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In an effort to make your news gathering easier, I have put this weeks most important stories in this post along with a short description of what it’s about, followed by a photo of said event. You’re welcome.


1. Georgia vs Russia

Russia decided this week that it was going to be a real party pooper on the Olympics. Russia invaded the country of Georgia this week (when pressed for comment, Paris Hilton stated “we must save Atlanta”). Russia claims to be doing this just for the fun of it. Georgia signed a cease fire agreement, which a Russian sniper promptly shot. When Georgia claims that Russia was going against it’s word when it said it would stop hostilities, Russia rebukes that it had it’s fingers crossed.


These Russian soldiers politely invite the Georgian motorists to play a game of chicken.


After being blown out of her house, this Georgian woman reaches for a pair of pants.


This Georgian woman grabs her child and sobs uncontrollably as the only Wal-Mart in Georgia crumbles down behind her.


2. Poland Allows the USA to Put Up Missile Shield

Poland and the United States are now bff’s. Poland will allow the United States to build part of their global missile Shield there. Russia seemed to not agree with this for some reason. Which prompted many, many jokes about how many Polacks does it take to build a Missile Shield.


After reaching the agreement, these two men quickly went to the back for more “intense” discussions. 


3. The Olympics In China

While Russia is enjoying itself by destroying peace, the Chinese were doing everything in their power to prove that they at least had the self control to not kill thousands of people while the world was watching. Currently the United States was leading in medals, while the Chinese under the age of 12 were winning all the golds. Michael Phelps has quickly become the stuff of legend, bringing many to ask if he’s the only person actually involved in the Olympics.


After losing to the United States Men’s basketball team, all the Chinese basketball players were executed (except for Yao Ming). 


A member of the Chinese Olympic Gymnastic Team.


All these medals were made with pride by the 5 year old chinese children who were forced to make them.



4. Bigfoot Found!

Two people claim to have the body of a dead Bigfoot in their freezer. The results of DNA testing revealed that it could either be a Bigfoot or just a really big opossum. Many people have claimed to have witnessed these big hairy mythical creatures. While most of these sightings just prove to be really tall Mexicans, others are unexplainable.


Charlton Heston resting in peace.



5. Chupacabra Caught On Tape!!

A Texas sheriff deputy filmed an odd looking creature that was running in front of his car. While mostly looking like a dog through most of the video, at one point the creature turns it’s head revealing an odd face with a longer than usual snout. Experts claim the video could either be of a fox/wolf combo animal or Barbara Streisand.



6. Jackson Browne Sues John McCain

Jackson Browne files a suit against McCain for using his song “Running on Empty” in his campaign. Browne states that by using his song it implies that he endorses John McCain. Jackson Browne has been well known as a lifelong liberal and being a supporter of social and economic justice. He is lesser known for his music.


That’s not a misprint.  That really does say the very best of Jackson Browne