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This week in the news…

 

1. GAS SHORTAGE!!

There was a gas shortage here in my home state of North Carolina. How do we, the smart and intelligent people of North Carolina handle such a crises? Why we panic and fill up our tanks at every chance we get! Seriously people… You do realize that when you have ¾ a tank you don’t need to top it off. That’s why the shortage became a crises. People are stupid. The news says there is a shortage. We better go get some even though we don’t really need it. That way we keep those who actually probably do need it from getting some. The same way Mormons get a bunch of wives even though some of us really need a girl friend, or at least a girl to pretend she’s interested in him. Selfish Mormons.

 

2. There was a story on abortion, but I stopped listening before the story was finished.

 

3. McCain suspends debate due to economy crises!

In theory this is a good move. The economy is in a crises. A crises caused by people who were really greedy and had power. So McCain decides he will suspend his campaign to work on it. Well that was then. Now he’s going to debate Obama tonight. Why? Cause the media will blast you for whatever decision you make. Just like I’ll blast the media no matter what they do. It’s fun. And I wasn’t even invited to this debate!!! Outrage!!!

SPECIAL IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT!!!

Good evening. I’m Johnny Townsend. A candidate for the office of President of the United States. I am officially suspending my campaign while the country is in a terrible economic crisis until there is a resolution. Also because I only have a quarter of a tank of gas in my car. Thank you.

 

4. An Atheist Soldier claims he was discriminated against.

The soldier claims he was forced to attend events in which prayers were said. I got an exclusive interview with the soldier. Here is an excerpt from that interview.

ME: Thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule of hating all that is good to talk to me.

SOLDIER: um…you’re welcome…

ME: Now, your identity is being withheld to protect you. But may I remind you that God knows who you are.

SOLDIER: (blankly stares)

 

 

That was just a small glimpse of the interview. To see the full interview, click HERE. Notice how nothing happened when you did? That’s because I didn’t actually interview him and made that part up. Thanks for playing along you’ve been great.

*Stephen Colbert recently interviewed a woman who was involved with some sort of atheist movement. I couldn’t get the video to load up right in this post, so I’ll post the link.  WARNING:  it’s definately PG-13 at least rated.  It has some slightly crude language and sexual references. 

http://www.colbertnation.com/the-colbert-report-videos/180127/august-29-2008/better-know-a-lobby—atheism

 

5. Storm attacks North Carolina

A storm from the Atlantic ocean attacked the state, causing many residents to rush out and grab all the milk and bread that they possibly could. The winds gusted up to 40 miles per hour, causing many hats to become lost.

SIDE NOTE: why do we go for bread and milk when a weather event threatens to happen? A hurricane is coming. Let’s grab milk and bread. A snow storm is coming. Let’s grab milk and bread. I guess I can kind of see the bread. I mean you can always make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. But the milk? If the power goes out then the milk isn’t going to do you much good.

 

6. America gold card commercial

I just saw a commercial in which a guy who is trying to catch a flight hands a woman a credit card. He was discriminated against only because his card had a picture of kittens on it. That is not the America I’m proud of. If I have a credit card and it had kittens on it you better treat me like you treat everyone else!

Just because I have this picture on my credit card doesn’t mean I’m any less of a person.

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In another effort to impress you, I will now list for you the celebrities who support all three of us candidates.

Barack Obama:

Oprah Winfrey- the talk show host who somehow became popular even though she’s completely full of herself. Do not adjust your television set, her head is indeed that large.

Robert DeNiro- he’s supporting Obama AND make the 195th movie in which he plays a cop.

Usher- yea THE Usher. I’d tell you a good song that he’s done but I can’t think of any.

 

Chris Rock- yes, I too remember him back from when he was relevant.

Brandon Routh- let’s see….he was in that last Superman movie…what else..what else…..

 

John McCain:

David Zucker: After he made spoof movies, he decided to let the genre die, something I will never forgive him for.

Dean Cain- He played superman in that one show. You know the one where they made the story of Superman into a soap opera.

Lou Ferrigno- he played the Hulk in some television show from long ago. And no, I don’t know why he matters either.

Victoria Jackson- while reading about her in the Saturday night live books has made me dislike her less, the sound of her voice still destroys my insides.

Kevin Sorbo- I will sadly admit to watching Hercules and Xena. Please keep in mind I was much younger and hadn’t developed the ability to know what was good and what wasn’t.

Jerry Bruckheimer- if McCain wins he’s planning to blow up something like it’s never been blown up before which will hopefully cover up the terrible dialogue.

 

Johnny Townsend

Katrina Townsend- she is the number one rated export on Mr. Townsend, thus knows what she’s talking about. Also, she cooks well.

Sonya Schweighardt-her and her family fully endorse this candidate.

Joyce Moyer Hostetter- an award winning author. Not only does she endorse Johnny Townsend, she doesn’t realize she’s doing so.

Amy Lizzy – she completely agrees with Johnny and all his views and is one of his most trusted advisors.

Tom Hanks- he once told Johnny that he absolutely loves his stuff. Best dream ever.

Steven Spielburg- he endorses everything I will ever say now or in the past or in the future. He does this even though he has never met me or knows me. I have seen many of his movies so that counts for something right? Right???

 

So there you have it. It’s obvious from this list that Johnny Townsend is the best candidate to vote for.
This message was approved by the Vote for Johnny Townsend ‘08 campaign.

My fellow americans, I am here today to accept the independent/non important party’s ticket to run for president of the United States.

(wait for applause to die down)

I come from a family that worked hard. A family that showed love and compassion. My father was a cow pie detector, who worked day and night to provide for his family! He also cooked the food without washing his hands! We grew stronger during these hard times.

I vow to you all that I will do everything in my power to improve the conditions of this great nation! I will pave roads that are dirt. I will dirt roads that are paved!

The economy is in real danger. I promise to fix that right away. I will make it so that all loans will be approved! No credit? BAM! No problem. Bad credit? BAM! That’s ok come right on in sir you got yourself a loan! This will single handedly fix our broken economy. By approving every loan, there will be more houses. Everyone will have a house during my presidency. No loan will go unapproved! The economy has never been hurt by doing this act. And please don’t fact check what I say.

I will do in Iraq what the united states people want to be done! I will have every citizen vote for what they wish to do. And if that result is much too close, I shall have every citizen place their name in a hat and I will draw from that hat. The person who’s name I draw will then have the pleasure of telling me what to do with the Iraq war situation! This way I will be listening to the people and protecting myself from any sort of criticism when the results start to show!

I will help those who need help! The poor need help! I will lower taxes on not only the poor, but those who are so poor the other poor feel sorry for them and spit in their mouths to give them something to drink!

And what about the Eskimos? These people are criminally overlooked! They live in houses made out of giant ice cubes for crying out loud! We here don’t realize the dangers the sun can cause! We go out and get a tan while their shelter melts! My opponents ignore this growing issue. I shall not do the same!

What about Stan Johnston? A man who worked at a local automotive plant that was shut down. Who now has no way to provide for his family. Who now must work on the streets at night, selling his body just so his 5 year old son can have a McDonald’s happy meal.

What about Shannon Smith? A 18 year old single mom who wants to go to school but can’t because it cost so much and she has a child. Someone who can’t get anyone to watch her kid for her cause it cries to much and only lets people watch Blues Clues.

What about Lebron James? Who is forced to play professional basketball so his family will not starve to death. Who must throw down vicious dunks of fury to provide his family with a swimming pool. Who must sign endorsement deals with Sprite just so he can give his son his own pinball table. A man who has to sign multi million dollar deals just so he can buy his mom a house.

And what about Johnny Townsend? A man who sits at home, every night, alone…who’s only contribution to the world is a blog that’s worth about two pennies and that has no social worth what so ever…a man who women haven‘t found attractive in decades…a man who…hey wait a minute…

(pause to realize he was talking about himself)

I worry about the state of all these people. And many more. I have met many different people from many different walks of life. They each have their own stories to tell.

I am honored to have been selected for this. My opponents are taking everything for granted. John Mccain is old and growing more senile with every piece of hard candy he puts into his senior citizen lips. Barack Obama is too young and too inexperienced, I heard he isn’t even completely potty trained.

 

My fellow citizens, now is a time to come together. A time to heal and a time to feel. And with me driving this ship WE…WILL….GET….THERE!!!

Thank you. Good bye and God bless.

In an effort to make your news gathering easier, I have put this weeks most important stories in this post along with a short description of what it’s about, followed by a photo of said event. You’re welcome.

 

1. Georgia vs Russia

Russia decided this week that it was going to be a real party pooper on the Olympics. Russia invaded the country of Georgia this week (when pressed for comment, Paris Hilton stated “we must save Atlanta”). Russia claims to be doing this just for the fun of it. Georgia signed a cease fire agreement, which a Russian sniper promptly shot. When Georgia claims that Russia was going against it’s word when it said it would stop hostilities, Russia rebukes that it had it’s fingers crossed.

 

These Russian soldiers politely invite the Georgian motorists to play a game of chicken.

 

After being blown out of her house, this Georgian woman reaches for a pair of pants.

 

This Georgian woman grabs her child and sobs uncontrollably as the only Wal-Mart in Georgia crumbles down behind her.

 

2. Poland Allows the USA to Put Up Missile Shield

Poland and the United States are now bff’s. Poland will allow the United States to build part of their global missile Shield there. Russia seemed to not agree with this for some reason. Which prompted many, many jokes about how many Polacks does it take to build a Missile Shield.

 

After reaching the agreement, these two men quickly went to the back for more “intense” discussions. 

 

3. The Olympics In China

While Russia is enjoying itself by destroying peace, the Chinese were doing everything in their power to prove that they at least had the self control to not kill thousands of people while the world was watching. Currently the United States was leading in medals, while the Chinese under the age of 12 were winning all the golds. Michael Phelps has quickly become the stuff of legend, bringing many to ask if he’s the only person actually involved in the Olympics.

 

After losing to the United States Men’s basketball team, all the Chinese basketball players were executed (except for Yao Ming). 

 

A member of the Chinese Olympic Gymnastic Team.

 

All these medals were made with pride by the 5 year old chinese children who were forced to make them.

 

 

4. Bigfoot Found!

Two people claim to have the body of a dead Bigfoot in their freezer. The results of DNA testing revealed that it could either be a Bigfoot or just a really big opossum. Many people have claimed to have witnessed these big hairy mythical creatures. While most of these sightings just prove to be really tall Mexicans, others are unexplainable.

 

Charlton Heston resting in peace.

 

 

5. Chupacabra Caught On Tape!!

A Texas sheriff deputy filmed an odd looking creature that was running in front of his car. While mostly looking like a dog through most of the video, at one point the creature turns it’s head revealing an odd face with a longer than usual snout. Experts claim the video could either be of a fox/wolf combo animal or Barbara Streisand.

 

 

6. Jackson Browne Sues John McCain

Jackson Browne files a suit against McCain for using his song “Running on Empty” in his campaign. Browne states that by using his song it implies that he endorses John McCain. Jackson Browne has been well known as a lifelong liberal and being a supporter of social and economic justice. He is lesser known for his music.

 

That’s not a misprint.  That really does say the very best of Jackson Browne

This is just a quick little note.  Everything in the media is apparently pro-Obama.  Now, while before I hadn’t completely made up my mind as to who i was going to waste my vote on, I have since done so.  I will be voting for you McCain.  Is it because I think he has a sense of humor and I identify with that?  Sort of.  But mainly it’s because I am so friggin sick and tired of reading nothing but amazing things that Obama did. 

The guy did not go to Iraq UNTIL it was brought up he hadn’t been.  Do you think he would of went if no one had thought to push that issue to the front?  No.  And do you think he did it to better understand the war issue or because he knew the press would eat it up like a starving Cuban who had been out in the ocean for months seeing his first real American buffet restaurant?  You decide.

It’s like when they overplay a song on the radio.  You like it at first but dang if it doesn’t get old till you just can’t stand the sound of it anymore.  That’s the reason why the band Creed died.  Barack Obama is the political version of Creed.  There, I said it. 

Guess what?  I don’t even hate Obama.  If he gets elected I’m not going to move out of the country or anything (mainly due to me being lazy, which really just makes me more American).  The media believes that Obama craps out stools of 15 karat gold.  If you even try to criticize anything Obama says then apparently you’re a terrible person.  They look at you like you have just kicked a small orphaned child. 

 

No Mr. Obama, I do not hate you.  Actually I think you’d be cool to shoot some hoops with.  But the media has turned me against you.  Why can’t a news channel actually just report the news without any sort of opinion or political slant to it?  Is it impossible to give unbiased reports?  I wouldn’t mind it if they were upfront about it.  I fully admit that this site is my ramblings of stupidity.  So why not admit that you’re politically slanted media?  Hmmmm….

 

NOTE:  This could change if the media suddenly decides to back John Mccain.

The contest has begun!!! Today, Trevor and I decided that we would begin the contest of the ages! We shall see who can last a week without making one negative remark toward ourselves or each other. I was on the verge of beating myself with the handle of a shotgun but I reframed since I had decided to have a contest that involved being positive.

Today was easy since it was day 1. The real test will be Wednesday and the weekend when we are around each other. Who do you think will win? Place your bets!

Stay tuned to Johnnyism for updates!

Also on a side note, Paris Hilton’s mom was outraged at the McCain group for using her daughter’s likeness in a political ad. I will now point out that she did not say a thing when her daughter’s likeness was used in a best selling sex video. Or when her daughter was just being a complete stuck up ignorant bag of hoe-ness.

The Olympics are also coming soon.  This year they are in the great country of China (the Chinese government politely asked me to say that at gunpoint).  To get you prepared for this fantastic event, I will tell you a little something about China in the upcoming posts, starting with this one. 

Below you will see a pie chart that shows the leading exports of China.

The uproar this week was over this political ad. In the ad it appeared as if John McCain had compared Barack Obama to Britney Spears and Paris Hilton. And since humor is not something the democrats (and most republicans) can claim to understand, I shall explain to them what this ad means.

You see, by comparing Barack Obama to these two ladies, it is implied that he is in fact a young white woman. If you’ve seen Barack Obama then you know this to be in fact possibly maybe not that true.

I can neither confirm nor deny that Barack Obama Is indeed a young white woman.

John McCain’s camp claim that this ad was in response to a comment that Barack Obama had made at a recent rally. He said, and I’m paraphrasing here, that he didn’t look like all the other presidents. Was this bringing race into play? No. I’ll tell you what he meant. By saying that he didn’t look like all the other presidents, Barack Obama was implying that he was not an old white man who may or may not wear a wig.

I can neither confirm nor deny if Barack Obama is actually an old white man who may or may not wear a wig.

 

*vote for this random act of stupidity at humor-blogs.com*

How can one be happy when things are looking dim financially? Here are some simple things that will do just that.

1. Make a lot of money somehow.

2. Make more money after doing that.

3. Once money is made, then make even more money.

4. Find something you are good at. Then use that to make money.

 

 

Six People who deserve to be kicked in the face

1. Mariah Carey: if only to shut her up.

2. Nicholas Cage: His lack of facial expressions alone deserve this.

3. Paris Hilton: even though she has fallen off the radar a bit, she still deserves it for pretending she had talent.

4. Toby Keith: Do I even need to explain this one?

5. Rolling Stone Magazine political writers: I don’t really know their names even though I get the magazine. The reason being I don’t care. Please give me you’re review of the next Bright Eyes album, but forgive me if I wish to not read about how much you’d enjoy licking the ground that Barack Obama walked on and on how old and terrible John McCain is. And why do I not care? Because it’s only a matter of time before the Rolling Stone magazine thinks it’s bigger then what it is and can think it’s something more than an entertainment magazine. Oh wait…

6. PETA members: Do they not realize how great chickens taste?

 

 

 

Things that show the author of the blog was running out of ideas

1. You can sense the boredom in his words.

2. He makes a blog post with stupid lists.

3. He mentions that he makes a blog with stupid lists twice in a list.

 

 

While I do recognize that this blog post was completely stupid, I also will point out that without your vote I will become nothing more than a guy who cradles himself and wishes he just had someone to spoon with.  Okay so I’m already that, but still the point is vote for this post over at http://humor-blogs.com/.

Not only will be you saying that you love me, but you’ll also be saying that even when I post a blog that is complete crap that you will support it.  And that, my friends, is true loyalty. 

In this post, we will examine sound bites from the media when they were covering both Presidential candidates over the past few days.

 

OVERHEARD SOUND BITES FROM THE MEDIA WHILE REPORTING ON BARACK OBAMA…
 
 

 

 

 

“OH MY GOD!!! HE JUST WALKED ON WATER!!!!!

“Did you see that? No way. The camera just caught a… yep. I just checked it. There’s this slight halo around his head.”

“HOLY COW IN A U2 VIDEO!!! DID YOU JUST SEE WHAT I SAW?? OBAMA JUST TOOK DOWN ALL COMMUNISM WITH A 5 MINUTE SPEECH!!!”

“I just got lost in his eyes…”

“I want to have his children.”

“MAN ALIVE!! HOLY SPOON RUNNING AWAY WITH A SHOVEL!!! HE JUST FOUGHT OFF 156 NINJAS BY HIMSELF USING JUST A SOFT SHELLED TACO WITH SOUR CREAM!!! HE IS THE REASON I’M LIVING!!!”

 *The quotes in all caps have more meaning if you yell them while reading*

 

OVERHEARD SOUND BITES FROM THE MEDIA WHILE REPORTING ON JOHN MCCAIN…
 
 

 

 

“So Senator McCain, we’ve heard your statement on…Senator McCain?  Great.. he fell asleep again.”

 

 

If you enjoyed this post, then please do the entire free world a favor and go and vote for it on http://humor-blogs.com/, or by clicking on the link for the humor-blog site which is listed in my blogroll.  By doing so, not only do you save a nation, but you save me from another night of crying myself to sleep while sobbing about how alone I am.

Has the upcoming election confused you? Don’t really know who to vote for? Do you feel yourself wondering what each candidate stands for? Have no fear my faithful reader, for I will tell you a little something about each candidate. This is where to come if you are an undecided voter.

 

1.

 

NAME: Barack Obama

NICKNAME: Barackie Boy, Mr. Suit and Tie, Sweet Cheeks

AGE: 47

POLITICAL PARTY: Democrat

MARITAL STATUS: Married. To a woman even.

 

LIKES:

long walks on the beach, romantic candle lit dinners, scooters, the word “subliminal”, all three Shrek movies, Bruce Springsteen, the part in The Wizard of Oz that is in color, freeze tag, a cold refreshing Sprite, slowly letting America know he’s inexperienced.

DISLIKES:

old people, books, Quantum Leap, blondes, women, blonde women, anyone with the last name Clinton, blonde women with the last name Clinton.

IF ELECTED PRESIDENT, HE WILL:

-Bring American troops back home. We’ll need them for when we invade the next country on the list (I’m looking at you, Iran)

-make health care affordable for those who could afford it.

-increase the minimum wage, thus raising the amount of money it takes to be considered poor.

-invade anywhere with global warming, since it is the real terrorist threat.

-make it so that every television station will run at least one commercial per half hour that shows how great Barack Obama is.

 

 

NUMBER OF FLIP FLOPS PER MONTH: 42

SPECIAL ABILITIES:

heat vision, super speed, flight, the ability to adapt and to say whatever pleases the group he just happens to be standing in front of, a really sweet looking cape.

 

2.

 

NAME: John McCain

NICKNAME: Cranky, Slow Poke, That One Guy From The Movie “Grumpy Old Men”

 

AGE: 72 (Mr. McCain wishes to inform the public that age is just a number)

 

POLITICAL PARTY: Republican

 

MARITAL STATUS: Has been married twice, once to his wife now, and once more back when he was involved in a love triangle with Queen Elizabeth and Sir Walter Raleigh.

 

LIKES:

Matlock, Werther’s Originals, hard candy, social security, Medicare, pain medication, music before guitars were invented, driving 25 mph below the speed limit, Roy Rogers, Hardee’s breakfast, senior citizen discounts, waking up at 5:30 A.M.

DISLIKES:

Young people on his lawn, change, noise, music with drums, Vietnam, anyone with their original teeth, chewy food, 9:00 P.M, people not remembering the good ole’ days.

IF ELECTED PRESIDENT, HE WILL:

-Defeat Terrorism. With his bare hands that he can’t raise above his head.

-Get rid of Rated R movies.

-Declare that everyone must own an “I Love My Grandpa” shirt.

-lower health costs on prostate exams.

-make 72 years old the new 40.

 

NUMBER OF FLIP FLOPS PER MONTH: 63

SPECIAL ABILITIES:

yelling at young people, super strength, hip with the ability to break, supporting our troops while pointing out how no one else is, can take his teeth in and out of his own mouth.

 

 

 

3.

 

NAME: Johnny Townsend

NICKNAME: Shrekness, Bud, That Weird Guy Who Keeps Staring at Me

AGE: 25

POLITICAL PARTY: He represents all of America

MARITAL STATUS: Single, oh so very single…

LIKES:

America, chicken, girls who say they like him but only as a friend, basketball, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Jesse Jackson and his witty sayings, saving kittens stuck in trees, saving babies stuck in trees, being a people person, pretending to be President and learning how to handle being blamed for everything, Ford Mustangs, fast cars, fast women, slow women, smart women, dumb women, women with little or no standards, desperate women…(EDITORS NOTE: this goes on like this for another five or six lines, so I will fast forward it)….and blue women like on Star Trek

DISLIKES:

anyone who hates America, guns (unless you like guns then he does too), criminals, Nicholas Cage movies, Nickelback songs, Jesse Jackson and his witty sayings, Chinese checkers, he hates everything that you hate, unless you like that thing he hates, which in that case he likes it too…or hates it….wait did you say you liked it or hated it cause he totally agrees with you.

IF HE IS ELECTED PRESIDENT, HE WILL:

-end world hunger

-make bad movies the new source of fuel, thus ending our gasoline crises by replacing it with a never ending source.

-he will end the pain women feel during child birth

-he will follow you to school and beat up those bullies who have been bothering you

-he swears to stop hurricanes in their tracks

-promises to rid the world of any movie that includes the words “Traveling Pants.”

-will replace the wheel with the triangle

-promises to acknowledge that he has no experience, but more than makes up for that with intelligence.

-promises to admit that he’s no intelligent.

 

NUMBER OF FLIP FLOPS PER MONTH: he claims to only wear tennis shoes that are made by 8 year old Korean children just like every other American.

SPECIAL ABILITIES:

is a lot like Batman, minus the cool gadgets and skills and athletic ability, can leap tall pebbles in a single bound, his superb jumping ability allows him to complete many lay ups, thus allowing him to dominate any WNBA game.

 

 

 

There you have it. You’re three presidential candidates. Hopefully this little cheat sheet will help you in your decision.

On another note, I have been allowed to join the website http://humor-blogs.com/. This website lets you see a wide collection of humorous blogs. It also allows you to rank them. I am not above asking you to vote for me, since I could really use anything that could be construed as a small victory. So please go to that site (the link is on the side in my Blogroll). With your help, I can go from being ranked 796th overall to 782nd.

 

I thought I would end this helpful blog with a picture of the third candidate, Johnny Townsend, in action at a recent rally in Hickory, North Carolina.