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Tennessee, the volunteer state. From the majestic mountains to the place where the white guy who made black music ok for teenagers to listen to died on the toilet.




Tennessee’s name comes from the Cherokee Indians. It got it’s start when the chief of the Cherokee saw a beautiful white woman. He couldn’t think of what to say, so asked her if she was from Tennessee. When she denied the allegations, he replied that she was the only ten he saw. Thus not only did Tennessee get it’s name, the first pick up line was born.




Like many of the other states near Tennessee, it has weather like a woman, it can never decide what to do. Am I right guys? Guys???




There was once this huge storm, but it sort of covered the whole area. Tennessee felt a little left out so it decided to join in and declare that it had really low temperatures during that time. Tennessee residents were forced to put on an extra blanket.




-The Great Smokey Mountains. Come and see the beautiful mountains, stay to see the residents in the rural mountains see a book for the very first time.

-Dollywood. It took everything within me to not supply you with a Dolly Parton boob joke. I am trying to run a mature website here………but wow, how are those comfortable? It’s like she was stung and they became swollen…

-Graceland. This is where Elvis lived, ate, slept, ate some more, did a comeback schedule, then ate some more, then died. Many 45 to 55 year olds flock to this site to remember their good ole’ days of rebellion, when they went against their parents and wore skirts that went up to their knee caps and listened to that blasted devil music, otherwise known as Elvis and Buddy Holly.




-1780: West North Carolina and East North Carolina have an argument. West North Carolina got mad and went to it’s room, drawing a line in permanent marker that North Carolina cannot cross. Thus Tennessee was born. Tennessee and North Carolina still hang out sometimes, though their conversations are mainly filled with many awkward silences and some slight swearing.

-1838: The Cherokee Indians are uprooted. They are promised that if they go, they’ll get a new sharpened stick. Many Cherokee to this day have not received their sharpened stick, but many do not care since they are getting their jollies by watching the white man come to their casinos and push themselves ever closer to a divorce and suicide.

-1920: Tennessee became the 36th state to ratify the Amendment that gave women the right to vote. Causing many Tennessee residents to declare “Tennessee has women?”




Whites: 65%

Off Whites: 20%

Guys hoping to be the next Brooks and Dunn: 43%

People who claim that “the volunteer state” is a good nickname: 33%





Memphis: The home of something….something has to be there…come on think…I really should of actually done research for this.

Nashville: Where country music lives and where your dog dies, your tractor breaks down, and you push all your friends away with your alcoholism.




85% are able to read

19% think Garth Brooks should be President





-Tennessee doesn’t actually even exist. It’s a figment of your imagination.

-Tennessee is the only state in which you can never find a signal for your cell phone.

-Tennessee claims that even though it’s nickname is “The Volunteer State” that does not mean you can take advantage of it.

-Tennessee is actually a really big fan of the Johnnyism blog, and you aren’t going to let Tennessee be better than you now are you? ARE YOU???

-in a sworn statement at a Tennessee police department, Johnny signed a sworn affidavit claiming that he did indeed not actually know anything about the state of Tennessee and that he’s never even read a book before.




Al Gore: tried to be president once, now spends his free time pretending to save the universe from a more tropical climate.

Morgan Freeman: Hi. My name is Morgan Freeman. I got a cool voice that reminds everyone of documentaries. I’m a better actor than Samuel L. Jackson. Without me, there would be no March of the Penguins.

Miley Cyrus: the fifteen year old with questionable judgment that your 11 year old daughter likes to imitate.

Elvis: The one man who single handedly went against the “man” by shaking his hips. Not only did he invent music, but he is credited with improving race relations. He actually freed the slaves. See Also: Eminem

If you turn this statue on it’s head, you can almost hear the ocean. 


This man is soley responsible for how great race relations are right now. 


3 out of 4 residents of Tennessee are involved in a country music band.  If you are not, you are considered scum and not allowed to vote. 


Some think that this is a photo of a football game.  Actually, it’s a photo of a riot at a Shania Twain concert.  It’s just a coincidence that there are people wearing orange football jerseys. 


This is what most people from Tennessee swear by.  Most residents swear that if this did not exist, then they would move.  Or probably just eat a different brand of ice cream.


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Big ole’ Texas. The Lone star state. The largest state in the United States (if you don’t count Alaska, something Texas refuses to do). The state flag is red with a huge belt buckle in the center of it. The state where everyone loves BBQ, but no one can spell it.





The state of Texas was named after the country music singer Tex Ritter. I have no actual solid evidence to back this claim up, but you should still believe me since it saves you the trouble of actually trying to look something up. Have I steered you wrong yet?

AUTHOR NOTE: This is a rhetorical question.


 CLIMATETexas is hot. See how easy this is?





-Texas is subject to flooding. Texas says it doesn’t care though, since it’s so big it can handle it.

-Dallas Tornado outbreak. A deadly tornado outbreak that killed people and some cowboys.

-Dick Cheney shoots man in the side of the head. He claims it was an accident, saying he thought the guy was a deer. When pressed for more details, Dick Cheney shoots all the reporters in the room in the face.






 -Texas has many interesting tourist attractions. If you don’t believe Texas, it says to tell that to it in person, you yellow bellied coward.

-The Alamo. Where a handful of men tried to go against a whole army of Mexicans. This great battle is reenacted today in the immigration courts. This is also the resting place of Davey Crockett, who’s only claim to fame was that he wore the best raccoon hat ever made.

-Seaworld. Yeah, I didn’t know Texas had one of these either. Most of the attractions here are no bigger than goldfish, due to the quickly evaporating waters.





  Early Years: Texas was a part of Mexico. Americans were kidnapped and you couldn’t drink the water. Most of the residents spent their time thinking of ways of getting to America, where they can get a decent job picking oranges.

1861: Texas was accepted as a state. The United States thought if it just accepted Texas for who it was, then maybe it would stop picking on them.

1800s to early 1900s: Texas goes through a rough period of violence. Most historians believe this is due to their jeans being to tight.

1950s: Texas attempts to improve it’s education. It now proudly boasts that it’s smarter then Arkansas.





White: 99%

Cowboys: 55%

Have never seen a tennis shoe: 25%

Believe John Wayne was a prophet: 63%

Have seen Tall In The Saddle: 85%

Believe that if you haven’t seen Tall In The Saddle then you’re queer: 65%






Dallas: Known for it’s huge airport. No one has cared about Dallas ever since it was revealed who shot J.R.

San Antonio: The capital city. San Antonio is brought to you by Levi jeans. If you are caught wearing another brand, you will be shot in the head. In a related fact, the roads of San Antonio are made out of corpses.

Houston: A good listener. Everyone will tell you how easy it is to tell Houston that you have a problem.

EDITORS NOTE: the author of this blog wishes for the loyal readers to know that he is not above making those jokes that make you groan because they are so terribly bad






Are literate: 15%

Use books as target practice: 99%





-Since everything is bigger in Texas, the other states believe Texas to be compensating for something.

– Most Texans are quick to point out that although Broke Back Mountain was superbly acted, that is not how they do things in Texas.

-Every 6.8 seconds, someone in Texas spits tobacco into a large spittoon.

-Texas regularly threatens to leave the United States and become it’s own country. It would totally do it too. It just needs a small loan from you and some furniture you’re not using.

-Texas is home to Dell and Compaq. This influenced the Texas state motto, “A connection to the server could not be established.”





-George Bush: His son became president. That’s all I really know about him.

-Gene Roddenberry: Not only did he create Star Trek, he created an instrument that thousands of 30 year old men will use to keep them in their parents’ basement. Widely considered a gateway drug to other nerdcotics such as Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, and online computer roleplaying games.

-Patrick Swayze: Killed in 1990, he was famous for coming back as a ghost and helping Demi More make a clay pot.

-insert country music singer’s name here: many country music artists were born in Texas.  Something I will never forgive Texas for.




This is the average size for a Texan.  Most Texans claim it to be a curse, however.  Stating that it’s really difficult to find jeans their size. 


The alamo.  That patch of grass in the front of it is the only grass located in the entire state of Texas.


You are required by law to wear these in Texas. 


The governor of Texas.  Known for  being a people person and for his slow motion roundhouse kicks.


These useful tools have brought peace and harmony to the state of Texas.