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Everyone knows that the NBA was amazing in the 90s.  I was lucky enough to grow up in the era in which not only had Michael Jordan, but also featured the Dream Team, Shawn Kemp, and the Charlotte Hornets.  Today we’re gonna dive deep into the real reasons as to why the 90s NBA was the greatest.  Starting with….Grandmama.

AAA

Larry Johnson was a powerful undersized forward for the Charlotte Hornets.  When he wasn’t playing basketball with someone roughly the size of your youngest child (Muggsy Bogues), he would spend his free time dressed up as an elderly woman.  It’s not my place to ask why nor is it my place to judge.  All I know is that when Grandmama stepped on the black top in an episode of Family Matters and played ball with a now somehow coordinated Steve Urkel my childhood was complete.  Not even Eddie Winslow could stop Grandmama!

AAAA

Space Jam

The year was 1996.  The world would never be the same after the great documentary “Space Jam” was released.  In this gritty little indie film, Michael Jordan is just minding his own business playing golf with Larry Bird and Peter Venkman when he’s pulled into a new world in which a rabbit and his friends are going to be forced into slavery.  Jordan not only saves their world, but he also saves the talents of Charles Barkley, Grandmama, Muggsy Bogues, Patrick Ewing, and some tall white Mormon guy.  This film is vital to our history.

aaaaa

Lil’ Penny

Penny Hardaway was another one of the players I loved as a child.  This guy could ball.  But what was even better than he was Lil Penny.  Lil Penny would be everywhere.  Some say he was just a doll.  But I like to think that he was a part of Penny Hardaway.  A very small part that loved to do commercials.

That’s all for today.  I’ve said this before, I know, but I hope to start to keep this blog up and going again.  It has been a few years since I had.  So stay tuned!

The great state of Illinois.  Home of something….

 

Where the Name Comes From

Illinois got it’s name from the tribe of Native Americans called the Illini. They were known for their corn growing skills and their ability to hit jump shots. When the white man came, they taught them all they knew, thus keeping the white man useful in basketball.

 

 

Climate:

Since Illinois is a very long state, the weather varies depending upon where you are. Illinois once got into a fight with Ohio when Ohio famously asked the top of Illinois “how the weather was up there.”

 

 

Major Terrible Events:

The Great Chicago Fire (1871). This fire destroyed four square miles of Chicago. It was caused when Catherine O’Leary decided she would milk her cow without warming her hands. These cold hands caused the cow to kick in surprise, knocking over a lantern. This story is true in every aspect except for the part that involved anything with a cow or cold hands. Actually, in 1893 a reporter admitted that he made it up to make a more colorful story. He also admitted to making up the American Civil War, The Alamo, the 1985 Chicago Bears winning the championship, and man landing on the moon.

Winds: Chicago is known as the “windy city” causing many of it’s inhabitants to complain about having their hair ruined.

 

 

Tourist Attractions:

Everything to do in Illinois is in Chicago. If you go to anywhere else in the state, you risk internal boredom or even death by corn.

 

 

History:

1818: Illinois became the 21st state. The state decided it wouldn’t allow slavery, electing instead to become farmers themselves and make all their kids do all the work.

1908: Springfield race riot. A famous riot that began when someone made fun of Homer Simpson for having yellow skin. It lasted through three “doh’s,” two “eat my shorts” and four “don’t have a cow, man’s.”

1919: Chicago race riots. Thirty-eight people die, more than 500 are injured and nearly a thousand residents are left homeless proving that Chicago could do a race riot better than Springfield. This became the last thing that Chicago ever was better than someone else in.

1991: The Chicago Bulls start to win one of many NBA championships. It started Michael Jordan’s great career till he tarnished it with trying to play baseball and star in Space Jam with Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck.

 

 

PERCENTAGES:

65% Caucasian

42% African American

15% have never been to Chicago but heard it was really nice

27% really don’t like math.

 

 

Major Cities:

Springfield-yet another city that somehow becomes the capital even though it’s way less important than another city.

Chicago- some claim that Chicago is the only reason to keep Illinois around. Others claim even that reason isn’t good enough.

 

 

Education:

77% can read

55% think that reading is for suckers and would rather shoot a tommy gun.

 

 

Fun Facts:

-If Chicago were to become it’s own state, then the rest of Illinois would become useless.

-Chicago sports teams are known for their defense, their tenacity, and their ability to always come up short and let those who support them down.

-The first skyscraper was built in Chicago in 1885. Followed soon by the first crazy person to try to climb a skyscraper.

-In 1865 Illinois became the first state to ratify the 13th Amendment abolishing slavery. Many African American farm workers in Illinois celebrated by singing old hymns as they worked in the fields.

-The Illinois state dance is the square dance. Anyone caught doing it is also a square (This joke brought to you circa 1967).

-Nabisco has the world‘s largest cookie and cracker factory in Chicago. You can be arrested for calling someone a “cracker” as well as eating your Oreo Cookie in the wrong manner. One must twist and then pull to make sure there is cream on both sides of the cookie.

 

 

Famous Illinoisans:

Charlton Heston. An actor who was best known for wanting to shoot a gun more so than his own acting.

Bill Murray. Famous actor best known for the historical document Ghostbusters which was based on the true story of four heroes who saved New York from a giant walking marshmallow.

Walt Disney. This man created Mickey Mouse and Disney. He did this while also hating children and Jews, leaving him with precious little “me” time.

 

The home of many a fan’s shattered dreams.

 

If you look closely you can find Waldo.

 

You have just seen what the rest of the state of Illinois looks like.

 

After reaching a new population milestone, Chicago had to set up a new parking system.

 

After building the world’s largest bottle of ketchup, Illinois residents cursed themselves for not building the world’s largest french fry.

 

Mickey would go on to become just one of many Disney characters who would refuse to wear both a shirt and a pair of pants at the same time. 

In an effort to make your news gathering easier, I have put this weeks most important stories in this post along with a short description of what it’s about, followed by a photo of said event. You’re welcome.

 

1. Georgia vs Russia

Russia decided this week that it was going to be a real party pooper on the Olympics. Russia invaded the country of Georgia this week (when pressed for comment, Paris Hilton stated “we must save Atlanta”). Russia claims to be doing this just for the fun of it. Georgia signed a cease fire agreement, which a Russian sniper promptly shot. When Georgia claims that Russia was going against it’s word when it said it would stop hostilities, Russia rebukes that it had it’s fingers crossed.

 

These Russian soldiers politely invite the Georgian motorists to play a game of chicken.

 

After being blown out of her house, this Georgian woman reaches for a pair of pants.

 

This Georgian woman grabs her child and sobs uncontrollably as the only Wal-Mart in Georgia crumbles down behind her.

 

2. Poland Allows the USA to Put Up Missile Shield

Poland and the United States are now bff’s. Poland will allow the United States to build part of their global missile Shield there. Russia seemed to not agree with this for some reason. Which prompted many, many jokes about how many Polacks does it take to build a Missile Shield.

 

After reaching the agreement, these two men quickly went to the back for more “intense” discussions. 

 

3. The Olympics In China

While Russia is enjoying itself by destroying peace, the Chinese were doing everything in their power to prove that they at least had the self control to not kill thousands of people while the world was watching. Currently the United States was leading in medals, while the Chinese under the age of 12 were winning all the golds. Michael Phelps has quickly become the stuff of legend, bringing many to ask if he’s the only person actually involved in the Olympics.

 

After losing to the United States Men’s basketball team, all the Chinese basketball players were executed (except for Yao Ming). 

 

A member of the Chinese Olympic Gymnastic Team.

 

All these medals were made with pride by the 5 year old chinese children who were forced to make them.

 

 

4. Bigfoot Found!

Two people claim to have the body of a dead Bigfoot in their freezer. The results of DNA testing revealed that it could either be a Bigfoot or just a really big opossum. Many people have claimed to have witnessed these big hairy mythical creatures. While most of these sightings just prove to be really tall Mexicans, others are unexplainable.

 

Charlton Heston resting in peace.

 

 

5. Chupacabra Caught On Tape!!

A Texas sheriff deputy filmed an odd looking creature that was running in front of his car. While mostly looking like a dog through most of the video, at one point the creature turns it’s head revealing an odd face with a longer than usual snout. Experts claim the video could either be of a fox/wolf combo animal or Barbara Streisand.

 

 

6. Jackson Browne Sues John McCain

Jackson Browne files a suit against McCain for using his song “Running on Empty” in his campaign. Browne states that by using his song it implies that he endorses John McCain. Jackson Browne has been well known as a lifelong liberal and being a supporter of social and economic justice. He is lesser known for his music.

 

That’s not a misprint.  That really does say the very best of Jackson Browne

NORTH CAROLINA

 

North Carolina. What a beautiful state. It has three beautiful regions. Mountains, piedmont, and the ever eroding beaches. Come for the changing of the leaves, stay for the pig farms.

 

WHERE DID THE NAME COME FROM?

North Carolina was named after the feared dinosaur Northus Carolinius. It was known for it’s sharp teeth and it’s constant need for road construction.

 

CLIMATE

The climate in the state of North Carolina is considered awesome. And it’s only considered awesome if you love terrible weather. Enjoy the hot humid summers and the cold but not cold enough for snow winters.

 

CLIMATE EVENTS

A. Super storm of 1993- a huge storm that affected most of the united states, doing much damage and causing havoc to a lot of americans. Almost as much so as Dr. Phil.

B. Hurricane (pick a name any name) – many hurricanes have hit the area, causing massive erosion. The Cape Hatteras Lighthouse was quoted as saying “Oh no, not again.”

 

TOURIST ATTRACTIONS

1. Outer Banks. Known for it’s vast areas of sand.

2. Putt putt. Massive putt putts everywhere. Miniature golf is the only thing that fuels North Carolina’s economy. You will be able to find any putt putt course you wish and play on, since most of them are now out of business and closed.

 

HISTORY

– North Carolina was officially discovered in 1584. Sir Walter Raleigh was sailing, trying to find a new land so he’d have a place to stash his pot.

– North Carolina was the 12th state to ratify the Constitution. It was the 1st state to decide that Hootie and the Blowfish should have a career, something they have yet to be forgiven for.

– Civil War – North Carolina was heavily involved with the civil war. From oppressing slaves to shooting Stonewall Jackson, their own general, and killing him. On a side note, it is one of the states in the south that still practices racism.

– the first airplane was built at Kitty Hawk. It was a short flight, so there were no peanuts or drinks available.

 

DEMOGRAPHIC

Has a population of 8,856,505, though this is not counting the illegal immigrants who make up most of Western North Carolina.

 

RACES:

Caucasians – 55%

African American – 42%

Latinos – 20 % (all 20% live in the same trailer)

 

MAJOR CITIES

Charlotte – home to many sports teams like the Charlotte Bobcats, the Carolina Panthers, and the lesser known Charlotte Bank Employees.

Raleigh – Home to tobacco. Raleigh has only a year to live thanks to the lung cancer it was just diagnosed with last week. It claims it can quit anytime it wants.

 

EDUCATION

1% can read at an adult level

99% like books with pictures

 

RECREATION

Most north Carolinians enjoy playing basketball. Although most will never turn pro due to their Caucasian tendencies.

 

STATS AND FUN FACTS

– state bird: cardinal

-state motto: “Enjoy our beaches while they’re still there.”

– High Point is considered the furniture capital of the world. So while there is nothing to do in High Point, you will always have a place to sit down.

– The Graveyard of the Atlantic is where many ships have sunk to their doom. It is a vast graveyard of sunken ships and broken dreams. The east coasts version of Las Vegas.

– Babe Ruth hit his first home run in North Carolina. He also invented the candy bar at the same time.

– North Carolina is home to many lavish meth labs. Some even have running water.

– It is the leader in tobacco production, and the leading cause of those annoying Truth ads.

– the oldest town in the state is called Bath, named after the very thing it’s residents refuse to partake in.

 

– 9 out of 10 radio stations play country music, which in turn really depresses me

 

 

FAMOUS PEOPLE FROM NORTH CAROLINA

– Thomas Wolfe. A writer. Sadly, no one from his home state has ever read any of his books or heard of him at all.

– Clay Aiken. A singer of some sorts. It is unknown what sex Clay is, as well as why he/she is remotely popular.

– Andy Griffith. Actor. Whistler. He could arrest you for jay walking AND represent you in court.

– Dale Earnhardt. Race care driver. Known for driving in circles and turning left. Turning right is what killed him.

 

The map of North Carolina.   I only know this because it was labeled.

 

The Cape Hatteras Lighthouse.  Every day it inches closer and closer to it’s doom.

 

Nascar: the number two spectator sport in the world, behind competitive toastering.

 

the first flight of man.  the wright brothers only had a two hour delay and it only took them four hours to get through security and to check their luggage.

 

The Blue Ridge Parkway.  It is so beautiful that you barely notice the empty bear cans tossed to the side of the road.

 

this is the first of an ongoing series about the 50 states. We will start with the grand state of Kentucky*

KENTUCKY

 

Kentucky is one of four U.S. states officially known as a commonwealth. This means absolutely nothing. Nadda. No one has used the word commonwealth since 1954. Kentucky is known as a bluegrass state. This confuses everyone since the grass is not blue. The music is also not grass. Kentucky is also home to horse racing, a sport that most people do not believe still exists.

WHERE DID THE NAME COME FROM?

Named after the fast food chain Kentucky Fried Chicken. The whole state comes in original or extra crispy.

CLIMATE

The temperature is normally hot. Unless it’s snowing. Then I guess it’s cold. What do I know? I’m no meteorologist.

CLIMATE EVENTS

a. Louisville tornado of 1890 claimed over 75 lives. It is also responsible for throwing a cow at Helen Hunt and Bill Paxton.

b. april 3rd 1974 tornado outbreak caused 72 deaths. Residents claim that this will not persuade them to move the trailers they live in.

c. 2008 Super Tuesday tornado outbreak claimed 7 lives. Sensing a pattern yet?

 

TOURISTS ATTRACTIONS

a. Kentucky Derby. Go to watch horses run around in a circle once a year. Be sure to bet all your savings on the horse with the coolest name. I bet everything I had last year on a horse named Old With Arthritis. I’m still paying on that one.

b. Louisville zoo. Come see all the amazing animals Kentucky has to offer. From cats to squirrels to the rare human with intelligence. Watch him as he figures out how to use sticks as primitive tools.

c. Mammoth Cave. It’s the world’s longest cave system. The other end comes up in China. Just like in the cartoons.

HISTORY

– Luckily for the early settlers of Kentucky, the native americans had done them a solid and either moved or died from the area. This saved the settlers from the terrible burden of killing and pillaging their teepees thus saving them years of therapy.

– It was a border state during the Civil War. This meant it had cold feet and commitment issues. Some say it will never settle down and get married.

 

DEMOGRAPHICS

Kentucky has a population of 17 people. None of them know each others names and all live in Louisville. There is not a single soul located anywhere else in the entire area.

 

RACES

Caucasian – 50%

African American – 0%

Hispanic – 0%, though Jose comes to clip the hedges every Tuesday

Bluegrass Musicians – 15%

 

MAJOR CITIES

Louisville. The only major city in the state. No other cities are real and are considered ghost towns.

 

EDUCATION

5% can read.

2% finished high school.

 

RECREATION

Most Kentuckians enjoy going to Kentucky Wildcat games. They get a thrill out of getting their hopes up just to have them dashed by a mediocre team. See also Arizona.

 

STATS AND FUN FACTS

Official State Bird: cardinal

Official motto: “Please come here. I’m lonely.”

-state is home to 25630 Wal-Marts. Most do no business since they are located in the middle of nowhere. They will never close down their stores since then no one will be able to purchase a box of oreo cookies and the Die Hard trilogy on DVD at the same place.

– the state hopes to have high speed internet in the next 5 to 10 years.

– the state internet consists of two squirrels running back and forth along power lines.

– 3 out of the 7 total houses have running water.

– only country music exists here. If you are heard playing some other type of music, then you are lynched and then hung by the neck until dead as according to the law.

 

FAMOUS PEOPLE FROM KENTUCKY

– George Clooney. Yeah, that Clooney. The handsome dream boat from ER.

– Jim Bowie. Died in the Alamo. Also known for his invention of a knife of some sort, though I don’t recall the name.

– Tom Cruise. Kentucky officially only claims him from the time he was born until the movie Minority Report. Pre crazy years.

– Johnny Depp. A pirate who was best known as the captain of the Black Pearl. Witnesses describe him as a semi intelligent man who walked as if he was drunk all the time. They thought he was dead when he went down with the ship, but somehow he was brought back in a long and drawn out sequence that is completely incomprehensible. He was known for many daring events. Including saving the damsel in distress, Orlando Bloom.

– Ashley Judd. Seen at many basketball games and stores “borrowing” things.

– Billy Ray Cyrus. The father of a famous 15 year old. The only thing important he ever did was grow a mullet.

 

I will end all these posts with pictures from Kentucky along with a description of each.

The top border was originally suppose to be much more straight, but the person who drew the original picture drank 8 coffees after a hard night of partying.

 

The Kentucky Derby.  Where horses have a moment of fame before they are turned into glue. 

 

The official state food.  also, voted most likely to succeed in high school.

 

with this picture of George Clooney included in my blog, I am now guarenteed an additional 15 visits to this site from women and some men.

 

the only instruments you are allowed to use in Kentucky.  If you are caught using anything else, you will be treated as if you do not have the right to vote.

I was having trouble trying to decide on what to write about. I was having bloggers block if you will. Then I woke up this morning with the news on my radio. There were three things that really grabbed my attention. Thanks to the sad state of the world for these things that nudged me enough to write about.

1. Roger Clemmons apparently had an affair with Mindy McCready. First off, I had no idea who that woman is or was, but apparently she was a country music star. I say apparently since I refuse to accept any country music person as a star. This affair allegedly started when she was 15 years old. Keep in mind none of this has been proven. With that being said, if this is true, then the main thing we should be upset about is the fact that Roger Clemmons, when he was 28 now, had an affair with a 15 year old. This angered me at first. But what really got me was the reporting on this situation and everyone saying how bad this is for his reputation. Guess what? It should be. If you’re a 28 year old guy and you just have to have some 15 year old then you deserve for your reputation to suffer. Take some more steroids so your hide grows thicker.

 

2. Miley Cyrus has some pictures coming out that are causing an uproar. She is also just 15 years old. She was being photographed for Vanity Affair. It’s a magazine that is suppose to be about art, which I had no idea that art is just another word for inappropriate smut. It’s not even good smut. This gives smut a bad name. There are a lot of people who should be ashamed of themselves. Miley Cyrus herself has already apologized for the photos. But what about the adults? Why haven’t I heard of her manager apologizing? Why haven’t I heard her parents apologizing? Why hasn’t the photographer apologized? How can you possibly think that having a 15 year old take her top off and take pictures of her with just a blanket is a good idea?

One of the arguments is that Vanity Affair is art. I fail to see how this is art. Leonardo da Vinci made art. The Beatles made art. Kiddie soft core porn is not art. This is proof of our society’s sad state of affairs. How did no one involved not know that these photos were unacceptable? I would think that once someone asked a 15 year old to remove their clothes that they would of stood up and said something.

But guess what? This did exactly what Vanity Affair wanted it to do. They are in the business to sale magazines. Guess what? This issue will sale. Controversy sales. It makes people tune in. It makes people buy magazines. It’s why the news has become a joke and is now nothing but entertainment and bad stories. Humanity itself is crumbling away. Morals have slowly decayed. Aerosmith has not retired.

3. Josh Howard, a NBA basketball player for the Dallas Mavericks, said on a radio station that everyone in the NBA smokes pot. Way to make the league look great and top notch there Josh. There is already this stereotyping of professional basketball players and you have done nothing to change this perception. Do all basketball players have 20 kids with different moms? Do all basketball players carry guns? The NBA gets a really bad rap sometimes. I know it has earned some of it, but if you look at the overall products of all our major league sports, you would see that the NFL has just as many problematic players. I can’t for the life of me understand how football is held in such a higher regard then basketball. Guess it’ll never make sense to me. And Josh, perhaps if you’d quit puffing that magic dragon you’d be playing better then you are right now in your playoff series with the Hornets.

4. Last, on a slightly lighter but none the less anger inducing note, I heard a list of the top ten most influential and best tv shows of all time. I can’t remember the list off the top of my head, but I do remember some shows that were not included. So, in an effort to make you people realize that there is still good television out there, perhaps better now than ever, I will list some shows that you must see. Shows that will no doubt hold a place in the next time a top list of television shows comes out. Then I will give you a list of some that should not exist.

 

1. Lost

If you do not watch this show, then you really hate everything that’s awesome. Never has a show with so many characters been so captivating. Will Kate end up with Sawyer? What’s up with the smoke monster? How come that statue had four toes and hasn’t been mentioned sense? One of the best shows made. How do I know? I watch it, and I’m an expert.

2. The Office (American)

I have not seen the original brittish version that this series is based on, but I have heard some amazing things. The American version of the office however is superb. The most real comedy out there. The only show that utilizes awkwardness for the comedy that it holds. Every episode has something you want to quote. You can never ever go wrong with Steve Carrell. Also, can you really deny Dwight’s beets? I think not.

 

3. X-Files

The first show that really made me feel like I could never miss it. The acting wasn’t the greatest at the first, but you could really get into these stories. A show that has spawned a lot of other shows and for good reason. Don’t worry, there’s a movie coming soon. The truth is out there.

 

4. The Simpsons

One of the longest running shows ever on television. The show that made it possible for there to be a cartoon that was geared for older people. The show that made you think the main lead character was incredibly dumb but actually quite caring and loving and always meant well. D’oh is in the dictionary now. That’s how important this show is.

 

5. Futurama

The other show by Matt Groening. This one is thankfully being brought back. Also animated, it’s jokes were perhaps even more sharp and smarter then the Simpsons.

6. South Park

Another great animated show. This show is probably more known for it’s vulgar which is unfortunate. One of the smartest shows on television today. Who else has the meatballs to go after scientology?

 

7. Boy Meets World

Sorry, I couldn’t help this. I loved this show when I was younger. Plus Topanga was smoking.

 

8. Arrested Development

A show that was ended way before it’s time. I’m just glad that there’s apparently a movie in the works and that some of the people in the show are starting to have good careers (Michael Cera I’m looking at you).

 

Honarable Mention: Supernatural

This show can really thank the X-Files for it’s existence. Every episode seems like a really well made suspenseful horror movie.

 

 

And now the moment you’ve been waiting for. The shows that are so terrible I have no idea how they are on television.

1. Anything on MTV. There is nothing on this channel that oozes anything resembling decent. You can’t even catch a music video on there, and when you finally do, it’s of some crunk rap video. How much more Real World 56 and Spoiled Highschool Girls can we consume?

 

2. Dancing with the Stars. Let’s be real first off. These aren’t really stars. This should be titled “Dancing with B and C List Celebrities.” Why is watching these people dance good? I dunno, I don’t understand it.

3. Oprah, Dr. Phil, Maury Povich, etc.

I never understood how these shows get so big. How exactly did that afternoon television talk show make Oprah that rich? Seriously I don’t know. If those people can get daytime shows, then I’m next in line. It can’t be that hard to tell someone who the real daddy is or to take the blame for every situation.

 

 

I realize this is a lot to read in today’s blog. That’s why I included a lot of pictures. I hate reading when I don’t have to too. This is to tide you off till I can get ready my next major idea for this blog. Don’t forget to comment on some shows you think I should of included and why. Be prepared for me to rip it apart if I feel it stupid. And I highly value my own opinion.

 *all the photos were from www.amazon.com