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Do I have a low self-esteem? I don’t think I do. I think I have the most amazing self-esteem you could possibly have. Which is amazing considering I look like Chris Farley after he’s been beaten by a street gang of black guys. In this post, I shall try to give everyone an update on my dentist appointment. But my goal is that for every positive comment I make toward myself, I will also put a negative comment. I know this sounds backwards, but you’re rubber and I’m glue….I don’t remember how that ends but you’re stupid.
I finally got Dental insurance. This is amazing since it proves I am still employed, which I’m sure destroys many ongoing office pools. The amazing part about this is the fact that I haven’t been to a dentist since middle school. I thought I had amazing teeth considering, always brushing them and chewing gum. I was slightly nervous but managed to seem calm and collected on the outside. I can safely say this since I only peed myself a little bit.
Finally, I heard it. “Mr. Townsend?” My name came from the lips of a heavenly angel. A girl so beautiful my uglyness was highlighted being next to her. It was like Evangeline Lilly from ABC’s LOST leading around the hunchback of Notre Dame. As she laid me down on the chair, and looked over me with her hauntingly beautiful eyes I was in a trance. I was in love with this beautiful goddess. Then she jabbed my gums with sharp objects and the honeymoon was over. I was on the verge of wishing for gum disease. After she was done murdering my mouth, she told me what my x-rays said. She did so with the voice of a siren. If I was at sea I would of jumped overboard to get closer to the voice, only to smash into the rocks below.
I thanked her for being so brave to venture into my mouth, a place never ventured into before (please refrain from the homosexual jokes). Then she told me I had decent teeth considering I hadn’t been to the dentist since Clinton was in office leaving stains on dresses. She was insanely nice to me. The first woman to be nice to me. I was once told I should go put my head underneath a tractor tire, and that was by my mom (har har har, just kidding, my mom loves me). Here is a list of what some women have told me through the years.
“I really need you to go stick yourself into the mouth of a crocodile.”
“Look. I’m going to need you to stop talking to me.”
“I’m not even going to let you buy me free dinner.”
“Every time I see you, I wish you were someone more attractive.”
“I know you’re 26, but I think with technology now, you could still be aborted. And you should be.”
“You look like John Candy.” (my grandma actually said this one)
Now that I’ve told you those, I’ll tell you the positive things said to me, and all of them being from my mom.
“You’re going to have women coming after you in droves.”
“You could have any woman you want with your personality.”
See. Told you I would do both positive and negative comments. So did my John Candy looking tush ask anything of this hot dentist assistant lady? Heck no. I chickened out. That and her face gave all the signs of begging me not to start stalking her (I’ve seen that face enough to become an expert at recognizing it). So I said my goodbyes and walked out the door.
So what did we learn? Hmmmm…… I look like John Candy? No no that can’t be it. I’m one of those people who just looks like a creepy stalker that women think would slip a rufie to her? No no no. It’s that you can meet the most beautiful woman on the earth, and in the end, she’ll just make your gums hurt.
I have noticed in the news here lately that a lot of people are stealing my ideas. Ideas that I had well before these people could possibly claim to come up with them. What ideas do you ask? Well, I’ll show you who stole my ideas.
1. That woman who had octopolets, octupelts, octoplats, octopus, you know, eight kids that look the same. Here was my original idea.
I was going to become famous by having septuplets. When I do this, I will make sure there is no way I could possibly take care of them. This way the tax payers will have to help me raise my own kids, and I’ll do all this while pretending I’m just like Angelina Jolie.
2. Chris Brown.
I still don’t really know what he actually does, but I do know he stole my idea. I was going to get a famous girlfriend, get into an argument with her over car keys and then proceed to slap her around. I don’t really know what purpose that would serve, but not all my ideas are winners.
3. Michael Vick.
I had always planned to have dogs fight each other, go to jail for that, and then try to come back to the National Football League.
4. Albert Einstein
I originally came up with the nuclear bomb and e=mc2. Einstein gets credit for my idea! If I have my way he will soon be e=mc dead.
5. Abraham Lincoln.
If it wasn’t for him, it’d be me who freed the slaves and got shot in the head by John Wilkes Booth. Stupid Lincoln….
6. I’m just really angered by this. But I had originally thought of building a giant planet shaped space station that could destroy entire planets. Blast you George Lucas!!!!!!!!!!!!
Someone asked me to fill out this one word answer quiz. So I did. Enjoy.
1. Where is your cell phone? bed
2. Your significant other? nonexistent
3. Your hair? Fro-ish
4. Your mother? awesome
5. Your father? fantastic
6. Your favorite season? spring
7. Your dream last night? 1776
8. Your favorite drink? regret
9. Your dream/goal? fornicate
10. What room you are in? Lincoln
11. Your hobby? diving
12. Your fear? Bananas
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? reincarnated
14. Where were you last night? depression
15. Something that you are not? humble
16. Muffins? Biscuits?
17. Wish list item? win
18. Where you grew up? field
19. Last thing you did? stalk
20. What are you wearing? Te he
21. Your TV? orgasmic
22. Your pets? old
23. Friends? Friends?
24. Your life? hahaha
25. Your mood? ughhhh
26. Missing someone? Self-respect
27. Car? mustang
28. Something you’re not wearing? pants
29. Your favorite store? Amazon
30. Your favorite color? Orange-Red
33. Last time you laughed? soon
34. Last time you cried? soon
35. Who will send this back? amy
36. One place you go to over and over? despair
37. One person who texts you regularly? Friends?
38. Your favorite place to eat? table
I figured it was time for a revised list of people I hate and why I hate them. These are the ones that anger me so much that I have to fight the urge to go into a major city mall and just start swinging a two by four wildly in the crowds.
1. Nicholas Cage.
Again, why all the hate? He has exactly ONE facial expression! ONE! That would be fine and dandy if you were playing a coma patient, but this guy is an “actor.” You could punch him in the face, kick him in the balls, and kill his dog, and his facial expression would never change. NEVER! His voice also never changes. Someone needs to pick up a hardback book and smack him in his receding hairline.
2. 11 year olds who play on Xbox Live.
Look, I don’t mind if 11 year olds play on Xbox Live. I do mind 11 year olds who think that by cussing they’re automatically put into the cool crowd. No. you’re not. You are annoying. Guess what kid? You’re going to grow up only to get laid off from your local Burger King. Hope you enjoy wellfare as you pay for groceries with food stamps.
3. All the comics in the newspaper besides Garfield.
I get the newspaper every day….and I always check out the comics. Sadly, there is nothing there to check out anymore! The days of Far Side are sadly gone. The only thing left that’s worth the print it’s printed on is Garfield. Dilbert is complete garbage. Did you know they still print Cathy? Hasn’t she shopped enough already? And please Beetle Bailey, you should have been discharged years ago. And for the love of everything sacred, let Ziggy get abducted by those stupid aliens. What happened to comics?
4. Old people who drive.
You can’t see that well. You aren’t able to drive above the speed of 25. And you pull out in front of me all the time! You should be thankful that I love my car more than I love myself (it’s my best quality) or I’d knock every one of your Buicks off to the side of the road. There would be a sea of broken Chrysler’s on the sides of the highways of North Carolina.
5. Valentine’s Day.
Is it a coincidence that Valentine’s Day is following Friday the 13th this year? I think not. They are both days full of bad luck and wishing to be murdered. Hallmark created this day to not only sell cards, but to really drive a point to those who have no one just how alone they are. I took the liberty of writing a few Valentine’s cards to Valentine’s Day.
Happy V-Day Valentine’s day. I hope someone hugs you till you suffocate and die.
Happy V-Day Valentine’s day! Thank you for reminding me that I’m a massive failure. I’ll be looking for you with a shot gun.
HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!!! BEEP you! BEEP you! You’ve been seeing him haven’t you! You’ve been seeing that BEEP hole! OH GOD I LOVE YOU!!!! *this is where the card shows a picture of me down on my knees and sobbing into my hands uncontrollably.
6. Pizza Places serving other things other than pizza.
I do not want to have to choose between pizza or lasagna at a pizza place! BEEP you PIZZA HUT!!!
7. Political Correctness.
This one really burns my biscuits. It ruins comedy. People read or hear something and they’re offended, so they feel they must make it so no one can hear or see what offended them. What jerk wads. If something makes me uncomfortable, I change the channel. I have that ability. Stop letting television raise your stupid kids and be an effing parent, you sorry wastes of space.
8. Me not being good at sports other than basketball.
My number one loved sport is basketball. I’m quite decent at it. At least I used to be. Since I’ve become the equivalent of a humpback whale after it’s ate a whole years worth of buffet food I’m not sure how good I am anymore. But I like to play other sports too. Yesterday I attempted tennis. I was so angry at myself for sucking at it. Want to know how much I sucked at it? I was serving. I tossed the ball up. And I swung my racket with all my might, just to miss the ball completely. To make matters worse, these 12 years olds on the court next to me were laughing at me, which wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t witness one of them playing WHILE talking on a cell phone.
9. People who quote jokes that are from 1997.
I don’t mind movie quotes from funny movies. That can start a great conversation. Plus there is nothing more guy like than trading Monty Python quotes. But you can’t say “Wasssssuppppppppp!” anymore. And guess what guy who’s in his mid 40’s. You might be a redneck jokes aren’t funny anymore either. You might be a redneck if you still laugh at redneck jokes. You might also be a redneck if your mom/sister cheats on you with your brother/cousin cause you joke using dated material.
Here is a chart that might help you better understand the things that I hate.
I own a game that is called “Game of Things”. In this game, someone reads a card and you write something that goes along with that. It can be for real or humorous. Guess which I tend to lean to? I have went through the game and picked out a few cards that I found were the best, and I have supplied the answer I would give to it.
CARD: Things that make you gag.
MY ANSWER: The fact that Nicholas Cage has a career.
CARD: Things you shouldn’t say to your wife.
MY ANSWER: Do you enjoy these daily beatings?
CARD: Things you shouldn’t do in public.
MY ANSWER: walk around pants less and hump pedestrians.
CARD: Things you can do to get rid of unwanted guests.
MY ANSWER: Invite them to stay over and watch the upcoming massive puppy slaying.
CARD: Things you shouldn’t hold while riding a bike.
MY ANSWER: my man bags.
CARD: Things you shouldn’t say to a police officer.
MY ANSWER: You can look any where but the trunk.
CARD: Things that are useless.
MY ANSWER: Anything I’ve ever been involved with or bears my name or touch.
CARD: Things a chimp thinks about when he sees you at the zoo.
MY ANSWER: I could easily hit him in the face with flying poo.
CARD: Things you could use as an excuse on judgement day.
MY ANSWER: Who even knows what covet means?
CARD: Things dogs are actually saying when they bark.
MY ANSWER: If you were blind I’d lead you into the street.
CARD: Things that very old people shouldn’t do.
MY ANSWER: Breathe.
CARD: Things you shouldn’t use as an opening line.
MY ANSWER: Would you mind lowering your standards and giving me a shot?
CARD: Things you shouldn’t say to your children.
MY ANSWER: Please stop proving to me that you were a mistake.
CARD: Things you would like to add to the Ten Commandments.
MY ANSWER: Thou shalt show Johnny pity and cuddle with him.
CARD: Things you shouldn’t write on a Valentine’s card.
MY ANSWER: Could you not close your curtains on your window the next time you’re taking a shower? It blocks my line of sight when I’m in the bushes.
I was “tagged” on Facebook recently to write 15 random things about myself. I thought this would be good enough to write for my blog, and to not put on Facebook since I have more invested in Johnnyism (emotionally, not with any sort of currency or anything that matters). Please enjoy this list. Or don’t. This is America, you can do whatever you want.
1. I was asked to leave Toys ‘R’ Us after a woman was offended that I told her she smelled like cupcakes. In my defense, I thought it was a compliment, since I love me some cupcakes.
2. Someone once told me to wipe that stupid look off my face, to which I replied I could not, since it was my actual face that God had given me.
3. I used to believe that if you looked up into the sky and rain got into your eye, that it would forever change your eye color. Then I realized that I’m a complete moron.
4. I once took a construction cone from a church parking lot. It’s in my bedroom. I figured God had plenty of construction cones and I wasn’t doing any harm.
5. I always wear clothes to bed. Why you ask? I have this fear that the house will catch fire or someone will break in, and I’ll have to run outside. I do this for everyone’s sake.
6. I once made a half court shot during half time of a local high school basketball game. The cheerleaders brought out a jump rope, to which they hold about hip high to show people where to shoot from. I, however, ran, rolled under the rope, and came out of the role into a jump shot (in one motion) and nailed it. That was my five minutes of fame. I will now forever remember the day I did that. My glory days…
7. I’ve actually had girlfriends before. I know, it’s hard to believe but it’s true. I’d have one now if women didn’t have “standards” or actually “enjoyed my company.”
8. I have gotten so old that I now make sounds when I move. And I’m only 26.
9. I am currently averaging about a 93 in guitar hero world tour on the hard difficulty on the guitar. I am beyond proud of myself, and if I ever find a woman who pities me enough to let me give her my seed and bear me a child, I will tell that child this fact so that he may at least have one thing to be proud of his dad about.
10. I’m oddly fast in distances less than 2.5 inches.
11. I enjoy ketchup, but do not enjoy tomatoes. Also, I enjoy parts of a woman, but not her constant babbling.
12. I could really go for a chicken patty sandwich right about now.
13. I really enjoy playing games online on my Xbox 360. I also enjoy all kinds of things that could be considered “nerdy.” I am actually upset when I am playing Call of Duty World at War and go one game with getting 20 kills and 8 deaths and 8 assists and go for 4 kills and 17 deaths the next game. God can be cruel.
14. Dang, I really, really would like a chicken patty sandwich.
15. I’d write number 15, but I’m going to go eat a chicken patty sandwich.
BONUS: That chicken patty sandwich I just ate was delicious.
BONUS #2: The Carolina Duke game will be much better than any Superbowl. I try to understand why people like football so much more than basketball, but I fail to do so. But then again, this is the same country that supports Nicholas Cage making movies.