I figured it was time for a revised list of people I hate and why I hate them. These are the ones that anger me so much that I have to fight the urge to go into a major city mall and just start swinging a two by four wildly in the crowds.

1. Nicholas Cage.

Again, why all the hate? He has exactly ONE facial expression! ONE! That would be fine and dandy if you were playing a coma patient, but this guy is an “actor.” You could punch him in the face, kick him in the balls, and kill his dog, and his facial expression would never change. NEVER! His voice also never changes. Someone needs to pick up a hardback book and smack him in his receding hairline.

 

2. 11 year olds who play on Xbox Live.

Look, I don’t mind if 11 year olds play on Xbox Live. I do mind 11 year olds who think that by cussing they’re automatically put into the cool crowd. No. you’re not. You are annoying. Guess what kid? You’re going to grow up only to get laid off from your local Burger King. Hope you enjoy wellfare as you pay for groceries with food stamps.

 

3. All the comics in the newspaper besides Garfield.

I get the newspaper every day….and I always check out the comics. Sadly, there is nothing there to check out anymore! The days of Far Side are sadly gone. The only thing left that’s worth the print it’s printed on is Garfield. Dilbert is complete garbage. Did you know they still print Cathy? Hasn’t she shopped enough already? And please Beetle Bailey, you should have been discharged years ago. And for the love of everything sacred, let Ziggy get abducted by those stupid aliens. What happened to comics?

 

4. Old people who drive.

You can’t see that well. You aren’t able to drive above the speed of 25. And you pull out in front of me all the time! You should be thankful that I love my car more than I love myself (it’s my best quality) or I’d knock every one of your Buicks off to the side of the road. There would be a sea of broken Chrysler’s on the sides of the highways of North Carolina.

5. Valentine’s Day.

Is it a coincidence that Valentine’s Day is following Friday the 13th this year? I think not. They are both days full of bad luck and wishing to be murdered. Hallmark created this day to not only sell cards, but to really drive a point to those who have no one just how alone they are. I took the liberty of writing a few Valentine’s cards to Valentine’s Day.

Happy V-Day Valentine’s day. I hope someone hugs you till you suffocate and die.

Happy V-Day Valentine’s day! Thank you for reminding me that I’m a massive failure. I’ll be looking for you with a shot gun.

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!!! BEEP you! BEEP you! You’ve been seeing him haven’t you! You’ve been seeing that BEEP hole! OH GOD I LOVE YOU!!!! *this is where the card shows a picture of me down on my knees and sobbing into my hands uncontrollably.

 

6. Pizza Places serving other things other than pizza.

I do not want to have to choose between pizza or lasagna at a pizza place! BEEP you PIZZA HUT!!!

 

7. Political Correctness.

This one really burns my biscuits. It ruins comedy. People read or hear something and they’re offended, so they feel they must make it so no one can hear or see what offended them. What jerk wads. If something makes me uncomfortable, I change the channel. I have that ability. Stop letting television raise your stupid kids and be an effing parent, you sorry wastes of space.

8. Me not being good at sports other than basketball.

My number one loved sport is basketball. I’m quite decent at it. At least I used to be. Since I’ve become the equivalent of a humpback whale after it’s ate a whole years worth of buffet food I’m not sure how good I am anymore. But I like to play other sports too. Yesterday I attempted tennis. I was so angry at myself for sucking at it. Want to know how much I sucked at it? I was serving. I tossed the ball up. And I swung my racket with all my might, just to miss the ball completely. To make matters worse, these 12 years olds on the court next to me were laughing at me, which wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t witness one of them playing WHILE talking on a cell phone.

9. People who quote jokes that are from 1997.

I don’t mind movie quotes from funny movies. That can start a great conversation. Plus there is nothing more guy like than trading Monty Python quotes. But you can’t say “Wasssssuppppppppp!” anymore. And guess what guy who’s in his mid 40’s. You might be a redneck jokes aren’t funny anymore either. You might be a redneck if you still laugh at redneck jokes. You might also be a redneck if your mom/sister cheats on you with your brother/cousin cause you joke using dated material.

 

 

 

 

Here is a chart that might help you better understand the things that I hate.

chart-graph-johnnyism-things-i-hate

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