small community, and by being arrested, he could have caused great pain to the community chest.  Mr. Stine struck four people in the face, including Jimmy Steeples, the owner of both The Electric Company and Waterworks.  Mr. Stine was taken directly to jail, did not pass go and he did not collect his two hundred dollars. 

GREEN HILL ZONE—A massive high speed chase ended silently Monday after the suspect’s new red shoes he had just grabbed ran out of juice.  The suspect, who only goes by the name Sonic, had already been pulled over twice this year for running as fast as 150 miles per hour.  When reached for comment, Sonic issued the following statement.  “It was an emergency.  I was just trying to free my friends who are all trapped in these giant vaults and they can only be freed after I jump on the top button.”  A court date is still to be determined. 

WORLD 8-4—A local plumber was arrested after he threw a tantrum and destroyed the local castle.  The plumber, whose name is being with held, claimed that he had been through hell just to get there, being chased by flying owls, turtles with duck heads, and giant bullets with faces.  “It took me well over five hours to get here.” He said.  “And after all that I went through, I get there just to find out that the princess wasn’t even there!”  In a statement to the police, he claimed that he witnessed the princess getting kidnapped and knew he was the only one who could save her.  And that after all the junk he went through, she wasn’t even there.  “I get there, and this short guy with a mushroom head tells me she’s in another castle.  I mean, why couldn’t she call me or text me or something before I wasted all that time?”  The plumbers taller yet overshadowed brother was also arrested.