You are currently browsing the monthly archive for February 2011.

In today’s installment of what I know, everything I know about dolphins.

1.  Not only can dolphins swim, they can also do a mean Bill Cosby impression.

2.  Dolphins like to put “Slippery When Wet” stickers on other dolphins backs when they’re not looking.

3.  In 1992, a gang of dolphins robbed and beat an old woman nearly to death.  The case was thrown out, however, when for the crime the judge could not find a porpoise.

4.  Just like most humans, dolphins do not find Kathy Griffin funny.

5.  While being one of the most famous dolphins, Flipper was also an alcoholic.

6.  A sit com starring two dolphins and a baby titled “Two and a Half Fins” was cancelled when the producers discovered there was another sit com with a similar title.

7.  Most dolphins can get into any college of their choosing.

8.  Dolphins still kick themselves for not being there to save Leonardo DiCaprio when the Titanic sank.

These dolphins are actually planning the eventual invasion of the humans.  They got this from a Simpsons episode and thought it seemed like a pretty good idea.

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In today’s installment of what I know, it’s everything I know about Justin Bieber.  Please do not fact check these.  For if you do, then you’ll discover how ignorant I am (editor’s note: the author is pretty ignorant).

1.  Justin Bieber was raised by a pack of badgers.  This is why his hair is so nice.

2.  Justin Bieber is actually 84 years old.

3.  Justin Bieber does not know who Abraham Lincoln was, but does believe that Usher should be on the face of the penny.

4.  Usher discovered Justin Bieber by accident when he typed in “pretty teenage singing girls” on Youtube.com. 

5.  Justin Bieber liked to wear a dress until he entered high school.

6.  Justin Bieber is wanted in Canada for tax evasion.

7.  Justin Bieber wears a wig and is actually completely bald.

8.  Justin Bieber once stepped on a weasel.

9.  Justin Bieber hangs out with black people.

10.  Justin Bieber really enjoys the Canadian Healthcare system.  This is why he has had all his numerous cosmetic surgeries in Quebec.

11.  Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber fell in love when they discovered they both really liked that Hannah Montana show.

12.  Justin Bieber lost a finger in a freak toaster oven accident. 

This ten-year old girl is actually Justin Bieber

More What I Know About Bears

>Bears refuse to believe that the first three episodes of Star Wars ever happened.

>Bears enjoy a mild climate.  This is purely due to the fact that with a milder climate, there are more humans to maul.

>A bear once came in 3rd in the Boston Marathon.

>Macaulay Culkin’s stunt double during the Home Alone movies was a bear.

>Bears can not only stand on their back feet, they can also shadow box.

>95% of bears are Scientologists.

This is the deadly Bi-Polar Bear.  One minute you think it’s all cute, then the next minute it’s biting your head off because you happened to think that American Idol has run it’s course.

These bears pretend to be all caring, but actually they’re federally wanted drug dealers.

This bear won the 1984 National Spelling Bee and also became The World Sewing Champion in 1992.

This famous bear was known for his stand up comedy which not only led him to have a long running sit-com in which he was married to an out of his league attractive woman, but also to many stints in rehab.

In a stunning showing of survival, this Polar Bear lived on top of a giant frozen mushroom for 44 days before realizing it could probably swim.

These bears were caught in the middle of a slow motion run and hug.  Or a bear hug if you will (for those keeping count, that is approximately the 4569th bear pun I have ever come up with).

This bear is considered one of the creepiest bears around, simply for the fact that it always wears pants but never wears a shirt.

This bear is wanted in fourteen states for vicious pic-nic basket robberies.

In a new series here on my blog, I will begin to tell you about things I know about.  By doing so I am sure to not only impress you with my vast knowledge, but prove to all those doubters that I am as smart as I pretend to be.

These are the things I know about bears.  Stephen Colbert has been right all along, these beasts are natures butchering machines.

1.  People in the middle ages at one time thought bears could fly.  These people were idiots.  Everyone knows that bears do not fly, they glide from tree to tree.

2.  Everyone assumes that Dr. James Naismith invented the game of basketball.  Actually it was invented by a polar bear named Jim.

3.  A bear not only is responsible for the Great Chicago Fire, it also successfully wrote a newspaper story that influenced the nation to blame a cow.

4.  Bears are very good typists.

5.  Bears are able to dunk at the age of 4.

6.  Bears are known to steal human infants and make them knit their socks for pennies a day.

7.  Can bears drive?  Oh yeah.  But they’re picky drivers.  You will never see a bear behind the wheel of a Kia.

8.  You know what’s so great about bears?  Nothing.  Nothing at all.

9.  Never agree to watch a movie with a bear.  They will only watch The Notebook.

10.  Bears are afraid of butter, but not afraid of margarine.

11.  BONUS BEAR FACT: Bears are big fans of Joshua Jackson.

12  DOUBLE BONUS BEAR FACT:  Bears like to listen to Barry Manilow while working out.