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Has the upcoming election confused you? Don’t really know who to vote for? Do you feel yourself wondering what each candidate stands for? Have no fear my faithful reader, for I will tell you a little something about each candidate. This is where to come if you are an undecided voter.

 

1.

 

NAME: Barack Obama

NICKNAME: Barackie Boy, Mr. Suit and Tie, Sweet Cheeks

AGE: 47

POLITICAL PARTY: Democrat

MARITAL STATUS: Married. To a woman even.

 

LIKES:

long walks on the beach, romantic candle lit dinners, scooters, the word “subliminal”, all three Shrek movies, Bruce Springsteen, the part in The Wizard of Oz that is in color, freeze tag, a cold refreshing Sprite, slowly letting America know he’s inexperienced.

DISLIKES:

old people, books, Quantum Leap, blondes, women, blonde women, anyone with the last name Clinton, blonde women with the last name Clinton.

IF ELECTED PRESIDENT, HE WILL:

-Bring American troops back home. We’ll need them for when we invade the next country on the list (I’m looking at you, Iran)

-make health care affordable for those who could afford it.

-increase the minimum wage, thus raising the amount of money it takes to be considered poor.

-invade anywhere with global warming, since it is the real terrorist threat.

-make it so that every television station will run at least one commercial per half hour that shows how great Barack Obama is.

 

 

NUMBER OF FLIP FLOPS PER MONTH: 42

SPECIAL ABILITIES:

heat vision, super speed, flight, the ability to adapt and to say whatever pleases the group he just happens to be standing in front of, a really sweet looking cape.

 

2.

 

NAME: John McCain

NICKNAME: Cranky, Slow Poke, That One Guy From The Movie “Grumpy Old Men”

 

AGE: 72 (Mr. McCain wishes to inform the public that age is just a number)

 

POLITICAL PARTY: Republican

 

MARITAL STATUS: Has been married twice, once to his wife now, and once more back when he was involved in a love triangle with Queen Elizabeth and Sir Walter Raleigh.

 

LIKES:

Matlock, Werther’s Originals, hard candy, social security, Medicare, pain medication, music before guitars were invented, driving 25 mph below the speed limit, Roy Rogers, Hardee’s breakfast, senior citizen discounts, waking up at 5:30 A.M.

DISLIKES:

Young people on his lawn, change, noise, music with drums, Vietnam, anyone with their original teeth, chewy food, 9:00 P.M, people not remembering the good ole’ days.

IF ELECTED PRESIDENT, HE WILL:

-Defeat Terrorism. With his bare hands that he can’t raise above his head.

-Get rid of Rated R movies.

-Declare that everyone must own an “I Love My Grandpa” shirt.

-lower health costs on prostate exams.

-make 72 years old the new 40.

 

NUMBER OF FLIP FLOPS PER MONTH: 63

SPECIAL ABILITIES:

yelling at young people, super strength, hip with the ability to break, supporting our troops while pointing out how no one else is, can take his teeth in and out of his own mouth.

 

 

 

3.

 

NAME: Johnny Townsend

NICKNAME: Shrekness, Bud, That Weird Guy Who Keeps Staring at Me

AGE: 25

POLITICAL PARTY: He represents all of America

MARITAL STATUS: Single, oh so very single…

LIKES:

America, chicken, girls who say they like him but only as a friend, basketball, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Jesse Jackson and his witty sayings, saving kittens stuck in trees, saving babies stuck in trees, being a people person, pretending to be President and learning how to handle being blamed for everything, Ford Mustangs, fast cars, fast women, slow women, smart women, dumb women, women with little or no standards, desperate women…(EDITORS NOTE: this goes on like this for another five or six lines, so I will fast forward it)….and blue women like on Star Trek

DISLIKES:

anyone who hates America, guns (unless you like guns then he does too), criminals, Nicholas Cage movies, Nickelback songs, Jesse Jackson and his witty sayings, Chinese checkers, he hates everything that you hate, unless you like that thing he hates, which in that case he likes it too…or hates it….wait did you say you liked it or hated it cause he totally agrees with you.

IF HE IS ELECTED PRESIDENT, HE WILL:

-end world hunger

-make bad movies the new source of fuel, thus ending our gasoline crises by replacing it with a never ending source.

-he will end the pain women feel during child birth

-he will follow you to school and beat up those bullies who have been bothering you

-he swears to stop hurricanes in their tracks

-promises to rid the world of any movie that includes the words “Traveling Pants.”

-will replace the wheel with the triangle

-promises to acknowledge that he has no experience, but more than makes up for that with intelligence.

-promises to admit that he’s no intelligent.

 

NUMBER OF FLIP FLOPS PER MONTH: he claims to only wear tennis shoes that are made by 8 year old Korean children just like every other American.

SPECIAL ABILITIES:

is a lot like Batman, minus the cool gadgets and skills and athletic ability, can leap tall pebbles in a single bound, his superb jumping ability allows him to complete many lay ups, thus allowing him to dominate any WNBA game.

 

 

 

There you have it. You’re three presidential candidates. Hopefully this little cheat sheet will help you in your decision.

On another note, I have been allowed to join the website http://humor-blogs.com/. This website lets you see a wide collection of humorous blogs. It also allows you to rank them. I am not above asking you to vote for me, since I could really use anything that could be construed as a small victory. So please go to that site (the link is on the side in my Blogroll). With your help, I can go from being ranked 796th overall to 782nd.

 

I thought I would end this helpful blog with a picture of the third candidate, Johnny Townsend, in action at a recent rally in Hickory, North Carolina.

Here’s the problem I have with PETA.  By now I’m sure most of you have heard about the horse that died on the track at the Kentucky Derby.  My problem with PETA is how they act.  Let me first say that I know hardly anything about horse racing.  I’ve never watched a full race ever.  PETA is outraged about this incident.  Let me pick a part their argument.

They say that whipping the horse is inhumane.  You know what?  I agree.  Take it out.  But I heard on ESPN today that the only reason it’s still even done is that it’s tradition.  Everyone agreed it should go.  My problem with PETA is not that they pointed this out, it’s that they used this event to point this out, when this has been going on for a long time.  It was called a tradition.  Why wait till now to really jump into the fray?  I’ll tell you why.  Publicity. 

PETA went right after the jockey who was riding the horse.  It’s always the humans fault.  These are the same people who if a human being and a dog were both dying, they would push the human off to the side and give the dog CPR.   These are the people that if I were to hit a dog in my car because i couldn’t get over to the other side of the road due to cars, they would sue me for not hitting the car instead of the dog.  This jockey did nothing wrong.  Everyone interviewed has said this. 

On ESPN this morning, they played a piece of an interview with a spokeswoman from PETA, and she wouldn’t ever actually answer a question asked.  Instead she would take the question and answer it by saying how cruel and terrible the treatment of the horses was.  Listen, these are some lucky horses.  I guarantee that some of them live a much fuller and better life then i do.  I know a bunch of them are richer.  Also, the boy horses aren’t just turned to glue (and if they are it is probably the best glue, a thoroughbred glue), they live out their retirement making it with some hot lady horses.  

 PETA’s problem is that it just seems that they are using this situation as publicity.  Jumping on a sad situation to further their cause.  PETA is just one of many groups who come out and have aided this country into becoming one that is so overly politically correct. 

 

Switching gears, I have watched American Idol tonight.  Here are my thoughts…

DAVID COOK:  probably not his best work (tho i thought the Who song was good), but he is hands down the best one overall.  if you don’t think so then guess what?  You’re a nazi.  You jew killer.

DAVID ARCHIE SOMETHING:  annoying.  I think it’s due to how young he is and how he tries to come off as this person who is all about important things.  get over yourself man.  will he make it to the finals?  yes.  why?  because grandmas and 12 year olds have figured out how to text. 

THE GIRL:  am i the only one who thinks she just shrieks and screams everything?  the most annoying thing tonight?  the crying.  i have never seen someone use crying to their advantage.  she will go on because she cried.  i will be really surprised if she doesn’t.  bravo lady, bravo.  SIDE NOTE:  crying is the woman’s main weapon against tyranny.  It is how they get out of speeding tickets, how they get votes, and how they can end the war in Iraq.  Just send some crying women over there.

 
HIPPIE DUDE:  man, i want to like this guy.  I really liked his somewhere over the rainbow a few weeks back.  but wow, he dropped the ball tonight.  ive never seen someone who has these huge eyes that are fully open at all times still seem stoned.  impressive. 

 

finally, i will announce the results to the poll question.  Do you think I should try out for american idol?  Here are the results……

85 percent – no

10 percent – sure why not

15 percent – you are a terrible human being

 

there you have it.  before i leave, ill leave you with this email i got from a fan.  Sherlie James from Orlando, Florida writes..

Dear johnny,

I really enjoy your blogs.  The way you rant really gets my juices flowing.  You are so hilarious.  You deserve your own show or something.  You are so sweet and daring.  I love the way your words just flow from your fingers.  I bet you sound hot when you talk.  I have included a picture of me in a bikini for your own eyes.  i really enjoy looking at those pictures of yourself that you have put in a few blog posts.  I love you and wish to stalk you.  I have to go now, Roger Clemmons is calling me.

you’re biggest fan,

Sherlie James.

 

Keep the fan mail coming!  I enjoy reading how i have changed your lives for the better.  it would also be great if i didn’t have to make these letters up. 

 

P.S:  let me point this out before i end this.  I like animals.  I have two dogs.  One dog i like and one dog that i wish terrible things upon.  So i do like some animals.  some.  i really enjoy penguins.  there’s something about an animal that always looks like it’s wearing a tux….

P.P.S i saw the new brand new trailer for the next Batman movie…..i’m slobbering over this one.  Looks like how Joker should have been done.  RIP Heath.