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Aries: You will be chosen as the new voice for the AFLAC duck. You will then become king of all the ducks with your power of speech. You will reign supreme over all the ducks, and you will also enjoy the luxury of no longer having to wear pants.
Leo: You will finally have 2000 friends on Facebook. You will celebrate this achievement by yourself in your cheap one room apartment.
Sagittarius: Your wish of becoming a movie star comes true. You will be second billed in the fifth Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants film. This, of course, will end your career as a movie star just as it began.
Taurus: Your love of Kool-Aid will be your downfall during the great Kool-Aid shortage of 2011. Luckily this will lead you to find out the awesomeness of Hawaiian Punch. However, your second downfall will come during the great Hawaiian Punch shortage of 2012.
Virgo: Love is in the air. Not only will you find the love of your life, but you will also be able to spend the rest of your life with them once they pass the law saying it’s ok to marry a goat.
Capricorn: You will eat an oatmeal cookie. And it will be mediocre.
Gemini: You will become the only one who thinks Avatar was slightly overrated. James Cameron will be slightly annoyed that he didn’t get more than 20 bucks out of you.
Libra: You will become outraged that George Lucas has released the Star Wars movies once again, and this time in 3D. You will curse this and cry out in outrage. Then you will get in line each time to see them all once again.
Aquarius: You will realize how embarrassing it is to not know how to swim and to be afraid of dying in some water. You will then drown while taking swimming classes while Alanis Morissette’s “Isn’t It Ironic” plays over the loud speaker.
Cancer: You will realize that no matter what anyone says, you will be a superhero. You will then be turned into a mental hospital after running around public with your underwear on the outside of your clothes.
Scorpio: Darkwing Duck will come to you and ask you to help him. It seems he has forgotten how to be the hero he is. You will teach him, and he will…get….dangerous. You will also come to know how lazy the author of this horoscope is when you realize this is the second sign with some sort of famous duck in it.
Pisces: Donald Duck will be cured of his speech impediment. He will claim it was you who helped him. Told you the author of this horoscope is lazy.
This is an uncertain time. America has just elected a new president. Some people are worried about what the future will hold. Fear not, for I have just discovered that I have the ability to tell what exactly will happen 5-10 years from now. I must share this gift.
*Barack Obama will win a second term, only to have everyone get angry at him and scream for change. This will lead to a republican president, only to have the cycle repeat itself.
*Britney Spears will make yet another comeback, this time doing a duet album with Michael Jackson where she will dress sexy, but he will ignore her whenever her young son is around.
*McDonalds will bring back the McRib fourteen more times.
*Lindsay Lohan will turn straight, only to turn gay again once people start to not pay her any attention.
*Jessica Simpson will attempt rap music, thus making her officially failing at every genre of music.
*The NFL will eventually quit playing real live football games, and will instead have a representative of each team play each other in a game of Madden.
*George Lucas will re-re-release yet another special edition of Star Wars, this one including the infamous lost footage of Jabba the Hutt making out with Jar Jar Binks.
*Atheists will lose when the announcer’s next command is “those who believe in something please step forward.”
*High School Musical 7 will be released, ushering forth three more years kids breaking into song in public schools all across the nation.
*Saw XIX will also be released, proving that you can run out of ways to kill people.
And now I shall reveal to you the horoscopes for the next 10 years.
ARIES: You will go through your life believing there is still some good in humanity, only to have that belief come crashing down upon you after all your friends give you Nickelback cd’s for Christmas.
TAURUS: You will go to the movies expecting to see the next Batman movie. Soon you realize that you went into the wrong theater and must sit through the sequel to Mama Mia. You will have a piece of good luck, however, remembering to bring your shot gun when you left your house. You then end your own suffering as well as the suffering of all those poor souls around you.
GEMINI: You will full fill your destiny of disappointing your parents when you bring a Muslim home with you.
CANCER: You will finally be able to give up drugs when you discover that sniffing Kool-Aid powder gives you much more of a high.
LEO: You will shoot Santa Claus late one Christmas Eve after you mistake him for a burglar. You then become the most hated person in the entire world. Your shins will never recover from all the kicking the kids of the world will give you.
VIRGO: You will win 100 dollars. This is significant because it will be the last time you have any money.
LIBRA: All those hours of doing nothing but playing video games will come in handy when you save the world when a combination of aliens, Nazis, and four floating different colored ghosts attack. You will also grab the bouncing banana, giving you 10,000 bonus points.
SCORPIO: Your journey as a vegetarian will end after you discover that animals taste really, really good.
SAGITTARIUS: You will become the most unimportant person in the world. I’d tell you why, but you really don‘t matter.
CAPRICORN: Your life will come to an abrupt end after you and some friends decide to check out the old abandoned house at the end of the road. You will become the first to die, surprising the whole group considering you aren’t African American nor the comedic relief.
AQUARIUS: You will become famous and well liked for the things you write. Your humor and wit and charisma will be known in all points of the earth. Then you will wake up from that dream and be welcomed back to your reality of Chef Boyardee and empty pizza boxes.
PISCES: You will find the cure to what makes Michael Jackson the way he is. Your life will then be set as you are asked to do the same with the Catholic Church.
There you have it. All these things are in our future. I have foreseen it!