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Hello my loyal fan base.  Ever wonder what really happened to some of your favorite child hood heroes?  Wonder no more!  I have done extensive research into this very question.  I even scored an exclusive interview with someone who used to be a major villain back in the day.

1. Wimpy

Most of you will remember Wimpy for his appearances on Popeye.  Wimpy was a beloved character who’s catchphrase about paying back people for a cheeseburger won him a place in the heart of millions.  Unfortunately for him, Popeye himself suffered from malnutrition (all he ever ate was spinach) and was unable to keep the show going.  Wimpy would fade from the lime light.

After Popeye, Wimpy made a decent living from being a spokesman for cheeseburgers.  He had to quit the job after his knees were broken for not paying back his debts.  “He just kept saying he’d pay them Tuesday.  I told him he should pay for those cheeseburgers, but Wimpy just ignored me and finished his Big Mac I bought him.” said a family friend I interviewed over the phone.  “After his knees were broken he became a sad man and his weight ballooned up to 545 pounds.”

Today Wimpy can be found in the Nature’s Peaceful Valley Nursing Home.  Wimpy lost his toes to diabetes seven years ago.  I wasn’t able to interview Wimpy himself because when I got there he was asleep with cheeseburger crumbs all over his shirt and slobber down his face.

2. Skeletor

Skeletor rose to fame by being a ruthless villain who was known for his madness and brutality.  The skeletor now is a different man.  “After the show I fell on hard times.” Skeletor told me in an exclusive interview.  “I finally went to the doctor and found out I have this rare skin condition in which I don’t have any skin on my face.”  Skeletor tried to find another acting job and soon found out he was typecast.  He tried for many parts in movies but lost them to what he calls “people with skin on their skulls.”  The last straw was when he lost the part of the main role in Braveheart.  “They told me they liked my audition but they decided to go in another direction.  When I asked them why they gave the part to Mel Gibson, they told me because they couldn’t see his skull.”

Skeletor soon found out he would have to find work in another field or he’d be homeless.  After taking classes for anger management, he got a government job as a driving instructor for the state of Nevada.  While he wouldn’t tell us where or how he lived, he did leave me with this quote.  “I’m alone.  Can you believe that?  I’m famous!  I’m Skeletor!  I thought that would be enough to find me a girl to settle down with, but I was wrong.  What girl wants to be with a guy who has no skin on his face?”

3.  Shredder

Shredder was insanely famous in the early 90’s.  Known as the guy with the metal stuff and claws who hated turtles, he became an icon for future villains to follow.  I had heard rumors that after he fell from fame he moved to the west coast and joined a nudist colony.  I got lucky when a source of mine told me he was actually staying in a two bedroom apartment with Bebop in Montana.  I scored an exclusive interview with the guy.  Here is an excerpt from that interview.

ME: So Mr. Shredder, what ever happened to your iconic costume?

SHREDDER:  I ended up selling it on eBay for 50 bucks so I could buy a week’s worth of cheese pizzas.  I never liked that helmet anyway.  The network made me wear it to make me seem “more scary”.

ME:  Whatever happened to Krang?

SHREDDER:  I lost touch with him years ago.  Last I heard he was in Dimension X running for governor.

ME:  What about the Ninja Turtles?  Do you even like turtle soup?

SHREDDER:  (breaks down and sobs) I HATE TURTLE SOUP!!!  (pauses and we give him some time to get a grip of himself) I really hated those turtles.  Everything I tried to do they ruined!  Behind the scenes Leonardo used his pull to make sure I got second billing and was made to look stupid.  But what do I know?  I should have been as ruthless as him.  I mean, look at me?  I’m living here with Bebop ’cause I can’t afford a place on my own and Leonardo is the President of Nickelodeon.

4.  Jubilee

Jubilee was yet another teen who rose to fame and became hated for it.  She was in the very first episode of “X-Men” along with more famous actors like Logan and Scott Summers.  While the other X-Men rose to new heights of fame, Jubilee became hated by fans for ruining story lines.  She joined the X-Men as a teenager and was fired from the X-Men as a teenager for being lame.

Jubilee may have been the hardest person to track down.  She doesn’t do interviews nor does she talk to anyone about her past.  She now works as the day shift manager at a local Burger King.

5.  Fred Flintstone

Fred Flintstone enjoyed years and years of popularity.  He was America’s hero.  Kids looked up to him and adult males wanted to be him.  Then the bottom fell out…

Five years after the last episode of The Flintstones aired, authorities were called to the home of Fred and Wilma Flintstone.  Fred Flintstone was then arrested for domestic violence.  He claimed it was her fault that he hit her since all he wanted to do was go bowling without her nagging.  Wilma got her divorce and married John Candy soon after that (she had a type).

Mr. Flintstone now runs a bar and strip club in Iowa.  While he wished to not be interviewed, he did tell me that he’s “happy” now and is making decent money at his club and enjoys his free time hanging out with his stripper girlfriend Bubbles.

6. Donald Duck

Donald Duck was a beloved television star, second only to Bugs Bunny and Mickey Mouse.  After everyone thought his career was over, he reinvented himself and got himself some guest appearances on the hit show “Ducktales.”  Then the bottom fail out.

It started after an ugly incident in Beverly Hills, California when Donald Duck was arrested for indecent exposure outside of a night club.  You would think this would have been a wake up call to the famous fowl, but no.  He was then discharged from the Navy for failing and refusing to comply with the Navy’s strict dress code.  When he was asked why, he simply said “Donald don’t do pants.”

A year passed when Social Services was called to the home of Mr. Duck.  They took his three nephews from his custody when it was discovered that he was still not wearing pants.  “It just felt wrong to wear pants.” Was all he could say.

A source told me that Donald Duck is living in a one bedroom apartment and has a temp job as a telemarketer.  He picked this job so he could do the job from his home and not have to wear pants.

UPDATE:: Donald Duck was fired from his telemarketer job after the company he worked for kept getting complaints about not being able to understand him.  Mr. Duck is currently unemployed and hopes that Obama’s new health care bill will help him.

Recently it has become apparent to me that I must help save the human race.  There is a threat out there that will destroy us all.  I propose that we get to them before they get to us.  And they will get to us.  “What’s the threat?” you ask?  Kittens.  You heard me right.  Kittens.  And if we don’t brutally murder each and every last one of them then the human race will cease to exist and all hope will be lost. 

Now I’m aware that murdering kittens may not come across as “right” or “what humans do.”  But you see if we do not take out this menace then we will suffer the consequences.  I know you are asking yourself right now just what proof I have.  Fear not, dear reader, for I will expose myself for this cause and save the world under the threat of ridicule (EDITORS NOTE: Exposing himself is what also got the author banned from the states of Mississippi, Iowa, Oregon, and certain parts of Canada).  What I am about to say will shock you.  Kittens have been behind every major disaster in the history of mankind.  And I have proof. 

1. Hurricane Katrina

New Orleans is flooded when Hurricane Katrina struck.  New Orleans is built under sea level.  Who told people to build a city below sea level?  Kittens did.  And what are the first three letters of Katrina?  Kat.  Kat is how an infant spells cat when they are sounding it out.  A cat is an adult kitten.  Can this just be a coincidence?  I think not.

2. The Hindenburg Disaster

On May 6, 1937 The Hindenburg caught fire.  What did the Hindenburg do?  It flew.  What also flies?  Birds do.  Who hates birds?  Kittens.  Kittens became outraged when man decided it was going to fly like a bird instead of lick themselves like a kitten and set out to get revenge.  Kittens knew where to light a match on the Hindenburg and did so.  Still think kittens aren’t behind it all?

3.  JFK Assassination

When JFK was assassinated it was a major blow to America.  Many believe that Lee Harvey Oswald alone was responsible for the act.  This simply is not true.  Kittens are responsible.  How do I know?  President John F. Kennedy went by JFK.  JFK is three letters long.  Now take those three letters and multiply it by two.  You now have six letters.  What else has six letters?  Kitten!  It was right in front of our faces the whole time!

4.  John Lennon Killed

John Lennon was murdered by Mark David Chapman.  Or so it would seem.  The word “mark” is like “marking” a spot.  Kittens mark where they go pee.  Mark David Chapman is made up of 16 letters.  This obviously means that John Lennon was murdered by 16 kittens in a trench coat who pretended to want an autograph.  You can’t make this stuff up!  Don’t let the kittens get away with this!

5.  Nazi’s rise to power in Germany

Nazi has the letter “z” in it.  “Z” is only 15 letters away from the letter “k.”  “Kitten” starts with “k”.  It gets more odd from here folks.  The swastika, the symbol for the Nazi’s, has four “legs”  What else has four legs?  KITTENS!  Also, if you look closely at ANY photo of Adolf Hitler, you can clearly see that his mustache is actually just a kitten hanging from his nose and held on by duct tape.

You see folks?  It is the time for action.  I have reason to believe that not only will kittens rise up and surprise attack us, but that they are in cahoots with killer whales as well.  Let’s obliterate every kitten we see and make killer whales into “killed” whales.

This photo was taken at a kitten terrorist training facility. 

(editors note: This was all complete stupidity and is not in any way something that’s real.  The fact that I have to put up that this blog site is purely myself spitting out the stupidity I think of that makes me laugh and is in no shape or form something I think is actually real or fact proves that there are people out there who are stupid)

Some Truths I Can’t Possibly Back Up With Facts or Actual Evidence
1.  Nicholas Cage is made up of fourteen failed former child actors who get revenge on the world by putting out bad movie after bad movie.

2.  Abraham Lincoln was shot, but he actually survived the attack.  What killed him was his wife constantly nagging him.  Am I right fellas?  Fellas??

3.  Everytime you touch yourself a homeless person gets food and water.

4.  In Antarctica it is illegal for penguins to cheat on their SAT’s.

5.  Sometimes I say intelligent things.

6.  Napoleon wasn’t that short.  He was alive during the “Big World Period” in which most humans grew to abnormally tall sizes. 

7.  If you cut off someone’s hands then they can’t play piano.

8.  Unlike the famous classic commercial, Native Americans are unable to cry.  The commercial was done with strings and special effects.

9.  Not only are aliens from another planet here among us, but they’re also Jewish.

10. Johnny Townsend was the first man to set foot on the soundstage where they faked the moon landing.

11.  Jessica Simpson averages approx. 4.3 boyfriends a week.

12.  Chicken tastes like polar bear.

13.  Johnny has made up 1.5 bajillion facts.

14.  A monkey is able to fling its own poo for 170 yards.  It can also give you AIDS. 

15.  If you ever see a bull in a china shop, then that bull probably has a good job and makes decent money.