Some Truths I Can’t Possibly Back Up With Facts or Actual Evidence
1.  Nicholas Cage is made up of fourteen failed former child actors who get revenge on the world by putting out bad movie after bad movie.

2.  Abraham Lincoln was shot, but he actually survived the attack.  What killed him was his wife constantly nagging him.  Am I right fellas?  Fellas??

3.  Everytime you touch yourself a homeless person gets food and water.

4.  In Antarctica it is illegal for penguins to cheat on their SAT’s.

5.  Sometimes I say intelligent things.

6.  Napoleon wasn’t that short.  He was alive during the “Big World Period” in which most humans grew to abnormally tall sizes. 

7.  If you cut off someone’s hands then they can’t play piano.

8.  Unlike the famous classic commercial, Native Americans are unable to cry.  The commercial was done with strings and special effects.

9.  Not only are aliens from another planet here among us, but they’re also Jewish.

10. Johnny Townsend was the first man to set foot on the soundstage where they faked the moon landing.

11.  Jessica Simpson averages approx. 4.3 boyfriends a week.

12.  Chicken tastes like polar bear.

13.  Johnny has made up 1.5 bajillion facts.

14.  A monkey is able to fling its own poo for 170 yards.  It can also give you AIDS. 

15.  If you ever see a bull in a china shop, then that bull probably has a good job and makes decent money.