Do I have a low self-esteem? I don’t think I do. I think I have the most amazing self-esteem you could possibly have. Which is amazing considering I look like Chris Farley after he’s been beaten by a street gang of black guys. In this post, I shall try to give everyone an update on my dentist appointment. But my goal is that for every positive comment I make toward myself, I will also put a negative comment. I know this sounds backwards, but you’re rubber and I’m glue….I don’t remember how that ends but you’re stupid.

I finally got Dental insurance. This is amazing since it proves I am still employed, which I’m sure destroys many ongoing office pools. The amazing part about this is the fact that I haven’t been to a dentist since middle school. I thought I had amazing teeth considering, always brushing them and chewing gum. I was slightly nervous but managed to seem calm and collected on the outside. I can safely say this since I only peed myself a little bit.

Finally, I heard it. “Mr. Townsend?” My name came from the lips of a heavenly angel. A girl so beautiful my uglyness was highlighted being next to her. It was like Evangeline Lilly from ABC’s LOST leading around the hunchback of Notre Dame. As she laid me down on the chair, and looked over me with her hauntingly beautiful eyes I was in a trance. I was in love with this beautiful goddess. Then she jabbed my gums with sharp objects and the honeymoon was over. I was on the verge of wishing for gum disease. After she was done murdering my mouth, she told me what my x-rays said. She did so with the voice of a siren. If I was at sea I would of jumped overboard to get closer to the voice, only to smash into the rocks below.

I thanked her for being so brave to venture into my mouth, a place never ventured into before (please refrain from the homosexual jokes). Then she told me I had decent teeth considering I hadn’t been to the dentist since Clinton was in office leaving stains on dresses. She was insanely nice to me. The first woman to be nice to me. I was once told I should go put my head underneath a tractor tire, and that was by my mom (har har har, just kidding, my mom loves me). Here is a list of what some women have told me through the years.

“I really need you to go stick yourself into the mouth of a crocodile.”

“Look. I’m going to need you to stop talking to me.”

“I’m not even going to let you buy me free dinner.”

“Every time I see you, I wish you were someone more attractive.”

“I know you’re 26, but I think with technology now, you could still be aborted. And you should be.”

“You look like John Candy.” (my grandma actually said this one)


Now that I’ve told you those, I’ll tell you the positive things said to me, and all of them being from my mom.

“You’re handsome.”

“You’re going to have women coming after you in droves.”

“You could have any woman you want with your personality.”


See. Told you I would do both positive and negative comments. So did my John Candy looking tush ask anything of this hot dentist assistant lady? Heck no. I chickened out. That and her face gave all the signs of begging me not to start stalking her (I’ve seen that face enough to become an expert at recognizing it). So I said my goodbyes and walked out the door.

So what did we learn? Hmmmm…… I look like John Candy? No no that can’t be it. I’m one of those people who just looks like a creepy stalker that women think would slip a rufie to her? No no no. It’s that you can meet the most beautiful woman on the earth, and in the end, she’ll just make your gums hurt.