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Some people are depressed. And it’s easy to see why. The economy isn’t coming off as very stable as of late. An election over the horizon has some people confused as to which direction this country is heading. Some people are losing their homes. The world is just brutal and uncompromising. But fear not my friends. I have the solution.

For merely $55 a month, you can become a member of the Johnny Townsend Positive People Club (JTPPC). A place were people of all creeds can come together and be positive all the time in the face of the negative world. I know you people need a get away. Where you can just be surrounded by a ring of joy.  Join the JTPPC. It will be the best thing you ever did. Here are a few people who joined the JTPPC and what they had to say!

“I was thinking about joining the circus where I could be around those who look like me. But now thanks to JTPPC, I trick myself into thinking that society accepts me!” –Sam Jones


“Without the JTPPC I would still be watching old Brittney Spears videos in my underwear covered in my own filth.” –Jim Smith


“I would sit around on my butt playing Guitar Hero all day like a loser with no friends. Now, thanks to JTPPC, I sit around on my butt playing Guitar Hero with other people.”

–Heath Gibson


“Women used to never give me a chance. They would suck my self confidence out of me with every rejection they unleashed upon me. Then I joined JTPPC. And now I only feel half the urge to put a shotgun up to my chin as I did before. A new level of positive thinking has allowed me to just keep breathing one last day.” –Jake Daniels


“There is this tree in my front yard. I used to look up into it, thinking how magical it would be to be a limp body hanging from one of it’s branches. I would just look up into that tree, thinking about that sweet release. Then, on a whim, I joined the JTPPC. Now I don’t think about ending my life at any time!” –Tim O’Toole


“This club is so amazing! I cannot get over how great it makes you feel! Without it, I dunno where I would be.  Johnny has created a club that will help so many people. And all I had to do was to keep giving him money and not ask questions! Brilliant!” –A tool


“I don’t know where I am…” –a senile senior


You too could have this level of happiness. Just for a small percentage of your annual income, you will defeat those inner demons that the world has surrounded you with. Now what exactly does this club do? Oh to find that out you have to join. I am so positive that your life will be changed that if it’s not then I will personally guarantee that I will pretend to know what you’re going through and string you along even more.

So what are you waiting for? Join the JTPPC today!!!!!

Let me start off by saying that my comedic genius knows no bounds. I sent in three jokes to the Candy and Potter show on 107.9 the Link (radio station) for a game they play where you fill in the jokes. All three of mine were read on the air. That’s right. The radio is now recognizing that I am comedy gold. To top it off, I received a call from the station today telling me that I had won the prize. What is it? Heck if I know. Probably some stickers or something. That is not the point. The point is that comedy is my mistress (which is good since no actual woman wants to do anything with me at all that remotely resembles a date). I took comedy to the prom and danced with it. I married comedy and now comedy is pregnant with little half comedy half Johnny babies.

So in this spirit of good joy, I decided that I would focus on the things I am good at instead of the things I am not. Please, hold your applause.

1. Comedy. This is a given. Heck I won a prize. Why am I this funny? Was it cause I was so awkward growing up? Was it so people would like me and not pick on me? Was it to make up for my rugged horrendous appearance? Yes to all.

2. Writing. Writing is a passion of mine. While I’m writing I get into this trance of seduction. I hope that writing will take me on a date and then take me home and walk me to my front door and go in for the sweet goodnight kiss. Am I the best writer ever? No. Am I even remotely talented? No. am I getting tired of asking and answering my own questions? No.

3. Hmmm. I really should of thought this out more. I figured I could think of more than two things…. And really some people don’t find me that humorous. Or that great of a writer. Or a human being.

*the author realizes that this blog post may come off as a plea for pity. The author wishes to inform you that this is indeed the case. The author knows that he would not even be in this sad state of his life if it weren’t for sweet justified pity. The author wants to take this moment to thank pity, for without pity the author recognizes that he never would of even have had the girlfriends he has had, no matter how small that number might be.*

Well there you have it I guess. I figured I would leave you with another actual picture of myself so you can see the passion I have when it comes to comedy. You will be able to see this passion. You will be able to witness that passion in my veins! This is the face of passion!