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It’s America’s Birthday today.  The day that America was officially founded.  In this episode of my blog, I will celebrate America with some facts about it’s founding.  You’re welcome.

-George Washington’s teeth were false as the legend holds.  But they were actually made out of skulls of small kittens.

-America was discovered in 1974, when Tobey Maguire first landed here accidently when he was on his way to find a new passage to India.

-Benjamin Franklin not only invented many things, he also was an alcoholic.  And he did drugs.  He also was the father of many illegitimate children. 

-Fireworks were named after Lloyd B. Fireworks, who invented the colorful explosive while also blowing off his own left hand.

-George Washington liked to smack the buttocks of his soldiers during battle after they made a “good shot.”

-Benjamin Franklin invented Microsoft.

-John Adams, who would go on to become the second president, was against Thomas Jefferson writing any important document, stating that “John Hancock had much prettier handwriting and was easier to read.”

-The American Flag was actually created and sewn by a badger.

-America gained it’s independence from Brittain, defeating every one of their ninjas.

-George Washington only ever told one lie.  After chopping down a cherry tree, he told his father that he hadn’t done it, and then proceeded to blame it on George W. Bush.

-During many of the meetings of the Founding Fathers, Benjamin Franklin was often yelled at for “constant and excessive texting.”

Those are just some of the facts about the founding of America.  See what happens when you pay attention to history class?  Enjoy your holiday and be safe.  Over and out!

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This is an uncertain time. America has just elected a new president. Some people are worried about what the future will hold. Fear not, for I have just discovered that I have the ability to tell what exactly will happen 5-10 years from now. I must share this gift.

*Barack Obama will win a second term, only to have everyone get angry at him and scream for change. This will lead to a republican president, only to have the cycle repeat itself.

*Britney Spears will make yet another comeback, this time doing a duet album with Michael Jackson where she will dress sexy, but he will ignore her whenever her young son is around.

*McDonalds will bring back the McRib fourteen more times.

*Lindsay Lohan will turn straight, only to turn gay again once people start to not pay her any attention.

*Jessica Simpson will attempt rap music, thus making her officially failing at every genre of music.

*The NFL will eventually quit playing real live football games, and will instead have a representative of each team play each other in a game of Madden.

*George Lucas will re-re-release yet another special edition of Star Wars, this one including the infamous lost footage of Jabba the Hutt making out with Jar Jar Binks.

*Atheists will lose when the announcer’s next command is “those who believe in something please step forward.”

*High School Musical 7 will be released, ushering forth three more years kids breaking into song in public schools all across the nation.

*Saw XIX will also be released, proving that you can run out of ways to kill people.

 

 

And now I shall reveal to you the horoscopes for the next 10 years.

ARIES: You will go through your life believing there is still some good in humanity, only to have that belief come crashing down upon you after all your friends give you Nickelback cd’s for Christmas.

TAURUS: You will go to the movies expecting to see the next Batman movie. Soon you realize that you went into the wrong theater and must sit through the sequel to Mama Mia. You will have a piece of good luck, however, remembering to bring your shot gun when you left your house. You then end your own suffering as well as the suffering of all those poor souls around you.

GEMINI: You will full fill your destiny of disappointing your parents when you bring a Muslim home with you.

CANCER: You will finally be able to give up drugs when you discover that sniffing Kool-Aid powder gives you much more of a high.

LEO: You will shoot Santa Claus late one Christmas Eve after you mistake him for a burglar. You then become the most hated person in the entire world. Your shins will never recover from all the kicking the kids of the world will give you.

VIRGO: You will win 100 dollars. This is significant because it will be the last time you have any money.

LIBRA: All those hours of doing nothing but playing video games will come in handy when you save the world when a combination of aliens, Nazis, and four floating different colored ghosts attack. You will also grab the bouncing banana, giving you 10,000 bonus points.

SCORPIO: Your journey as a vegetarian will end after you discover that animals taste really, really good.

SAGITTARIUS: You will become the most unimportant person in the world. I’d tell you why, but you really don‘t matter.

CAPRICORN: Your life will come to an abrupt end after you and some friends decide to check out the old abandoned house at the end of the road. You will become the first to die, surprising the whole group considering you aren’t African American nor the comedic relief.

AQUARIUS: You will become famous and well liked for the things you write. Your humor and wit and charisma will be known in all points of the earth. Then you will wake up from that dream and be welcomed back to your reality of Chef Boyardee and empty pizza boxes.

PISCES: You will find the cure to what makes Michael Jackson the way he is. Your life will then be set as you are asked to do the same with the Catholic Church.

 

There you have it. All these things are in our future. I have foreseen it!

Has the upcoming election confused you? Don’t really know who to vote for? Do you feel yourself wondering what each candidate stands for? Have no fear my faithful reader, for I will tell you a little something about each candidate. This is where to come if you are an undecided voter.

 

1.

 

NAME: Barack Obama

NICKNAME: Barackie Boy, Mr. Suit and Tie, Sweet Cheeks

AGE: 47

POLITICAL PARTY: Democrat

MARITAL STATUS: Married. To a woman even.

 

LIKES:

long walks on the beach, romantic candle lit dinners, scooters, the word “subliminal”, all three Shrek movies, Bruce Springsteen, the part in The Wizard of Oz that is in color, freeze tag, a cold refreshing Sprite, slowly letting America know he’s inexperienced.

DISLIKES:

old people, books, Quantum Leap, blondes, women, blonde women, anyone with the last name Clinton, blonde women with the last name Clinton.

IF ELECTED PRESIDENT, HE WILL:

-Bring American troops back home. We’ll need them for when we invade the next country on the list (I’m looking at you, Iran)

-make health care affordable for those who could afford it.

-increase the minimum wage, thus raising the amount of money it takes to be considered poor.

-invade anywhere with global warming, since it is the real terrorist threat.

-make it so that every television station will run at least one commercial per half hour that shows how great Barack Obama is.

 

 

NUMBER OF FLIP FLOPS PER MONTH: 42

SPECIAL ABILITIES:

heat vision, super speed, flight, the ability to adapt and to say whatever pleases the group he just happens to be standing in front of, a really sweet looking cape.

 

2.

 

NAME: John McCain

NICKNAME: Cranky, Slow Poke, That One Guy From The Movie “Grumpy Old Men”

 

AGE: 72 (Mr. McCain wishes to inform the public that age is just a number)

 

POLITICAL PARTY: Republican

 

MARITAL STATUS: Has been married twice, once to his wife now, and once more back when he was involved in a love triangle with Queen Elizabeth and Sir Walter Raleigh.

 

LIKES:

Matlock, Werther’s Originals, hard candy, social security, Medicare, pain medication, music before guitars were invented, driving 25 mph below the speed limit, Roy Rogers, Hardee’s breakfast, senior citizen discounts, waking up at 5:30 A.M.

DISLIKES:

Young people on his lawn, change, noise, music with drums, Vietnam, anyone with their original teeth, chewy food, 9:00 P.M, people not remembering the good ole’ days.

IF ELECTED PRESIDENT, HE WILL:

-Defeat Terrorism. With his bare hands that he can’t raise above his head.

-Get rid of Rated R movies.

-Declare that everyone must own an “I Love My Grandpa” shirt.

-lower health costs on prostate exams.

-make 72 years old the new 40.

 

NUMBER OF FLIP FLOPS PER MONTH: 63

SPECIAL ABILITIES:

yelling at young people, super strength, hip with the ability to break, supporting our troops while pointing out how no one else is, can take his teeth in and out of his own mouth.

 

 

 

3.

 

NAME: Johnny Townsend

NICKNAME: Shrekness, Bud, That Weird Guy Who Keeps Staring at Me

AGE: 25

POLITICAL PARTY: He represents all of America

MARITAL STATUS: Single, oh so very single…

LIKES:

America, chicken, girls who say they like him but only as a friend, basketball, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Jesse Jackson and his witty sayings, saving kittens stuck in trees, saving babies stuck in trees, being a people person, pretending to be President and learning how to handle being blamed for everything, Ford Mustangs, fast cars, fast women, slow women, smart women, dumb women, women with little or no standards, desperate women…(EDITORS NOTE: this goes on like this for another five or six lines, so I will fast forward it)….and blue women like on Star Trek

DISLIKES:

anyone who hates America, guns (unless you like guns then he does too), criminals, Nicholas Cage movies, Nickelback songs, Jesse Jackson and his witty sayings, Chinese checkers, he hates everything that you hate, unless you like that thing he hates, which in that case he likes it too…or hates it….wait did you say you liked it or hated it cause he totally agrees with you.

IF HE IS ELECTED PRESIDENT, HE WILL:

-end world hunger

-make bad movies the new source of fuel, thus ending our gasoline crises by replacing it with a never ending source.

-he will end the pain women feel during child birth

-he will follow you to school and beat up those bullies who have been bothering you

-he swears to stop hurricanes in their tracks

-promises to rid the world of any movie that includes the words “Traveling Pants.”

-will replace the wheel with the triangle

-promises to acknowledge that he has no experience, but more than makes up for that with intelligence.

-promises to admit that he’s no intelligent.

 

NUMBER OF FLIP FLOPS PER MONTH: he claims to only wear tennis shoes that are made by 8 year old Korean children just like every other American.

SPECIAL ABILITIES:

is a lot like Batman, minus the cool gadgets and skills and athletic ability, can leap tall pebbles in a single bound, his superb jumping ability allows him to complete many lay ups, thus allowing him to dominate any WNBA game.

 

 

 

There you have it. You’re three presidential candidates. Hopefully this little cheat sheet will help you in your decision.

On another note, I have been allowed to join the website http://humor-blogs.com/. This website lets you see a wide collection of humorous blogs. It also allows you to rank them. I am not above asking you to vote for me, since I could really use anything that could be construed as a small victory. So please go to that site (the link is on the side in my Blogroll). With your help, I can go from being ranked 796th overall to 782nd.

 

I thought I would end this helpful blog with a picture of the third candidate, Johnny Townsend, in action at a recent rally in Hickory, North Carolina.

Recently in the news, Youtube has come under fire. Why you ask? Because of a video that some girls posted that showed them beating up another girl over something on myspace. People were saying how Youtube should not have let that video be posted. While I agree that it was a terrible video, I do not agree that it should have been took off. Why is outrage always so misplaced? These six girls beat up one girl, and people want to be angry at Youtube instead of the people responsible. Ridiculous. But that isn’t even what this rant is about.

This rant is about how completely stupid kids have become. Why in the friggin world do you videotape a crime and THEN post it for the world to see? How stupid are you? We should be more concerned about the stupidity in our children then anything. We need more classes on common sense.

And why are we mad at Youtube? They provided the proof. There is no way these people responsible can say they aren’t responsible. It’s there. The whole world saw it. You know how much easier the OJ case would have been if he had taped it and put it on the internet? By the way, I still claim that the best thing OJ ever did was play in the Naked Gun movies. Why don’t they make a good stupid comedy like that anymore?

So this is just a short post. Why are kids so stupid? It pains me to admit that it could be due to the public schools. Come on public school system, help me to take up for you again.

On a side note, let’s stop blaming other things when kids do these things. We blame video games, internet, music, radio etc when we should be blaming ourselves. It is our fault. We raise these kids. A video game did not make a kid go and shoot up a school. The kid feeling like they had no escape and that was the only way is why. So let’s help out our youth. Let’s help them to be more mature. Let’s tell them that if they’re going to beat up someone with the odds 6 people to 1, to not videotape it. Friggin idiots.

One more side note: it saddens me that I feel I must put this just in case someone thinks I’m pro beat up kids. What these people done was terrible and outrageous. These kids were messed up to begin with, thinking that they were invincible. They should be put in jail. Maybe that will shut their little brat holes up. Also, let’s take MTV off the air, cause while I refuse to blame television for kids behaving badly, I will gladly throw MTV into the flame for it’s reality shows and My Sweet Sixteen, which is the devil. It makes me detest and hate rich kids.

Also, why is it when I ask for feedback (as in the last blog post) I get nothing? Lazy bums. I do this for you. I could charge you to read this genius but I don’t. The least you can do is to comment when I say to comment. Ya raggamuffins (I’m bringing that word back).

This may in deed be the shortest entry into this blog. I have decided that I miss a lot of things. Here they are in no particular order.

1. Arrested Development. Oh George Michael, you left us way to soon.

2. Aerosmith. Wait, that’s one I wish would leave.

3. Mel Gibson. Look Mellie, I know you might be a jew hater, but gosh darn it, I really enjoyed Signs.

4. Steve Carrell. I know he’s in movies, but they take to long to come out. My man crush grows on this man who is so talented I wish to become him. Or be adopted by him.

5. The Daily Show special reports. There are not enough of them.

6. America’s morals. Sorry, I had to include one thing slightly political.

7. British comedy. It just grows and grows more awesomely.

8. My golf game. Ok ok, I never actually had a golf game, but when I go to the golf course by golly I pretend.

9. Nicholas Cage’s acting ability. Oh ha ha ha. I keep forgetting he never had that.

10. Weekends. You wait all week for them to show up and then they only stay for two and a half days.

11. Girls telling me that there is a girl out there for me it’s just not apparently them. Hey wait a minute…I get this all the time.

12. Snakes. They have no legs yet still get around? That’s about as unnatural as MTV airing shows about teenage children who are unrealistically spoiled by their overly rich parents who let their teenagers run every aspect of their life and choose not to set boundaries so the kids come off as the rich snotty too good for everyone bast holes they really are.

13. The Far Side. Dang I love those cartoons.

And of course…

14.

 

 

Are there things you miss?  please i beg you to share.  Leave a comment!