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Here you go.  The third instalment of my ongoing series on how to get a lady to notice you.

 

I’m starting a new segment here on Johnnyism. We all know my intense hatred of what I call “stupid music”. I’m looking at you, Nickelback. So I will begin to go through the top 40 songs getting air time on America’s radio and I will dissect them, lyric by lyric. I will be using Billboard’s list for this. I will post the lyrics, and then I will tell you what the artist is trying to say. This will be whatever genre too. Whatever I can pick out of the top 40. It’s all game.

Today’s song is…..

Soulja Boy – Kiss Me Thru The Phone

 

Baby, u know that I miss u
I wanna get with u
Tonight but I can’t now baby girl
And that’s the issue

He obviously has a girlfriend/baby’s mama that he’s unable to get to. Maybe he could be in jail? He could just be out on the road living that thug life. But the point he’s trying to make is that tonight he won’t be able to be with her.

 

Girl u know I miss u
I just wanna kiss u
But I can’t right now so baby
Kiss me through the phone

He still misses his girlfriend/baby’s mama. He would really enjoy attempting to kiss her. He just can’t right now you see? He’s not there. He can’t kiss her. So he would like for her to make out with the phone and pretend that phone is him. He’s going to pretend that the phone is her too, and then proceed to smash the phone repeatedly onto a table (wait, this is Soulja Boy, not Chris Brown).

 

Kiss me through the phone
(I’ll see u later on)

Kiss me through the phone

Kiss me through the phone
(See ya when I get home)

I think this is the chorus. In this incredible bit of poetry, the author just wants his lady to kiss him through the phone. Or kiss the phone. He doesn’t take into account that she could get germs. How inconsiderate. He also adds that he will see her later on, when he gets home, and when he does, I guess then she can still kiss him on the phone.

 

Baby, I know that u like me
U my future wifey
Soulja boy tell’em yea
U can be my bonnie
I can be yo’ clyde

Here he is obviously professing his love to her by referring to her as a “wifey” which is street slang for that crack hoe he banged and got pregnant. He also puts his own name in these parts just so she knows who’s future wifey she is. In the next two lines, he compares them to Bonnie and Clyde. He could of also went with Fred and Wilma, Turner and Hooch, Mickie and Minnie, or Scarecrow and Mrs. King.

 

U can be my wife
Text me, call me
I need u in my life
Yea all day
Everyday I need ya
And everytime I see ya
My feelings get deeper
I miss ya, I miss ya
I really wanna kiss ya
But I can’t(but I can’t)
678 triple 9 8212

Again he wants her to know they could be married and live the perfect life of scrapping on the streets and going from drug deal to drug deal. And although he may seem like a thug, he embraces new technology. He urges her to text him or call him since that will make her seem that she’s in even more of his life. She can text him while he’s banging some other shawty while he’s making his next record. With every text and every time he sees her, he apparently loves her more. He misses her so much that he wants to kiss her, but for some reason he just can’t. But he can apparently give out her phone number to the public.

 

Baby I’ve been thinkin lately
So much about u
Everything about u
I like it, I love it
Kissing u in public
Thinking nothing of it

He’s been reflecting. He’s been thinking about her. He deeply enjoys everything about her. From her drugged up blood shot eyes to her cocaine rotted out teeth. He really likes her, and really loves her, so much in fact, that he would hold her hand in public. He might even claim that baby as his. He doesn’t even think twice about hugging her. In front of people even!

 

She call my phone like da(20x)
We on da phone like da(20x)
We takin pics like da(20x)
She dial my numba like da(10x)
678 triple 9 8212

So she apparently calls his phone a lot. The word “da” apparently means more than once. So that means they’re on the phone a lot, they take pictures of each other a lot, she even dials his number a lot (which makes sense considering in the first part of this he stated that she calls his phone a lot, which would mean that she dials it a lot).

So, in conclusion, this song is fantastic. It really made me want to ram my head into a concrete mall like da.

I’m going to end all these with a song I like. Please enjoy this weeks Johnnyism pick.

This week’s pick:  The Airborne Toxic Event – Gasoline

Currently my allergies are smacking me around. I cannot breathe out of my nostrils. So here is a list of things I would do if it would get me my ability to breathe out of my nose.

*I would kill a family of tiger cubs in front of their tiger cub cousins.

*I would murder a goat in front of it’s own mother.

*I would strangle kittens with my bare hands in front of a group of orphaned children.

*I would beat a small hamster until it’s lifeless body withered in agony.

*I would let Ric Flair chop me and then let his sweat drop onto my face.

*I would smother a gopher and then throw it’s stiff dead body at it’s father.

My point is I would really like to breathe out of my nose. Is that so much to ask? I think not.

1. Chris Brown and Rihanna

So he beats her until she is almost unrecognizable. He kept beating her. It was as if he was beating her, got tired of beating her, took a five minute break, then beat her some more. His career should be over. The funny part of this story is the fact that Rihanna went back to him and they are dating again… Why do women do this? He showed her he loved her with his fists. And she went back to him. Cause she loves him I guess? I’ll never understand women. He beat me so much I had to go to the hospital, but gosh darn it I love him. He hit me with a Louisville Slugger, but I know deep down he really loves me. See how crazy that sounds? Maybe that’s what I’m doing wrong, I’m not beating the women I’m around.

 

I show her I care with flowers and a fist to the mouth.

I show her I care with flowers and a fist to the mouth.

 

2. Chimp Attacks Woman

So you get a call from your friend. And she asks you to come over and help her calm her pet monkey down. A monkey she is way to close to. So you go over there out of the goodness of your heart. The end result is that the monkey ate your face off.

chimpanzee

Hmmm…I think I’ll eat some old woman’s face today…

 

3. Charles Barkley Jail Time

Charles Barkley, known as a legend in basketball who never won a championship, was sentenced to jail time for a DUI incident. Perhaps that would explain his golf swing.

 

4.  Johnnyism videos

I have started videos that I will be putting up on my facebook and on youtube.  First up is my series on how to get ladies to notice you.  And since I’m not above whore’ing myself out, even on my own blog, I will show you one of those videos. 

I’ve had some lady friends ask me a question. No, it’s not are you single. Sadly they never ask me that. They do ask me what men are thinking. So I’m going to answer that for you. Men are always thinking about three basic things. Those things are eat, sleep and sex. That’s exactly why I’m fat, tired all the time, and always having to get a new pillow. I will now attempt to tell you about the main types of guys.

1. Overconfident good looking guy. Yeah he’s attractive. He knows he is. What’s more all the women know he’s hot so they don’t care how much of a jerk he is.

2. The shirtless guy. This is the guy who ALWAYS finds an excuse to take off his shirt. It is beyond annoying. It’s like when they put sex in a movie when it doesn’t really add anything to the movie.

3. Sports guy. Sports are beyond important to him. He might pay you attention, just not on game day.

Ok here is the deal. I didn’t actually plan on writing a blog about types of guys. I thought of the pillow line at work today and it made me laugh out loud at my own joke so hardcore that I had to work it in. That’s how proud I am of it.

So what I will write about is my day. You see, it snowed last night. I had told many people that I was tired of these “tease” snows. You know, snows that barely snow and don’t even cover the roads. I wanted snow that would get me out of work the next day.

I wake up this morning to about 5 to 6 inches of snow. A minute of joy feels my empty heart. Then I’m told I have to go to work. So anger ensues. So then I get in my mustang and drive to work. On roads that are so bad that no soul should be driving on them. I was so angry that I had to go in. I was thinking about how it was like I was in Nazi controlled Germany. Being told what to do. Being told to risk my car (notice how I value my car more so than I value me). I felt like a jew just before being asked to take a final shower.

So I was angry at work all day. Just wanted a day off and apparently God did not see fit to let me have that one small favor. Just one small favor so I’ll know that life is more than sadness and being crapped on. So after renouncing my religion, I made it through the day. I was sort of happy when I was walking out the door and walking to my car to leave. Then it happened. In slow motion, my right foot slipped up from underneath me on some ice in the parking lot and down I went. Slowly my butt and knee smashed the ground. The dvd’s I had in my hands went flying up into the air and littered on top of me and the ground surrounding me. I sat there for a minute and pondered what had just happened…

I climbed up off the ground. I dusted the snow off my pants. Physically I was not harmed. My knee was smarting for a minute, but overall I was physically ok. My dignity, however, may never recover. So I tell you this to teach you a lesson. That lesson is that while your day may be bad, it will probably get worse.