It’s 2010 and that means it’s time for you, my loyal readers, to find out what my New Years Resolutions are as well as my Horoscopes.  I will not let you down.  Unless I do let you down.  Which in that case it probably means your expectations were much too high. 

NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS

I don’t make typical resolutions.  Most people who make them do not keep them for more than three months.  Resolutions such as exercise more, eat better, be more on time, etc.  I make real resolutions.  Ones that I vow to keep.

1.  I will not murder any small rabbits unless they run in front of my car.  If they do that, then they’re on their own.  I can’t help that rabbits are suicidal.

2.  I will continue to hate deer.  Ever since one RAN INTO ME while driving I have vowed to hate them.  I will continue to do so.  I promise that if I ever see more deer, I will pull over, I will find the most blunt object I can find and beat them senseless in front of their deer children. 

3.  I will tell myself that I’m going to eat better, but instead I will eat so much that after eating, I will think about how much I hate myself and how this is what I deserve.

4.  I promise to promote myself more.  I will put myself in everyone’s face.  I’m aware of how that sounded, and I’m ok with that.  Enjoy my blogs.  Enjoy my art.  Enjoy my creativity! 

5.  I will not slip on any banana peels.  This is actually pretty easy.  The only time I’ve ever done this is when I experimented to see if banana peels were actually slippery.  UPDATE:  They are.
 

 

YOUR 2010 HOROSCOPES

ARIES:  Love is in the air.  You will find someone and fall in love with them.  This will last for a good and happy 2 weeks before you realize that you’re actually dating a flying squirrel and that it had been cheating on you with the chipmunk down the street.

LEO:  It’s time for a career change.  You will realize that you deserve better than what you are currently doing and will finally apply for that fast food restaurant drive thru manager job.  Not only will you get that job, but you’ll also be able to get that used Mini Van you had been having your eyes on.  After this you will realize how horrendous your life is and become a hermit who goes around the country molesting 25 year old men.

SAGITTARIUS:  The stars will align for you.  Not only will you win the lottery, but that one person you really hate will become homeless.  You know who I’m talking about.  Yeah, that guy. 

TAURUS:  I want to tell you this will be a good year for you, but truth is, nothing good will happen to you this year and nothing good ever will. 

VIRGO:  You will begin a long term relationship that will end once your significant other realizes that you were always lip syncing while playing as the lead singer on Rock Band 2.

CAPRICORN:  Your mind will run rampant with thoughts that you are destined for greater things.  I’ll save you some time, you aren’t.

GEMINI:  The highlight of your year will be when you purchase Gremlins 2 on blu-ray.  This will prompt you to reevaluate your life and for your friends to put you in a psych ward for your own safety.

LIBRA:  This year will be full of events that are both good and bad.  You will find love, but that person will be hideously fat.  You will get a good job, but you will hate it.  You will make new friends, but they will despise you.  You will see a movie trailer that makes you really want to see a movie, but then you’ll discover that Nicholas Cage is in it.

AQUARIUS:  You will tell yourself that you will finally get things on track only to discover that you will spend the whole year doing nothing to make yourself go forward.  You will be told how great you are only to realize that no one knows who you are nor what you do.  Also, you will release a bunch of Youtube videos that 3 people will like.

CANCER:  You will realize that your hair will never end up the way you want it to.  I’m sorry, but it’s best you just realize that so you can move on.

SCORPIO:  You will strive to accomplish all the goals you have set with your life.  You will actually accomplish 3% of them.  But keep your chin up.  If Obama can win a Nobel Prize for doing nothing, then you can win a prize for sleeping in bed all day.

PISCES:  The stars say that 2010 will be your year.  And by your year I mean you will finally be able to get a patent for your time machine, even though two monkeys had died during your experiments. 
I hope everyone has a great 2010.

Advertisements