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Are you a guy who’s out of luck when it comes to the ladies? Well please fear not! For I have teamed up with one of the best lady getters in Trevor. Together we have compiled a list of Dating Tips. Follow these to the letter. Trust us. We know what women want.

My tips will be in bold
Trevor’s will be in italics

1. Get a woman. This may be accomplished one of two ways. Way number 1:Being attractive. Way number 2: With a heavy club and a couple of pills slipped into her drink.

2. Don’t even talk about that one really awesome movie you like. She doesn’t care. Trust me.

3. Become interested in whatever she is interested in. Yes, you may have to like that ridiculous vampire movie. All of them.

4. NEVER look her in the eyes. The female species can smell fear. They can also smell nervousness, cheapness, and the occasional silent fart.

5. How do you smell fear or cheapness? Those are states of being, not odors…

6. Tell her you love her every day, unless she doesn’t like that. In that case, you’ve just blown your chances of ever being more than a friend. Way to go, genius…

7. Never tell a woman she looks good. She may ask if she does, but deep down in your bottomless, dark and lonely soul you know she doesn’t care what you think she looks like. In fact, if you touch her she’d probably be disgusted. She looks so disgusted…(author begins to sob uncontrollably)

8. Jeez man…she really hurt you didn’t she? I have a tissue…ok, yeah that’s fine you can cry on my shoulder. A good cry only proves you’re a real man. Any girl would be lucky to have you.

9. When you are out in public and she starts checking her phone every 5 seconds, that means she is way into you. To return the affection, start making phone calls to all your loud friends and be sure to make vulgar jokes about minorities.

10. It’s ok to be vulgar. Women love a bad boy.

11. If, on the first date, you receive a phone call, then for the love of God answer it. It could be an emergency for crying out loud!! Oh? What’s that? It’s just Trevor? Heyyyyyy Trevorrrrr!!! What’s up? Oh I’m just on a date. Yeah I know, she must be desperate. Halo Reach? Sure I can play some of that later…

12. Don’t dive out-of-the-way of a baseball to let your date get hit in the face. Unless you have a really pretty face and she doesn’t.

13. If you’re attacked by a monster, then throw her in it’s terrible, violent path. She will understand. And later you will both have something to laugh about.

14. Don’t ever tell your date how you let your last date get hit in the face with a baseball and mauled to death by a wild animal. That makes you sound like a cupcake.

15. Did someone say cupcakes?

16. Dang, I could really go for a cupcake right now…

17. Go on a date with a woman who will make you cupcakes.

18. If the date falls apart, can I come over for cupcakes?

19. If a girl doesn’t offer you cupcakes then you can certainly do better. Unless you’re horribly unnattractive, which in that case you probably made up the fact that there’s a girl willing to go out with you in the first place (author sobs uncontrollably for the second time)

20. A sense of humor is an aphrodisiac to women…or so I’ve been told….by my lonely, lonely self…(author asks for a minute and goes outside to sob)

21. Talking about being lonely and unattractive is a sure way to get a date. Women will assume your humility is enormous. Women love a man with a huge…humility.

22. What a woman really loves is a self-deprecating man. That’s why so many comedians are really happy in their lives…

23. The Women Species love small wooden squirrels. Make sure you give her one of those.

24. Lists. Everyone loves lists. That includes women.

25. You can tell a lot about a woman by the color of her clothes. Is she wearing red? Then she obviously loves fire trucks. Is she wearing black? Then Spiderman 3 was her favorite Spiderman movie out of the Spiderman trilogy.

26. Women love a man who is good at Boy Meets World trivia.

27. And finally, never forget to give a one arm hug at the end of a date. It shows you care, but not too much.

With these dating tips at your disposal, you are sure to have the ladies foaming at the mouth to be with you. There is no need to thank us, just give us money. We need money so we can get some women.

What’s up blog peeps?  I know what you all have been begging for.  Another mess of dating advice from me, Johnny Townsend.  A guru on what ladies love.  In this post, I will tell you exactly what to ask for and what each of her answers to your questions mean on the first date. 

So you finally work up the courage to talk to that fly honey you’ve had your eye on.  But what exactly do you say once you’ve conquered your fear and walked up to her and she’s staring at you with her beautiful eyes?  Have no fear, that’s what I’m here for. 

Here is what you should say on first approach.

“Hey, would you do me the honor of allowing me to buy you a drink?”

Here’s an example of what you probably shouldn’t say.

“Hey, would you do me the honor of allowing me to stalk you?”

So you just asked her if you can buy her a drink, now you await her answer.  But what exactly does each answer mean?  FEAR NOT FOR I AM HERE!!!

If she says…

“Sure.”    (this means you’re in, but she’s not completely sure about you.  Probably because of how your face looks)

“No thanks.”  (this means she’s not thirsty or she doesn’t find your X-Men tee shirt that appealing)

“Yes.”  (you will never hear this answer.  Disregard it.  If you do hear it, it’s more than likely some sick game she is playing)

So you’ve just bought her a drink.  But your job is not over my friends.  You must ask her yet another question….

“Would you do me the honor of letting me buy you dinner?”

Of course, as like before, she could answer in different ways…

“Nah I already ate.”  (she only used you to buy her that drink)

“You look like you’ve already ate enough.”  (she is a mean person and has just hurt my…err I mean your feelings)

“You smell.”  (you probably should have showered)

“You know what?  Sure.” (she’s depressed and is just glad to have attention from someone, also, could have daddy issues)

Then dinner arrives.  And it all goes extremely well.  You make her laugh.  You listen to everything she tells you.  It’s turning out to be a beautiful evening.  But everyone knows what that means.  It’s time to see if this is going to lead to anything else.  But what exactly do you ask for at her door?  Read on!!

“May I have a kiss?”

“May I come in?”

“I think American Idol is on.  May I watch it with you inside?”

All those questions rarely work.  So what do you say?  How do you get the girl of your dreams to realize you’re the prince charming she’s been waiting for?  Below is the line you MUST memorize.  It is a never fail line and soon you will be hand in hand with your dream girl. 

“I’m a bad boy with issues who you will want to change but won’t be able too.  Also I’m in a band.  And I need to borrow money.”

This never fails.  You follow my guide here, and you are guarenteed not to be alone on Valentine’s Day playing Call of Duty 5.  Or the new Wii Mario Brothers game.  Dang I love that game….

 

It’s almost summer time. Guess what that means? It’s time for love. When you are a single person, and have been for a while, you will at times feel in the dumps. Being single can be quite hard sometimes especially on those nights when no one wants to do anything with you and/or already busy (a.k.a. my every Saturday night). So what do those people who care about you do? Well they feel obliged to say certain things in an attempt to make you feel better. So now for your reading pleasure, I shall list these things and why they shouldn’t be said.

WARNING: THIS BLOG POST IS STOCKED FULL OF BITTERNESS. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. ALSO, THERE MAY BE TYPOS.

1. You’re such a great guy.

I’ve heard this so many times I could vomit. If I was so great then how come I’m alone? OHHH IN YOUR FACE! You know why I’m alone? Cause I’m a selfish cynical horrible looking person. Plus sometimes I don’t answer my phone because I don’t feel like talking to whoever you are. See? Jerk.

2. There is someone out there for everyone. Sometimes known as God has someone out there for you.

Ahh the classic cliché. Another one I have heard many times from my lady friends. There are so many things wrong with this one. First of all, how do you know there is someone out there for me? If you yourself couldn’t see yourself with me, then how could you see anyone else? As for bringing God into this, how do you know for sure He has someone planned for me? Have you ever thought that perhaps He wants me to die alone? Sounds harsh but entirely possible. Have I depressed you? Good, maybe you get the idea now.

3. If I wasn’t dating someone I’d be dating you.

This is one I’ve actually heard. How do I know it’s crap? Because now that person is engaged, and she’s not engaged to me.

4. I can’t believe you haven’t been snatched up yet.

Well really, who wants to be snatched up? Sounds like I’m in one of those machines where a claw goes around and tries to grab prizes. Except I wouldn’t be in the nice expensive claw machine with the stuffed Winnie the Pooh doll. Oh no I’d be in the quarter claw machine where it lets you play till you win.

 

There are just a few. Now let’s examine why these things are said.

1. They have to say them.

They are your friends. If they see you feeling down they feel obliged to feed you some cliché or compliment in an attempt to make you feel better. Well guess what? You’re attempts amuse me while at the same time do nothing for me. In fact, you just make me feel like even worse crap for making you worry about me.

2. It’s what everyone says.

You know why those things are clichés? They are said all the time in those situations. How about next time not saying anything? Or ignoring it and make jokes instead. It’s what I do and look where it got me…oh wait…bad example.

 

Perhaps being single for so long has made me become bitter. I’d also like to think that it has opened my eyes to these fake things that are said just to make yourself feel better. To comfort yourself because you at least tried.

So if you find yourself out on the summer night with your hands clasped tightly to your loved one, then be happy for yourself. You have accomplished something others may not.

But if you ever find yourself about to mention one of those clichés, then do your best to stop yourself. This has been a public service announcement. I’m Johnny Townsend, and now you know.

 

I will leave you with this graph showing you my before and after facial expressions when it comes to hearing one of those cliches.