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Hello my loyal fan base.  Ever wonder what really happened to some of your favorite child hood heroes?  Wonder no more!  I have done extensive research into this very question.  I even scored an exclusive interview with someone who used to be a major villain back in the day.

1. Wimpy

Most of you will remember Wimpy for his appearances on Popeye.  Wimpy was a beloved character who’s catchphrase about paying back people for a cheeseburger won him a place in the heart of millions.  Unfortunately for him, Popeye himself suffered from malnutrition (all he ever ate was spinach) and was unable to keep the show going.  Wimpy would fade from the lime light.

After Popeye, Wimpy made a decent living from being a spokesman for cheeseburgers.  He had to quit the job after his knees were broken for not paying back his debts.  “He just kept saying he’d pay them Tuesday.  I told him he should pay for those cheeseburgers, but Wimpy just ignored me and finished his Big Mac I bought him.” said a family friend I interviewed over the phone.  “After his knees were broken he became a sad man and his weight ballooned up to 545 pounds.”

Today Wimpy can be found in the Nature’s Peaceful Valley Nursing Home.  Wimpy lost his toes to diabetes seven years ago.  I wasn’t able to interview Wimpy himself because when I got there he was asleep with cheeseburger crumbs all over his shirt and slobber down his face.

2. Skeletor

Skeletor rose to fame by being a ruthless villain who was known for his madness and brutality.  The skeletor now is a different man.  “After the show I fell on hard times.” Skeletor told me in an exclusive interview.  “I finally went to the doctor and found out I have this rare skin condition in which I don’t have any skin on my face.”  Skeletor tried to find another acting job and soon found out he was typecast.  He tried for many parts in movies but lost them to what he calls “people with skin on their skulls.”  The last straw was when he lost the part of the main role in Braveheart.  “They told me they liked my audition but they decided to go in another direction.  When I asked them why they gave the part to Mel Gibson, they told me because they couldn’t see his skull.”

Skeletor soon found out he would have to find work in another field or he’d be homeless.  After taking classes for anger management, he got a government job as a driving instructor for the state of Nevada.  While he wouldn’t tell us where or how he lived, he did leave me with this quote.  “I’m alone.  Can you believe that?  I’m famous!  I’m Skeletor!  I thought that would be enough to find me a girl to settle down with, but I was wrong.  What girl wants to be with a guy who has no skin on his face?”

3.  Shredder

Shredder was insanely famous in the early 90’s.  Known as the guy with the metal stuff and claws who hated turtles, he became an icon for future villains to follow.  I had heard rumors that after he fell from fame he moved to the west coast and joined a nudist colony.  I got lucky when a source of mine told me he was actually staying in a two bedroom apartment with Bebop in Montana.  I scored an exclusive interview with the guy.  Here is an excerpt from that interview.

ME: So Mr. Shredder, what ever happened to your iconic costume?

SHREDDER:  I ended up selling it on eBay for 50 bucks so I could buy a week’s worth of cheese pizzas.  I never liked that helmet anyway.  The network made me wear it to make me seem “more scary”.

ME:  Whatever happened to Krang?

SHREDDER:  I lost touch with him years ago.  Last I heard he was in Dimension X running for governor.

ME:  What about the Ninja Turtles?  Do you even like turtle soup?

SHREDDER:  (breaks down and sobs) I HATE TURTLE SOUP!!!  (pauses and we give him some time to get a grip of himself) I really hated those turtles.  Everything I tried to do they ruined!  Behind the scenes Leonardo used his pull to make sure I got second billing and was made to look stupid.  But what do I know?  I should have been as ruthless as him.  I mean, look at me?  I’m living here with Bebop ’cause I can’t afford a place on my own and Leonardo is the President of Nickelodeon.

4.  Jubilee

Jubilee was yet another teen who rose to fame and became hated for it.  She was in the very first episode of “X-Men” along with more famous actors like Logan and Scott Summers.  While the other X-Men rose to new heights of fame, Jubilee became hated by fans for ruining story lines.  She joined the X-Men as a teenager and was fired from the X-Men as a teenager for being lame.

Jubilee may have been the hardest person to track down.  She doesn’t do interviews nor does she talk to anyone about her past.  She now works as the day shift manager at a local Burger King.

5.  Fred Flintstone

Fred Flintstone enjoyed years and years of popularity.  He was America’s hero.  Kids looked up to him and adult males wanted to be him.  Then the bottom fell out…

Five years after the last episode of The Flintstones aired, authorities were called to the home of Fred and Wilma Flintstone.  Fred Flintstone was then arrested for domestic violence.  He claimed it was her fault that he hit her since all he wanted to do was go bowling without her nagging.  Wilma got her divorce and married John Candy soon after that (she had a type).

Mr. Flintstone now runs a bar and strip club in Iowa.  While he wished to not be interviewed, he did tell me that he’s “happy” now and is making decent money at his club and enjoys his free time hanging out with his stripper girlfriend Bubbles.

6. Donald Duck

Donald Duck was a beloved television star, second only to Bugs Bunny and Mickey Mouse.  After everyone thought his career was over, he reinvented himself and got himself some guest appearances on the hit show “Ducktales.”  Then the bottom fail out.

It started after an ugly incident in Beverly Hills, California when Donald Duck was arrested for indecent exposure outside of a night club.  You would think this would have been a wake up call to the famous fowl, but no.  He was then discharged from the Navy for failing and refusing to comply with the Navy’s strict dress code.  When he was asked why, he simply said “Donald don’t do pants.”

A year passed when Social Services was called to the home of Mr. Duck.  They took his three nephews from his custody when it was discovered that he was still not wearing pants.  “It just felt wrong to wear pants.” Was all he could say.

A source told me that Donald Duck is living in a one bedroom apartment and has a temp job as a telemarketer.  He picked this job so he could do the job from his home and not have to wear pants.

UPDATE:: Donald Duck was fired from his telemarketer job after the company he worked for kept getting complaints about not being able to understand him.  Mr. Duck is currently unemployed and hopes that Obama’s new health care bill will help him.

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Currently my allergies are smacking me around. I cannot breathe out of my nostrils. So here is a list of things I would do if it would get me my ability to breathe out of my nose.

*I would kill a family of tiger cubs in front of their tiger cub cousins.

*I would murder a goat in front of it’s own mother.

*I would strangle kittens with my bare hands in front of a group of orphaned children.

*I would beat a small hamster until it’s lifeless body withered in agony.

*I would let Ric Flair chop me and then let his sweat drop onto my face.

*I would smother a gopher and then throw it’s stiff dead body at it’s father.

My point is I would really like to breathe out of my nose. Is that so much to ask? I think not.

For some reason I feel the need to compare myself or the things I do to other people. It’s almost like this competitive streak I have inside me. Like Kobe Bryant (minus the rape charge and cocky attitude). I want something I do to be great. I want someone to read my writings on Johnnyism and just think that it’s the greatest and funniest thing they have ever read. Yet I will go and read someone else’s blog that writes humorous entries, and I will be set back by how funny it is, thus making my blog seem less so.

My best friend also has a blog. I knew that he was an incredibly talented writer. However, his last two posts were posts of poetry. Not only that, but they were amazing. So deep and meaningful. So many layers involved with them. This in turn made me go and read back over my other blog site where I too dabble in poetry. Sadly though, reading over my stuff after reading his was discouraging. I felt that it was just crap. It was like he was Star Wars Episodes IV, V, and VI while I was the episode of Star Wars with Jar Jar Binks in it. I am the Jar Jar Binks of poetry. I actually convinced myself that I could not hope to write anything resembling “good”. I told myself I wouldn’t really post anymore on that other site (author note: I haven’t actually) because it’s just going to blow.

I just can’t help but to compare myself to others. The problem is, I’m surrounded by insanely talented people. I am involved in a writer’s group that is about to start, and I am having serious second thoughts about it. Everyone in the group is immensely more talented than I. Joyce is an accomplished and professional writer. Heck, she’s even won awards for her historical novels. While she has been supportive of me and my aspirations of becoming a writer, I just can’t help but feel like I don’t have a chance to even come close to enjoying her type of success (a success that will only grow). She always makes sure to tell me that I do have something, but that it’s really hard to make it (she never actually told me what that something was, so I’m assuming it’s not talent). Another person in the group is Amy. I have read some of her stuff she writes and doesn’t post. I am still affected by how great she can be. I could never hope to write something that affects someone on that level. Then there is Sonya. Her blog is the stuff of blog legend. She was even contacted by Oprah. While I believe Oprah to be just as evil as Wal-Mart, it’s still saying a lot. I’d never be on Oprah because of my writing. I’d be more likely to be on Maury, trying to figure out if I’m the baby’s daddy or not. And of course Trevor will be there. My partner in crime. His talent is almost as big as his self doubt. And it’s only almost because he has a lot of self doubt.

See what I mean? I have nothing to bring to this meeting. Nothing in the form in poetry. Nothing in the form of something humorous. Nothing. I feel as defeated as the sport of hockey (just give it up NHL, you’ll never be popular). I constantly compare myself to other people. I have been told I could be a stand up comedian. While I don’t believe this because I have the memory of a senior citizen aged elephant with Alzheimer’s, I still feel the need to find out if I’m the funniest person someone knows. Sometimes I am. Sometimes I am not. I was really depressed when I found out in high school that I wasn’t going to be named class clown my senior year. The only thing that kept me from drinking a gallon of pepto bismol was that someone came up to me and told me I was huggable (thanks Josh).

I actually enjoy singing. Some say I can sing. Some say I should stick to making jokes about pregnant women and people of other races. Point is, of those people who think I can sing, I feel the need to constantly ask if they think I can. I know it gets annoying. Kind of like a kid that keeps asking you if they can open presents over and over again, so much so that you just want to punt them in the spine. When they do answer me and say “yes, you actually have a very nice singing voice.” I feel the urge to ask who I sound like. What singer from what band and so on and so forth. Which really is something we all do. When someone brings up a new band and asks if you have heard of them, one of the first questions you ask is what do they sound like. What other bands do they sound similar?

I know I am not the only one who constantly compares himself to those around him or to other people. This can be a great thing. It’s good to have things you like and to be influenced by them. Radiohead has influenced countless amazing bands. Steve Martin and Bill Cosby and Chris Rock have influenced countless stand up comedians. It’s only a bad thing when you let it kill your confidence. My confidence could have been at ground zero, pronounced dead at the scene if you will, if it weren’t for my small amount of over confidence in myself. So you know what? It’s ok to compare yourself to others. Hopefully it will inspire me, make me want to do something even more greater then I am. And hey, if that doesn’t work, I can always just stay here, entertaining you all with my poop jokes.

In an effort to let my readers feel more connected to me, I told everyone at the start of this blog that I would be more personal. Recently, someone asked me a question that I had never been asked before. They asked me “why do funny guys want to stop being funny?”. I like to think of myself as “having a sense of humor” so I feel like an expert in this area. So let me count you the ways.

1. Women.

Yes, women. The opposite sex often dictates how we carry ourselves and/or the changes we make. We want to impress them or to make them notice us. So what do you do if you aren’t hot? Aren’t at least sort of ok looking? You grow your personality. One aspect of personality is having a sense of humor. I was in the sixth grade when I realized I had a gift. I was sitting in class when the teacher asked a question. Without thinking I raised my hand and said something sarcastic and slightly cynical. That’s when a star was born.

I didn’t have much luck with the ladies in school (I have even less luck now). I was relieved to find out I had a sense of humor. I was blessed with my shrekness (or my non jewish jonah hill look likeness) in middle school. It was because of this I knew I had to use what I thought was my best attribute: my humor. And it did work somewhat. I wouldn’t say I was overly popular (I am still bothered by not being elected class clown) but enough people found me humorous enough that I’d say I was middle ground popular.

But how does this relate to women? Well you see, women have always been this unobtainable thing for me. Kind of like my Noah’s ark or my Holy Grail. I have had the pleasure of some girls finding me somewhat ok enough to hang out with. They really enjoyed my humor. But guess what? That’s all I was wanted for. My humor was a blessing and a curse. The blessing was that I found something that I felt I was good at and made me feel somewhat ok about myself. The curse was that because of my humor and personality, I would forever be put into the friend only category. That dreaded zone full of nerdy glasses wearing men and butchish short haired women. My combination of hilarity and being actually nice works against me.

So why do funny guys sometimes stop being as funny? Reason number one is because it almost always automatically puts us into a category of which there is no escape.

 

2. The need to sometimes be taken seriously.

This is the other major reason why guys don’t want to always be known as the funny guy. Everyone wants to be taken seriously on some things. I use my humor a lot of the times to make points or observations (if you’re a loyal reader of this blog then you know this already). I had noticed that while people did enjoy my company, most did not even care to know what I thought about things. Most people just assumed I didn’t have an opinion on things that were on a deeper level. While I understand making jokes can give off that stigma, I like to think that if you have the ability you can make jokes that are deep and multi-layered.

My brand of humor can turn off some people. I get that. I accept that. Not everyone thinks the same way I do, and for that we should all be grateful. But just because I make jokes doesn’t mean that I do not have opinions. Actually, a select few people know that I can be quite deep in my thoughts. I do admit that I do purposely keep some aspects of that away from people, it is also the already made up minds of others who only see the surface of what I have to offer, and they don’t really feel like there is anything else there. I myself do the same thing with other people. But this blog post is to try to help you to understand why sometimes funny guys just don’t feel like being funny.

3. I’m going to end this third reason with a quote. Before I do, let me point out that I do enjoy making people laugh. Even though I have never done hard drugs (surprising I know), to me there is nothing that gives you a bigger high then when you are just rolling out jokes and people are responding with laughter. But, my humor is only a small aspect of me. Sometimes it overpowers everything else I am. I get that. I’m overly humorous. My wit is quick and sharp like a cheetah holding katana swords. If you ever wonder why a guy just stops being funny, there’s a good chance he hasn’t really stopped. He just feels like he’s being pigeon holed into a category. Besides, we know amazing humor gets you all the ladies…oh wait….

The award winning documentary Animal House said it best and I will end this post with this quote.

“fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life.”

Today is mother’s day. It was said today that perhaps every day should be mother’s day. I am glad that is not true. It’s very hard for a guy to get his mom a gift. I mean really, anything you get is not going to equal up to the fact that she pushed you forth from her body years ago. So, in a slight effort to have a mother’s day post and to show my sweet, caring, momma’s boy side, I will tell you how my mom is the coolest. Enjoy…

1. She cooks very well.

Anyone who knows me or has seen what I look like can probably guess this. Her cooking is legendary with me. In fact, she has mother’s day cards from back in elementary school where the main thing I would say was that she was a great cook. I did not inherit those skills, for if there is no microwave then I would surely starve to death or die from eating uncooked food.

2. She makes the best Kool-Aid and sweet tea

I know it sounds weird to say someone makes really good Kool-aid, but I used to drink that stuff all the time. I know it’s just adding that sugar to water, but she does it in such a way that it works well. I have tried to make kool-aid and the results have been horrendous. If someone had me a gun point, and told me that the only way they would not shoot me would be if I made kool aid that was drinkable, then the end of that story would be that the police found my body the next day with a pitcher of red colored water next to my lifeless face.

And her tea….wow. She makes sun tea, and while my tea is much better then my kool-aid, her tea is still the rocks. I have had some great tea, but hers will always be the best.

 

3. She hasn’t kicked me out

I’m 25 and at the moment still live with my parents. My mom loves this since she likes talking to me. Will I move out eventually? Yes. Even though I am assured that my chance of finding a woman is remotely small, I do know that if I have my own place that the percentage of that chance goes up by 00.1%. Also, I am committed to ending my life if I am still living at home when I’m 30 (hold me to that Trevor). Still, my mom has told me over and over again that there is no hurry. I believe she says this because she loves me. Also because she believes that I will be destroyed in the real world.

 

4. She sings all the time.

Actually not as much now a days. It’s kind of sad. Some of my fondest memories are hearing her sing her heart out to her Reba McEntire songs. And here’s the kicker, she’s actually quite good, although she doesn’t believe that. It is true though, it’s darn true. I’d like to say that’s where I get my singing talent from, but that would be an insult to her and to the word talent.

 

5. She’s fun to pick on

My mom is not great at making jokes. She does, however, have a sense of humor. This makes her great to pick on. Please note, that if I pick on someone, it’s a compliment for that means that you don’t annoy me. Actually, that depends on how hardcore I’m picking on you.

 

6. She’s insanely caring.

I know a lot of people who have an incredible heart. I am honored that most of my friends have one of those (which is good, since they make up for mine). My mom may indeed be the most kind hearted person I know. Rarely does she say an unkind word. Very rarely has she ever raised her voice. Even more rarely has she ever cursed. She’s one of those people that other people come to so they can talk to them.

 

7. She would do anything for me

If there was a way she thought she could help me, she would do it. The fact that she loves me so much is the main reason why I refuse to take money from her now and why I get angry when my sister comes over with grabby hands (another blog for another time).

 

8. She installed good morals

The reason why I have good morals (depending upon your definition of good morals) is because of how she and dad brought me up. Now, granted, it’s the reason why I’m so nice and hilarious that I’m always put into the position of best friend instead of boyfriend, but I digress. Also, my mom is not racist. Cool huh?

Those are just some of the reasons why my mom is awesome. I’m sure you all have great moms too, but they’re not my moms now are they? In closing, enjoy this picture of my mom.

 

Ok this is a pic of Reba McEntire. My mom doesn’t like to have her picture taken.