Aries: You will be chosen as the new voice for the AFLAC duck. You will then become king of all the ducks with your power of speech. You will reign supreme over all the ducks, and you will also enjoy the luxury of no longer having to wear pants.
Leo: You will finally have 2000 friends on Facebook. You will celebrate this achievement by yourself in your cheap one room apartment.
Sagittarius: Your wish of becoming a movie star comes true. You will be second billed in the fifth Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants film. This, of course, will end your career as a movie star just as it began.
Taurus: Your love of Kool-Aid will be your downfall during the great Kool-Aid shortage of 2011. Luckily this will lead you to find out the awesomeness of Hawaiian Punch. However, your second downfall will come during the great Hawaiian Punch shortage of 2012.
Virgo: Love is in the air. Not only will you find the love of your life, but you will also be able to spend the rest of your life with them once they pass the law saying it’s ok to marry a goat.
Capricorn: You will eat an oatmeal cookie. And it will be mediocre.
Gemini: You will become the only one who thinks Avatar was slightly overrated. James Cameron will be slightly annoyed that he didn’t get more than 20 bucks out of you.
Libra: You will become outraged that George Lucas has released the Star Wars movies once again, and this time in 3D. You will curse this and cry out in outrage. Then you will get in line each time to see them all once again.
Aquarius: You will realize how embarrassing it is to not know how to swim and to be afraid of dying in some water. You will then drown while taking swimming classes while Alanis Morissette’s “Isn’t It Ironic” plays over the loud speaker.
Cancer: You will realize that no matter what anyone says, you will be a superhero. You will then be turned into a mental hospital after running around public with your underwear on the outside of your clothes.
Scorpio: Darkwing Duck will come to you and ask you to help him. It seems he has forgotten how to be the hero he is. You will teach him, and he will…get….dangerous. You will also come to know how lazy the author of this horoscope is when you realize this is the second sign with some sort of famous duck in it.
Pisces: Donald Duck will be cured of his speech impediment. He will claim it was you who helped him. Told you the author of this horoscope is lazy.