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Today I am going to make a huge announcement. I feel it is my duty to announce to you all that I, Johnny Townsend, have become a Scientologist.

I’ll let that shock hit you for a bit.

Now I suppose the question you are asking is “why?” I will tell you. Just for signing up to be a Scientologist, you get all this!!!

-They don’t judge you if you go insane.

-You get a free autographed picture of Tom Cruise.

-25% off at any Wal-Mart or Sam’s Club.

-30 free music downloads from Napster.


As you can tell, it’s easy to see why I would join up. All I had to do was to believe that a science fiction writer came up with a legitimate religion and set of beliefs. That was easy!

I will start this new religion after my duties are done this month at my current church. I don’t want to be put in an awkward situation with Christianity.

But why else did I decide to become a Scientologist? That’s easy. I really, really dig those Star Wars flicks.

Besides, if Scientology doesn’t work out for me I can always join the church of the Jedi.


Okay. I have a confession. I didn’t join the church of Scientology. I was going to go undercover and join their ranks just to better understand them and their foreign ways. That is until they told me how much it cost to join. Besides, that Hubbard dude was a weirdo. And not the good kind of weirdo like Dwight from The Office or Gonzo from the Muppet Babies. No, just a weirdo.


QUICK CHINESE FACT #2:  The chinese government have long had a reputation of being strict.  They have sense become more loose, especially on women’s rights.  The government officials now only point their guns at 44% of the women population.  I had a quick conversation with a chinese woman recently when I visited China.  Here is a small portion of that conversation.

ME: How much more free do you feel now that the Chinese government is allowing you to do more things?

WOMAN (she asked to not be identified, which is just fine since I couldn’t spell her name anyways): Yes I feel more free.  Now excuse me, I must go.  They have my family.