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Recently I decided to write a few letters to some major companies.  Below are the actual letters that I actually did send via their websites. 

Dear Nestle,

I, for one, do enjoy you’re water that comes in a bottled form.  I like to sit on my front porch on a hot summer evening, just drinking Nestle Bottled Water and eating buckets of drumsticks.  However, lately I have noticed that the neck of your bottles have become increasingly smaller.  I now find it difficult to drink the water, and every time i try to my clothes become soaked with h2o.  I know it is due to the water bottle no longer having a neck.  Well, either that or because I don’t have any hands or fingers.  I still like your water Nestle, and will continue to drink your water, but I will hope for a longer neck in the future. 

Thank you for your time.  Please give my regards to your coffee.

P.s. I was kidding about the hands and fingers thing.  I mean, how else am i typing this email?  Come on!  THINK NESTLE!

Dear Hershey,
I really enjoy your products.  Your chocality goodness has really helped me with my soul crushing fights with depression.  I once ate one of your candy bars and for that forty-five minutes it took me to eat it (i eat slowly to avoid injury) I was happy.  Thank you for all that you have done for me in my life.  I wish I could cry tears of chocolate and send that to you, but alas, I can only cry tears of whatever liquid is in my body.  I could still send that to you, but that wouldn’t taste as good as chocolate tears and would also be creepy.  So thank you, Hershey.  Thank you.

Dear Healthy Choice,

I really enjoy your products.  Your sweet and sour chicken is especially delicious.  However, I have a problem with the color of your boxes that contain the food.  When I am walking to my car in the morning heading to work and holding my Healthy Choice meal that I’m going to enjoy that day for lunch, I trip and fall in the grass, dropping my Healthy Choice meal.  Now keep in mind that this does not happen every day, but I then spend hours hunting in the green grass for a green box.  To date, I have currently lost over 145 Healthy Choice meals, as well as had two swollen ankle injuries and now have 75% less pride.  I will continue to enjoy your products, but I hope to one day see a different box so that I may find them when I drop them in the grass. 

I really enjoy your product.  Thank you for making it. 

P.S. none of this has actually every happened to me, but I’m sure it could possibly.  I’m an idea man.

Dear Dole,
I really enjoy your bananas.  I eat them constantly.  I like to spend my mornings eating a bowl of Dole banana cereal.  However, it has become a growing concern with me how your bananas are shaped.  They could cause injuries.  What if a child tied two of your bananas together and used them as a nunchuk?  This is a growing problem in my town.  My town has become over run by gangs of children with Dole banana nunchucks.  I cannot go out at night until after 10, which is their bedtime.  I have been beaten a few times, and in fact have become more bruised than the nunchuk banana that was used to beat me.  I hope that you take this into account when making your bananas.  Perhaps you could make them in a circle shape and Nerf like?

Dear Panda Express,
I find your Panda Express Bear very scary and your food very good, which confuses me greatly.  I have went through months of counseling to help me with my problem, but alas, I am still confused.  I mean, how can i be scared of the Panda Express Bear yet love the food he provides?  I just thought you should know how dedicated I am to your food that I would try to conquer my fear.

Thank you Panda Express for your food, and perhaps you could make your panda bear have a smile?  or wear a funny hat?

Dear Hanes,
Your products have been providing me with comfort for years and I think you for that.  However, I am beyond saddened and hurt that Hanes has yet to make an edible boxer brief.  I cannot count you the times I have been stranded in my car in the middle of no where and starving with nothing to eat, thinking to myself if only i could eat my Hanes Boxer Briefs that I am currently wearing.  I know earlier when I said i couldn’t count you the times, I lied.  Since it has happened 52 times.  So please consider making this product in the future, you may just save a life.

Dear General Mills,
I enjoy your products greatly.  I must tell you how your product has helped me.  You see General Mills, your Cheerios have saved my life.  There I was, just minding my own business, when I tripped and fell while walking on a field.  They rushed me to the hospital, as i was unconscious and my blood pressure was up to 345 over 7.  They declared me clinically dead.  Then, one of the doctors quickly leaped into action, stuffing Cheerios down my face and making me crunch them.  My eyes opened just then, and I would have smiled and hugged my loved ones if I didn’t live alone with my 56 cats.  But thanks to your product I am now breathing this day.

P.S.  I can’t back this story up with any sort of “facts.” 

I will let you all know if I get any sort of response.

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