ILLINOIS AVENUE—56 year old Tom Stine was arrested Saturday after a violent outburst.  He claimed that he had grown tired of always being called “the monopoly guy.”  Many friends and neighbors claim that he looked “exactly like the old guy with the white mustache from the Monopoly board game.”  Tom Stine took a chance with this outburst considering that he is a major figure in the small community, and by being arrested, he could have caused great pain to the community chest.  Mr. Stine struck four people in the face, including Jimmy Steeples, the owner of both The Electric Company and Waterworks.  Mr. Stine was taken directly to jail, did not pass go and he did not collect his two hundred dollars. 

GREEN HILL ZONE—A massive high speed chase ended silently Monday after the suspect’s new red shoes he had just grabbed ran out of juice.  The suspect, who only goes by the name Sonic, had already been pulled over twice this year for running as fast as 150 miles per hour.  When reached for comment, Sonic issued the following statement.  “It was an emergency.  I was just trying to free my friends who are all trapped in these giant vaults and they can only be freed after I jump on the top button.”  A court date is still to be determined. 

WORLD 8-4—A local plumber was arrested after he threw a tantrum and destroyed the local castle.  The plumber, whose name is being with held, claimed that he had been through hell just to get there, being chased by flying owls, turtles with duck heads, and giant bullets with faces.  “It took me well over five hours to get here.” He said.  “And after all that I went through, I get there just to find out that the princess wasn’t even there!”  In a statement to the police, he claimed that he witnessed the princess getting kidnapped and knew he was the only one who could save her.  And that after all the junk he went through, she wasn’t even there.  “I get there, and this short guy with a mushroom head tells me she’s in another castle.  I mean, why couldn’t she call me or text me or something before I wasted all that time?”  The plumbers taller yet overshadowed brother was also arrested.

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