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Christmas has come and gone. I realize I didn’t give anyone the real Christmas gift they asked for. That being, of course, a new blog post from me. Better late than never my friends.

First an update. A while back I posted a note about some new “media.” I have recently done a test run with it to see if it will work out and was pleased with the outcome. Hopefully soon I’ll get it done. The main problem is getting schedules together. I hope that if it’s ever done that you all will be pleased. And if you’re not, then you are most definitely a communist. And do you want to be known as a commie?

Now on with the blog. It’s been brought up to me that a lot of my posts include a lot of me being negative toward myself. I read over them and have to say I didn’t see it. But then again I don’t see anything ever. I just go through life never seeing anything…. Why am I breathing?

And now I’ll answer some people who have asked me my thoughts on different subjects. Everyone is wondering what I think about different things. Wonder no more!

Homosexuals: they’re gay.

Economy: I’m glad I never use it.

Xbox 360 vs. PS3: Xbox 360 wins due to the Xbox Live and better selection of better games. Also, I’m a nerd.


I’ll end this blog with a few reader emails.


Dear Johnny,

I really enjoy your blog. I mean really enjoy it. I am constantly checking it to see if there’s something new posted. I have never felt this away about anything ever before in my life. I even made a t shirt that has johnnyism on it. I like to wait to read it when it’s dark out so I feel more comfortable looking at it with my pants off, just picturing you reading your witty words to me.

Your biggest fan,



Dear Andrew,

I just spoke with the police and they say the restraining order against you still stands.



Dear Johnny,

How do you come up with all this massive amounts of humor? And why do you give it away for free? You’re a gold mine. You should be charging for this.

P.S. I find you oddly attractive, which is weird cause I found Shrek to be awfully hideous.




Dear Jennifer,

Thank you, I think…

All this incredible amounts of humor just comes from my brain. They have done studies on it to see exactly how it ticks. I’ll let you know the results at a later date.

And I give this away for free mainly because I can’t find anyone who wants to pay me for doing this. But rest assured once I do I’ll be selling out. I gots bills to pay.



Dear Johnny,

I just made a huge mistake. I was at my girlfriends house and things got hot and heavy. This morning she tells me she’s pregnant. What do I do?

Please help me.



Dear Steve,

You’re screwed. You can do the honorable thing and marry her and raise the child. Or you can kick her in the stomach, although society doesn’t look too kindly on that scenario.

(Johnnyism does not condone any sort of violence, especially toward pregnant women. If my mom had been kicked when I was in her womb then I wouldn’t be here and you wouldn’t be reading this gem)


Lastly, I just wanted to point out that I really miss playing the super Nintendo Mario All Stars game. Sadly I don’t have a Super Nintendo nor the game so that may never happen. I realize again that talking about this is yet another reason why girls don’t find me attractive, but I felt the need to get this out there. Donations of Super Nintendos with Mario All Stars games are welcome.

Before I go, since this is the season of giving, I figured I would talk about a charity that everyone should donate money to. It’s the “Help Johnny Get A New HDTV” fund. Any and all donations are welcome to this as well. You will feel better once you give to this fund.

That’s all for now. Soon hopefully the new pod casts will be up. Over and out!


***this journal was found in a pile of snow around the north pole.  No one knows who it belongs to or what year it took place****

November 26th

Well I knew this day was coming.  How hectic!  You can’t walk two feet without stepping on a toy or tripping over a stocking.  Even though I have become tired of being in the same department for well over 200 years, I know it must be done.   So many small children are dependent on us and we are a team.  We only have less then a month of time to prepare!  I just heard the bell, my breaks over.  Back to work!

November 30th

It seems like our work is paying off.  In the earlier times, we had to make every single toy ourselves.  But now we can send out people to stores and find some toys for us.  Thankfully the boss man must have deep pockets.  I wonder where he gets all that money for this stuff?  I saw him just an hour ago.  He has already starting to become plump.  Soon he will look like his jolly old self again.  I love working here since morale always seems high.  I do not despise anyone who works here.  Though I do tend to try to avoid this one fellow.  I can’t recall his name but what I do recall is what he wants to do.  He wants to be a dentist.  Can you believe that?  Only on the north pole huh?  Well I better get back on that line!

December 5th

Things are  not looking so bright.  It feels like we are far behind schedule.  And to make matters worse, the new reindeer do not seem to be working out.  I have seen a few of them.  They can’t even fly yet.  The reindeer we have now won’t be able to fly forever.  Comet the other day was telling me how his arthritis kept acting up.  Anyways, I did see one odd deer.  He seemed to have this red flashlight connected to his nose.  How strange.  And annoying may I add for every time his nose blinked it also made a noise.  There is no chance he will be used.  Perhaps  the boss man can give him away to some petting zoo.  On a side note, the elf wannabe dentist  has not been seen.  I heard rumors that he was fired.  And right before the holidays too.

December 11th

I was out today looking for a Christmas tree for my cottage.  All the good ones near the town must have been cut down since I had to venture out far.  While I was searching, I heard voices.  So I hid behind a log that was close by.  I peeked up and what did I see?  That red nosed reindeer and the wish he was a dentist guy, talking about how they felt out of place and not wanted.  Man, cry me a handful why don’t you?  Here, ill play the worlds smallest violin.  Pansies.  I decided I would follow them, just to see what they were up to.

December 14th

The duo I have been following were joined by a third party.  Some human male sporting a huge beard.  Looks like some sort of lumber jack.  He had a sleigh and a handful of dogs of which he would whip without mercy.  If that had been Blitzen he would of snorted in the guys face!  So what an unlikely trio of misfits together there.  I think ill follow them just a little more.

December 19th

I have lost them.  A big snow came and blinded me.  I am now stuck out in the middle of nowhere, with only snow to be seen from all around.   I am cold and hungry.  And just when I thought things could not get any more worse, I keep hearing some sort of roaring.  I have heard tales from the elder elves of a huge snow monster that lives up around here.  It is always angry and mean and has a heart as cold as an iceburg.  I am now currently hid in a small cave I found  with only a small dying fire to keep me warm…

December 22nd

I was awaken by a familiar sound.  I sprang up and looked.  I was right!  It was that same reindeer!  The one with the glowing nose!  I was about to call to him when I looked up and saw the snow monster!  It clubbed that poor reindeer right in front of me and drug him away to his cave, to which I followed.  I was trembling from being cold and from being scared.  Just as I was about to either run inside to be a hero or to stay here and pee in my last good pair of pants, I witnessed the lumberjack and the dentist elf save everyone.  In fact, the dentist elf could be a dentist, for he took out that monsters teeth with no problem.  I jumped for joy at this small victory from a rag tag team of misfits.  But alas, it seems there can never be complete days of joy anymore.  I saw the monster get up and chase the poor lumberjack off the cliff, dogs and all.  All the reindeer there at the cave were saddened deeply and began their slow and depressing walk back home.

December 24th

I followed them all since they seemed to know where they were going.  As soon as we got to a place I recognized, I sneaked up ahead and ran to the office.  I walked in to a discouraging sight.  Everyone seemed so down.  I asked Ralph what was going on.  He told me that since it was so foggy outside, there was no way the big boss man could deliver presents.  I looked upon the boss man’s face and could see where tears had been.  Just then, the misfits came through the door.  The red nosed reindeer, the dentist elf and the others.  We decided to try to cheer everyone up by putting up the Christmas tree.  that’s when a knock came at the door.  It turned out to be the snow monster AND the lumberjack!  Apparently, the snow monster had been struck with a cavity for over 100 years and that was why he was so cranky.  The dentist wannabe had come through!  (side note:  the snow monster’s real name is Kevin.  He is actually quite nice and is now living in the basement in my apartment.  He is always on time with rent.)   Kevin could also be handy, for he could reach places we short people could not.  In fact, he was the one who put the star on the tree!

If only the day ended in that joy.  The problem of fog was still there.  The boss man was trying to give us a speech about how next year would be better when that pesky reindeer with the red light nose kept making noises and blinding everyone.  That’s when it came to me.  We could still deliver toys with that reindeer leading the way!  Why, he had a built in fog light!  We all rushed and filled the sleigh and got all the reindeer in their positions.  Soon they were off, and I could look up and see that red light in the sky.  What an adventurous month I have had.

January 1st

Rudolph is a prima donna.  He has become some sort of celebrity and there for feels that the rules do not apply to him.  He’s nothing but a jerk and I hate him.  We got into an argument over who was prettier, him or Jessica Alba.  This argument grew till it was apparent that we could not work together.  We decided that I should be the one to leave (by we I mean the boss and Rudolph).  That’s right, ive been fired!!  Well up theirs!!!  I don’t need this stupid job!!!  And why am I still writing in this stupid journal!!!