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Why am I still single? Someone asked me when Smurfs volume 2 comes out on dvd and I knew the answer.

Why am I still single? The highlight of my week was Guitar Hero World Tour.

Why am I still single? My mom buys my cereal.

Why am I still single? The Simpsons season 11 came out and I didn’t get it, thus depressing me and proving my foolishness considering I have the first 10.

Why am I still single? I complain about the music played on the radio instead of just accepting it, which would give me something to talk to women about. You know, so I can use the opening line “hey have you heard that new Nickelback song?”

Why am I still single? Instead of moving into an apartment and away from home, I bought a new car instead.

Why am I still single? I thought having a new car would improve my odds.

Why am I still single? I’d rather sit around making jokes with Trevor than go to a club and have women there rub themselves on me. And let’s face it. Most women at clubs have decided that they’re down on their last chance and are desperate. At the risk of stereotyping, most women at clubs will sleep with you if you tell them your name and that you have a job.

Why am I still single? I was proud to be a momma’s boy. That is until it was pointed out to me that being a momma’s boy isn’t exactly appealing.

Why am I still single? Women have standards.

Why am I still single? I’m a guy who writes a blog.

Why am I still single? I got a new cell phone and told everyone, hoping that would prove to them that I’m heading in a positive direction in my life.

Why am I still single? I once blew off some women friends so I could get home in time to catch a new episode of Law and Order: Criminal Intent.

Why am I still single? I make people watch things I find funny, even though I know they don’t share the same sense of humor as me.

Why am I still single? My mom warms my car up in the mornings before I go to work.

Why am I still single? I can’t make drinkable Kool-Aid.

Why am I still single? I never finish things. Case in point: three months ago I decided to decorate my room with movie posters since I love movies. Total movie poster count as of right now: 2

Why am I still single? I can quote lines from Airplane!, Dumb and Dumber, Monty Python and the Search for the Holy Grail, and most shows that appear on Cartoon Networks’ Adult Swim.

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Today is mother’s day. It was said today that perhaps every day should be mother’s day. I am glad that is not true. It’s very hard for a guy to get his mom a gift. I mean really, anything you get is not going to equal up to the fact that she pushed you forth from her body years ago. So, in a slight effort to have a mother’s day post and to show my sweet, caring, momma’s boy side, I will tell you how my mom is the coolest. Enjoy…

1. She cooks very well.

Anyone who knows me or has seen what I look like can probably guess this. Her cooking is legendary with me. In fact, she has mother’s day cards from back in elementary school where the main thing I would say was that she was a great cook. I did not inherit those skills, for if there is no microwave then I would surely starve to death or die from eating uncooked food.

2. She makes the best Kool-Aid and sweet tea

I know it sounds weird to say someone makes really good Kool-aid, but I used to drink that stuff all the time. I know it’s just adding that sugar to water, but she does it in such a way that it works well. I have tried to make kool-aid and the results have been horrendous. If someone had me a gun point, and told me that the only way they would not shoot me would be if I made kool aid that was drinkable, then the end of that story would be that the police found my body the next day with a pitcher of red colored water next to my lifeless face.

And her tea….wow. She makes sun tea, and while my tea is much better then my kool-aid, her tea is still the rocks. I have had some great tea, but hers will always be the best.

 

3. She hasn’t kicked me out

I’m 25 and at the moment still live with my parents. My mom loves this since she likes talking to me. Will I move out eventually? Yes. Even though I am assured that my chance of finding a woman is remotely small, I do know that if I have my own place that the percentage of that chance goes up by 00.1%. Also, I am committed to ending my life if I am still living at home when I’m 30 (hold me to that Trevor). Still, my mom has told me over and over again that there is no hurry. I believe she says this because she loves me. Also because she believes that I will be destroyed in the real world.

 

4. She sings all the time.

Actually not as much now a days. It’s kind of sad. Some of my fondest memories are hearing her sing her heart out to her Reba McEntire songs. And here’s the kicker, she’s actually quite good, although she doesn’t believe that. It is true though, it’s darn true. I’d like to say that’s where I get my singing talent from, but that would be an insult to her and to the word talent.

 

5. She’s fun to pick on

My mom is not great at making jokes. She does, however, have a sense of humor. This makes her great to pick on. Please note, that if I pick on someone, it’s a compliment for that means that you don’t annoy me. Actually, that depends on how hardcore I’m picking on you.

 

6. She’s insanely caring.

I know a lot of people who have an incredible heart. I am honored that most of my friends have one of those (which is good, since they make up for mine). My mom may indeed be the most kind hearted person I know. Rarely does she say an unkind word. Very rarely has she ever raised her voice. Even more rarely has she ever cursed. She’s one of those people that other people come to so they can talk to them.

 

7. She would do anything for me

If there was a way she thought she could help me, she would do it. The fact that she loves me so much is the main reason why I refuse to take money from her now and why I get angry when my sister comes over with grabby hands (another blog for another time).

 

8. She installed good morals

The reason why I have good morals (depending upon your definition of good morals) is because of how she and dad brought me up. Now, granted, it’s the reason why I’m so nice and hilarious that I’m always put into the position of best friend instead of boyfriend, but I digress. Also, my mom is not racist. Cool huh?

Those are just some of the reasons why my mom is awesome. I’m sure you all have great moms too, but they’re not my moms now are they? In closing, enjoy this picture of my mom.

 

Ok this is a pic of Reba McEntire. My mom doesn’t like to have her picture taken.