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I’m a pretty tough guy.  How tough am I?  I’ve been alone for the past 14 years and have yet to kill myself.  But that’s not the only thing that proves my toughness.  I will now commence to list to you the things I know I could beat up. 

1.  A small kitten. 

He’s small and all he does is meow.  Plus let’s just go ahead and say he’s been abandoned, I don’t want to have to deal with his kitten family.  He’d meow at me, and I’d kick him in his furry face.  A small kitten doesn’t stand a chance.

 
2.  Fourteen seven-year-olds

I believe that I could take on fourteen kids who are of the age of seven and below.  My guess is that they will at one point try to surround me and jump on me at once.  This is when I commence to hold one in a head lock and tell another that their parents never loved them and that they’re the reason they don’t have a dad and their mom drinks every night till she can’t feel feelings.  Eventually, of course, the numbers game would come into play. 

 
3.  A 94 year-old paraplegic in a wheel chair.

What are they going to do?  Look at me?  I wouldn’t even have to lay a hand on them, just push their wheel chair outside so they have to hear the kids these days drive by playing their bump bump music.  Or I could punch them in the face.

 
4.  Charlie Brown and 6 other Peanuts characters.

Charlie Brown wouldn’t stand a chance.  For one, he can’t even kick a football, AND he goes to therapy.  Plus he kind of deserves a swift smack of justice to the face for that horrendous Christmas tree he found. 

 
5.  Chuck Norris.

Of course, I meant Chuck Norris fifteen years from now, banking on my theory that he will be dead and I won’t be.  Of course this could be thwarted if Chuck Norris defies logic and lives to be 275 years old, and I’m ended by my decision for just one more cheeseburger. 
So there you have it.  Those are the just some of the reasons why I’m a tough guy.  What’s that?  You want to challenge me?  WELL BRING IT!!! Wait, you say you took karate classes and have a black belt?   Oh…um…give me a sec would ya?  I just remembered I left something on somewhere that needs to be attended to at sometime..

1. SWINE FLU

The swine flu has swept across the world and almost tens of people in the United States have died from it.  Regardless of the fact that it’s pretty much the same as regular flu (which regularly ends lives every year, especially in older folk and small folk), the news has decided it worth while to spread fear and panic among people.  They’re doing this because it is their duty to save the public, especially saving themselves financially.  A little known fact about swine flu:  It first started in 1972, when a young curious man named Benjamin Beanbottom found himself with a beautiful bird and an attractive pig.  One thing led to another and they all ended up in a three way tirade of beer and love.  Two days later Mr. Beanbottom found out that all three of them had the flu before the event (this story is very similar to how AIDS began, except with a different guy and a monkey).  This is why it’s very important for everyone to realize that before you enter any kind of relationship with both a bird and a pig, you should all three get checked out for influenza. 

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The swine flu may seem terrible, but it’s bringing together people of all creeds.  In the picture above, an african american woman administers a swine flu shot to a white man.  Afterwards, they went out for drinks at the bar, although two different ones since she wasn’t allowed in the same one he was.

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They wear face masks in Mexico to avoid the swine flu, and to avoid other Mexicans.

 

2.  PRESIDENT TELLS CITIZENS THAT THEY NEED TO WASH THEIR HANDS

During his television time this past week, President Obama was asked about how to avoid the swine flu.  He promptly stood up, got a stern look in his face, pointed at the camera and told America it needed to wash it’s hands.  He then told America to brush their teeth and to be in bed by 10 since they had school tomorrow. 

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not only should you wash your hands to help you fight against swine flu, you should also be sure that bird and pig you’re having relationships with are also doing the same.

 

3.  PRESIDENT OBAMA’S PRESIDENCY HIT’S THE 100 DAYS MARK

It’s now been 100 days since Obama got into office.  Now, I’m not one to complain and I know it’s only been 100 days, but Mr. President, I have yet to get a new house and to be able to quit my job.  I was under the impression that when you got into office things would be different and I wouldn’t have to work for anything.  So…get on that.

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This graphic only cost the American people 3 billion dollars.

 

4.  CHRYSLER GOES BANKRUPT

Chrysler went bankrupt this week.  The bad economy is what was blamed.  Now that is partially true.  The biggest reason though is that the people who bought their cars are now in their 60s. 

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Another reason Chrysler went bankrupted?  They believed that wood pannels were a good idea.

 

5.  AIR FORCE ONE FLIES LOW FOR A PHOTO OP IN NEW YORK, PANIC INSUES

For the sake of getting a good picture, someone decided that it would be a grand idea to fly a huge plane lower than usual in New York.  Now, I’m not the brightest guy, but even I would think twice about that.  Luckily there was outrage over the incident, which prompted them to cancel their next photo op in which they were going to hand a bunch of jews some swastikas and tell them they won a free camping trip. 

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This is also the exact same plane on which President Harrison Ford asked a terrorist to get off his plane before politely kicking him off.