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Today’s Headlines….

In the Lebron James decision, ESPN broadcasted an hour-long special in which Lebron James made the country wait for almost 40 minutes to tell us what team he would play for.  In related news, I will announce what friend I’m going to hang out with this weekend in a special hour-long program to air on ABC. 

Lady Gaga plays John Lennon’s famous white piano, causing many Beatles fans to cry foul.  The more suprising part of this is the fact that Lady Gaga can play piano.

BP has finished placing a brand new seal over the oil leak.  If this doesn’t work, the next step will be throwing pieces of beef jerky down the pipe in hopes that Jennifer Love Hewitt will follow it.

Sarah Palin’s people skills have been growing stronger and stronger.  However, her get in the kitchen and make a sandwich skills have been sadly declining.

Scott Stapp, lead singer from the once popular band Creed, welcomed a new son.  No word on if he welcomed his child “with arms wide open.”

Mel Gibson was caught saying a death threat to his girl friend.  In Gibson’s defense, he thought his girl friend was Jewish.

In this new segment, I review movies without having seen them.  Today’s movie review is The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (I also haven’t seen any of the movies in this series). 

PLOT: A girl (named Bella apparently) is easily attracted to non-human beings.  After her relationship with a goat ends, she turns her attention to an emo vampire.  She desperately wants to become a vampire.  The emo vampire says no, as he prefers to listen to Fall Out Boy while watching episodes of Boy Meets World instead.  Bella is devastated by the news, so she decides to go out with a guy who can turn into a terrible looking CG dog.  Bella cannot decide which one she likes more.  The emo vampire guy is romantic and the guy who can turn into a terrible looking CG dog is allergic to wearing shirts.  The vampire and the CG dog get into a heated argument over Bella, thus leading to an epic showdown battle at the end.  Both sides lose however when it is discovered that Bella has already begun a relationship with Frankenstein.

ACTING:  Kristen Stewart does a fine job as Bella, and by fine I mean on the MTV reality television show acting fine.  Robert Pattinson does his best to convince you he’s not into men, and Taylor Lautner has the most difficult acting job of all by constantly walking around without a shirt on.

FINAL THOUGHT:  I would rather watch the newer Star Wars movies than any of the Twilight Series.  Now, I know I am not the target audience for this kind of movie, but I guess I always hope teen girls and women would have better taste in movies.  Watch the show Supernatural instead, it’s much, much better than this (even tho I haven’t seen these movies, I still feel I can make that guarantee). 

WHO SHOULD SEE THIS MOVIE:  Teen girls who think Ke$ha is talented and older women who are upset that they’re getting older.

RATING:  Fifty “How Do These Movies Make This Much Money’s”

It’s America’s Birthday today.  The day that America was officially founded.  In this episode of my blog, I will celebrate America with some facts about it’s founding.  You’re welcome.

-George Washington’s teeth were false as the legend holds.  But they were actually made out of skulls of small kittens.

-America was discovered in 1974, when Tobey Maguire first landed here accidently when he was on his way to find a new passage to India.

-Benjamin Franklin not only invented many things, he also was an alcoholic.  And he did drugs.  He also was the father of many illegitimate children. 

-Fireworks were named after Lloyd B. Fireworks, who invented the colorful explosive while also blowing off his own left hand.

-George Washington liked to smack the buttocks of his soldiers during battle after they made a “good shot.”

-Benjamin Franklin invented Microsoft.

-John Adams, who would go on to become the second president, was against Thomas Jefferson writing any important document, stating that “John Hancock had much prettier handwriting and was easier to read.”

-The American Flag was actually created and sewn by a badger.

-America gained it’s independence from Brittain, defeating every one of their ninjas.

-George Washington only ever told one lie.  After chopping down a cherry tree, he told his father that he hadn’t done it, and then proceeded to blame it on George W. Bush.

-During many of the meetings of the Founding Fathers, Benjamin Franklin was often yelled at for “constant and excessive texting.”

Those are just some of the facts about the founding of America.  See what happens when you pay attention to history class?  Enjoy your holiday and be safe.  Over and out!