You are currently browsing the category archive for the ‘humor’ category.

Everyone knows that the NBA was amazing in the 90s.  I was lucky enough to grow up in the era in which not only had Michael Jordan, but also featured the Dream Team, Shawn Kemp, and the Charlotte Hornets.  Today we’re gonna dive deep into the real reasons as to why the 90s NBA was the greatest.  Starting with….Grandmama.

AAA

Larry Johnson was a powerful undersized forward for the Charlotte Hornets.  When he wasn’t playing basketball with someone roughly the size of your youngest child (Muggsy Bogues), he would spend his free time dressed up as an elderly woman.  It’s not my place to ask why nor is it my place to judge.  All I know is that when Grandmama stepped on the black top in an episode of Family Matters and played ball with a now somehow coordinated Steve Urkel my childhood was complete.  Not even Eddie Winslow could stop Grandmama!

AAAA

Space Jam

The year was 1996.  The world would never be the same after the great documentary “Space Jam” was released.  In this gritty little indie film, Michael Jordan is just minding his own business playing golf with Larry Bird and Peter Venkman when he’s pulled into a new world in which a rabbit and his friends are going to be forced into slavery.  Jordan not only saves their world, but he also saves the talents of Charles Barkley, Grandmama, Muggsy Bogues, Patrick Ewing, and some tall white Mormon guy.  This film is vital to our history.

aaaaa

Lil’ Penny

Penny Hardaway was another one of the players I loved as a child.  This guy could ball.  But what was even better than he was Lil Penny.  Lil Penny would be everywhere.  Some say he was just a doll.  But I like to think that he was a part of Penny Hardaway.  A very small part that loved to do commercials.

That’s all for today.  I’ve said this before, I know, but I hope to start to keep this blog up and going again.  It has been a few years since I had.  So stay tuned!

The number one song in America right now is “Tik Tok” by Ke$ha (that’s right with a dollar sign).  This of course is what we deserve for all those years we enslaved people.  But if you listen to the song you may not understand it.  So that’s where I come in.  Today, I’m going to give you the lyrics to the song and then tell you what exactly they mean.  So strap in.

Tik Tok by Ke$ha

Wake up in the morning
Feeling like P Diddy
Grab my glasses
I’m out the door

So she wakes up before lunch time.  She happens to feel like P. Diddy.  I assume this means she feels black, talentless, and like making some cash off of a dead more talented friend.  She doesn’t have her contacts with her, so she grabs her glasses.  I mean, you got to see where you’re walking to right?  Then she goes out the door.  Not cause you want her to, but because she wants to.  Very empowering to all the young ladies out there.

I’m gonna hit the city
Before I leave
Brush my teeth with a
Bottle of Jack
Cause when I leave for
The night I aint coming back

The city has done her wrong so she’s going to hit it.  She fails to realize that “the city” is a physical place and not something you can “hit.”  She remembers before she goes out the door that she forgot to brush her teeth.  Apparently she was out of Crest so she grabs the next best thing: an alcoholic beverage.  That’s why some people brush their teeth with Pepsi products.  She’s going to leave for the entire night and she’ll be damned if she’s coming back.  No way.  Not her.  Not now.  Not ever.  Well, at least not tonight.

I’m talking pedicure on our toes (toes)
Tryin on all our clothes (clothes)
Boys blowin up our phones (phones)
Drop topping, playing our favorite CD’s
Pulling up to the partys
Tryin a get a little bit TIPSY

She wants to get her toes looking very nice to make up for how the rest of her looks like she just walked out of a trailer park from the deep south.  She tries on all her clothes. She’s showing responsibility and wants to make sure they fit.  But she knows they will since she does cocaine and only weighs 14 pounds.  Then some guys get their phones and explode them.  Perhaps as a prank of some sort or just because they like the pretty colors.  She has a favorite cd (I’m assuming New Kids on the Block) and she can only play it with her shirt off.  The she goes to parties so she can get drunk and pass out and forget that she has no ambitions.

Don’t Stop
Make it Pop
DJ blown my speakers up
Tonight I’ma fight

She enjoys the music so much that she doesn’t want it to stop (this could also be a sexual reference).  She wants the speakers so loud that they pop and destroy themselves, but it’s ok since she didn’t pay for them anyway.  The DJ has blown up her speakers (she apparently lets guys get a hold of her things and explode them).  She wants to fight since she realizes that she’s famous for this song and that gives her little credibility in anything in the entire world.

Till we see the sunlight
Tick tock on the clock
But the party don’t stop
No oh, oh oo whoa oo whoa oh
Oh oo whoa oo whoa oh
Oh oo whoa oo whoa oh

She is going to stay out until the sun wakes up.  This is the very same thing she would do constantly to ensure she could always disappoint her parents.  The clock makes the sound “tick tock”.  Apparently she only has an old time like clock with her since she doesn’t have a digital watch and some boys had exploded her cell phone earlier in the evening.  Even though the next day is arriving, the party is not ending.  No it’s not. oh oo whoa oo whoa oh it’s not.  oh oo whoa oo whoa oh.

Aint got a care in the world
But got plenty of BEER
Aint got no money in my pocket
But I’m already here

She doesn’t have a care in the world, just like most young blonde white girls.  She does have plenty of beer.  She’s completely broke, but it doesn’t matter, since she’s a young blond white girl and will never pay for anything.

And now the dudes are lining up
Cause they hear we got swagger
But we kick em to the curb
Unless they look like Mick Jagger

The word has gotten around to everyone.  So the guys start showing up because they heard there are some drunk blond girls dancing .  But they don’t have a chance with them unless they look like an 82 year old skinny drug abuser who’s face is melting off.

I’m talkin bout
Everybody getting crunk (crunk)
Boys try to touch my junk (junk)
Gonna smack em if there gettin too drunk (drunk)
Night night we going to kick this out (out)
The police shut us down (down)
Police shut us down (down)
Po po shut us (DOWN)

She’s talking about everyone there getting crunk.  Crunk, of course, is the combination of “crap” and “junk”.  Some boys there are trying to touch her junk.  Junk means her personal area and apparently some male children are trying to touch it, but to be fair they’re just now discovering their own bodies.  She will not hesitate to smack an adolescent male child if they do touch her.  She’s getting tired now and told everyone good night. The police came to shut down the festivities, probably because of the possibility of riots and looting.

You build me up
You break me down
My heart it poundin
Yeah you got me
With my hands up
You got me now
You got that sound
Yea you got me

This whole part is about her getting arrested.  I would say more to explain this, but I just don’t care enough.

So there you have it folks.  Now when you hear this amazing piece of art on the radio you will know exactly what it means.

1. Miley Cyrus quits Twitter

Miley Cyrus has decided to quit her mega popular Twitter.  She said that she quit because she wants to keep her private life private.  She has ensured her privacy AND proved that she doesn’t want all that attention by releasing a rap song on Youtube that has over 2 million views already.  With that being said, I regret to inform you all that I shall be quitting my popular Facebook and Twitter updates.  I’m hoping to tell everyone that I just want my privacy by releasing a huge budget commercial that will air during the Superbowl.

mileycyrus

Please look at her so she can tell you that she doesn’t want attention.
 

 

2.  President Obama wins Nobel Peace Prize

President Obama was selected to win the Nobel Peace Prize this past week.  He won for all his hard work of making promises he hasn’t yet accomplished.  He has won by having goals, but not achievements.  Also announced, Tom Hanks will win an Oscar for whatever movie he’s filming next.  And my blog has won blog of the year for 2011.

noble_peace_prize

No one has cared about this award since the 1940s.
 

 

3.  NASA Bombs the Moon

On Friday, NASA bombed the moon stating that there could be weapons of mass destruction located there.  In other jokes circa 2004, George Bush says stupid things.

moon

If we don’t bomb the moon, then the terrorists win.
 

4.  AH-NOLD SIGNS BILL TO HONOR HAR-VEY MILK

California governor Arnold Schwarenegger signed a bill that honors the first openly gay politician elected to office Harvey Milk.  When asked why, Governor Schwarenegger said “I honor Harvey Milk because milk did Ahrnold’s body good.  Ahrnold drunk milk everyday and got muscles on top of muscles. Go see my movie, Jingle All The Way with Sinbad, yahh fun for the whole family.”  Harvey Milk is heralded in the gay community.  He’s Harvey Milk, and while he may not have recruited you, he certainly wanted to grab your genitals if you were a man.

arnold-schwarzenegger-the-terminator

He has come from the future to warn you that he will become governor of California

 

That’s what’s in the news.  In leaving, please know that I enjoy statistics.  So I recently asked a bunch of people If they were glad that they found my blog site.  This pie chart illustrates their responses.

chart graph are you glad you found my blogs

Hello Johnnyism fans.  Today you’re going to find out how to accomplish a few things.   I will present these in easy quick to learn and remember steps.  With these, you’ll be able to do anything. 

 

 

How to Live Dangerously

STEP 1: untie shoe

STEP 2: walk

STEP 3: SUCCESS!!!

 

 
How to Get a Woman

STEP 1: be an a-hole

STEP 2: SUCCESS!!!

 

 
How to Realize You’re a Pro Video Gamer

STEP 1: really get into video games

STEP 2: realize how alone you really are.

STEP 3:  SUCCESS!!!!!

 

 
How to write almost any Hollywood movie

STEP 1:  vomit onto paper

STEP 2:  SUCCESS!!!!

 

 
How to Get Famous Without Having Any Talent

STEP 1: get a show on MTV

STEP 2:  SUCCESS!!!!!

 

 
How to be Better Than Hitler

STEP 1:  don’t kill a bunch of Jews.

STEP 2:  SUCCESS!!!!

This is a story that all should read.  I must point out that I did not write this, but since the person who wrote this used me as one of the characters, I feel attached to it.  My partner in crime Trevor wrote this amazing piece of historical fiction.  Please enjoy it as much as I did.   Keep in mind that I have never before posted anything that I myself did not write.  So this must mean that I believe this to be amazing.  And since I am the authority in all things amazing, then you have no choice but to believe me.  FACE!

This is the plotline for the hugely successful yet very crappy RPG:

 Deathly Doom: Trouble in the Land of Snaggly-toothed Marsupials

 

Trevor and Johnny are simple minded (aka, retarded) villagers from the land of Yardo.  They have lived a simple life together along with their friend Christopholis.  Their days went on with no purpose or direction, and they were all dangerously close to hitting age 40.  One day, however, a horrible monster attacked the always peaceful land of Yardo.  It was said to be an omen for more dangerous days to come.

 

All of a sudden, out of the dark forest stepped the mighty sorceress Ashleya.  She was so pissed off at the destructive monster that her hair caught fire and her eyes turned into the eyes of a viper.  She fought bravely, but soon realized that she needed help if she were to return this foul beast to the pits of Hell.  With a feeling of dread and disgust, she knocked on the door of a small hut in the village.  Much to her dismay, there stood the three reluctant, and somewhat disgusting, heroes of our story.  Would the mighty sorceress Ashelya decide to ask these bumbling fools for help, or is the world doomed to die a nasty death?

 

Each of the three had their strong points.  Trevor, with his staff of No Self Confidence, Johnny, with his sword of a Dying Soul, and Christopholis, with his rod of Hatred For His Own Kind.  They were an odd trio, and Ashleya wondered aloud how she was supposed to use them.  But she knew she must, for although the gods had stopped talking to anyone from the trio, they still apparently communicated with Ashleya, telling her that these three will determine the fate of the world.  What she didn’t realize, however, is that Alpadangelo, the god of destiny, was playing a prank on her and the three actually had no value what so ever.

 

 

Despite the depressing news that she had to take this group with her, Ashleya trotted on, and the unlikely group decided to head for the blue sea of Sargoficus.  Ashleya warned everyone that this would be a grueling journey, so Christopholis purchased many healing gels and various cooking ingredients.  Johnny and Trevor continued cracking very unfunny jokes about Christopholis being gay.  Meanwhile, a bandit snuck off with all of Trevor’s gear, leaving him with only the clothes on his back, and a flimsy spork as a weapon.  Johnny did not have even a spork to defend himself, so he slapped Trevor and took his.  With a very audible sigh, Ashleya instructed the group to march on…

 

 

While the party slept, Ashleya was sleepless and feeling sorry for herself.  Just as a tear began to form under her eye for the first time in her cold life, she came to a dark realization.  Everyone had completely forgotten about the monster attacking the land of Yardo! Ashleya realized that everyone in Yardo must be dead by now, and it seemed that the “terrific trio” had already forgotten about their friends, families, and homes.  Oh well, the gods had spoken and the party had to risk life and limb to travel to the blue sea of Sargoficus.  When the morning sun arose and revealed the disgusting faces of her party members, Ashleya gathered the group and headed towards their ultimate destiny….although she was hoping the gods might soon reveal exactly what that destiny is.

 

As the party of brave (brave?!) heroes proceeded towards their goal, they were shocked to find a natural hot spring, full of warm bubbling mountain water.  Ashleya, who was indeed a very well-endowed sorceress, invited the guys into her hot spring, hoping to attempt to bond and work on the plan for their adventure.  However, Johnny and Trevor felt too awkward to be put in that situation, and decided that the guys should use the “other” hot spring.  Ashleya was confused, as she could only see one hot spring, but she left the guys to do as they wanted. 

 

As Ashleya enjoyed the healing relaxation of the hot spring, she could not help but overhear the conversation from the men:

“Hey, don’t touch that.”  “Sorry man, it just sort of happened…”   “Never mind that, do you guys think this hot spring is a little…odd?”

 

Ashleya, now fully rested, grabbed her gear and went to the men’s hot spring.  What she found was three morons sitting in a giant puddle of horse piss.  Ashleya, disappointed yet not surprised, was now forced with a decision to make…

 

Would she kill these blubbering fools for being such idiots, or would she appease the gods by continuing on this wretched quest? Why had the gods forsaken her? Why do they torture her so?

She made her decision, although she was somewhat reluctant.  She would let the fools live…until the quest to the blue sea was complete.  Then she would kill them.  Very slowly.

 

The group marched on through rain, lightning storms, and snow, moving ever closer to the blue sea of whatever the name is.  Well, Johnny, Trevor and Christopholis didn’t so much march as crawl and beg for mercy.  Ashleya remained merciless, despite their pathetic pleas.  The group sometimes traveled as much as one mile per day, taking the three guys to their absolute limit.  The group had not encountered anything dangerous after days of traveling, giving them a false sense of security.  Still, they followed well behind the sorceress, just in case.

 

Suddenly, on the path ahead of the brave group, appeared a killer attack snail.  It stood nearly 3 inches tall, and moved at the speed of …..a snail.  Trevor, always the one to try too hard to prove his courage, stood between the snail and his companions.  Reaching for his spork, a feeling of dread and regret flooded every corner of his body.  Johnny had taken his spork earlier after a violent slapping! Trevor collapsed to the ground and had a panic attack, while Christopholis ran to his side to comfort him, and to keep him from biting his own tongue off…again.

 

Johnny knew that he had no choice.  He would be the hero to save his friends.  Lunging the spork straight towards the killer snail, Johnny was prepared to die for his loved ones.  He sprinted at full speed, with rage, tears, and the fear of a child shining in his eyes.  Johnny had never appeared so formidable before.  Could this be the birth of a true warrior? 

 

 To the shock of the rest of the group, the snail actually managed to outmaneuver Johnny.  Johnny simply stood there, dumbstruck.  Ashleya walked over to the snail and stepped on it, wiping her shoe off on Trevor’s still shaking body as she continued on her path.  Johnny was so disgraced with his failure, that he knew there was only one option… 

 

Ashleya heard an ungodly, girlish scream, causing her to stop in her tracks.  Trevor still lay shaking on the ground, with Christopolis sobbing by his side.  Johnny now lay beside his friends, with a spork lodged in his head.  Had Ashleya’s troubles all just taken care of themselves?

 

 

Unfortunately, just as Ashleya was about to finish off her fallen comrades, they all crawled to her feet and begged her to spare their lives.  There were so many things they had not yet experienced, such as having physical contact with a woman.  Except for Chirstopolis, who had made love to many women, but had decided that it was overrated.  After making them promise to hold hands and stay within her sight for the rest of the journey, Ashleya decided to spare the lives of the three merry gentlemen.  So they continued on, no less determined (yet much more pathetic) than before.

 

Could it be? The blue sea of watcha-ma-call-it was in plain view! They had arrived in one piece.  Perhaps the gods were not crazy after all? Ashleya went to the temple by the sea so that she could ask for guidance from the gods.  The ritual she would perform was going to be strenuous, even deadly.  The guys stayed behind and played with dried up earth worms.

 

 

Ashleya had only two questions for the gods.  “Why have you sent me to the Blue Sea of Sargoficus?” But more importantly: “Why oh why have you chosen these miserable excuses for human existence to be the heroes to save this land?” 

 

 All that the sorceress heard was what sounded like sneering and chuckling.  Then the gods spoke: “You silly sorceress, do you really think that even we could add some value or purpose to those sad sacks of crap? Those three ‘men’ are an abomination to all that is decent! You were sent on this quest to prove your worthiness.  Your true task has yet to be revealed.”

 

Now visibly upset, Ashleya murmured four words under her breath: “What is my task!?”

The gods spoke with a certainty and authority as never before: “Kill the idiots.”

 

The choppy blue waters crashed against the tall rock cliffs.  Ashleya, Trevor, Johnny, and Christopolis walked along the edge nearly 1,000 feet above the icy waters.  Ashleya, for the first time on this forsaken journey, had a smile across her face.  How would she kill them? She could throw a quarter over the cliff and watch them dive.  She could yell: “the building’s on fire!”  But that was too easy.  There had to be a better way to destroy these three deformities in the evolutionary chain…

 

As Ashley considered all of her deliciously devious options, she heard a shrill scream from behind.  “Help! Johnny just saw a mermaid and he jumped off the cliff!” Soon after, Christopolis jumped in a valiant effort to save his friend.   

 

Trevor, not knowing what to do, started throwing healing gels off the cliff.  However, he accidentally threw his half-eaten potato in as well, causing him to dive off the cliff after it. 

 

As Ashleya stood at the edge, waiting patiently for the glorious splash, she was knocked to her feet by a thunderous sound.  The clouds parted and a brilliant white light flooded the sky.  As Ashleya came to, she saw four figures rising above the edge of the cliff.  It was Trevor, Johnny, and Christoplois, completely dry and unharmed.  Jesus held tightly onto each of the men and proclaimed:

“A person is a person no matter how stupid.”

 

 

Fin

I know a thing or two about being single. How do I know anything? Try experience. I have been single for going on 45 years (and I’m only 25) so I know a thing or two. The thing is though, why did God have to make it so that even though you’re single and not married, that drive to want to rub naughty parts is prominent?

So as I am claiming myself to be an expert in this field, I thought I would take this chance to go over some thoughts and topics regarding this subject.

A. Sexual drive.

God created sex. Sounds weird to say that but He did. He created it that so when a man and a woman find each other and decide to spend their lives with each other, that they would have something they could both enjoy. A gift to each other.

That being said, what do you do if you’re a single christian person? I know I’m not the only one who struggles with this concept. What do I do? That drive is there. Ever present. They say the average male thinks about sex like what, every six seconds? Oops there I did it. That is just an incredible stat. Oops I just did it again. I can’t look at porn since I’ll feel guilty for being Christian (and I’m not catholic so there goes that excuse). I don’t even have anyone to hug. So why can’t God just sort of cut off the feed to that sexual drive and needs until I am fortunate enough to find some poor sucker of a woman to marry?

I know God created sex. It is suppose to be a beautiful and meaningful thing between two of His creations. But growing up in this day and age, there are so many things that make it so difficult to deal with. For example, I’ve had to hold back about 15 dumb middle school sexual jokes just in this writing already. Being a single young Christian person is insanely hard.

This drive that is installed in us can be overbearing. It’s part of our nature to need to be with someone else sexually. If it wasn’t, then there wouldn’t be any children. On the bright side of this, there would then be no Little Bow Wow.

B. The word “sex” being offensive

It’s as if everyone tip toes around this subject. I agree it is uncomfortable. I get uncomfortable when it’s brought up (mainly due to my lack of experience and because it depresses me that no ladies feel the need to feel me up). This is true in church especially. Being Christians sometimes hinders us. Sex is a part of life. It is necessary for the survival of species.

Recently we had a men’s retreat weekend at some mountain cabin resort. During this, we discussed many things, mainly the sexual battles men endure. This was a highly uncomfortable time for me. Was it because of the subject matter? Sort of. Mainly it was because I was the only single young guy there. It was almost as uncomfortable as that one time I thought a woman was pregnant (note to self, never assume). So yes it is an uncomfortable subject. But why? We talk about other things God has created.

C. Friends with benefits.

What a weird form or words to go together. Do these every work out? Judging by the television shows I watch the answer is no. At least one of the two people more then likely have feelings for the other. I cannot comment to much on this due to my ability to never be apart of this. Now if I was rich….wait that would imply that women think money makes a guy more attractive….oh wait…

*EDITORS NOTE: the author is very sensitive when it comes to women due to every one of his handful of relationships ending in a way that one would consider less than great. Also, he can be sort of a jerk sometimes. He doesn’t even pay me to edit. What a cheap skate. He once asked a waitress if she had a mirror in her pants cause he was in them. But I digress…”

There are a lot of questions we may have for God when it comes to being single and sex. What’s the point of having this want for sex if we shouldn’t use it till marriage? I dunno. I do think that sex isn’t such a bad thing. God made it. Does that mean we should go around and let people have sex right in town square? Of course not. That is offensive and let’s face it, we all know it’d end up being two ugly people (*EDITORS NOTE: the author just scratched a date off his planner).

So how do you deal if you’re the single Christian person? That’s a great question. You can go to a club since dancing is pretty much now sex with your clothes on. Or you can pray. Or when you have that urge you can look at a picture that will automatically shrink you’re funions. Did you know that if you are a guy and you just read this then you thought about sex at least 4526852 times. We all know women aren’t like that. They are much more lady like. Heck, women don’t even toot in public.

While I’m in church, I feel the obligation to make a conscience effort not to think about sex so I don’t let Jesus down. Why is that? Perhaps it’s because there are families there. While I completely agree sex is a subject to be talked about only when there are no young ears to hear it, I also believe it to be important to talk about when you’re single, in you’re 20s and did i mention single?

So why did I spend a whole blog on sex? Was it so I could put the word sex in the topics and watch the views for my site skyrocket? Yes. But it’s also because I believe it to be something important that is rarely talked about. Something that us young single people struggle with.

In conclusion, I decided to end this blog by helping everyone out. If you ever feel you are getting that urge but want it to go away, I have included a picture that will aid you. Just looking at this pic should make you think about things such as life, liberty, america, anything other than sex.

kermit-the-frog.jpg

Of course, that’s unless you’re into that sort of thing.  Which in that case that’s something for a different blog on a different site. 

We were all standing around after playing almost two hours of basketball. This is the time when we talk. We bring up all different topics until eventually the topic of politics comes up. Then the ultimate question…who will you vote for?

I dread this question. Why? Cause it’s a no win situation. It’s definitely a no win situation when the people you are in discussion with are people who you actually care how they see you. If I answer one way will I disappoint Russ? If I answer another way will Trevor look down upon me like I should be cleaning seal poo at the zoo? Below I will list each option and the probable outcome of each.

1. I will vote for Hillary Clinton.

While I would never say this since I have morals, what if I were to? Clinton and Obama have been tearing each other new bung holes in the past recent weeks, which in turn has really took a bite out of their support. In this part of North Carolina, the Clinton name is not all that popular. It would be like someone saying that they’re gay and getting married to their long time college roommate. Voting for Hillary down here would be the equivalent of you saying that you are now Jewish. Frowned upon here in the Bible Belt.

If I say I will vote for her..

I will be flogged. There is a possibility that I will be hunted by a lynch mob and then hung, becoming the first Caucasian here in these parts to have that done upon them. I would also hate myself for I can’t stand her.

If I say I won’t vote for her..

Will I not vote for her simply because she’s a woman? No. It’s simply because she comes off as so fake and manufactured. When someone points out she doesn’t really show emotion, what does she do the very next time? She laughs creepily. She cries. She yells. She claims to have single handily dodged bullets. But that doesn’t change the fact that just because I’m a man and say I won’t vote for Hillary then I am automatically a sexist.  That makes perfect sense doesn’t it?  A very rational conclussion.

2. I will vote for Barack Obama.

At one point in time I had considered this possibility. There is no denying that he has the ability to speak. This may sound simple, but having that ability goes a long way when it comes to politics. You can fool many people if you just have that ability. Even if you dislike the man, you have to admit that. The media too has obviously chosen him already.

If I say I will vote for him…

Then I will be questioned. What am I doing? I live in this part of north carolina I can’t vote for him! Why is that? Cause he’s black? No no. much worse. He’s a democrat. In western north carolina, voting democrat is simply not allowed. If you do vote democrat, then you’re obviously some form of hippie or gay rights activist. Or you’re from Asheville. Whichever. If I vote for him then I am crazy. Did I not hear what all that one guy from his church said? How can I vote for him when that guy is in his camp? Does it matter that this crazy guy isn’t actually Obama? No of course not. It’s all about the company you keep.

If I say I won’t vote for him…

Then I am a racist. When did everything become so black and white? Why is it if I do something or don’t do something then it’s automatically assumed that I am things? I’m a white man living in the south so if I don’t vote for the partially black guy then I am racist. Well you know what? I think Obama is a racist since he didn’t vote for me. There I said it.

3. I will vote for McCain.

I will be honest here. I have liked McCain since he was on The Daily Show and showed that he has a sense of humor. I don’t know if you all know this, but having a sense of humor is incredibly important to me. Is that something I should base a decision on? Probably not. But to each their own I say! If someone is going to push this country even more down the hole then it had better be someone who can make a joke about it (exactly why I should be put in office).

If I say I will vote for him…

Then what am I thinking? He is pretty much a democrat under the republican name! he was in Vietnam you know. He was captured you know. Well if he picks Hucklebee as a running mate then that will be good. Maybe it’ll be ok to vote for him then. It still astounds me that you have to be either this or that. Why can’t you take some from both? Why can’t I agree on some things the republicans say and some things the democrats say? I’m sorry but if I say I’m a republican and then are forced to agree with everything the republicans say solely because I say I’m a republican then forget it. Same with saying I’m a democrat.

If I say I won’t vote for him…

What are you doing Johnny? He’s the only republican you MUST vote for him! Besides he could die in office he’s like in his mid 100s. You know if you don’t vote republican then you’re mom will hate you.

4. I won’t vote.

I have said this many times. The reason being if I don’t vote then I’m not to blame when someone in office screws up. Or because no one is worth putting my vote for. As an american, voting is a right we have. A RIGHT. People say it is a privilege. This is true. It is. We are very lucky that in this country we have a say in who runs it. But if I say I’m not going to vote? Oh wow talk about angering people. Here are some things I have heard from different people when I say this..

“You can’t say anything then with whoever is in office since you didn’t vote.”

“it is your right so you HAVE to vote.”

“you’re not voting? What are you a commie?”

When something is your right, that means that you have the right to either do it or not do it. If you choose not to do it, then that’s your right. When something is your right, that DOES NOT mean that you MUST do it. It is your RIGHT. I have the RIGHT to say I’m not going to vote. People died to give me that right. They gave me that freedom. How is it freedom if I have to do something? You know why I don’t have to do something? Cause I live in America.

So what does all this mean? Will I vote this year? If I do who will I vote for? I haven’t come up with answers to any of those questions. I am still thinking about those things myself. It’s just hard when it’s something that people are really passionate about. It’s hard to say your thoughts and opinions on those subjects when the people around you are people you care if they like you or not. So if you see me around and decide to engage me in a political discussion, be prepared for a plethora of jokes. Why? Cause if I consider you a friend then I’m not going to say one way or another.

And here is the moment of truth. The moment everyone has been waiting for. Just who will I be voting for? Look below to see!

johnny1.jpg

 thats right i’m voting for me.  Just like you should. 

until next time peeps….

Hello ladies and gentleman. I, Johnny, would like to take this moment to officially throw in my name for president. That’s right. I want to run for the President of the United States. Why should you vote for me? What can I do for you? I’m glad you asked. I’m going to tell you in these next blog installments!

I, Johnny, promise to you all that when I become president, there will be free drinks in every drink machine! That’s sodas for everyone!!!

I, Johnny, promise you that if you elect me president, then women will no longer feel pain in child birth! That’s right. I promise you that if you have a child ladies, you won’t feel a thing. And this is without drugs. WITHOUT any kind of drug.

If you elect me president, I promise you that I will make it so that everyone is able to get a gun AND that bullets will no longer kill people. You will be able to shoot all you want. Also, knives will tickle.

I also promise that if you elect me president I shall raise minimum wage to 27.55 an hour.

If you, the beautiful people of the United States of America choose to elect me president, I promise to you all that I will make everyone immortal. That’s right. I will make it so that no one dies.

Also, elect me president and I promise you that I will make sure that Wendys, Mcdonalds, Burger King and Taco Bell will all expand their value menus.

That’s all I am going to tell you for now. Before I leave you, take a look at this chart below. It will tell you how happy the country is now and how happy the country will be after I am president.

 bar-graph-for-president-happyness-level.jpg

What should be censored? Society has deemed it necessary to censor everything from racist warner brother cartoons to superbowl half time shows (I mean really, who actually cared to see hers anyways? Am I right? Huh? Am I?). I have decided that while I explain to you how sometimes we take censorship to far, I will do so with colorful language. I am aware that some people who read my blog could be offended by such colorful language, so I have decided that every time I am about to use such a word, it will be substituted with names for cute baby animals. How am I able to do this? That’s simple. Cause I am the PUPPY.If you don’t think that censorship has gone off the deep end, then you are one stupid mother KOALA BEAR. Pretty soon we will not have anything remotely resembling free speech. And what is worse, it is almost as if it’s selective censorship. If a woman says something, I can’t say anything cause then I’d be a sexist. If an African american says something, I can’t say anything cause I’d be a racist. If an arab comes running at me with a bomb strapped to his chest screaming “DIE YOU SONS OF KITTENS!” then I am a dirty american. When did america become this super sensitive country, a BEAR CUB if you will? Let us examine this question…It was a tough year. JFK had been shot years ago. Man had already pretended to of landed on the moon. Rap had unfortunately become a form of music. Garth Brooks still played concerts. Britney Spears hadn’t had kids or flashed her BUNNY RABBIT yet. Justin was still in Nsync (pre gay Lance Bass). Here is an artist drawing of Lance Bass.

lance-bass-before-gay.jpg

And just for TIGER CUBs and giggles, here is an artist drawing of what Lance Bass looked like after he came out and said he was gay.lance-bass-after-gay.jpgThe country itself became ultra sensitive after Johnny began doing his blogs. That’s right. It’s my fault. Due to my lack of caring what people think. Due to my WINNIE THE POOH off attitude. My rebelness has destroyed america! But have no fear, I am here to tell us all how to fix it.1. Have a sense of humor. The main reason so many people make it harder on everyone else is due to the serious lack of sense of humor that has grown. It is out of control. It is almost impossible not to offend someone. When santa says HO HO HO women rights groups are offended. When a white guy gets a job over a black guy Jesse Jackson is outraged. When Celine Dion sings a song anyone with a single thread of taste in music is offended. That son of a MUSKRAT. If we could all get back to having our sense of humors back, think of all the good it will do. Men, women, and children holding hands. Divorce rates will decline. Catholic Priests will stop inappropriately GERBILing young boys. All will be right in the world.2. Stop being selfish. Hey, if you don’t like whats on tv, then change the channel. Or better yet, turn the television off. Stop letting the tv set raise your kids anyways. Lets try our best to dwindle the nerd population huh? Together we can do that. All those nerds can just go to PANDA BEAR CUB.

3. Elect Johnny president. that’s right, president. You want to make this country great again, elect me. Worried about our economy? No problem. Worried about gas prices? Actually, those are getting really HUMAN BABY expensive. But together, we can help to make america amazing again!!!

So there you have it folks. Censorship is getting so out of hand that I doubt you’ll even be able to read this if this blog got into the wrong hands!!! Stay tuned for the next topic!

*special thanks to Amy for inspiring me to write this one.  send all complaints to her*

another day, another dollar.  at least that’s what the saying says.  lets hit up what i did today!

morning:  i woke up at a decent time, after actually getting the sleep i felt i needed.  i really need to sleep as much as i can so ill be ready for next week. 

i got to work exactly on time.  when i arrived angels greeted me with their glorious horn blowing.  and as i walked past the trash bin, i felt the light shine upon me in approvement. 

for some reason i feel decent today.  mandy however did not.  she’s doing detox, which she believes is what caused her to get sick today.  she then said that i should try it.  draw your own conclusions.

Lunch : i felt i needed something different.  fast food gets old..well…fast.  A HAH! taco bell.  and yes, it was delicious.  the funny part of this story is the three mexicans who walked into taco bell, and only one of them could order since he spoke english.  and this is at a place full of spanish names.  i would of laughed at them, but since they were mexican, i am 100 percent sure they would of stabbed me. 

Afternoon:  the calls today weren’t bad actually.  everyone i talked to was pleasant, which really helps my day when i have to talk to patients.  my conscience yells at me enough so i do not need senior citizens joining the fray.

will the weather get nasty?  i don’t think it will.  while it has gotten cold, i just dunno about bad weather. 

that was my day.  here are a few bonus things:

-everyone wants to see me in a suit.  why?  just because you pretty up the wrapping, it doesnt make the present any better.  wait, did that make sense? 

-baseball is boring.  it’s true.  get over it.

-the bottom of my foot itches.  it’s ok, i took care of it. 

-i can’t believe it’s not butter.

– im going to a basketball game tonight.  Anthony has shown improvement in every game i’ve seen.  i’d like to think it’s because of all the help i gave him, but i know that’s not true since he actually plays defense.

-i must find a way to record next weeks episode of Lost.  if i do not see it, it is quite possible that my life as it stands will end.  i do not wish to be dramatic, but i could cut myself if i miss it. 

thats all for today.   i really do spoil you guys.  over and out!