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A recent survey from Duke University showed that most Americans are more likely to purchase a product when it’s priced cheaper.  Many retail chains were suprised by this result.  Jefferey Tanner, lead manager at a local Best Buy, said “I am completely suprised by this!  This may change the way retail stores do business.”   The lead scientist from Duke University, Sam Cisco, stated that while he was also completely caught off guard with the outcome of the results, he would still get paid thousands of dollars that could of went to research diseases.  “I am surprised by the results of our survey.  But I’ll still get my benjamins.”  said the scientist.

The results of the survey showed that 99% of the people polled said they were more likely to buy something when it was priced cheaper.  The other 1% surveyed were dead.

This store was one of many stores to be completely caught off guard by people wanting to buy things at cheaper prices.

1. SWINE FLU

The swine flu has swept across the world and almost tens of people in the United States have died from it.  Regardless of the fact that it’s pretty much the same as regular flu (which regularly ends lives every year, especially in older folk and small folk), the news has decided it worth while to spread fear and panic among people.  They’re doing this because it is their duty to save the public, especially saving themselves financially.  A little known fact about swine flu:  It first started in 1972, when a young curious man named Benjamin Beanbottom found himself with a beautiful bird and an attractive pig.  One thing led to another and they all ended up in a three way tirade of beer and love.  Two days later Mr. Beanbottom found out that all three of them had the flu before the event (this story is very similar to how AIDS began, except with a different guy and a monkey).  This is why it’s very important for everyone to realize that before you enter any kind of relationship with both a bird and a pig, you should all three get checked out for influenza. 

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The swine flu may seem terrible, but it’s bringing together people of all creeds.  In the picture above, an african american woman administers a swine flu shot to a white man.  Afterwards, they went out for drinks at the bar, although two different ones since she wasn’t allowed in the same one he was.

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They wear face masks in Mexico to avoid the swine flu, and to avoid other Mexicans.

 

2.  PRESIDENT TELLS CITIZENS THAT THEY NEED TO WASH THEIR HANDS

During his television time this past week, President Obama was asked about how to avoid the swine flu.  He promptly stood up, got a stern look in his face, pointed at the camera and told America it needed to wash it’s hands.  He then told America to brush their teeth and to be in bed by 10 since they had school tomorrow. 

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not only should you wash your hands to help you fight against swine flu, you should also be sure that bird and pig you’re having relationships with are also doing the same.

 

3.  PRESIDENT OBAMA’S PRESIDENCY HIT’S THE 100 DAYS MARK

It’s now been 100 days since Obama got into office.  Now, I’m not one to complain and I know it’s only been 100 days, but Mr. President, I have yet to get a new house and to be able to quit my job.  I was under the impression that when you got into office things would be different and I wouldn’t have to work for anything.  So…get on that.

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This graphic only cost the American people 3 billion dollars.

 

4.  CHRYSLER GOES BANKRUPT

Chrysler went bankrupt this week.  The bad economy is what was blamed.  Now that is partially true.  The biggest reason though is that the people who bought their cars are now in their 60s. 

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Another reason Chrysler went bankrupted?  They believed that wood pannels were a good idea.

 

5.  AIR FORCE ONE FLIES LOW FOR A PHOTO OP IN NEW YORK, PANIC INSUES

For the sake of getting a good picture, someone decided that it would be a grand idea to fly a huge plane lower than usual in New York.  Now, I’m not the brightest guy, but even I would think twice about that.  Luckily there was outrage over the incident, which prompted them to cancel their next photo op in which they were going to hand a bunch of jews some swastikas and tell them they won a free camping trip. 

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This is also the exact same plane on which President Harrison Ford asked a terrorist to get off his plane before politely kicking him off.

In an effort to make your news gathering easier, I have put this weeks most important stories in this post along with a short description of what it’s about, followed by a photo of said event. You’re welcome.

 

1. Georgia vs Russia

Russia decided this week that it was going to be a real party pooper on the Olympics. Russia invaded the country of Georgia this week (when pressed for comment, Paris Hilton stated “we must save Atlanta”). Russia claims to be doing this just for the fun of it. Georgia signed a cease fire agreement, which a Russian sniper promptly shot. When Georgia claims that Russia was going against it’s word when it said it would stop hostilities, Russia rebukes that it had it’s fingers crossed.

 

These Russian soldiers politely invite the Georgian motorists to play a game of chicken.

 

After being blown out of her house, this Georgian woman reaches for a pair of pants.

 

This Georgian woman grabs her child and sobs uncontrollably as the only Wal-Mart in Georgia crumbles down behind her.

 

2. Poland Allows the USA to Put Up Missile Shield

Poland and the United States are now bff’s. Poland will allow the United States to build part of their global missile Shield there. Russia seemed to not agree with this for some reason. Which prompted many, many jokes about how many Polacks does it take to build a Missile Shield.

 

After reaching the agreement, these two men quickly went to the back for more “intense” discussions. 

 

3. The Olympics In China

While Russia is enjoying itself by destroying peace, the Chinese were doing everything in their power to prove that they at least had the self control to not kill thousands of people while the world was watching. Currently the United States was leading in medals, while the Chinese under the age of 12 were winning all the golds. Michael Phelps has quickly become the stuff of legend, bringing many to ask if he’s the only person actually involved in the Olympics.

 

After losing to the United States Men’s basketball team, all the Chinese basketball players were executed (except for Yao Ming). 

 

A member of the Chinese Olympic Gymnastic Team.

 

All these medals were made with pride by the 5 year old chinese children who were forced to make them.

 

 

4. Bigfoot Found!

Two people claim to have the body of a dead Bigfoot in their freezer. The results of DNA testing revealed that it could either be a Bigfoot or just a really big opossum. Many people have claimed to have witnessed these big hairy mythical creatures. While most of these sightings just prove to be really tall Mexicans, others are unexplainable.

 

Charlton Heston resting in peace.

 

 

5. Chupacabra Caught On Tape!!

A Texas sheriff deputy filmed an odd looking creature that was running in front of his car. While mostly looking like a dog through most of the video, at one point the creature turns it’s head revealing an odd face with a longer than usual snout. Experts claim the video could either be of a fox/wolf combo animal or Barbara Streisand.

 

 

6. Jackson Browne Sues John McCain

Jackson Browne files a suit against McCain for using his song “Running on Empty” in his campaign. Browne states that by using his song it implies that he endorses John McCain. Jackson Browne has been well known as a lifelong liberal and being a supporter of social and economic justice. He is lesser known for his music.

 

That’s not a misprint.  That really does say the very best of Jackson Browne

In this post, we will examine sound bites from the media when they were covering both Presidential candidates over the past few days.

 

OVERHEARD SOUND BITES FROM THE MEDIA WHILE REPORTING ON BARACK OBAMA…
 
 

 

 

 

“OH MY GOD!!! HE JUST WALKED ON WATER!!!!!

“Did you see that? No way. The camera just caught a… yep. I just checked it. There’s this slight halo around his head.”

“HOLY COW IN A U2 VIDEO!!! DID YOU JUST SEE WHAT I SAW?? OBAMA JUST TOOK DOWN ALL COMMUNISM WITH A 5 MINUTE SPEECH!!!”

“I just got lost in his eyes…”

“I want to have his children.”

“MAN ALIVE!! HOLY SPOON RUNNING AWAY WITH A SHOVEL!!! HE JUST FOUGHT OFF 156 NINJAS BY HIMSELF USING JUST A SOFT SHELLED TACO WITH SOUR CREAM!!! HE IS THE REASON I’M LIVING!!!”

 *The quotes in all caps have more meaning if you yell them while reading*

 

OVERHEARD SOUND BITES FROM THE MEDIA WHILE REPORTING ON JOHN MCCAIN…
 
 

 

 

“So Senator McCain, we’ve heard your statement on…Senator McCain?  Great.. he fell asleep again.”

 

 

If you enjoyed this post, then please do the entire free world a favor and go and vote for it on http://humor-blogs.com/, or by clicking on the link for the humor-blog site which is listed in my blogroll.  By doing so, not only do you save a nation, but you save me from another night of crying myself to sleep while sobbing about how alone I am.

Recently in the news, Youtube has come under fire. Why you ask? Because of a video that some girls posted that showed them beating up another girl over something on myspace. People were saying how Youtube should not have let that video be posted. While I agree that it was a terrible video, I do not agree that it should have been took off. Why is outrage always so misplaced? These six girls beat up one girl, and people want to be angry at Youtube instead of the people responsible. Ridiculous. But that isn’t even what this rant is about.

This rant is about how completely stupid kids have become. Why in the friggin world do you videotape a crime and THEN post it for the world to see? How stupid are you? We should be more concerned about the stupidity in our children then anything. We need more classes on common sense.

And why are we mad at Youtube? They provided the proof. There is no way these people responsible can say they aren’t responsible. It’s there. The whole world saw it. You know how much easier the OJ case would have been if he had taped it and put it on the internet? By the way, I still claim that the best thing OJ ever did was play in the Naked Gun movies. Why don’t they make a good stupid comedy like that anymore?

So this is just a short post. Why are kids so stupid? It pains me to admit that it could be due to the public schools. Come on public school system, help me to take up for you again.

On a side note, let’s stop blaming other things when kids do these things. We blame video games, internet, music, radio etc when we should be blaming ourselves. It is our fault. We raise these kids. A video game did not make a kid go and shoot up a school. The kid feeling like they had no escape and that was the only way is why. So let’s help out our youth. Let’s help them to be more mature. Let’s tell them that if they’re going to beat up someone with the odds 6 people to 1, to not videotape it. Friggin idiots.

One more side note: it saddens me that I feel I must put this just in case someone thinks I’m pro beat up kids. What these people done was terrible and outrageous. These kids were messed up to begin with, thinking that they were invincible. They should be put in jail. Maybe that will shut their little brat holes up. Also, let’s take MTV off the air, cause while I refuse to blame television for kids behaving badly, I will gladly throw MTV into the flame for it’s reality shows and My Sweet Sixteen, which is the devil. It makes me detest and hate rich kids.

Also, why is it when I ask for feedback (as in the last blog post) I get nothing? Lazy bums. I do this for you. I could charge you to read this genius but I don’t. The least you can do is to comment when I say to comment. Ya raggamuffins (I’m bringing that word back).