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Today’s Headlines….

In the Lebron James decision, ESPN broadcasted an hour-long special in which Lebron James made the country wait for almost 40 minutes to tell us what team he would play for.  In related news, I will announce what friend I’m going to hang out with this weekend in a special hour-long program to air on ABC. 

Lady Gaga plays John Lennon’s famous white piano, causing many Beatles fans to cry foul.  The more suprising part of this is the fact that Lady Gaga can play piano.

BP has finished placing a brand new seal over the oil leak.  If this doesn’t work, the next step will be throwing pieces of beef jerky down the pipe in hopes that Jennifer Love Hewitt will follow it.

Sarah Palin’s people skills have been growing stronger and stronger.  However, her get in the kitchen and make a sandwich skills have been sadly declining.

Scott Stapp, lead singer from the once popular band Creed, welcomed a new son.  No word on if he welcomed his child “with arms wide open.”

Mel Gibson was caught saying a death threat to his girl friend.  In Gibson’s defense, he thought his girl friend was Jewish.

In this new segment, I review movies without having seen them.  Today’s movie review is The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (I also haven’t seen any of the movies in this series). 

PLOT: A girl (named Bella apparently) is easily attracted to non-human beings.  After her relationship with a goat ends, she turns her attention to an emo vampire.  She desperately wants to become a vampire.  The emo vampire says no, as he prefers to listen to Fall Out Boy while watching episodes of Boy Meets World instead.  Bella is devastated by the news, so she decides to go out with a guy who can turn into a terrible looking CG dog.  Bella cannot decide which one she likes more.  The emo vampire guy is romantic and the guy who can turn into a terrible looking CG dog is allergic to wearing shirts.  The vampire and the CG dog get into a heated argument over Bella, thus leading to an epic showdown battle at the end.  Both sides lose however when it is discovered that Bella has already begun a relationship with Frankenstein.

ACTING:  Kristen Stewart does a fine job as Bella, and by fine I mean on the MTV reality television show acting fine.  Robert Pattinson does his best to convince you he’s not into men, and Taylor Lautner has the most difficult acting job of all by constantly walking around without a shirt on.

FINAL THOUGHT:  I would rather watch the newer Star Wars movies than any of the Twilight Series.  Now, I know I am not the target audience for this kind of movie, but I guess I always hope teen girls and women would have better taste in movies.  Watch the show Supernatural instead, it’s much, much better than this (even tho I haven’t seen these movies, I still feel I can make that guarantee). 

WHO SHOULD SEE THIS MOVIE:  Teen girls who think Ke$ha is talented and older women who are upset that they’re getting older.

RATING:  Fifty “How Do These Movies Make This Much Money’s”

It’s America’s Birthday today.  The day that America was officially founded.  In this episode of my blog, I will celebrate America with some facts about it’s founding.  You’re welcome.

-George Washington’s teeth were false as the legend holds.  But they were actually made out of skulls of small kittens.

-America was discovered in 1974, when Tobey Maguire first landed here accidently when he was on his way to find a new passage to India.

-Benjamin Franklin not only invented many things, he also was an alcoholic.  And he did drugs.  He also was the father of many illegitimate children. 

-Fireworks were named after Lloyd B. Fireworks, who invented the colorful explosive while also blowing off his own left hand.

-George Washington liked to smack the buttocks of his soldiers during battle after they made a “good shot.”

-Benjamin Franklin invented Microsoft.

-John Adams, who would go on to become the second president, was against Thomas Jefferson writing any important document, stating that “John Hancock had much prettier handwriting and was easier to read.”

-The American Flag was actually created and sewn by a badger.

-America gained it’s independence from Brittain, defeating every one of their ninjas.

-George Washington only ever told one lie.  After chopping down a cherry tree, he told his father that he hadn’t done it, and then proceeded to blame it on George W. Bush.

-During many of the meetings of the Founding Fathers, Benjamin Franklin was often yelled at for “constant and excessive texting.”

Those are just some of the facts about the founding of America.  See what happens when you pay attention to history class?  Enjoy your holiday and be safe.  Over and out!

It’s summer time and you know what that means. The summer movie blockbusters! Iron Man 2 has already came out with guns blazing. But there are many other big films coming out for the summer. Below are my reviews for them. Now I am aware that I haven’t seen them, and in most of the cases, the films aren’t even out yet. But actually seeing something for myself has never stopped me from forming an opinion on things, and I’ll be darned if it stops me now!


The women are horrified to realize they are getting older. They try to escape death by running through the desert in high heels. Two of the women end up with a sexually transmitted disease and Sarah Jessica Parker discovers that her face is actually an old boot.



Movies based on popular comic strips are always a good idea. Isn’t that right Garfield? A family is dysfunctional and needs something to fill in that void in their lives. That’s where Marmaduke comes in. The wacky dog comes in and turns their lives upside down! And by turns their lives upside down, I mean Marmaduke murders the parents and makes the children go outside to use the bathroom.


3. Killers

Ashton Kutcher discovers that Britney Spears has surpassed him in followers on Twitter. He tries to kill her but Britney Spears defeats him by throwing a baby at him. P.S. follow me on Twitter. Follow Johnnyism. I am aware this is a shameless plug, and I’m ok with that.


4. The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

The epic battle between the vampires and the badly CG’d dogs takes place! The vampires will try their darndest to attack the badly CG’d dogs with their mesmerizing good looks and the badly CG’d dogs will rip their throats out, thus bringing these series of movies to an end, thus saving all mankind from a fourth movie.


5. Step Up 3D

This will be the hit of the summer. There is no way that this movie fails. It takes one of those Step Up dance movies and puts it in three dimensions! Incredible! If this movie does not end up being better than the Dark Knight, then I will beat a German squirrel with my bare hands.

Oregon has been inhabited for well over ten years.  Not only does it have beautiful forests, but it also has beautiful forest fires.  Also, Noah’s Arc might be there.  I’m lying of course to try to make Oregon sound less boring.


Oregon got it’s name from the popular computer game “Oregon Trail.”  The game became so popular that it was voted as the name of the newly founded state.  This is true.  Please don’t fact check.  Fact checking will do nothing but derail my hopes and dreams.


It’s constantly raining in Oregon.  Actually I’m assuming this.  And assuming has never gotten anyone in trouble.


Oregon is hit with severe storms, floods, earthquakes, and extreme amounts of boredom.


1.  Oregon Vortex — It’s considered America’s premier “mystery spot.”  This means that since 1930, the Oregon Vortex has been tricking people out of their money for years.  The optical illusions weren’t originally done on purpose however.  It was just built by really terrible carpenters.

2. Henry the Bear — You can visit Henry, a real live bear.  You can also feed it cookies, hamburger meat, your left hand or a small child.


–Some say that humans have lived in Oregon as far back as 15,000 years ago.  They didn’t stay long once they realized they were in Oregon and there was nothing to do there.

–After Oregon was admitted as a state in 1859, many people decided to adventure out to the new frontier for a fresh start.  Many didn’t make it.  Most drowned while trying to fjord rivers.  Even more died from dysentery.  These are jokes about the video game that I played as a child in first grade.  It was there that I learned disappointment, failure, and what you can’t do with floppy discs.


Oregon’s population has topped out at 101 people and 300 billion trees.  90 percent live in Portland, while the other 10 percent wonder how they ended up there.


Caucasians – 88%

African Americans – 5%

Hippies – 45%

African American Hippies – Dwayne.  Although most suspect he’s just pretending to be a hippie for the pot.


Portland.  In this amazing city, you will find a lot to enjoy if you like to do things.  (Editor Note:  the author fell asleep while trying to come up with why Portland was exciting)


99% can read.
1% is an infant.


Most Oregon residents spend their time climbing trees and trying to convince other people that Oregon isn’t a part of Canada.


*Bill Gates, Microsoft, and Starbucks are in Washington.  And that’s near Oregon.

*You can break all the mirrors you want to in Oregon since it’s already considered to be bad luck to be living there in the first place.

*Oregon had to ban the act of whistling while being under water when it was discovered that people were drowning while trying to do so.


Matt Groening, the creator of the Simpson.  He is known for not only creating the longest running prime time tv series in history, but also for not knowing when to quit something when it stopped being good.

Dallas McKennon.  Not only was he the voice of Tony the Tiger, but also, Heeeeeeeee’s dead.

This marks the third or fourth time I referenced The Oregon Trail.  I am planning on writing a movie based on this game, in which I go to the west for a new start just to end up dying when I get bitten by a badger.

The city of Portland has been stalking California since 1992, constantly jumping behind these bushes when California would turn around.

This is what Oregon looks like.  I know, I’m scared too.

Donatello stared at Johnny. “Who do you think you are? That’s my piece of chicken pot pie!” Johnny’s eyes turned angry. “You stupid green turtle, it’s mine!” The two stared down each other, and as they did, the whole world stopped

Donatello leaps first, grabbing Johnny by his neck, choking him with all his might. “I will end you!” Donatello screamed.

Donatello then begins his assault. He had an advantage Johnny did not have, for he was taught martial arts by a rat in the sewers of New York City. Donatello lands a swift and brutal kick to the face of Johnny.

What I am about to tell you I could not believe was real.  “This has to be a joke.”  I told myself.  On the satellite radio i was listening to today I heard something that had to be fake.  But alas, there is video and an article on the whole thing.  It seems Representative Hank Johnson (Representative of the 4th District in Georgia)is quite concerned about the island of Guam. 

Guam is apparently suffering from an overpopulation problem and according to Rep. Hank Johnson there is concerned that if Guam’s trend of overpopulation continues, then there is a chance that the island will tip over and capsize.  I’ll let you re-read that last sentence….

Done?  Ok good.  Now I’m aware that this sounds like something I’d make up to make myself laugh.  But sadly this is completely true.  This guy was VOTED IN!!  The guy who thinks islands can tip over was VOTED IN!!!!!  Numerous questions arise from this.  One, who lost to this guy in the election?  And two, Why, Georgia, why? 

Here is a list of things I compiled for Rep. Hank Johnson so that he will know some basic facts and can hopefully not appear as stupid. 

1.  The island cannot tip over or capsize.  It can, however, disappear and go back in time.  Also, Locke is dead and there is a smoke monster running around. 

2.  In order to counter the over population problem, it is now legal in Guam to have abortions by the dozen.

3.  An island is surrounded on three sides by water, and on the fourth side by Rosie O’Donnell.

4.  Rep. Hank Johnson gets all his geographic information from his pet ninja hamster named Steve.  Steve also predicts the weather and gives Rep. Hank Johnson his daily horoscope.

Just so you all know I’m not making this up, below is the video from YouTube.   The actual comment comes in at about the 1:19 mark.

P.S. Islands don’t float.

my sources were The Opie and Anthony Show on Sirius XM Satellite Radio (Rated R radio show so don’t look it up if you don’t like cursing) and this article

Hello my loyal fan base.  Ever wonder what really happened to some of your favorite child hood heroes?  Wonder no more!  I have done extensive research into this very question.  I even scored an exclusive interview with someone who used to be a major villain back in the day.

1. Wimpy

Most of you will remember Wimpy for his appearances on Popeye.  Wimpy was a beloved character who’s catchphrase about paying back people for a cheeseburger won him a place in the heart of millions.  Unfortunately for him, Popeye himself suffered from malnutrition (all he ever ate was spinach) and was unable to keep the show going.  Wimpy would fade from the lime light.

After Popeye, Wimpy made a decent living from being a spokesman for cheeseburgers.  He had to quit the job after his knees were broken for not paying back his debts.  “He just kept saying he’d pay them Tuesday.  I told him he should pay for those cheeseburgers, but Wimpy just ignored me and finished his Big Mac I bought him.” said a family friend I interviewed over the phone.  “After his knees were broken he became a sad man and his weight ballooned up to 545 pounds.”

Today Wimpy can be found in the Nature’s Peaceful Valley Nursing Home.  Wimpy lost his toes to diabetes seven years ago.  I wasn’t able to interview Wimpy himself because when I got there he was asleep with cheeseburger crumbs all over his shirt and slobber down his face.

2. Skeletor

Skeletor rose to fame by being a ruthless villain who was known for his madness and brutality.  The skeletor now is a different man.  “After the show I fell on hard times.” Skeletor told me in an exclusive interview.  “I finally went to the doctor and found out I have this rare skin condition in which I don’t have any skin on my face.”  Skeletor tried to find another acting job and soon found out he was typecast.  He tried for many parts in movies but lost them to what he calls “people with skin on their skulls.”  The last straw was when he lost the part of the main role in Braveheart.  “They told me they liked my audition but they decided to go in another direction.  When I asked them why they gave the part to Mel Gibson, they told me because they couldn’t see his skull.”

Skeletor soon found out he would have to find work in another field or he’d be homeless.  After taking classes for anger management, he got a government job as a driving instructor for the state of Nevada.  While he wouldn’t tell us where or how he lived, he did leave me with this quote.  “I’m alone.  Can you believe that?  I’m famous!  I’m Skeletor!  I thought that would be enough to find me a girl to settle down with, but I was wrong.  What girl wants to be with a guy who has no skin on his face?”

3.  Shredder

Shredder was insanely famous in the early 90’s.  Known as the guy with the metal stuff and claws who hated turtles, he became an icon for future villains to follow.  I had heard rumors that after he fell from fame he moved to the west coast and joined a nudist colony.  I got lucky when a source of mine told me he was actually staying in a two bedroom apartment with Bebop in Montana.  I scored an exclusive interview with the guy.  Here is an excerpt from that interview.

ME: So Mr. Shredder, what ever happened to your iconic costume?

SHREDDER:  I ended up selling it on eBay for 50 bucks so I could buy a week’s worth of cheese pizzas.  I never liked that helmet anyway.  The network made me wear it to make me seem “more scary”.

ME:  Whatever happened to Krang?

SHREDDER:  I lost touch with him years ago.  Last I heard he was in Dimension X running for governor.

ME:  What about the Ninja Turtles?  Do you even like turtle soup?

SHREDDER:  (breaks down and sobs) I HATE TURTLE SOUP!!!  (pauses and we give him some time to get a grip of himself) I really hated those turtles.  Everything I tried to do they ruined!  Behind the scenes Leonardo used his pull to make sure I got second billing and was made to look stupid.  But what do I know?  I should have been as ruthless as him.  I mean, look at me?  I’m living here with Bebop ’cause I can’t afford a place on my own and Leonardo is the President of Nickelodeon.

4.  Jubilee

Jubilee was yet another teen who rose to fame and became hated for it.  She was in the very first episode of “X-Men” along with more famous actors like Logan and Scott Summers.  While the other X-Men rose to new heights of fame, Jubilee became hated by fans for ruining story lines.  She joined the X-Men as a teenager and was fired from the X-Men as a teenager for being lame.

Jubilee may have been the hardest person to track down.  She doesn’t do interviews nor does she talk to anyone about her past.  She now works as the day shift manager at a local Burger King.

5.  Fred Flintstone

Fred Flintstone enjoyed years and years of popularity.  He was America’s hero.  Kids looked up to him and adult males wanted to be him.  Then the bottom fell out…

Five years after the last episode of The Flintstones aired, authorities were called to the home of Fred and Wilma Flintstone.  Fred Flintstone was then arrested for domestic violence.  He claimed it was her fault that he hit her since all he wanted to do was go bowling without her nagging.  Wilma got her divorce and married John Candy soon after that (she had a type).

Mr. Flintstone now runs a bar and strip club in Iowa.  While he wished to not be interviewed, he did tell me that he’s “happy” now and is making decent money at his club and enjoys his free time hanging out with his stripper girlfriend Bubbles.

6. Donald Duck

Donald Duck was a beloved television star, second only to Bugs Bunny and Mickey Mouse.  After everyone thought his career was over, he reinvented himself and got himself some guest appearances on the hit show “Ducktales.”  Then the bottom fail out.

It started after an ugly incident in Beverly Hills, California when Donald Duck was arrested for indecent exposure outside of a night club.  You would think this would have been a wake up call to the famous fowl, but no.  He was then discharged from the Navy for failing and refusing to comply with the Navy’s strict dress code.  When he was asked why, he simply said “Donald don’t do pants.”

A year passed when Social Services was called to the home of Mr. Duck.  They took his three nephews from his custody when it was discovered that he was still not wearing pants.  “It just felt wrong to wear pants.” Was all he could say.

A source told me that Donald Duck is living in a one bedroom apartment and has a temp job as a telemarketer.  He picked this job so he could do the job from his home and not have to wear pants.

UPDATE:: Donald Duck was fired from his telemarketer job after the company he worked for kept getting complaints about not being able to understand him.  Mr. Duck is currently unemployed and hopes that Obama’s new health care bill will help him.

Recently it has become apparent to me that I must help save the human race.  There is a threat out there that will destroy us all.  I propose that we get to them before they get to us.  And they will get to us.  “What’s the threat?” you ask?  Kittens.  You heard me right.  Kittens.  And if we don’t brutally murder each and every last one of them then the human race will cease to exist and all hope will be lost. 

Now I’m aware that murdering kittens may not come across as “right” or “what humans do.”  But you see if we do not take out this menace then we will suffer the consequences.  I know you are asking yourself right now just what proof I have.  Fear not, dear reader, for I will expose myself for this cause and save the world under the threat of ridicule (EDITORS NOTE: Exposing himself is what also got the author banned from the states of Mississippi, Iowa, Oregon, and certain parts of Canada).  What I am about to say will shock you.  Kittens have been behind every major disaster in the history of mankind.  And I have proof. 

1. Hurricane Katrina

New Orleans is flooded when Hurricane Katrina struck.  New Orleans is built under sea level.  Who told people to build a city below sea level?  Kittens did.  And what are the first three letters of Katrina?  Kat.  Kat is how an infant spells cat when they are sounding it out.  A cat is an adult kitten.  Can this just be a coincidence?  I think not.

2. The Hindenburg Disaster

On May 6, 1937 The Hindenburg caught fire.  What did the Hindenburg do?  It flew.  What also flies?  Birds do.  Who hates birds?  Kittens.  Kittens became outraged when man decided it was going to fly like a bird instead of lick themselves like a kitten and set out to get revenge.  Kittens knew where to light a match on the Hindenburg and did so.  Still think kittens aren’t behind it all?

3.  JFK Assassination

When JFK was assassinated it was a major blow to America.  Many believe that Lee Harvey Oswald alone was responsible for the act.  This simply is not true.  Kittens are responsible.  How do I know?  President John F. Kennedy went by JFK.  JFK is three letters long.  Now take those three letters and multiply it by two.  You now have six letters.  What else has six letters?  Kitten!  It was right in front of our faces the whole time!

4.  John Lennon Killed

John Lennon was murdered by Mark David Chapman.  Or so it would seem.  The word “mark” is like “marking” a spot.  Kittens mark where they go pee.  Mark David Chapman is made up of 16 letters.  This obviously means that John Lennon was murdered by 16 kittens in a trench coat who pretended to want an autograph.  You can’t make this stuff up!  Don’t let the kittens get away with this!

5.  Nazi’s rise to power in Germany

Nazi has the letter “z” in it.  “Z” is only 15 letters away from the letter “k.”  “Kitten” starts with “k”.  It gets more odd from here folks.  The swastika, the symbol for the Nazi’s, has four “legs”  What else has four legs?  KITTENS!  Also, if you look closely at ANY photo of Adolf Hitler, you can clearly see that his mustache is actually just a kitten hanging from his nose and held on by duct tape.

You see folks?  It is the time for action.  I have reason to believe that not only will kittens rise up and surprise attack us, but that they are in cahoots with killer whales as well.  Let’s obliterate every kitten we see and make killer whales into “killed” whales.

This photo was taken at a kitten terrorist training facility. 

(editors note: This was all complete stupidity and is not in any way something that’s real.  The fact that I have to put up that this blog site is purely myself spitting out the stupidity I think of that makes me laugh and is in no shape or form something I think is actually real or fact proves that there are people out there who are stupid)

Some Truths I Can’t Possibly Back Up With Facts or Actual Evidence
1.  Nicholas Cage is made up of fourteen failed former child actors who get revenge on the world by putting out bad movie after bad movie.

2.  Abraham Lincoln was shot, but he actually survived the attack.  What killed him was his wife constantly nagging him.  Am I right fellas?  Fellas??

3.  Everytime you touch yourself a homeless person gets food and water.

4.  In Antarctica it is illegal for penguins to cheat on their SAT’s.

5.  Sometimes I say intelligent things.

6.  Napoleon wasn’t that short.  He was alive during the “Big World Period” in which most humans grew to abnormally tall sizes. 

7.  If you cut off someone’s hands then they can’t play piano.

8.  Unlike the famous classic commercial, Native Americans are unable to cry.  The commercial was done with strings and special effects.

9.  Not only are aliens from another planet here among us, but they’re also Jewish.

10. Johnny Townsend was the first man to set foot on the soundstage where they faked the moon landing.

11.  Jessica Simpson averages approx. 4.3 boyfriends a week.

12.  Chicken tastes like polar bear.

13.  Johnny has made up 1.5 bajillion facts.

14.  A monkey is able to fling its own poo for 170 yards.  It can also give you AIDS. 

15.  If you ever see a bull in a china shop, then that bull probably has a good job and makes decent money.