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In this new segment, I review movies without having seen them.  Today’s movie review is The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (I also haven’t seen any of the movies in this series). 

PLOT: A girl (named Bella apparently) is easily attracted to non-human beings.  After her relationship with a goat ends, she turns her attention to an emo vampire.  She desperately wants to become a vampire.  The emo vampire says no, as he prefers to listen to Fall Out Boy while watching episodes of Boy Meets World instead.  Bella is devastated by the news, so she decides to go out with a guy who can turn into a terrible looking CG dog.  Bella cannot decide which one she likes more.  The emo vampire guy is romantic and the guy who can turn into a terrible looking CG dog is allergic to wearing shirts.  The vampire and the CG dog get into a heated argument over Bella, thus leading to an epic showdown battle at the end.  Both sides lose however when it is discovered that Bella has already begun a relationship with Frankenstein.

ACTING:  Kristen Stewart does a fine job as Bella, and by fine I mean on the MTV reality television show acting fine.  Robert Pattinson does his best to convince you he’s not into men, and Taylor Lautner has the most difficult acting job of all by constantly walking around without a shirt on.

FINAL THOUGHT:  I would rather watch the newer Star Wars movies than any of the Twilight Series.  Now, I know I am not the target audience for this kind of movie, but I guess I always hope teen girls and women would have better taste in movies.  Watch the show Supernatural instead, it’s much, much better than this (even tho I haven’t seen these movies, I still feel I can make that guarantee). 

WHO SHOULD SEE THIS MOVIE:  Teen girls who think Ke$ha is talented and older women who are upset that they’re getting older.

RATING:  Fifty “How Do These Movies Make This Much Money’s”

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It’s summer time and you know what that means. The summer movie blockbusters! Iron Man 2 has already came out with guns blazing. But there are many other big films coming out for the summer. Below are my reviews for them. Now I am aware that I haven’t seen them, and in most of the cases, the films aren’t even out yet. But actually seeing something for myself has never stopped me from forming an opinion on things, and I’ll be darned if it stops me now!

1. SEX AND THE CITY 2

The women are horrified to realize they are getting older. They try to escape death by running through the desert in high heels. Two of the women end up with a sexually transmitted disease and Sarah Jessica Parker discovers that her face is actually an old boot.

 

2. MARMADUKE

Movies based on popular comic strips are always a good idea. Isn’t that right Garfield? A family is dysfunctional and needs something to fill in that void in their lives. That’s where Marmaduke comes in. The wacky dog comes in and turns their lives upside down! And by turns their lives upside down, I mean Marmaduke murders the parents and makes the children go outside to use the bathroom.

 

3. Killers

Ashton Kutcher discovers that Britney Spears has surpassed him in followers on Twitter. He tries to kill her but Britney Spears defeats him by throwing a baby at him. P.S. follow me on Twitter. Follow Johnnyism. I am aware this is a shameless plug, and I’m ok with that.

 

4. The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

The epic battle between the vampires and the badly CG’d dogs takes place! The vampires will try their darndest to attack the badly CG’d dogs with their mesmerizing good looks and the badly CG’d dogs will rip their throats out, thus bringing these series of movies to an end, thus saving all mankind from a fourth movie.

 

5. Step Up 3D

This will be the hit of the summer. There is no way that this movie fails. It takes one of those Step Up dance movies and puts it in three dimensions! Incredible! If this movie does not end up being better than the Dark Knight, then I will beat a German squirrel with my bare hands.

Why am I still single? Someone asked me when Smurfs volume 2 comes out on dvd and I knew the answer.

Why am I still single? The highlight of my week was Guitar Hero World Tour.

Why am I still single? My mom buys my cereal.

Why am I still single? The Simpsons season 11 came out and I didn’t get it, thus depressing me and proving my foolishness considering I have the first 10.

Why am I still single? I complain about the music played on the radio instead of just accepting it, which would give me something to talk to women about. You know, so I can use the opening line “hey have you heard that new Nickelback song?”

Why am I still single? Instead of moving into an apartment and away from home, I bought a new car instead.

Why am I still single? I thought having a new car would improve my odds.

Why am I still single? I’d rather sit around making jokes with Trevor than go to a club and have women there rub themselves on me. And let’s face it. Most women at clubs have decided that they’re down on their last chance and are desperate. At the risk of stereotyping, most women at clubs will sleep with you if you tell them your name and that you have a job.

Why am I still single? I was proud to be a momma’s boy. That is until it was pointed out to me that being a momma’s boy isn’t exactly appealing.

Why am I still single? Women have standards.

Why am I still single? I’m a guy who writes a blog.

Why am I still single? I got a new cell phone and told everyone, hoping that would prove to them that I’m heading in a positive direction in my life.

Why am I still single? I once blew off some women friends so I could get home in time to catch a new episode of Law and Order: Criminal Intent.

Why am I still single? I make people watch things I find funny, even though I know they don’t share the same sense of humor as me.

Why am I still single? My mom warms my car up in the mornings before I go to work.

Why am I still single? I can’t make drinkable Kool-Aid.

Why am I still single? I never finish things. Case in point: three months ago I decided to decorate my room with movie posters since I love movies. Total movie poster count as of right now: 2

Why am I still single? I can quote lines from Airplane!, Dumb and Dumber, Monty Python and the Search for the Holy Grail, and most shows that appear on Cartoon Networks’ Adult Swim.

CALIFORNIA
 

 

 

Oh California. A state full of movie stars and earthquakes. Where Lindsay Lohen can have people pay her to take pictures of her. If you look to the sky at night you can see the mysterious night sky ablaze in the monthly forest fires.

 

WHERE DID THE NAME COME FROM?
 

 

No one actually knows where the name California came from. Some say it came from a lonely Mexican named El Californus. Others say they don’t have time to care since they’re busy writing the new script for the Gilligan’s Island movie update.

 

CLIMATE
 

 

California is known for it’s warm climate. Every day is 80 degrees with a chance of becoming a snob.

 

CLIMATE EVENTS
 

 

– World Series Quake: named due to the fact that it tried to make a baseball game interesting, this powerful 6.9 earthquake killed 67 people and injured countless talent agents and hairdressers.

– Angora Fire: a huge wildfire that caused a ton of damage and hurt many peoples feelings. No one knows what caused this massive fire, but some believe that it was due to Ben Affleck’s career going down in flames.

 

TOURIST ATTRACTIONS
 

 

Disneyland: Where kids go to be scared by teenagers wearing big mouse heads. It is also the place that every quarterback visits after winning the Super Bowl.

Redwood National Park: Home to the beautiful Redwood Trees. These tall and majestic trees will soon be making way for a parking deck and a new convenience store/McDonald’s combo.

Hollywood: Where people go to live their dreams just to end up becoming alcoholics who drink their pain away every Friday night.

 

HISTORY
 

 

1848: The gold rush. Many people came to this new land after gold was discovered. Most ended up going back home and begging for their old dry-cleaning jobs back.

1869: the east is connected to California by railroad. Most trains are not allowed in, mainly because they weren’t good enough and didn’t follow the “in” crowd.

1908: the first movie starts production in California. The movie was met with luke warm reviews from the first movie critics. Most giving it one thumb up and one thumb down. Others maintain that these moving pictures will never take over as a new form of entertainment. Still others maintain that by making these “movies,” this will allow Dane Cook to somehow have a career.

1977: the personal computer is invented by who knows who. This event is frowned upon solely because it allowed pointless and stupid blogs to be invented, such as this one.

2008: Homosexuals are allowed to get married. When asked why they wanted to so badly, most homosexuals say they just want the chance to get a divorce like everyone else.

DEMOGRAPHIC
 

 

No one knows the exact population of California. Many are murdered everyday by robots who look like humans who come from the future. The governor has since passed a law making it illegal for robots to murder humans, known as the dreaded “Terminator Law.”

 

RACES
 

 

White: 52%

Black: 22%

Hispanic: 12%

Movie Stars: 11%

People Who Want to be Movie Stars: 18%

Failures: 78%

 

MAJOR CITIES
 

 

Los Angeles: A city full of broken dreams and shattered ash treys. It boasts the highest washed out movie star to normal person ratio in the country.

San Francisco: This city is known for its bridge and for the fact that the entire city comes in all colors of the rainbow. A city where men can hold other men’s hands and the heterosexual are beaten and have objects hurled at them. Most are never hurt however, since the citizens of San Francisco throw like girls.

Sacramento: No one knows how exactly this city became the capital. Many believe it knows somebody who knows somebody.

 

EDUCATION
 

 

25% liked the book better

75% liked the movie better because they didn’t have to read

 

RECREATION
 

 

Many Californians spend their off time reading movie scripts or writing movie scripts. Others become actors and spend their time trying to convince everyone that they aren’t gay. They do this by jumping on couches and forcing a younger woman from a sappy teenage drama show to marry them.

 

STATS AND FUN FACTS
 

 

State flower: golden poppy

Motto: Eureka! This is also the exact same phrase that Nicholas Cage utters when someone else thinks he can carry a movie.

More turkeys are raised in California then any other state. This is the only thing keeping the rest of the United States from pushing California out to sea.

There is a law in Pacific Grove that fines someone $500 for molesting a butterfly. I have no joke here since sometimes the truth is much more funny.

It is known as the Golden State. This is because the entire state was gold plated in 1992.

 

FAMOUSE CALIFORNIANS
 

 

Robert Frost: a poet. No one knows how he died. It is widely believed that he just got lost when he came to a fork in the road, choosing to take the path less traveled.

Leonardo DiCaprio: A passenger on the ill fated Titanic. Best known for drawing some chick naked and then drowning to let her live. Also known for taking a historical event and somehow ruining it by making it mainly about a love story. See also Pearl Harbor.

George Lucas: created an entire universe for which nerds can get lost in and pretend they have a purpose in life. Most believe Lucas to be some sort of god. Others spend their days on the internet, typing in their blogs about how much better the original Star War movies were than the newer ones.

Tiger Woods: an up and coming golfer. Mark my words, if he keeps practicing, he’ll be good someday.

Marilyn Monroe: An advocate for covers over huge vents. She was crucial in showing how dangerous they could be if you wore a dress.

Walt Disney: mostly known for having a funny name, he is now more famously known for creating a universe where parents could leave their kids to be raised by cartoons.

 

one of California’s many beautiful natural forests.

 

The town of Hollywood finally decided to put letters up so it’s residents would know how to spell it.  This came after years and years of people mistakingly spelling it as Holywood. 

 

 

This famous bridge connects California to Hawaii. 

 

In a surprise twist ending, this man was dead the whole time.