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In today’s installment of what I know, everything I know about dolphins.

1.  Not only can dolphins swim, they can also do a mean Bill Cosby impression.

2.  Dolphins like to put “Slippery When Wet” stickers on other dolphins backs when they’re not looking.

3.  In 1992, a gang of dolphins robbed and beat an old woman nearly to death.  The case was thrown out, however, when for the crime the judge could not find a porpoise.

4.  Just like most humans, dolphins do not find Kathy Griffin funny.

5.  While being one of the most famous dolphins, Flipper was also an alcoholic.

6.  A sit com starring two dolphins and a baby titled “Two and a Half Fins” was cancelled when the producers discovered there was another sit com with a similar title.

7.  Most dolphins can get into any college of their choosing.

8.  Dolphins still kick themselves for not being there to save Leonardo DiCaprio when the Titanic sank.

These dolphins are actually planning the eventual invasion of the humans.  They got this from a Simpsons episode and thought it seemed like a pretty good idea.




Oh California. A state full of movie stars and earthquakes. Where Lindsay Lohen can have people pay her to take pictures of her. If you look to the sky at night you can see the mysterious night sky ablaze in the monthly forest fires.




No one actually knows where the name California came from. Some say it came from a lonely Mexican named El Californus. Others say they don’t have time to care since they’re busy writing the new script for the Gilligan’s Island movie update.




California is known for it’s warm climate. Every day is 80 degrees with a chance of becoming a snob.




– World Series Quake: named due to the fact that it tried to make a baseball game interesting, this powerful 6.9 earthquake killed 67 people and injured countless talent agents and hairdressers.

– Angora Fire: a huge wildfire that caused a ton of damage and hurt many peoples feelings. No one knows what caused this massive fire, but some believe that it was due to Ben Affleck’s career going down in flames.




Disneyland: Where kids go to be scared by teenagers wearing big mouse heads. It is also the place that every quarterback visits after winning the Super Bowl.

Redwood National Park: Home to the beautiful Redwood Trees. These tall and majestic trees will soon be making way for a parking deck and a new convenience store/McDonald’s combo.

Hollywood: Where people go to live their dreams just to end up becoming alcoholics who drink their pain away every Friday night.




1848: The gold rush. Many people came to this new land after gold was discovered. Most ended up going back home and begging for their old dry-cleaning jobs back.

1869: the east is connected to California by railroad. Most trains are not allowed in, mainly because they weren’t good enough and didn’t follow the “in” crowd.

1908: the first movie starts production in California. The movie was met with luke warm reviews from the first movie critics. Most giving it one thumb up and one thumb down. Others maintain that these moving pictures will never take over as a new form of entertainment. Still others maintain that by making these “movies,” this will allow Dane Cook to somehow have a career.

1977: the personal computer is invented by who knows who. This event is frowned upon solely because it allowed pointless and stupid blogs to be invented, such as this one.

2008: Homosexuals are allowed to get married. When asked why they wanted to so badly, most homosexuals say they just want the chance to get a divorce like everyone else.



No one knows the exact population of California. Many are murdered everyday by robots who look like humans who come from the future. The governor has since passed a law making it illegal for robots to murder humans, known as the dreaded “Terminator Law.”




White: 52%

Black: 22%

Hispanic: 12%

Movie Stars: 11%

People Who Want to be Movie Stars: 18%

Failures: 78%




Los Angeles: A city full of broken dreams and shattered ash treys. It boasts the highest washed out movie star to normal person ratio in the country.

San Francisco: This city is known for its bridge and for the fact that the entire city comes in all colors of the rainbow. A city where men can hold other men’s hands and the heterosexual are beaten and have objects hurled at them. Most are never hurt however, since the citizens of San Francisco throw like girls.

Sacramento: No one knows how exactly this city became the capital. Many believe it knows somebody who knows somebody.




25% liked the book better

75% liked the movie better because they didn’t have to read




Many Californians spend their off time reading movie scripts or writing movie scripts. Others become actors and spend their time trying to convince everyone that they aren’t gay. They do this by jumping on couches and forcing a younger woman from a sappy teenage drama show to marry them.




State flower: golden poppy

Motto: Eureka! This is also the exact same phrase that Nicholas Cage utters when someone else thinks he can carry a movie.

More turkeys are raised in California then any other state. This is the only thing keeping the rest of the United States from pushing California out to sea.

There is a law in Pacific Grove that fines someone $500 for molesting a butterfly. I have no joke here since sometimes the truth is much more funny.

It is known as the Golden State. This is because the entire state was gold plated in 1992.




Robert Frost: a poet. No one knows how he died. It is widely believed that he just got lost when he came to a fork in the road, choosing to take the path less traveled.

Leonardo DiCaprio: A passenger on the ill fated Titanic. Best known for drawing some chick naked and then drowning to let her live. Also known for taking a historical event and somehow ruining it by making it mainly about a love story. See also Pearl Harbor.

George Lucas: created an entire universe for which nerds can get lost in and pretend they have a purpose in life. Most believe Lucas to be some sort of god. Others spend their days on the internet, typing in their blogs about how much better the original Star War movies were than the newer ones.

Tiger Woods: an up and coming golfer. Mark my words, if he keeps practicing, he’ll be good someday.

Marilyn Monroe: An advocate for covers over huge vents. She was crucial in showing how dangerous they could be if you wore a dress.

Walt Disney: mostly known for having a funny name, he is now more famously known for creating a universe where parents could leave their kids to be raised by cartoons.


one of California’s many beautiful natural forests.


The town of Hollywood finally decided to put letters up so it’s residents would know how to spell it.  This came after years and years of people mistakingly spelling it as Holywood. 



This famous bridge connects California to Hawaii. 


In a surprise twist ending, this man was dead the whole time.